Dangerous New ‘Tongue Zipper’ Trend Rising In Popularity Amongst Teens

CHARLESTON, South Carolina –

Parents, be warned! A dangerous new form of “tongue splitting” is becoming increasingly popular with teens, as more and more have their tongue split down the middle, and then have a zipper forcefully attached in its place.

Tongue splitting itself has been a fringe form of body modification for years, although often difficult to find safe environments for the operation to be performed. With many piercing shops refusing to do it out of severe medical issues that could arise, it was often something that needed to be performed by a plastic surgeon.

New techniques, though, have made it possible for many teens to do the “surgery” themselves, in the comfort of their own homes.

“Oh yeah man, it was pretty easy, actually,” said Joe Goldsmith, 16. “I pretty much just stole a pair of scissors from school, and I cut right down the middle of my friend Amanda’s tongue. No problem at all. It was a bit more of a bitch getting the blood out of my mom’s shag carpet, though. Then, we took a zipper of a pair of old jeans, and we kind of forced it into the open wound area. Once it was healed, she was good to go.”

Many body modification enthusiasts say that tongue splitting amongst teens is at an all-time high, especially now that they are performing the mod themselves in their own home.

“I waited until my stupid bitch mom passed out drunk like she does every night, and then I snuck out to have my tongue zippered at a friend’s house,” said Joanne Myers, 14. “My fat cow mother screamed when she saw it, but I think it’s bad ass, and my boyfriend loves it when I go down on him now.”

Parents are cautioned to not allow their children to play with sharp objects, knives, or scissors. If they have have pants with zippers, remove the zippers immediately and replace with velcro or button snaps to avoid possible misuse.

SAN DIEGO, California –

A young girl who was snorkeling off the coast of California last week says she was bitten by an octopus, and since then has grown tiny octopus suckers all over her tongue and other soft tissue.

“It actually started on my vagina, I noticed I was getting little octopus suckers,” said Jessica Smith, 20. “I could live with it, to be honest, but I went to the hospital the second they started growing on my tongue. It was keeping me from being able to speak properly.”

Doctors say that it was the first case of an octopus attack of any nature leading to the attackee actually turning into an octopus themselves.

“Ms. Smith is very luck she came in when she did,” said Dr. Martin Groves. ” I am not 100% sure how long this would go on for, as it was a very serious infection that seemed to effect all the soft tissue in her body. Her vagina, tongue, throat, and even parts of her anus were growing octopus suckers. It is the first time I’ve ever seen anything like it, thank God.”

Doctors were able to treat the infection, but removal of the suckers that had already grown had to be done with laser surgery.

“We worked in very delicate areas to remove the suckers,” said Dr. Groves. “We estimate that we were able to safely remove about 98% of the suckers with no visible pieces remaining. There are some that we could not get due to the safety of Ms. Smith.”

“Honestly, I really don’t care about the suckers that they left behind,” said Smith. “It was a couple inside my butt, and frankly, if you’re going to have octopus suckers on your body, the ass isn’t the worst place, right? It was super hard to get a picture of it for Instagram, though.”