Harrison Ford Fails At Badass Death Attempt

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Harrison Ford Fails At Badass Death Attempt

SANTA MONICA, California – 

Harrison Ford has once again narrowly failed at carrying out a badass finale to his life. Ford crashed his World War II-era plane into a golf course last week, and is apparently “lucky to be alive.”

“It’s remarkable, really. Almost like one of his movies,” said expert Tarry Lupone. “Things were shaky from the takeoff, when he realized his plane – over half a century old, remember – was having problems. He turned back, contacting the airport to clear a runway for an emergency landing. Then he crashed anyway before he reached it. How did he survive? That plot point must have been written in by someone unaware of the badassery of that sort of death.”

Ford’s family have expressed their happiness at his well being, but admitted their empathy for the disappointment he must feel at having failed at living out the fairy-tale ending.

“Harry’s really down,” said wife, Calista Flockhart. “I’m glad to still have him in my life, but I promised when I married him to support his dreams, no matter what difficulties. This has been a lifelong dream, and to see it fall apart again – at the last minute – is hard for all of us.”

Son Liam expressed similar sentiments.

“I love daddy,” said the toddler. “I also love his work, and I want his career to play out in the way it’s supposed to. It’s the sign of a great man to get up and try to die again after numerous failures. I hope daddy dies soon, in a badass way of his choosing. It’ll be something to brag to my friends about.”

Fans, however, have other concerns about the actor dying “too soon,” especially when there are films being greenlit that need Ford’s star-power or involvement to work.

“There’s still Blade Runner II yet to be made! And what about the upcoming Star Wars films?” said blogger Kate Redman. “I understand and support what he wants, but it’s selfish to rush it. He’s still got a few good years ahead of him, in which he’ll have loads of opportunities to die in an even more badass ways.”

Ford says that in the end, he might just get inside of a lead-lined refrigerator and have a nuclear bomb dropped on top.

“I’m pretty sure that it might really kill me,” said the star. “Would it even be possible to survive that?”

Airline Passenger Arrested After Causing Panic, Chaos During Flight

Airline Passenger Arrested After Causing Panic, Chaos During Flight

LOS ANGELES, California – 

Tragedy struck as chaos ensued aboard a flight from Los Angeles bound for New York last week when one man learned where free speech ends and endangering the safety of others begins.

The classic example of “shouting Fire! In a crowded theater” describes a situation in which one’s freedom of speech is limited to prevent unnecessary panic and disaster. Toward the end of the flight, a 24-year-old man looking for amusement shouted clearly: “Tacos! Check out the free tacos!”

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Immediately the plane erupted into a clamor of yelling, panic, and frustration, as passengers left their seats and began frantically searching the plane for free tacos. The pilot, co-pilot, and flight attendants, all also rushed to search for the tacos, leaving the plane completely unattended. The man’s identity remains anonymous for his protection.

The shouter’s friend, who was sitting next to him at the time, told police that he tried to diffuse the situation, but frenzy had already consumed the flight. The plane eventually flew past its destination and crashed into the ocean, killing 3, and wounding 7 before help could arrive.

The man was convicted to only one month of prison, but was forced to buy each passenger a year supply of tacos from their store or chain of choice, and may serve up to ten years on taco probation, banning him from every Taco Bell and Fajita Grill in the country.

“It sucks for the people that died, but we got free tacos, so it’s pretty cool,” one passenger commented. “I hope this teaches him a lesson on how powerful words can be.”

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