Hollywood Says That They Are ‘Done’ Making Reboots, Remakes; Original Content Only Starting 2017

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LOS ANGELES, California – 

All the major studios in Hollywood, including Paramount, Universal, Fox, and more, released a joint announcement today saying that they have “heard the call” of the movie fan, and will no longer be rebooting or remaking films, and plan to release nothing but original films and content going forward.

“People have been complaining a lot, and the internet is really the most important fan we have,” read the statement. “We have listened, and starting in 2017, there will be no more reboots from any of our studios. No remakes, either. We will still have sequels, because they’re built-in audiences that are usually cash cows, but no longer will we decide to make a movie based on another movie that is only 10 years old, that itself was based on a comic or TV series that was only 3 years old.”

The internet let out a collective yell of celebration at the news, praising Hollywood filmmakers for the first time since Avatar was released.

“Finally, they’re doing something right, and listening to what we want,” said Kip Hendrix, who says he ‘loves movies more than sluts love dick.’ “I’m so glad that I will never again have to see a movie in anticipation of another version of it being released by the time I get home from the theatre. Hollywood has sucked lately, and this is going to fix it.”

‘Mein Kampf’ Copyright Runs Out January 1st; Slew Of Filmmakers Ready To Tackle Story

mein kampy

HOLLYWOOD, California  – 

The copyright held on Hitler’s manifesto, Mein Kampf, runs out on January 1st, 2016, and there are already a dozen filmmakers readying their big screen version of the leader’s book.

Stephen Spielberg, who is best known for his films Jurassic Park and Schindler’s List, says that he has been working on a screenplay for the big screen adaptation of Mein Kampf for over a decade, merely waiting for the copyright to expire so that none of Hitler’s relatives would be able to profit from the book.

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“Oh yeah, I’m a big fan of Hitler,” said Spielberg. “I mean, I made Schindler’s List because I was really interested in that time period, and in Hitler specifically, but I couldn’t make the movie I wanted to make back then. The studios were definitely not letting me make a Mein Kampf film. They were never going to purchase the rights. Now that the copyright is expiring, I can make it a great, huge, holiday film.”

Other directors, including Kevin Smith, John Waters, and JJ Abrams are also in the process of writing screenplays based on Mein Kampf. Smith, who is known for his satirical and comedic films, says that he is planning on titling his film Mein Kamfy Chair, and telling the story of Hitler’s favorite Lay-Z-Boy.

U.S. Filmmakers Arrested After Releasing ‘Extremely Obscene’ Horror Movie

film

NEW ENGLAND, United States – 

A group of independent filmmakers were arrested yesterday after a horror film they made was released online. The movie, The Carnage Collection, is reportedly a horror anthology, but several of the stories featured included graphic violence and disturbing content, enough that one viewer reported the film to authorities.

“Much like the Charlie Sheen fiasco in the 1980s, when he reported the notorious Guinea Pig films as being real to the FBI, my clients are accused of making snuff-related cinema, which is completely bogus,” said a lawyer for the filmmakers. “Although the movie may contain scenes of an extremely violent nature, and contain content not normally fit for viewing, this arrest is a severe form of censorship.”

According to people who have seen the film, the movie contains extreme violence, but the death of a young girl via a stabbing to her vagina is one of the scenes that has people talking, and is reportedly the scene that caused the complaint. The segment in the film, titled Stuffed, apparently deals with a girl named Andrea who befriends a talking, stuffed sloth, who convinces her to rape and murder her friend.

“It’s one of the most disgusting things I’ve ever seen,” said the anonymous woman who reported the film. “I illegally downloaded the film because the cover had a picture of Santa on it, so I thought it would be okay for my kids. The fact that it is called The Carnage Collection is irrelevant to me. Sure, the movie has a Santa in it, but he’s evil, and tells another character to ‘suck my mother-f’ing jingle balls.’ Needless to say, I let me kids watch the whole thing right up until the girl gets knifed in the vagina. Then I turned it off and called the police.”

“We’re just making a movie, and it’s definitely not the worst thing I’ve ever seen,” said Derek Ferreira, one of the film’s co-directors and stars. “I mean, haven’t you guys ever heard of American Guinea Pig? A Serbian Film? Cannibal Holocaust? Those are some heavy films right there, with directors who went to jail for their art. But even still, this is just art. These are just movies. We’re being censored by The Man.

The filmmakers are reportedly being held on $20,000 bail. Although the film has been cleared of any actual death or animal abuse, the crew is still behind bars based on almost 100-year-old law that forbids the production of “obscene material.” They say they still plan to sell and release the film in the coming weeks.

Charlie Sheen Duped By Horror Film Again! Turns ‘Snuff Movie’ Over To FBI

Charlie Sheen Duped By Horror Film Again Turns 'Snuff Movie' Over To FBI

HOLLYWOOD, California – 

History is apparently repeating itself for Charlie Sheen. In 1991, the world-famous actor came into possession of a now-popular underground horror film from Japan titled Guinea Pig. The movie, which is graphically violent, depicts acts so real, that the actor believed that he was watching an actual snuff film, with people actually being killed on screen. He turned the film over to the FBI, who after an investigation probably had a good laugh at all the wasted tax dollars once they found out it was staged.

This year, a new version of the film, titled American Guinea Pig, was released after a successful crowdfunding campaign on Indiegogo.com. The new movie, which also features extreme scenes of violence, is set up, as was the original, to appear to be a real snuff film. The movie’s creators – one of whom is a special effects professional who has worked on many films over a long, successful career – purposely made the movie look as realistic as possible to appease a strong following of gore-hound fans.

According to reports, Charlie Sheen was given a burned, ‘bootleg’ copy of the movie on DVD, and was told that it was something real and “very underground.” After watching the film, Sheen reportedly turned the copy over to the FBI, again telling them he believed that he had found a real snuff movie, and that they should investigate.

Thankfully for the filmmakers, FBI investigation has come a long way since 1991, and a quick Google search revealed an IMDb page, crowdfunding campaign, and still images of the movie online. They informed Sheen that he had, once again, been fooled.

“Basically at this point, we are no longer going to be accepting any movies or leads on snuff films from Charlie Sheen,” said FBI director Marshall Givens. “He has proven to us that he cannot tell a movie from real life, and wasted our time, again, on a horror movie. Granted, American Guinea Pig was gory, but come on – it was awesome. Actually, the whole office got together after [Sheen] sent it to us, and we watched it, and we had a great time. Those gore effects were unbelievable. Obviously, there are no real snuff films, or we’d have found them by now. Unless you count Sheen in Terminal Velocity. Now that is some messed up stuff!”

“In 1991 Charlie Sheen was admittedly high as a kite on what he’s said was pounds of pure cocaine, ‘7-gram rocks,’ as he put it – which would be enough to kill a whale. A whale with a serious cocaine problem,” said special investigator on the case, Mark Belson. “Reportedly clean now, we did take his word that it was a real snuff movie this time, but no – he’s still getting easily duped by very realistic special effects and fake blood. Real blood, that is – not tiger’s blood.”

FBI investigators say that the creators of American Guinea Pig will, of course, face no charges for their film.

 

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