CAMBRIDGE, Massachusetts – 
A controversial Harvard University study reveals what many oppressed, non-minorities have said for years – white people experience far more racism than black people.
Dr. Bob Ofay, author of the study, offers a rather straightforward defense of his findings: “Approximately 234,000,000 white people live in the United States, compared to about 39,000,000 black people. It’s simple mathematics. More white people, far more prejudice. The numbers don’t lie.”
Dr. Cornel West, African-American Harvard and Princeton educated philosopher and author, weighed in on the study. “Technically, Ofay’s correct. There are far more whites living in America, so proportionately, he’s right. But there‘s a different kind of racism that whites face.”
West went on to explain that every member of a non-white race has an equal opportunity to practice racism against whites; therefore, going by the data, whites are indeed oppressed far more than blacks. “I feel for my white brothers and sisters!” said West. “I’ve been there, done that, and it’s no day at the beach let me tell you. Especially if that beach is segregated,” he added.
Rev. Al Sharpton, activist and TV opinion show host said, “All these years I’ve been organizing protest marches fighting inequality between historically white-on-black oppression, since slavery anyway. But now that I look at the bigger picture – the history before slavery – I see that whites have suffered far more oppression than blacks, and many other races combined for that matter. When you do the math, I see now that it’s the whites who have gotten the short end of the racial stick.”
When asked if his editorial viewpoint would change because of the Ofay study, Sharpton replied, “Hell no! I’ve got a gold mine going on here! Don’t get me wrong – I’m sympathetic to the plight of white people – but I’m not a damn fool! That question was outrageous!”
Whether the results of Ofay’s survey will change perceptions across the nation is up for debate. Just a peek at today’s headlines, from Ferguson Missouri to Staten Island, New York, seem to tell a different story.
Ofay remains confident. “The facts I have presented will bear me out. These days, to be born white is to have one strike against you. I knew the tide was turning when years ago, salsa became the number one condiment over ketchup. The proof’s in the pudding,” said Ofay.
In a related study by the Food Institute of America, chocolate pudding outranks vanilla by a nearly 2 to 1 margin, but they say butterscotch is gaining traction.