Toshiba Plans To Bring Back HD-DVD Brand To Re-Compete With Blu-Ray

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HONG KONG, China – 

Toshiba, the company who first made high-definition discs in their HD-DVD format, says they plan to bring back the technology in an effort to wipe out Sony’s Blu-ray technology.

“We were bested the first time around, but only because Microsoft dropped the ball and didn’t get HD-DVD players into the XBox 360. It wasn’t our fault,” said Toshiba president Mike Rolls. “Now that things have been going well for Sony, we see that there is still a market for our HD-DVDs out there, and we are planning a resurgence next year.”

Industry insiders call the move “confusing,” saying that most people – even avid movie collectors – forgot that there even was a competing format to Blu-ray.

“We’ve been pretty settled in with Blu long enough, and frankly, discs are on their way out anyway,” said movie collector Derek Paul. “I have no idea why Toshiba would do this. I have no interest in their format, and I own tens of thousands of movies. Discs are dead, anyway.”

Toshiba, though, says they’re not to be swayed.

“In the 80s, we kicked Sony’s ass in the format wars when our VHS beat out their Betamax,” said Rolls. “At this point, really, the pain of losing to them was just too much to bear. Now, we’re coming back with a vengeance.”

Rolls says that Toshiba is in talk with Disney to license their films first, hoping to release Star Wars: The Force Awakens as the first big movie in the new format wars.

Religious Groups Praise ‘Krampus’ Movie, Say It ‘Puts Jesus Back Into People’s Lives’

krampus

HOLLYWOOD, California – 

Several religious groups, mostly sponsored by the Catholic church, have said that they are “extremely happy” with the new film Krampus, which opened this past week in theatres around the country. Based around an old legend about an evil entity that kidnaps bad children at Christmastime, Krampus is a movie that religious groups say “puts Jesus back into people’s lives.”

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“Oh yes, once you see Krampus, you will come running back to Jesus,” said Mary Joseph of the Church of Sacred Hearts in Huntsville, Alabama. “I took my entire family to see it, all the children. They screamed, cried, and were scared to death. The great thing is, afterwards, they all wanted to go to church with me. They all ran back to Jesus.”

Film executives say that they are “very happy” that Christian and Catholic groups, who normally spit on their horror-centric films, are pleased with the latest feature.

“To be honest, we were just making a scary movie, but if Catholics want to run out and see it, more power to them. It’s more money in our pockets,” said one executive. “Frankly, any time they’re not shunning our movie, the better. If this works for them, I’ll just greenlight a whole slew of Krampus films. What do I care?”

Planned Parenthood Facilities To Allow Staff To Carry Concealed Weapons After Latest Attack

shooter

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

After the latest attack on a Planned Parenthood facility, the group’s spokesman has announced that they plan to allow employees and contractors to carry concealed weapons while they are working.

“Too many people are being gunned down at Planned Parenthood facilities, and it’s mostly because crazy white folks are shooting at us too damn often,” said Lashonda Jackson, spokesman for Planned Parenthood. “The funny thing is, they think we’re just about doing abortions or something. We’re literally called Planned Parenthood. What we do is in our damn name, for crying out loud. We’re not called Baby Abortions ‘R’ Us. Stop getting mad at us, white folks.”

The latest shooter, who has been arrested by police, is white, although not a Republican, as most people naturally assumed.

“If I would have had to have taken a guess, I’d have said Republican for sure,” said Jackson. “A democrat or an independent normally isn’t crazy and stupid enough to just shoot pregnant women. Mostly because common sense would tell you that a pregnant woman’s baby can’t exactly live without said pregnant woman, so you’re kind of a moron and a hypocrite if you shoot up a planned parenthood facility. Morons filled with hypocrisy is the creed of the Republican party.”

Jackson says that because of all the shootings, employees will now be allowed to carry concealed weapons. Patrons are also encourage to carry.

“If you come into one of our facilities with plans to attack, we want to be prepared, and we want to show you exactly how prepared we are,” said Jackson. “The next crazy, white, Republican lunatic will think twice before shooting up a Planned Parenthood.”

New ‘Star Wars’ Film Gets Release Date Pushed To June 2016

LOS ANGELES, California – 

Disney Co., the parent company behind the new Star Wars franchise, has announced that they will be pushing the release date for the film back several months, from December of this year to June of 2016. The move comes as part of a “cooling off” period after several suicides were reported after the trailer for the film was released last week.

“Between the suicides over African-American actors being cast in lead roles, and the protests over our apparent ‘racism’ by not having as many white actors as in previous films, we decided it best to re-shoot several of the film’s key moments,” said Disney CEO Mark Ruben. “We want every Star Wars fan to be as happy and proud of this film as we are, so with that in mind, we go back into production next week.”

According to Ruben, the film will contain several new, Caucasian characters that were not in the version that was planned for release in December.

“We originally tried to not white-wash the galaxy far, far away, but now, it seems that some changes need to be made,” said Ruben. “We will be working closely with the cast and director of The Force Awakens to make sure that the spirit of the film stays alive while we work in new characters and storylines.”

The film will go back into production next week, and shooting will take an additional 4 months. No word on whether this will also delay Episode VIII.

Punk, Metal Legend Glenn Danzig Set To Replace Hugh Jackman as ‘Wolverine’

danzig

HOLLYWOOD, California – 

Punk and metal legend Glenn Danzig, co-founder of Misfits and lead singer of the eponymous Danzig, has reportedly signed on the dotted line to take over for hulking actor Hugh Jackman in the role of Wolverine for the upcoming X-Men series of films.

“We are elated to have Mr. Danzig on board for the films,” said Marvel Studios CEO Harvey Dent. “I am, personally, a big fan of Danzig and The Misfits, as are many other people, and we know his built-in fanbase will come running to see him portray the Wolverine character. My favorite song is JuJu Bone. It’s just so catchy. No idea what it’s about, but hell, it’s just great.”

Hugh Jackman, who has played the Wolverine character almost a dozen times in the last 15 years, had decided last year to step down from the role, and was reportedly anxious to make way for Danzig to take over.

“I am so glad that they got Danzig to continue on with the character, and not some nobody like fuckin’ Tom Hardy or something,” said Jackman to Out Of Touch Magazine. “Danzig just looks like Wolverine. Like he’d ‘snikt snikt’ your fucking heart out, ya’ know? He’s even got the jacked build, naturally, to play Wolverine. I had to bulk up for fuckin’ months and let my hair grow, but not Danzig. I think he may have been born for the part.”

Danzig, who turned 60-years-old just this summer, is reportedly ‘raring to go’ for the role, which begins shooting in Atlanta in April, 2016.

“Well, I know one movie I won’t be seeing, and that’s any movie that has Danzig in it,” said current Misfits frontman and former bandmate Jerry Only. “Shame, too. Despite being a man of God, I am a huge fan of violent comic book films. I was looking forward to another film, but I guess that won’t be happening. Danzig won’t get a dime of my Misfits money!”

 

 

Congress Pushes For Ban On Alcohol Consumption On New Year’s Eve

WASHINGTON, D.C. –  alcohol ban

If you were looking to hit your favorite local hotspot for a drink or two on New Year’s Eve, it’s very possible that you might have to change your plans.

In an effort to curb drunk driving accidents and deaths, which are higher on New Year’s Even and early New Year’s Day than at any other point in the year, the United States Congress is seeking to pass a law that would outlaw the public consumption of alcohol on those two days of the year.

“No one is saying that you can’t have private parties, and that you can’t drink at home and have a celebration,” said Congressman George Flint (R-GA), who is spearheading the bill. “There is nothing wrong with a glass of champagne and a toast to the new year. There is, however, something wrong with the thousands upon thousands of violent car crashes and the hundreds of preventable deaths that happen every year on New Year’s Eve as a result of excessive alcohol consumption.”

Flint says that he is finding support among other members of congress, who also see the dangers in allowing heavy alcohol consumption leading into the new year.

“We are fighting hard to save lives,” said Flint. “It is for the protection of the people – it is for your own good – that we enact a law like this to prevent the senseless loss of life.”

According to inside reports, the law has a very good chance of passing, although there is concern that people may still drive drunk when leaving their homes, or leaving a friend’s home, after a party.

“If we can even stop one person from being killed who would have been driving home while annihilated drunk from their local bar, then this law will have succeeded,” said Flint. “We know what is best for everyone, and we will do what we can to protect the people from themselves.”

“If I didn’t fear some sort of cruel, government retaliation, I’d tell them to go straight to hell with this bullshit law,” said bar owner Joe Goldsmith, of Phoenix, Arizona. “Maybe I’ll just close the bar for the night, and have it be for a ‘private party’ or something. If people want to drink, I’ll damn sure find a way to make it happen.”

 

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