Rock Concert In Maine Now Holds World Record For ‘Most Overdoses At a Public Event’

BANGOR, Maine – 

A rock concert held last week in Maine now holds the Guinness World Record for the most overdoses on drugs at any public event.

According to the Guinness Records department, a reported 387 people overdosed, and 196 of those lead to death, at a recent concert in the small Northern city. The event, which featured a performance by a “world famous rock act,” according to police, had an estimated 15,000 people attending.

“In comparison to the number of attendees, th3 fact that there were only 387 overdoses seems comparatively small, I know,” said event organizer John Maynard. “But we really struggled to reach that number. It’s against the rules for the show to hand out or sell heavy narcotics just to hit the world record, and we definitely didn’t want to spoil our chances.”

For those who attended the concert, they said it was “just another night at a rock show,” and that most people didn’t even notice the violent convulsions, vomiting, or people passing out.

“The show was too good for me to even care, dude,” said Kyle Chaplin, 26. “I heard that a shit ton of people OD’d, and that a bunch died, too. That sucks for them, seriously. But like, it’s a rock show man. Shit’s bound to happen. Cool thing was that as soon as people started passing out and shit, it made it really easy to get up front into the good seats.”

Police say that the next event they will “loosen security” in hopes that they can move the record even higher. The next biggest number of overdoses was at Lollapalooza 1997, when 264 people OD’d. In that case, only 75 ended up dead.

Maine Launches Heroin Vending Machines To Make Sure Addicts Have Clean Needles, Good Drugs

AUGUSTA, Maine – 

Maine, one of the states with the highest amount of overdoses on heroin and other opioid drugs, has recently launched a new program to help addicts make sure that they’re getting clean, sterile equipment before shooting up.

“We want to make sure that these druggies are OD’ing clean, without also increasing the risk of AIDS or other diseases common among IV drug users,” said Maine Governor Paul LePage. “Originally, the vending machines were designed to offer only the needles, but in further discussion, we decided the best bet was to offer the entire package – a needle, heroin, a giant rubber tube – everything a good little addict will  need.”

The purpose of these vending machines, LePage says, is to make sure that people who need their fix can get it safely and securely, and that the state can better regulate the drug trade.

“We already legalized marijuana, and by next year it will go live in retail stores, and we’ll make fortune,” said LePage. “I am against marijuana, but I’m definitely not against money. This heroin trade is a booming business in our state, so it’s time we got involved.”

The machines will be placed in “high-ghetto” areas around Maine, including the state capitol, Augusta, as well as bigger cities like Bangor and Portland. They also plan to expand to smaller cities and towns over the next two years, as LePage commented that the heroin trade is big there, too.”

“There’s not a hell of a lot to do in a town like Waterville, for example, except to shoot up, so we’ll eventually focus on making sure those towns are also taken care of.”

LePage estimates that the machines will bring in hundreds of thousands of dollars in revenue in the 2018 fiscal year.

Trump Administration Plans To Legalize ‘Most Drugs’ Including Heroin To Help Stop Addiction

drugs

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

In a new statement from the White House, President Trump has said that he plans to work with states to help tackle harsh drug addiction by doing what he did to quit smoking nearly 30 years ago.

“I used to smoke, and it disgusted even me,” said President Trump. “The only way I was able to quit was to smoke until I puked I smoked about 9 packs in a matter of an hour. I never wanted to smoke again. I strongly believe that the best way to kick a habit is to overdo it. If you want to kick heroin or meth or cocaine, you just have to do an obscene amount of it. Legalizing drugs will help.”

Despite Trump’s health advisors explaining the drastic consequences this could have, Trump is reportedly undeterred.

“I also used to do a lot of cocaine. The only way I kicked that habit was by flying to Colombia and doing lines of pure white off the back of a hooker,” said Trump. “Sometimes, abundance is the only way to really flush something out of your system.”

Although Trump plans to sign an executive order later this week legalizing non-prescription drugs for use by anyone over the age of 18, there is bound to be an extreme backlash from anti-drug groups.

House That Normally Gives Drugs On Halloween Disappoints Families By Only Giving Candy

ATLANTA, Georgia –

You always hear about it on the news, but you never knew where it was. As it turns out, the answer to the question of “where is that house that always gives drugs to kids on Halloween?” is: Atlanta, Georgia. Except, not anymore. The one house in the nation that always could be counted on to give hardcore, expensive, mind-altering drugs to you children has decided that they need to clean up their act.

“We normally give really cool ecstasy tabs or MDMA pills or, really, whatever we have on hand,” said the homeowner, who would rather not be named publicly. “We have had kids, and parents, of course, lining up around the block before. We’re all about giving back to the community, but we really couldn’t afford it this year. It normally runs us about a quarter of a million to hand that stuff out on Halloween, and with the cost of living increases, Obamacare premiums, and gas prices, we just can’t handle it.”

The owners have said that they plan to just give candy this year, but to appease some angry kids and their uptight parents, they have decided they will give full-sized chocolate bars, and not minis.

Subway Employee Who Drugged Police Officer’s Drink Also Ejaculated Into Spicy Mayo Sauce

mayo

ATLANTA, Georgia –

A sandwich shop employee accused of drugging a police officer’s drink earlier this month has admitted he also contaminated the spicy mayo sauce with his semen.

It’s been more than a week since 18-year-old Tanis Ukena was arrested.

Investigators told The Associated Press they didn’t feel comfortable pressing charges until lab results are returned to confirm what was in the drink.

Initial tests indicated meth and THC were present in the beverage.

Ukena denies putting drugs in the officer’s drink, although he did admit to masturbating into the spicy mayo, after police officers said they would find out the truth in labs, and he “better fess up.”

Ukena says that he did not use the spicy mayo when making officer’s sandwich and the mayonnaise-masturbation incident was unrelated.

“I was just bored and unscrewing the cap, I thought – ‘maybe that would feel good.’ I didn’t mean to hurt anyone. Also my lawyer has advised me to say I respect police and any use of force by police is justified in my book.”

Group Takes ‘Scared Straight’ To Next Level; Cuts Heroin With Dangerous Drug

heroin

PHOENIX, Arizona – 

Heroin overdoses are on the rise, but not just because the drug is lethal in itself. A new report claims the heroin that caused more that 600 overdoses across the country in less than two days was cut with something else.

These batches of heroin which were distributed from California To Maine have killed an 75% of those who used the drug. It allegedly contained a new opiod analog 100 times more potent than fentanyl and 10,000 times stronger than morphine.

According to an anonymous spokeperson, who represents the group Friends Against Smack (FAS), the heroin was cut with carfentanil, more commonly known as elephant tranquilizer. The drug is strong enough to kill a 15,000 lb elephanit, rhinocerous, or hippopotamus.

“We have infiltrated numerous cartels responsible for the distribution of heroin. We want addicts to know that the smack they are buying very well could be their last, and advise them to seek treatment before it’s too late. Addicts are already overdosing at an alarming rate. More than half of those that end up in the hospital shoot up within hours of discharge. We want to give them incentive to change. If seeing their drug buddies die doesn’t scare them straight, nothing will, and there’s no sense wasting another dollar or treatment.”

Authorities have not officially confirmed that the overdoses are due to heroin cut with with carfentanil. Other options include fentanyl or rat poison.

Bill Clinton Takes LSD Hit Back Stage At DNC

PHILADELPHIA, Pennsylvania – 

It may not have been obvious to everyone, but Bill Clinton was higher than a kite during his wife’s “legendary” DNC speech Thursday evening. The former president was reportedly seen taking large hits of LSD back stage before joining Hillary Clinton at the podium, where he spent several minutes spacing out, and then playing with balloons.

“I have never seen anyone drop so much at once,” said a Clinton campaign staffer, who wished to remain anonymous. “He looked right at me, offered me some, and I had to take a pass. So he just took a whole bunch himself. It was intense. We tried to stop him, but you know, he’s pretty ornery for an old man.”

Hillary Clinton appeared to ignore her husband completely while he stared at confetti being dropped from the ceiling, and while he spent several minutes playing with balloons, including carrying a large one around on stage before kicking it into the crowd.

“This night is fantastic, you’re all fantastic, and everyone is so fucking awesome, man,” Bill Clinton reportedly said to reporters after the event had died down. “I don’t know how you’re all doing that swirly motion thing with your eyes, but it’s tripping me out in so many sick ways.”

 

Government Plans To End ‘War On Drugs’ By 2018

wars

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

People of all stripes are asking a question, “Should all drugs be legalized?” For many people, the answer is yes, traditional, younger liberals are not the only ones who agree.

“There are many academic and anecdotal reasons to support the belief that all drugs should be legalized and the money spent for incarcerating those convicted of possession or even low-level dealing should be spent on rehabilitation and jobs training instead,” says Republican Senator Roy Blunt. “We are working on a bill that will end the war on drugs, so we can focus on more important things like the war on terror. If there are less drug offenders in our overcrowded prisons, there will be more room to incarcerate suspected terrorists.”

This attitude is representative of most Americans, as attitudes about drugs have changed drastically over the last 15 years. According to a Pew report, in 2001, 47% of all Americans supported the notion that states might eliminate mandatory sentences for drug users. At the time, the news was full of drive-by shootings and turf wars all over the nation and the citizenry as a whole was tired of violence. By 2014, 67% of Americans believed that mandatory sentencing was wrong for lower level possession and dealing of drugs. People believed it was more important to focus on treating drug users, and this included people caught with cocaine and heroin.

Johnson & Johnson Announce New Tylenol With THC To Hit Market In Select Cities

tylenol

BENTONVILLE, Arkansas – 

Johnson & Johnson, the makers behind Tylenol pain reliever, announced today their intentions to begin selling their name-brand product with a THC additive. The company says that along with helping in pain relief, the THC also creates a “mild euphoric effect,” which can help patients in chronic pain.

“We’ve been studying the effects of marijuana, and its active ingredient, THC, for many years,” said Johnson & Johnson spokesman Hal Williams. “When combined with acetaminophen, the active ingredient of Tylenol, THC will work wonders in helping patients in long-term, chronic pain, to get some relief.”

Williams says that the company will only be marketing the product in places where medical or recreational marijuana has been made legal, but that they hope that, within a few years, they will be able to sell it openly, over-the-counter, everywhere in the United States.

“America has made leaps and bounds in legalizing marijuana and THC, specifically, but we’re not all the way there yet,” said Williams. “Johnson & Johnson definitely supports the efforts of groups looking to legalize, and we openly support the idea that this plant can be used as a medicine to treat many diseases.”

Stores To Begin Requiring Fingerprint Scans Along With EBT Cards To Avoid Fraud

fingerprint

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

According to new regulations that will soon take effect, most stores throughout the country will begin taking fingerprint scans of welfare recipients who are buying groceries. This change is being made in all 50 states in hopes that the government can push back against welfare fraud.

“There are many scams that welfare recipients currently utilize to turn their government dollars into actual cash, which they then use to buy alcohol, junk food, and drugs,” said White House representative Mark Raymond. “A new one we recently discovered is that people are buying bottled items in bulk, such as cases of water, and then dumping the water, and redeeming the bottles for the cash. Those people are idiots. Still, though, the most common is to simply pass their card off to someone else, and allow them to shop for groceries in exchange for cash.”

It’s this latter issue that the government is most concerned about, because they say that only certain poor people should be able to eat on their dime, and not all poor people.

“It comes down to drugs. That’s what these miscreants are buying with their traded cash, and we don’t need more drug addicts on welfare,” said Raymond. “These new regulations will require that fingerprint scans be run, and they must match the identity of the person whose name is on the card. This will hopefully stop the fraudulent activities occurring.”

“Man, this shit won’t stop me. I need my 40s, and I need a bump every now and then, and the way I get it each month is by selling my stamps, fifty-cent on the dollar, and then my buddy uses my card to get his groceries for his family. Shit, I ain’t even got a family. He needs it more than me,” said Freddy Carson of New York. “So this be more of a pain in my ass, but now I’m just gonna have my buddy give me a list, and I’ll go shopping for him, then give him the stuff, and he’ll give me the cash. More time out my day, so I’m gonna have to go up to seventy-five cent on the dollar, but his family gonna still get their food, and I’m still gonna be able to smoke crack. Take that, Obama!”

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