13-Year-Old Boy Arrested In Connection With Sony Hacking Crime

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WATERVILLE, Maine – 13-Year-Old Boy Arrested In Connection With Sony Hacking Crime

What is believed to be the most vicious cyber attack in history, and has been blamed on everyone from North Korea to Russian hackers, is now being directly linked to a 13-year-old boy from small town Waterville, Maine.

Many believed that North Korea and supreme leader Kim Jong-un were responsible for the massive hack against Sony Entertainment because of the Seth Rogen comedy film The Interview, a movie about the successful assassination of Jong-un. Even President Obama issued an official statement, denouncing Sony’s decision to give into threats and pull the film from its Christmas Day opening.

The teenager, whose identity is not yet being released due to his age, but uses the online handle ‘Cereal Killer,’ confessed to the crime in an email sent to federal investigators.

“Basically, he sent in emails confessing to the crime, and blamed it all on the fact that all his friends had gotten Playstation 4 consoles, and he was stuck with the old XBox 360. He felt abandoned, and like he had no friends left in the world,” FBI spokesperson Gerald Carmichael told the Associated Press. “So he wanted to ‘make Sony pay.’ Curiously, Sony Entertainment, as in the films, and Sony’s video game division, are two completely separate entities.”

“It’s just what I could get into, you know?” said the wayward teen in his emails. “I tried to break into the game division computers first. I thought I could maybe steal some unfinished games and release them online. But that one was too hard. Instead, I got into the movie studio computers, and got to watch Annie before it came out. The movie really, really sucked, by the way.”

“The boy is clearly a genius when it comes to electronics and the computer language in this technology age,” said Charmichael. “It reminds me of the movie War Games a little bit, that one from the 80s with Matthew Broderick. Here is this boy savant, who is just amazing at computers. It is really unbelievable that a young child could possess so much dangerous knowledge. Hell, I couldn’t do what he did, and I’ve been studying computers for ages.”

While the crime is being thoroughly investigated, the teen will be kept in the custody of the FBI. Carmichael declined to discuss what charges or any possible punishments the boy is facing.

Real-World Hackers Discredit Technology Used In Watch Dogs Video Game

MONTREAL, QUEBEC, Canada – empire-news-real-life-hackers-Discredit-technology-used-in-watch-dogs-video-game

Hackers around the World have been rampantly posting online about their opinions on the new Ubisoft video game “Watch Dogs,” which was released last week.  The video game is based around a fictional hacker who wanders the streets of Chicago using his cell phone to control nearly any electronic device he wishes, which he uses to gain information and help avoid cyber-terrorists.

“As a hacker, it makes me feel really lame – I could point my phone at a person, and it won’t just hack their bank account.  It’s completely absurd that this guy can do this stuff with such ease.” Said a self-proclaimed hacker who goes by the online name Lord Nikon. “The game makes it look too easy. He just scans people with his cell phone, takes their cash or their music, unlocks a car, and drives like an asshole through the city. I can’t do any of that at all. Watchdogs is totally unrealistic.”

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Throughout the years, the art of hacking has been portrayed throughout movies, television, and now video games as some sort of exciting, other-worldly experience, where the hacker is always a half-step ahead of the law or other hackers, and spends their nights staring at a computer screen filled with gorgeous graphics. As hacker Cereal Killer points out to us, that isn’t generally the case.

“You know, I don’t see the big deal with this guy in the game.” Said Killer. “Even if I could just take a stroll and steal peoples stuff, walking just takes too much outta me, ya know? I like doing this stuff because I can sit here in my room, eating Bagel Bites, downloading music illegally and watching anime porn. That’s the true life of a hacker. Well, at least it’s my true life. I can’t really speak for everyone.”

Real-life hackers tend to experience extreme amounts of boredom brought on by so much waiting around, so bringing the technology developed for the fictional story in Watchdogs to life would be a silver lining for the hoards of anonymous hackers throughout the world.

“If these people could walk around while hacking the computers around them, it would greatly decrease their risks of collapse due to ennui.” Says Dr. Emmanuel Goldstein of the Chicago Memorial Hospital, cardiology division. “This concept would be the best thing to happen to cyber-crime since the invention of wireless internet!”

As technology expands, the hackers that we spoke with had mixed feelings about how great it would be to be able to commit hack the people around them like a character in a video game.

“I prefer to just relax, enjoy a Jolt cola, and watch reruns of The Outer Limits with my girlfriend AcidBurn.” Said a hacker whose online alias is ZeroCool. “I just can’t imagine why I’d want to run all over the city and get all sweaty. Hacking is an intelligent man’s game, a real-world thrill posed in an unreal world. I’ll keep playing the game, but I would never buy into that sort of technology.”

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