Paris Hilton Announces Own Line of Breast Implants

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Paris Hilton Announces Own Line of Breast Implants

HOLLYWOOD, California – 

In a bid to stay relevant in the rapidly changing world of celebrity, Paris Hilton today announced her intention to start her own range of breast implants. Hilton already has ranges of perfume, makeup, and fashion, and is now attempting to branch out into a more boutique industry.

“Women around the world will love what I have in store for them,” she said in a press release. “I know you’ve been waiting to get boobs with my signature of approval, and now they’ll be readily available.”

The personalized breasts are expected to be top of the range, exclusively in the price range of the upper class, drawing criticism from foundations which assist women living with breast cancer who have had surgery on their mammaries.

“She could use her money and status to help sufferers of cancer, but she only cares about girls looking ‘hot’,” said Brenda Firman, head of Breast Awareness. “It’s very disappointing that a person of her stature would be so selfish.”

In the past, Hilton has been criticized for releasing fashion that is too expensive for homeless people who have nothing to wear, perfume too expensive for job seekers who cannot afford deodorant, and makeup too expensive for some survivors of facial disfigurement. She has brushed off all accusations of selfishness, simply stating, “Why do those people not work harder to make money to afford it?”

The false boobs are expected in all sizes and styles, catering for women of every shape.

“From A-cups to Double-D and beyond, we’ve got something for you,” said her representatives. “Our shapes range from round, to oval, to square for the hipster population.”

Friend Kim Kardashian has congratulated Hilton and announced her own intentions of releasing a range of butt implants.

American Socialite, Entertainer Paris Hilton Found Dead Ends ‘Very Disturbing’

BEVERLY HILLS, California –  American Socialite, Entertainer Paris Hilton Found Dead Ends 'Very Disturbing'

Wealthy American socialite, actress, heiress, and entertainer Paris Hilton, 33, while left alone in her Beverly Hills mansion, said she found her ‘dead ends’ very alarming after showering and drying her hair.

Hilton discovered that she had fallen victim to what common-folk refer to as dead-ends, also known as split-ends, or Trichoptilosis. Trichoptilosis is caused by chemical, thermal, or mechanical stress to hair. Curling irons, excessive heat, and applications of hair coloring and/or perms may strip the protective layering off the outside of the hairs shaft while weakening it in the process, making it prone to split ends. Excessive combing is the most common culprit of mechanical stress to human hair, which, according to the heiress, was the cause of this terrible ordeal. “I just can’t believe it,” Kathy Hilton, the mother of the young socialite told Empire News. “I thought we raised our little girl better than that, to go around like that is just totally tragic.”

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When asked about the alarming incident, Paris said that she had recently fired her personal hair stylist and figured she was smart enough to go at it alone. “How hard could it be to maintain a perfect head of hair? I have all the money in the world and I’m not a child anymore. But I guess I like, totally under-estimated the like, importance of having a personal hair stylist. This is like, absolutely embarrassing. I’m like, way freaked out. I thought I could make it alone out in the real word ya know? This is like, totally a life-altering ordeal.”

After discovering the terrifying disfigurement, Hilton made plans to hop aboard her private jet, and flew from Beverly Hills to New York City to meet with world-famous hair stylist Raphael Armand Gianni, where she plans to undergo immediate hair- rehabilitation.

Richard Hilton, the 59-year-old father of Paris told Empire News he doesn’t see what all the fuss is about. “So what? the girl has split ends. Life is not exactly a walk in the park, not even if you are a Hilton. Tragic events will come and go and we just have to find a way to push through it. I’ve told her and told her that looking beautiful in public is one of the most important things she can do with her life, but not the only important thing. I truly believe Paris will indeed push through this, and find something else wrong with her if she takes a good look. Nobody is perfect, not even a Hilton.”

 

Paris Hilton Denied Suite at Hilton Hotel

ORLY, France – Paris Hilton Denied Suite at Hilton Hotel

Paris Hilton, socialite, actress, model, singer and great-granddaughter of Hilton Hotels founder Conrad Hilton, was denied a suite at the Hilton Paris Orly Airport location last week.

“It was an oversight and we were simply filled to capacity,” explained hotel concierge Monique Val-de-Marne, through a translator.  “It was quite embarrassing for us as you can well imagine.  We offered to provide accommodation for Miss Hilton through the courtesy of one of our competitors, which she gracefully accepted.”

Hilton traveled to France to host an art gallery opening and to promote her second studio album featuring the single “Come Alive” which was released on July 8.

Produced by the record label Cash Money, a subsidiary of Universal Music Group, the music video features images of rainbows, pink, puffy clouds and unicorns, echoing Hilton’s public persona – that of a young, entitled princess, spending the bulk of her time enjoying the leisurely and dream-like lifestyle that comes with fame and fortune.

“Hilton Hotels provide unparalleled service and amenities to all of our guests,” said Val-de-Marne, who blamed the misstep on a staff member who did not recognize Ms. Hilton.  “We always have a private suite set aside for what you would call VIPs,” she continued, “but this time an oversight was made for which we take full responsibility.  The employee has been taken care of,” added Val-de-Marne, who was not working at the time of Hilton’s visit.  The employment status off the staff member could not be confirmed or verified, with a terse “No comment!” issued by an unidentified reception desk staff member when reached by phone.

“Miss Hilton behaved quite professionally and politely from all reports,” remarked Val-de-Marne, “and we would be happy to have her visit our hotel anytime she wishes to do so.”

No statement has been issued by representatives of Paris Hilton with regard to the incident.

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