PHOENIX, Arizona –
Mark Henry, a registered sex offender who has been convicted more than a dozen times for crimes against teens and children, says he is “very upset” that no one plays Pokemon Go anymore.
“I used to be able to meet tons of little kids, because everyone was playing it, and now the only people I’m meeting are other pervs who are out looking for kids, too,” said Henry. “It’s stupid. I wish they’d make a new game I could use to track kids.”
Pokemon Go was the most popular mobile game of all time, with hundreds of millions of downloads – but that was last year. Since the release, users have stopped playing in droves, with an average of only 3 or 4 people still playing in any given town on any given day.
“Last summer, kids were everywhere, and now, they haven’t been anywhere,” said Henry. “Plenty of Squirtles are out there, but no kids. I’m suffering, here.”
The game would allow players to catch Pokemon in the “real world” using augmented reality. Many players worked together to “Catch ’em all.”
VATICAN, Rome –
Pope Francis says that the world-wide phenomenon that is Pokemon Go is really a Devil’s tool to bring children and teens over to the “dark side” of Satan.
“Games that progress the mind are a wonderful tool to God,” said Francis. “Some games, though, were created by The Devil himself, to lure unsuspecting souls to a darker place. Pokemon Go is, I believe, the most Satanic game in history.”
Francis says that the reason that the game is so popular is that technology has replaced actual friendships, but that the exercise that children are getting as they walk around, looking for digital creatures, is only going to lead to destruction.
“Yes, children are leaving their homes, they are being active, but they are not paying attention to their surroundings, and soon they will be snatched by predators who want to touch them, and hurt them,” said Francis. “I myself was almost hit by a car while trying to catch a Mr. Mime, and that was when I knew that this game was going to be the end of civilization as we know it.”
PHOENIX, Arizona –
A 46-year-old man, Nathan Winter, was charged with reckless endangerment and negligent homicide after he caused a 45 car pile-up while playing the popular cell phone game Pokemon Go.
Police say that Winter was not paying attention to the road and his attention was diverted as he tried to catch a Meowth while driving down the Phoenix I-75 highway when he rear-ended a Mack truck, causing a vicious accident that caused 4 deaths and countless injuries.
“In retrospect, it was a really bad idea,” said Winter, who says he had just downloaded the game earlier in the day. “My daughter was playing, and it seemed kind of fun, so I wanted to check it out, too. 3 hours of playing, and I was hooked. I was on my way home when my phone vibrated, and it said there was Meowth around. It happened to be right on the bumper of the eighteen wheeler in front of me. Sadly, I wasn’t paying attention, and slammed right into it trying to catch him.”
Police say that the Pokemon Go game has become extremely viral, and although has caused several injuries from people not paying attention to their surroundings while playing, this is the first case of major death. Nintendo, who is the company behind the game, could not be reached for comment.