Survivor of Shark Attack to Sue Katy Perry for ‘Insensitive’ Super Bowl Halftime Performance

Survivor of Shark Attack to Sue Katy Perry for 'Insensitive' Super Bowl Halftime Performance


PHOENIX, Arizona –

Katy Perry’s Super Bowl halftime show on the 1st of February was the most watched performance in the event’s history, garnering over 118 million views. The acclaimed production included a giant mechanical lion, anthropomorphic beach balls and palm trees, fireworks, and cameos from Missy Elliott and Lenny Kravitz.

Perhaps the strangest appearance, however, was that of cute dancing sharks, and it’s this support act that has landed Perry in some legal in hot water. Joe Lyons, a survivor of a January shark attack in which the his entire close and extended family was brutally torn apart, is suing the pop-star for her insensitive use of the killer creatures.

“Joe is bewildered by Perry’s thoughtlessness,” wrote Lyons’ lawyer Harry Bedford in a press release. “He’s a longtime fan of her’s, and is especially hurt after being betrayed by someone he admires. No money is being requested; just a public apology and all recordings of the show to be removed from YouTube and any other online platforms.”

A source close to the victim confirmed Lyon’s sentiments.

“Katy has been important to Joe since I Kissed A Girl basically won him his now brutally killed wife, Carol,” explained the friend. “He wore cherry chapstick on their first date, seeing as that was what girls like Perry apparently like, and it totally worked. That’s why it’s so devastating that she could thoughtlessly defile the memory of the deceased.”

Legal expert Lucy Janet believes that Lyons has a strong case.

“Can you imagine the outcry if Osama Bin Laden had been one of her backup dancers? Families of the victims of 9/11 would come out in droves. What about if Hurricane Katrina had accompanied her? That certainly would have been politically and humanly insensitive. It’s best if she just recognizes the consequences of her actions and can put the whole thing behind her – far enough behind her this time that they can’t be seen on the stage.”

NFL Announces Rock ‘Supergroup’ Forming To Play Super Bowl XLIX Halftime Show

GLENDALE , Arizona – NFL Announces Rock 'Supergroup' Forming To Play Super Bowl XLIX Halftime Show

Super Bowl XLVIII is already a distant memory for NFL fans, and talks of next year’s halftime show started hitting the circuit months ago. With The Big Game to be held in just a few short months, rumors and excitement have grown over the announcement of the Super Bowl Halftime Show.

Super Bowl XLIX is scheduled for play at the University of Phoenix Stadium in Glendale, Arizona at the beginning of 2015. Normally the halftime shows at the games feature a performance by a well-known rock ‘n’ roll or pop singer or group of performers. This year, the NFL has decided to go all-out, and bring in some of the biggest names in the history of music for a halftime show that could never possibly be topped.

“We honestly wanted to wait for the big S.B. 50,” said Melanie Aster, director of entertainment for the NFL. “After considering it though, we knew we just had to get all these performers together as soon as possible. It is highly likely some of them may be dead by next year, so we can’t take any chances.”

So far, the NFL has announced that the “supergroup” will consist of Roger Daltry of The Who, rapper Eminem, Steven Tyler of Aerosmith, rapper Big-Boi, country music stars Garth Brooks and Wynona Judd, pop band Fall Out Boy, metal act Killswitch Engage, white-boy rapper Marky Mark, industrial rock band Nine Inch Nails, Ice Cube, shock-rocker Marilyn Manson, Keith Partridge of the Partridge Family Singers, up-and-coming rapper Hopsin, Faith Hill, 90s grunge rockers Blind Melon, Johnny Bravo from The Brady Bunch, and the New York Philharmonic.

The lineup is the most impressive one that the NFL has ever had for a halftime show, and they are extremely happy that they were able to get all the artists on board for the performance.

“It was so amazing that we were able to get this great group of performers together and they’ve all agreed to go out there and rock our 49th halftime show!” said Aster during a recent conversation with reporters and fans.

When asked if she was aware that some of these artists no longer perform, and that at least one is a fictional character, Aster had little to say on the matter.

“All I can say to you is that all of these people have signed on the dotted line, and the ink is definitely dry. We may even have some more surprises the night of game!”

When pressed for details, Aster had little to say, although she did elude to the fact that spectators should be on the lookout for possible wardrobe malfunctions.

“I’m not naming any names, but let’s all just keep an eye on Marky Mark, okay?” Aster said, laughing.

Super Bowl XLIX will be broadcast live on NBC at the beginning of 2015.

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