TALLAHASEE, Florida –
A Florida man has been arrested after police discovered 29 mutilated and sexually-assaulted bodies under his porch. Police were lead to the home of Raymond Garfield, 30, after an anonymous tip.
According to reports, Garfield may have been murdering young women for over 10 years. He had been raping them, and killing them in numerous way – but all of the women were picked up in a local swingers bar.
“Mr. Garfield was seen frequenting a local nightclub, Le Swing, many times over the last several years, and would always leave with a young lady,” said Police Captain Lou Albano. “The women, several of whom were regulars, were never seen again. An investigation into Mr. Garfield was conducted after an anonymous bar patron called us, concerned about the constant stream of missing women he had seen leave with Garfield over several months.”
Garfield, a former construction worker, was arrested without incident. He is currently being held with no bail, with a court date set for March 3rd. If convicted, he will likely face the death penalty.
SACRAMENTO, California –
Lawmakers in California have passed a new law through the House that will completely abolish the sale of cigarettes throughout the state, according to reports. The new regulation, which will cost the state billions in tax revenue, will supposedly save upwards of 2 million lives per year.
“We have known forever that smoking is stupid shit, so why are we still selling cigarettes? Why is this still a thing?” said Representative John Lyman – D, California. “There is absolutely no reason to smoke. None. It doesn’t have a single actual benefit. It’s not like smoking weed, which, let’s face it, is awesome. Banning the sale will save lives, and help children not pick up the habit.”
The law will not go into effect until January of 2020, but Lyman says he hopes that many stores stop selling before then.
“I doubt they will, but it really is something we’re hoping the public helps us with,” said Lyman. “I mean shit, this isn’t Alabama. We’re a lot more sophisticated here.”
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
President Trump signed a new order today, removing marijuana from the list of schedule-1 drugs, opening the floodgates for the drug to become legal on a federal level.
“I’ve always been against drinking, because alcoholism killed someone very close to me,” said President Trump. “But that said, I’ve always been a big fan of smoking the ganj. In fact, it was while I was baked out of my mind with a couple of friends that I first thought to run for President, and now – well, here I am.”
President Trump said that with the increased tax revenue from the sale of marijuana nationwide, he hopes to build the border wall.
“Honestly, legalizing on a federal level will bring in trillons of dollars for this country. It will boost the economy and the government will be flooded with new monies,” said Trump. “I will have my wall built by the end of the year.”
BOSTON, Massachusetts –
It all started as a simple thread in a well-known Spanish forum called “forocoches,” where someone posted the following question: “If I eat snot, will my children have green eyes?”
The post went viral around the world generating discussion. That’s why researchers at Harvard University in Boston, Massachusetts decided to study the effect – expecting to find no correlation. Their findings turned out to be extremely surprising.
They concluded that swallowing snot increases 80% the chances of green eyes for the baby.
“Believe it or not, we already knew about some benefits of eating your own boogers,” said Dr. Sam Not, who headed up the research. “It actually has health benefits, including boosting your immune system. What we didn’t know was that it directly correlated to eye color in the fetus of a pregnant woman. Our findings were astounding.”
Unfortunately, the news broke quite quickly, and has since become viral on social media. With doctors advocating for snot eating, many mothers-to-be are asking the really tough questions, such as “does snot contain gluten?” and ”If I’m a vegan, can I eat my snot?”
“Sorry to say, that medical science has not quite caught up to those questions yet,” said Dr. Not.
TOKYO, Japan –
A study from a prestigious Japanese university proves that the size of the penis decreases proportionally according to the number of showers a man takes. The study, which was initialized by Dr. Eypee Frealy, found that in a sample size of over 1000 men of various ages, their penis size would decrease based on the number of showers they took.
“Japanese people are known to have a smaller penises, but we wanted to find out if this was true,” said Dr. Frealy. “Of course, the study proved it was factually correct compared to other countries, but it also means that that the Japanese are the cleanest men in the world – it’s the perfect excuse.”
Dr. Frealy explained that the phenomenon happens due to two separate factors – Washing causes friction that causes erosion at the area, and excessive hydration.
“In one instance, an excessively clean man had completely lost his penis up inside his body. He showered and washed 5 to 6 times each day for a year. His OCD completely caused his penis to disappear,” said Frealy. “It’s a rarity, but it happened.”
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
In a breakthrough discovery, officials at the Scientific Lab For Study and Research in Washington, D.C., have developed the world’s first 100% cure for all types of cancer, no matter the region in the body or the severity. Researchers have been working on the drug for more than 20 years in secret, and trials on human subjects were just completed earlier this year.
The drug, which is already approved by the FDA for use in patients, has the largest price tag of any in the history of medicine. A single injection costs $4.7 million dollars, with the course of treatment needing a total of 52 injections over the course of a year. Final cost for the treatment? Nearly $2.5 billion dollars per person.
“We know that it’s really, really high, but frankly, there’s not much we can do about it,” said lead researcher, Mario Jones, M.D. “The ingredients in the drug warrant the cost. We’re actually taking a loss on each injection by several hundred thousand dollars. I cannot speak to, exactly, what is in the drug, because of patent concerns, but let me tell you, it’s really a great deal if you can get your hands on it.”
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
In a shocking move, Michelle Obama says she is ready to begin campaigning for a shot at the White House in 2020. The announcement comes after several months of speculation, but with Michelle always saying it wasn’t going to happen. The news also includes a shocking running mate – Michelle’s husband, former President Barack Obama.
“We had to look into the legalities a lot, because we were not 100% sure it could happen, but it turns out, everything is in order,” said Michelle Obama in a statement. “Barack finished his two terms as elected President, but would be allowed to serve two more terms as Vice President, were he able to get elected with a running mate who is eligible for the office. I believe I’m more than qualified for the job.”
When questioned about the issue, though, that if something were to happen to her after election, Barack would become President for a third term, Michelle smiled slyly.
“Yes, well…you do never know what the future holds,” she said.
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
President Trump says he is beginning the preparations for deporting his wife, Melania, back to “whatever third world shithole she comes from,” according to official White House documents.
According to reports, Melania and President Trump had a bitter argument in the middle of the Oval Office, although the stories differ as to what caused the argument in the first place, with most sources stating that President Trump dislikes being referred to be his wife as “President Cheeto.”
“Frankly, I think it’s a sweet term of endearment from a wife to her husband,” said one anonymous staffer. “He really is taking it the wrong way. Now, of course, when she refers to his penis as the President’s ‘little Cheeto Puff,’ that might be crossing a line. But still – they’re married, you’re supposed to work these things out.”
President Trump said that he has been married enough times in his life, that “ditching one more won’t make much of a dent” in his life.
A Florida man has been charged with felony kidnapping and attempted murder after authorities discovered 47 missing children locked in the basement of his home.
According to police, more than 50 children have been reported missing in Miami since last Monday, and police were at a loss about the disappearances, until a tip lead them to the home of Mario Wilson, 50. Police say that an anonymous call led them to them.
“We have no idea who made the call, or how they knew where to find the children, but we are grateful,” said police chief Mitch Rogers. “We have found 47 of the 52 children reported missing. We are still hunting for the 5 remaining children, and at this point, we have no reason to consider them anything other than ‘missing.’”
Wilson reportedly was luring children into his home with the prospect of watching an unreleased Pokemon movie, to which every child gleefully ran into the home. Inside, they were disappointed to find that it was just a VHS tape of old recorded episodes.
A large group of concerned parents say they are extremely disappointed in the lack of drugs found mixed into their children’s bags after trick-or-treating this year. They say the issue comes because of the scare-tactic posts and “clickbait bullshit” articles they’ve seen posted on their social media pages.
“Frankly, I was a little upset that Johnny only came home with a bag of candy, and there were no nugs of weed or gummy bears laced with ecstasy mixed in,” said Maria Jones, 38. “With all the articles you see floating around every year, and especially this year, I really expected something good to be in the bag. It’s a huge letdown.”
“Frankly, I blame the junkies for all of this,” said Chris Richards, 29. “We have an increased amount of avid drug users in this city, and so many people are using, there’s just nothing left to give the kids anymore during Halloween. It really sucks. My 7-year-old is pleased as shit about the M&Ms, but where’s my MDMA?!”
City officials say that this Halloween, like every Halloween throughout history, went off without a hitch, and there were no reported razor blades, needles, or drugs given out during the city’s trick-or-treating.