Woman In Uganda Confirmed To Be Over 200-Years Old

UGANDA – 

A woman living in a village in Uganda has been confirmed to be over 200-years-old by genealogists, researchers, and archivists who have looked into the woman’s lineage.

The woman, who does not remember her own name, is officially the oldest person to have ever lived. She was born in the same village in Uganda she currently lives, and says she has “never left.”

“I have lived long, I am tired. I have never gone away, this is what I know,” she said. “I am happy to be here. I am not happy to be so old. Wish I was dead. All my family, they are dead. I have had 18 children, 47 grandchildren, and 163 great-grandchildren, and they are all gone now. I’m sad. Kill me, please.”

Researchers say that they have “no idea” how it’s possible that she has lived so long, but have confirmed through genetic testing that she is, indeed, 204-years-old, having been born in 1806.

World’s Oldest Prostitute Makes Plans To Retire At Age 86

prostitute

LAS VEGAS, Nevada – 

Molly Suxcawk has been performing her namesake as a professional prostitute since 1943 in beautiful Las Vegas, Nevada, but she says what was once a calling has become more of a chore.

“I choked down my first belly full of sperm at the ripe ol’ age of 14, and I never looked back,” said Suxcawk. “I’ve been out here in Vegas, enjoying my job for the better part of 70 years, but this has definitely become a young woman’s game, and it’s time I bow out, as it were. You can only take so much before an ol’ fashioned feels less like helping a guy out and more like your arm might fall off.”

Suxcawk was recognized by Guinness as the World’s Oldest Prostitute in 2007 when she was just about 79 years old.

“There aren’t too many women like me still in the game,” said Suxcawk. “Many of them got out of it in the 80s when AIDs was becoming prevalent. A lot of them died of things like syphilis or The Black Plague, but I’ve powered through, and I’ve been doing pretty good.”

Suxcawk estimates than in her time as a professional whore, she’s had sex with more than 45,000 men.

“Sure, that seems like a lot, but I did make a handful of them wear rubbers, so it was mostly safe,” said Suxcawk, smoking a cigarette and hacking up green phlegm. “I think I’m in pretty good shape for a woman of my age, but I tell you, I throw out my back nearly every time I have to put my legs behind my head, and I’m so stopped up, I can’t even drop out a Cleveland steamer on a guy’s chest anymore. Of course, at my age, I don’t have any problems with giving golden showers, that’s for sure. I think I dribbled a few drops just sitting here talking to you.”

Suxcawk says she will retire at the end of the year, and plans to finish high school.

Mike Tyson To Get Title Shot This February In Comeback Attempt

LAS VEGAS, Nevada – Mike Tyson To Get Title Shot This February In Comeback Attempt

Actor, Author, ex-con, cartoon star, and former heavyweight champion of the world Mike Tyson is getting a comeback title shot next month at the ripe old age of 48. Current champ Wladimir Kitschko is putting his three title belts on the line to fight the aging Tyson in what will be sure to be a major pay-for-view event for fans, as well as a big payday for both fighters.

“I mean who the hell is Wladimir Kits…Kitsco…kitty cats, anyway?” asked Mike Tyson to a room of reporters trying desperately to stifle their laughs. ”I had to Google it, ’cause I had no idea who this chump champ was. Boxing needs me, ain’t nobody have to Google Mike Tyson. I’ve got the most recognizable face in sports, maybe the world, and that was even before the face tattoo. I still got it. Shit, I’m not even training for this one. Just watch. I’ll knock his ass down in one punch.”

Insider reports say that the fight could net Tyson a near $5 million payday, win or lose.

“Yeah, you know, I don’t even wanna fight that bad. It’s not that I can’t, I just don’t care. But I do care about that money, baby,” said Tyson. “I need to make it now, and not piss it all away like last time. That cartoon show money isn’t going to come rolling in forever.” 

”My man Iron Mike is back, and the world of boxing has suffered in his absence,” said legendary boxing promoter Don King. “No one cares about boxing anymore, all you hear about is the mixed martial arts. It’s sad when two men hugging each other on a mat is more popular than boxing. That’s why me and Mike have come out of retirement. Don’t listen to Mike when he says it’s for the money – heck, after my 70% off the top he won’t have much left anyway. This fight, it’s about pride in the sport. Pride in America. It’s about showing age is just a number and you’re never to old to achieve your dreams. And yeah, okay, it’s about the money too.”

 

Daytime TV Mogul Oprah Winfrey, 60, Confirms Pregnancy

LOS ANGELES, California – Daytime TV Mogul Oprah Winfrey, 60, Confirms Pregnancy

Amid speculation that Oprah Winfrey is sporting a conspicuous baby bump, the queen of media announced this morning that she will be giving birth to a baby girl. Winfrey turned 60 years old this year.

Sources close to Winfrey say she is thrilled, and can’t wait for the surgery to have the bundle of joy excised in a minimally invasive surgery to take place in February. “I wish I could move the appointment to tomorrow, but I’m afraid she’ll show up without taste buds and eyelashes, or missing several fingers or something,” The Big O gushed in a recent interview.

Stedman Graham, Oprah’s boyfriend since 1986, is reportedly not the father, as the pair were way too old to get pregnant naturally. Curiously, instead of the couple claiming the baby together as parents, Oprah has decided instead to name life-long best friend Gayle King as the baby’s father for ‘public purposes.’ On being a new father, King reportedly stated, “I never wanted children myself, but if it makes Oprah happy, it’s all worth it! And being baby-daddy to a billionaire’s kid doesn’t hurt either!”

As excited as she is to become a parent and have someone to pass her extreme wealth onto after she passes, it’s well-documented that at Oprah’s advanced age, risks of possible complications for both the mother and unborn child are significant.

According to Dr. Jan Foster, M.D., an obstetrician who did not treat Oprah; “I personally would advise her that she is exceptionally vulnerable to complications that can lead to preeclampsia, a potentially fatal condition. Plus the child could develop a learning disability, blindness, or worse.”

But the once daytime TV giant’s determination is unshakable.

“I look better than I did in the 80s, and I’m pretty sure my uterus does too. I may be 60, but I feel like a million dollars. Hell, I feel like 3 billion dollars – and I would know exactly what that feels like, too! Now –  you get a car, and you get a car, and you get a car!” Said Oprah, casually handing away Lexus sedans to anyone standing near her. “This is just the happiest I’ve ever been in my life!”

When asked if a name had been chosen, Winfrey replied, beaming, “I’ll either name her after my Grandmother Hattie Mae, or Harpo after my production company. Hattie Mae is a little old-fashioned, so I think Harpo might be the way to go!”

We reached out to Oprah’s long-time friend and mentor, writer Maya Angelou for comment, but a rep for the author stated that she was ‘dead,’ and as such was unavailable.

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