Former ‘Daily Show’ Host Jon Stewart Announces Presidential Run

Posted on September 14, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

With Jon Stewart completing his Daily Show hosting duties earlier this summer, many people were asking what the comedian, 52, would do next in his career. Although in recent interviews, Stewart said that he wasn’t sure what his next move would be, apparently he had a secret he was keeping all along.

“I’m officially tossing my hat into the ring for a seat in the Oval Office in 2016,” said Stewart during a recent press conference. “I’ve been mocking politicians for almost 2 decades on my show, and now it’s time to show them that I don’t just follow their mistakes, I’m ready to right them as well.”

Most political analysts say that Stewart doesn’t hold a chance of getting a party’s nomination, but many voters seem to disagree.

“There is no one on this planet I would rather vote for than Jon Stewart,” said Twitter user DailyShowLuvr.

“Stewart is a God. Not the God, because he’s a Jew and all, but a God, for sure, and I’d vote for him,” said Facebook user George Glass. “It’s about time we elected a non-Christian into the presidency, actually. Yeah, I’ll definitely vote for him.”

Stewart says that the has no idea what platform he’s going to campaign on, but that he’s well aware of where he stands on each and every issue.

“It’s the exact opposite of whatever Trump is about,” said Stewart.

Donald Trump Flip-Flops Stance, Says He Will ‘Open US Borders 100%’ If Elected

Posted on September 7, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

In a surprise change of pace for Donald Trump, the presidential candidate has announced that he’s “completely changed his mind” about immigration, and says that if he is elected president, he plans on opening the country’s borders to all immigrants.

“There is no need to be so picky about who moves to this great country, and paperwork only slows down the process,” said Trump to a gathering of over 75,000 devoted supporters in Mississippi. “When I am elected, the borders will be opened. I was wrong in many of the things I’ve said, and it has just taken me some time to realize my mistakes.”

Many former Trump supporters say they instantly abandoned the candidate when he made his announcements.

“This is an outrage. I was looking forward to more security at the borders, not less,” said former Trump supporter Joe Goldsmith. “I’ve voted for conservatives like Trump my whole life, and they’ve never won. Trump had a chance. He speaks his mind, and people like that. People like me, anyway. Now, this is just absurd.”

“I’m glad he’s changed his opinion of immigrants,” said illegal immigrant from Mexico Jose Marquez. “I think he might be going a little too far just opening the borders all together. I moved here to feel safe, and aside from the constant fear of INS, I’ve felt like I can live here freely. If the borders are opened completely, that might not be the case anymore.”

Donald Trump says that he plans to win this election based on “cold, hard truths,” and that means, sometimes, changing your tune completely.

“I will do whatever it takes to win this election,” said Trump. “Frankly, I’ll dye this wig black if it will get me the votes. I’ll do whatever it takes, say whatever I need to, to get your vote.”

Donald Trump Ends Rosie O’Donnell Feud, Asks Her To Be Presidential Running Mate

Posted on August 26, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Donald Trump has reportedly squashed his long-standing feud with TV personality Rosie O’Donnell, and sources are indicating that he has asked her to be his running mate in the 2016 presidential elections. There has been no confirmation on whether O’Donnell has accepted the offer, but members of Trump’s campaign team say that they are “pretty sure” that O’Donnell will commit.

“At this point, Ms. O’Donnell has not accepted Mr. Trump’s offer to run as his Vice President during the 2016 elections, but we have high hopes that she will commit. She’s definitely got the mouth to be included in such a career,” said Trump’s campaign manager, Rick Turner.

According to insiders, the entire thing is just a “marketing ploy” to make the public view Trump in a more positive light.

“Frankly, the only reason that Trump would want someone like Rosie O’Donnell to run with him is because he can’t possibly win the election without some minority voters,” said an anonymous source from Trumps campaign team. “He could have chosen a black running mate, or a Latino, or other such minority. Instead, he chose O’Donnell, because she’s a big mouthed lesbian. That right there can account for a huge chunk of the gay vote, the woman voters, and even some of the blacks, just because.”

O’Donnell could not be reached for comment, but a close friend says that she would “love to be Vice President,” but that she has no intentions of doing so with Donald Trump as the man in charge.