SHELTON, West Virginia –
A new breed of wood tick has been discovered in West Virginia, and is causing a panic among vegetarians and vegans. Along side the “reverse zombie” or “lone star” tick, which has been confirmed to trigger a red meat allergy in those bitten by the little assholes, the new “hippie tick” will make you allergic to vegetables.
“All vegetarians, vegans, and general vegetable lovers need to know about this tick,” said USDA spokesman Carl Richards. “The Reverse Zombie tick is horrible for all of us people who eat real food, like steak and cheeseburgers, but now the Hippie Tick, as we’ve come to call it, is out there – and it’s really screwing up things for all those pussy vegans.”
The Hippie Tick, which is actually known as the Ixodida Aracnodia, is small and brownish-red, like many ticks. They live in large, green grassy areas, and are especially fond of moist or wet areas – both in nature and on your body.
“Always check everywhere on your body for these little guys,” said Richards. “They’re known to be found in ear cavities, under armpits or breasts, and in rectums or vaginal cavities. They love hot, wet, smelly areas.”
So far, there are no vaccinations against the bites of either the Reverse Zombie or Hippie Tick, and neither disease is curable once contracted.
BOISE, Idaho –
A new strain of poison ivy has been spotted in 11 states throughout the country, and botanists and scientists are completely baffled as to where it came from.
According to hospital reports, 86 cases of rash – and worse – have been reported from the new strain of poison ivy, but the problem isn’t so much of how it’s affecting people, but where.
“This new poison ivy, it only affects the genitals,” said Dr. Kenneth Morse of Boise Medical Center. “No matter where a person touches the plant on their body – be it with a hand or a foot, or rubbing against a bare leg – the symptoms only appear on the genitals.”
Of the 86 cases so far, 83 of them have been males, and most have seen symptoms ranging from small, red itchy dots on their penis, to full-blown engorged testicles. 4 of the men have had to undergo surgery to reduce swelling in their sacs.
“It was the most embarrassing thing I’ve ever gone to the emergency room for,” said Kyle Mann, 26. “My balls were the size of pineapples. I didn’t know what the hell was going on. Thankfully, Dr. Morse had already treated a few other guys with the same problem, so he knew what was happening. Sadly, they had to slice my balls open to let out some sort of bacterial fluid that was in there. Fucking scary, man.”
Dr. Morse says the plant looks “nearly identical” to regular poison ivy, so it is best to avoid going outside at all if you want to stay away from possible contamination.
PHOENIX, Arizona –
Mark Henry, a registered sex offender who has been convicted more than a dozen times for crimes against teens and children, says he is “very upset” that no one plays Pokemon Go anymore.
“I used to be able to meet tons of little kids, because everyone was playing it, and now the only people I’m meeting are other pervs who are out looking for kids, too,” said Henry. “It’s stupid. I wish they’d make a new game I could use to track kids.”
Pokemon Go was the most popular mobile game of all time, with hundreds of millions of downloads – but that was last year. Since the release, users have stopped playing in droves, with an average of only 3 or 4 people still playing in any given town on any given day.
“Last summer, kids were everywhere, and now, they haven’t been anywhere,” said Henry. “Plenty of Squirtles are out there, but no kids. I’m suffering, here.”
The game would allow players to catch Pokemon in the “real world” using augmented reality. Many players worked together to “Catch ’em all.”
BOSTON, Massachusetts –
A new study conducted by Harvard University shows that teens who “vape” are more likely to be made fun of than kids who do not. The study was performed over the last year, and monitored a group of 200 teens aged 15 to 19.
“Of the group, 100 of the kids were vapers, or kids who smoke using vape pens, etc.,” said that study chairman, Mick Horn. “Those kids were asked to vape in front of the other 100 kids, who proceeded, of course, to call the vape kids a slew of names, including ‘faggot,’ ‘tool,’ ‘loser,’ and ‘asshole,’ among others. When the study was flipped, the vape kids really had nothing to say about the non-vapers.”
According to his findings, Horn says that kids should decidedly not take up vaping, unless they like being made fun of.
“There’s really no point to vaping, short of smoking while looking like an extra douche bag,” said Horn. “I think that my study conclusively proves that.”
UNITED STATES –
After it was confirmed that Russia easily hacked computers in the United States to rig the 2016 elections, the FBI is warning that it’s “very likely” that Russian hackers and spies are probably in your computer right now, looking at your files.
“There are many things that you can do to protect yourself from Russian hackers,” said FBI director J. Hoover Edgar. “For one, you want to make sure you put a piece of tape of your computer’s camera. That’s just something simple that every idiot knows to do by now. Another thing you can do is to get offline completely when not using the computer. Just unplug and turn off your machine, and you should probably unplug your router, too, just to be safe.”
Edgar also recommends writing most of your documents in Aramaic, the dead language spoken by Jesus Christ and his disciples.
“It’s very hard for Russians to read Aramaic, because most people don’t know it. If you learn it now, you will have a much better chance of your files not being read by Russian hackers,” said Edgar.
According to the FBI, the one thing that can almost certainly defeat a hacker, though, is to make sure you change your passwords 10 to 15 times a day, for all of your website logins, especially banks and social media accounts.
“If you leave your password as the same thing for more than a couple of minutes, you’re basically giving full access to your life,” said Edgar. “Change your passwords multiple times a day. It really keeps the ol’ Ruskies on their toes.”
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
Researchers at the Washington, D.C. House of Agriculture and Animal Affairs say that they expect Pandas will become extinct within the next few months, probably by June of 2017.
“We actually had no idea that pandas were really that rare, because we see pictures of them online all the time,” said HAAA chairman Joel Bornstein. “We thought they were doing pretty good out in the wild, but apparently not. There’s only a couple left.”
The HAAA says they are trying “really hard” to get a couple of pandas to “do their thing” and make some more panda babies, but they’re having a really hard time.
“We got two of the 17 pandas left in the world, and we have been doing everything to get them to have sexy time, but it’s just not working,” said Bornstein. “We’ve tried calming music, chocolates, wine…we even let them watch porn. Nothing has worked.”
The HAAA says that they hope that they can save the population of pandas before it’s too late, but they don’t hold out much hope.
CONCORD, New Hampshire –
Chester Miller, who has been studying the effects of global warming for nearly 20 years, says that he has finally found conclusive proof that the phenomenon is completely and totally bogus.
“I have been looking into the effects of global warming, and can conclusively say that the world is not warmer at all,” said Miller. “I had been waiting and waiting for this discovery, and it came to me earlier this week. It was a true moment of glory for all of science.”
Miller says that during the night between Thursday and Friday, his town of Concord, New Hampshire received a massive amount of snow – over a foot in just a few hours. This, he says, is proof that the world is not getting warmer.
“If global warming were real, then how come we got 14″ of snow the other night?” asked Miller. “I assume you all understand that in order for it to snow, it has to be cold. And in order for it to snow THAT MUCH in that amount of time, well – it has to be very cold. I believe I can rest my case.”
As Reported By ABCNews.com.co:
“We’ve never seen anything like this before,” said Dr. Hans Vermhat of the Barrow Neurological Institute. “The drug addicts in Colorado are injecting a new strain of marijuana that changes the chemical makeup in the brain’s receptors which control the users like or dislike of the opposite sex; ultimately turning them into a flaming homosexual.”
Michele Leonhart, DEA chief of operations in Denver, told ABC news that marijuana related problems in Colorado have quadrupled since…
READ FULL STORY HERE
As Reported By World News Daily Report:
A team of psychologists and medical doctors associated with the Technische Universität of Berlin, have announced this morning that they had proven by clinical experimentation, the existence of some form of life after death. This astonishing announcement is based on the conclusions of a study using a new type of medically supervised near-death experiences, that allow patients to be clinically dead for almost 20 minutes before being brought back to life.
This controversial process that was repeated on 944 volunteers over that last four years, necessitates a complex mixture of drugs including…
READ THE FULL STORY HERE
BOSTON, Massachusetts –
Last year, the ALS ice bucket challenge viral videos ran rampant across the internet, and brought in millions of dollars for Lou Gehrig’s Disease research. In a decidedly crazy twist, it seems that money has been used to find and diagnose an entirely different disease, and it’s one that could change the face of medicine forever.
Researcher Jordan Marsh says that the ALS videos and the money raised by them has helped them to discover a new breakthrough in a specific virus that has been plaguing the world, but has yet to be contained.
“We used the ALS money to look into the root of this long-standing virus, and thankfully, we have been able to pinpoint where it began, and also how to contain it from spreading further,” said Marsh. “It’s one for the books, for sure.”
For the books it will be, because as of this time, Marsh is not saying what discovery they have made.
“At this time, I am just going to say that it’s a huge deal, and we are very excited, but we want to get all the information out at once, and accurately, so you’ll have to wait until our findings are released in the National Book Of Medical Journals.”