Man Killed After Mistakenly Thinking Red Bull Energy Drink Would Give Him Literal Wings

CARLSON, Idaho –

A 23-year-old man, Jacob Andrews, was killed yesterday after he jumped out of the window of his 6th floor apartment in Carlson, Idaho. According to friends, Andrews had drank an entire case of the energy drink Red Bull, and mistakenly thought that the beverage would give him actual, literal wings.

“We’d been drinking vodka red bulls for like, at least 5 or 6 hours,” said Andrews’ friend, Miles Teller. “After awhile, Jacob began talking about how he could fly, the commercials promised him wings, that he could jump out the window and he’d be okay. We tried to explain that it was just a commercial, they weren’t being literal. He was always a stupid drunk.”

Andrews apparently downed one last can of the drink, and leaped through the window.

“Funny thing is, Jacob didn’t even open the window – he smashed right through the glass, too” said Police Chief Marcus Wiggum. “Even if the 6 story drop didn’t kill him, he was pretty messed up from smashing through the giant, double-paned glass.”

MOSCOW, Russia –

In the global arms war, it is often about who can advance in technology and tactics the fastest. Despite that fact, the United States government has seemingly decided to take a different approach while handling the very difficult situation in Ukraine regarding Russia.

Over the last 90 days, the number of cases of vodka has risen by nearly 100 percent per week across the boarder of the Ukraine and into counties in Southwest Russia. Soldiers have been seen inebriated in public areas and on military posts have increased by 25 percent in the last two months. None of the overflow of vodka has not gone to waste, as the Russian public seems to keep pace with any supply increase.

“We have seen an increase of vodka, yes,” Said General Tarasovich. “We believe the Americans are attempting to challenge our ability to stay a united and driven front. The attempt is futile. We have a long and storied history of drinking. The Americans have no idea what they are dealing with.”

Sources say that the attempt may be to slow the effective advancement of troops into the Ukraine over the coming months. The United States has a lot on its respective plates in Iraq and atrocities in Africa. A hefty push by Russia into the Ukraine is the last thing the military needs.

Said U.S. Admiral Jonathan Hathaway, “The United States Government can neither confirm, nor deny, the use of indigestible spirits as a strategy of war. Nor could we discuss any discussions regarding the possibility of such strategies.”

The Admiral did divulge one piece of supposed information.

“I will say that if the U.S. Government had been using spirits to attempt to inebriate the soldiers of Russia, in order to slow their advances, that it would be a wholly misguided attempt. The one thing you cannot do to a Russia is challenge him to drink, and expect to come out the victor.”

He continued, “If one were to send alcohol to the Russians, it would be better served as a pledge of good faith that they will behave themselves while we deal with other pressing matters that deserve our attention.”

In the weeks since the increase, Ukrainian hospitals have seen the admission levels for drunk driving and alcohol poisoning skyrocket. No reports of Russian soldiers have been noted in any of the facilities thus far. Various Russian military vehicles have been found ditched on the side of the road, however.