ATLANTA, Georgia –
Richard Atkins, 64, has been in a coma for the last 26 years, the result of a hit-and-run car accident that left him hospitalized. Although doctors had told Atkins’ wife, Miranda, that they believed if he ever woke up that Richard would be a complete “vegetable,” Miranda decided not to pull the plug.
“I’m so glad I listened to my gut, I knew he’d wake up eventually,” said Miranda. “I am concerned about his choice to be put back under though.”
Doctors were flabbergasted that Atkins woke up last Tuesday morning, cracking jokes and asking for lunch.
“He is a marvel of the medical world, that’s for sure,” said Dr. Francis Joseph. “I’ve been treating Atkins as his doctor for the last 20 years of his 26 years in a comatose state, and I never expected this. He woke up, was fine, and didn’t seemed at all bothered he’d been in a coma for nearly 3 decades. In fact, he asked to be put back under for another year so he’d be eligible for his social security and retirement benefits.”
Doctors say that they initially declined to give in to Atkins’ request, but eventually were persuaded.
“I told them that I had memories of being sexually abused while in my coma by hospital staff,” said Atkins before they put him back under. “Don’t tell anyone that it was total crap, I don’t remember a thing. I just don’t want to work again. Work sucks.”
EDGEWORTH, Florida –
A Florida man has died after he attempted to eat over $10,000 worth of Girl Scout cookies, which is approximately 1500 boxes.
John Richards, 43, died after his 87th box, when he suffered both a massive stroke and a major heart attack simultaneously.
“I have no idea what made that fat shit think he could finish off all those boxes, or why he even tried,” said Marlene Richards, 40. “I’ve been married to John for 20 years, and on his ass about his weight pretty much this whole time. When he heard that the Boy Scouts were going to allow girls in, he told me he thought that the cookies would ‘go extinct,’ and he wanted to get all he could. Dumb bastard.”
Police say they had to hire a team of movers to get Richards’ body out of the home, as he “weighed close to that of a grand piano.”
“The thing that really pisses me off is that he cashed out his life insurance policy to buy the cookies,” said Marlene Richards. “What in the hell am I going to do now? Eat the rest of these cookies for the rest of my life? God, I hate that fat lard.”
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
According to the US Department of Births and Deaths, February 27th, 2019 was the first time in the recorded history of Man that no one was born, and no one died. The phenomenon has everyone puzzled.
“I have no idea how it happened, I didn’t even know it could happen,” said US DBD Chairman Richard Vallee. “Normally, there are nearly 200,000 deaths and about 220,000 births every day throughout the world. We monitor these numbers out of our offices in the United States, but record the entire world. This has never happened before, and is likely to never happen again.”
Vallee says that they are currently looking into any sort of “otherworldly” phenomenon or atmospheric reason that no one was born or died yesterday, but so far, they’ve been drawing a blank.
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
In what most are calling a “backroom deal,” President Trump has struck an arrangement with Amazon, Netflix, Disney, Wayfair, and other major companies in the United States, where they will not have to pay any taxes at all, regardless of income.
The purpose of the deal, according to insiders, is to ensure the “continuation and expansion of commerce and entertainment in the United States.”
“If Netflix makes $100 million dollars in profit, just as an example, should they be forced to pay 85% of that in taxes?” said President Trump in a completely unprepared statement. “Of course not, they need money to continue growing their company, and growing their output of amazing shows. That’s what is important when ti comes to the growth of this country. That’s how we’re going to continue to Make America Great Again.”
HUNTSVILLE, Alabama –
A 9th grade class made up of 28 students in Huntsville, Alabama, have reportedly killed themselves in a “mass suicide pact,” after reportedly watching a new viral video online.
“Momo,” which is a stupid internet hoax that has been blown way out of proportion by the media, has now lost its hoax status after all the students were found dead in their school’s basement.
The children, most of whom were 14 or 15, reportedly each bought sleeping pills and bleach, and drank the toxic mixture. Police say the crime scene is “the worst in the history of police work.”
Melanie Reeve, 16, said one of her best friends was one of the teens who killed themselves, but she says she has “no idea” why should would do it.
“Everyone knows the Momo thing is fucking fake, that’s old news and no one actually cares about it except the news and old parents,” said Reeve. “I have no idea why [name redacted] did this. I told her that Momo wasn’t real, and she was just like ‘I know,’ but then did it anyway.”
Police are cautioning parents not to let their kids go “anywhere near the internet” until the Momo craze blows over.
ATLANTA, Georgia –
In a press release from Planned Parenthood, the non-profit company announced today that they would be ceasing to perform any abortions at any of their clinics throughout the country. The reason, they say, is not because of increased pressure from religious groups or right-wing nutjobs, but because they just really are sick of it being their “sole focus” in the media.
“We do so many amazing things for women, and for families in genera,” said Planned Parenthood CEO Marge Brock. “All anyone ever talks about is ‘gee, do you know how many abortions the perform,’ and that sort of thing. Frankly, it’s taking away all the resources of our other services, and we don’t have time to bother.”
Brock says that they will continue to council women on where they can get safe, medically performed abortions should they ask, but they won’t do anything in their facilities.
“We think this change will be great, and allow us to let people know about all the good we do,” said Brock. “Maybe now all these assholes will stop standing outside our offices with badly written signs and hatred, and they can go back to the internet where trolls belong.”
TALLAHASEE, Florida –
A Florida man has been arrested after police discovered 29 mutilated and sexually-assaulted bodies under his porch. Police were lead to the home of Raymond Garfield, 30, after an anonymous tip.
According to reports, Garfield may have been murdering young women for over 10 years. He had been raping them, and killing them in numerous way – but all of the women were picked up in a local swingers bar.
“Mr. Garfield was seen frequenting a local nightclub, Le Swing, many times over the last several years, and would always leave with a young lady,” said Police Captain Lou Albano. “The women, several of whom were regulars, were never seen again. An investigation into Mr. Garfield was conducted after an anonymous bar patron called us, concerned about the constant stream of missing women he had seen leave with Garfield over several months.”
Garfield, a former construction worker, was arrested without incident. He is currently being held with no bail, with a court date set for March 3rd. If convicted, he will likely face the death penalty.
SACRAMENTO, California –
Lawmakers in California have passed a new law through the House that will completely abolish the sale of cigarettes throughout the state, according to reports. The new regulation, which will cost the state billions in tax revenue, will supposedly save upwards of 2 million lives per year.
“We have known forever that smoking is stupid shit, so why are we still selling cigarettes? Why is this still a thing?” said Representative John Lyman – D, California. “There is absolutely no reason to smoke. None. It doesn’t have a single actual benefit. It’s not like smoking weed, which, let’s face it, is awesome. Banning the sale will save lives, and help children not pick up the habit.”
The law will not go into effect until January of 2020, but Lyman says he hopes that many stores stop selling before then.
“I doubt they will, but it really is something we’re hoping the public helps us with,” said Lyman. “I mean shit, this isn’t Alabama. We’re a lot more sophisticated here.”
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
President Trump signed a new order today, removing marijuana from the list of schedule-1 drugs, opening the floodgates for the drug to become legal on a federal level.
“I’ve always been against drinking, because alcoholism killed someone very close to me,” said President Trump. “But that said, I’ve always been a big fan of smoking the ganj. In fact, it was while I was baked out of my mind with a couple of friends that I first thought to run for President, and now – well, here I am.”
President Trump said that with the increased tax revenue from the sale of marijuana nationwide, he hopes to build the border wall.
“Honestly, legalizing on a federal level will bring in trillons of dollars for this country. It will boost the economy and the government will be flooded with new monies,” said Trump. “I will have my wall built by the end of the year.”
BOSTON, Massachusetts –
It all started as a simple thread in a well-known Spanish forum called “forocoches,” where someone posted the following question: “If I eat snot, will my children have green eyes?”
The post went viral around the world generating discussion. That’s why researchers at Harvard University in Boston, Massachusetts decided to study the effect – expecting to find no correlation. Their findings turned out to be extremely surprising.
They concluded that swallowing snot increases 80% the chances of green eyes for the baby.
“Believe it or not, we already knew about some benefits of eating your own boogers,” said Dr. Sam Not, who headed up the research. “It actually has health benefits, including boosting your immune system. What we didn’t know was that it directly correlated to eye color in the fetus of a pregnant woman. Our findings were astounding.”
Unfortunately, the news broke quite quickly, and has since become viral on social media. With doctors advocating for snot eating, many mothers-to-be are asking the really tough questions, such as “does snot contain gluten?” and ”If I’m a vegan, can I eat my snot?”
“Sorry to say, that medical science has not quite caught up to those questions yet,” said Dr. Not.