Parents Sue School For Not Allowing Daughter To Wear Skinny Jeans

19

GORDON, Texas – 

Parents of a 15-year-old teen are suing their local school district over their dress policy, after their daughter was sent home one day for inappropriate clothing. The school’s dress code policy requires that girls wear skirts, jumpers, frumpy jeans or “skorts.”

“My little daughter has the perfect little legs – well slightly knobby knees, but that’s not the point. If she was some chunky monkey I could understand prohibiting her from wearing skinny jeans,” said Mario Lewis, whose daughter, Samantha, was sent home for her clothing. “It would be in her own benefit. Just because some girls cannot pull them off does not mean my daughter should be punished.”

“The school is also forcing certain ideas about what it means to be a woman. If I had wanted wardrobe discrimination I would have shipped her off to some charter school where the dress code dictates she always wear dresses and be a proper lady. As a parent I made the informed decision to send her to public school where she could dress like a little skank if she saw fit. It’s my first amendment right.”

Other parents are upset, not at the ban of skinny jeans, but that it does not apply to everybody. “The gay kids get away with it,” says one father, who did not want his name used for fear saying something about gay kids made him look like a homosexual himself.

Some members of the community feel the dress code should be even stricter. Paul Acker, local resident says, “We should go back to a time when girls knew that the husband wears the pants. God’s plan for men and women is different, and not only skinny jeans but short skirts and makeup are a signal to Satan.”

Hate Your Job? Scientific Study Reveals Reason Why!

job

PORTLAND, Oregon – 

These days, the majority of people seem to dislike their careers, and the Oregon Health and Science University has found out why. After surveying more than a million US workers, the number one reason people hate their jobs is “having to deal with other people’s bullshit.”

Other reasons such as lack of pay, lack of fulfillment, and too little vacation time were cited, the overwhelming majority of people hate their jobs due to the people they work with, the people they work for, or the public that they have to put up with.

Expert Adam Lachance, who worked on the study, says it is a hopeless situation.

“There is no escaping people’s bullshit. No matter what field you are in, you are guaranteed to run into it at least 3 to 5 times a day,” said Lachance. “More if you find yourself in a career that puts you in direct contact with the public, and upwards of 30 to 40 times a day if you find yourself in the unfortunate career of working in a call center.”

Lachance says the careers with the least amount of bullshit to deal with include coma patient, funeral attendant, and unbelievably, car salesman.

Women Use Pubic Hair In New Nail Designs

pubic hair

LOS ANGELES, California – 

Hollywood has always been at the forefront of crazy trends, but this latest one might just be the most bizarre. According to fashion magazine and website GirlLooks, women are shaving their pubic hair and forming it into crazy, hairy fingernail designs.

“Hair is sexy, but hair down there is definitely not,” said fashion mogul Jerard DuPre. “But, if you take that pussy hair, and you trim it, and you comb it, and you soften it with the most luxurious conditioners, and then you glue it to your fingernails, you will be a bombshell.”

DuPre says that he came up with the technique after seeing how much hair was wasted at his Hollywood salon.

“Women come in all the time for new hairdos, waxings, and bikinis,” said DuPre. “We were throwing away pounds of hair a week. Now, we take the hair from the nether-regions and repurpose it. The trend caught on better than I ever could have imagined.”

Major stars including Jennifer Lawrence, Kim Kardashian, and even Barbara Walters have all been seen using their pussy hair as nail trimmings.

“It’s beautiful, and all women at the forefront of fashion and trends are doing it,” said DuPre.

Got A Terrible Song Stuck In Your Head? 5 Ways To Relieve A ‘Musical Hangover’

song

Every once in a while, a song becomes so popular or is played so repeatedly, that you can’t turn around without hearing it, and once you do, it’s in your head for hours, days, or weeks. It’s the earworm at it’s finest (or its worst, really) and sometimes it feels like there isn’t much you can do about it. If you’re anything like me though, random songs will pop into your head even when you haven’t heard them lately, and then it drives you even more crazy. So crazy, that you’ll try anything to get it out of your head. Here’s some handy tips on how to relieve the musical agony.

1. SEEK OUT THE ARTIST OR BAND WHO WROTE THE SONG, AND TWEET THEM ABOUT THEIR HORRIBLE MUSIC

This is always the first thing I do whenever I get song stuck in my head. Finding the singer on social media and letting them know that their abysmal, shitty song is taking up valuable space in your brain is a great way to beat the tune right out of you. You’re already angry that you can’t stop humming ‘Hello,’ so tell Adele exactly what you think of her terrible pop song. This is also a great way to get support from other people who read your tweet, and also hate having shitty songs stuck in their head.

2. LISTEN TO ANOTHER, MORE CATCHY, MORE TERRIBLE SONG

Sometimes I wake up in the morning, and I’ll have a song stuck in my head that I haven’t heard for years. Let’s say it’s Hanson’s ‘Mmmbop.’ There are few things in life worse than that terrible, half-scat pop, but there are a few songs that, when sang out, and really loud, will easily make you forget about the tragedy stuck in your lobes. Try screaming WHO LET THE DOGS OUT?! or the jumbled lyrics to The Macarena while staring in the mirror. That first tune will be gone faster than you can say “one hit wonder.”

3. COMMIT SUICIDE

This one might be a heavy-handed way to go, but let’s look at this logically. Say you’re driving down the road, and you stop at a read light. The person next to you is blaring the radio, and you hear them screeching along to ‘Cotton Eyed Joe’ by Rednex. There is no way possible to escape that pain and agony. Just reading the title right now, you’ve probably already looked around for the nearest rope or gas oven, longing for the days before you knew that song existed. There are those songs out there so bad, and such horrible earworms, that the only way out is by taking your own life. I’m sorry, it’s a harsh coarse, but I’m just being realistic.

4. KILL THE ARTIST OR BAND WHO WROTE THE SONG

Unlike suicide, this option is a lot easier on your own life, in that it keeps you breathing. Much like example number one, this option really lets the artist who created that shitty song you can’t get out know exactly what you think of them. There are some drawbacks, such as not being able to live a life of freedom for very long, but there is also the notoriety level that comes along with the murder of a famous person. I mean hell, everyone knows who killed John Lennon, right? Of course, this doesn’t guarantee that you will be able to forget the song, but it does help in at least making sure whoever sang it never gets that opportunity again.

5. DO HEAVY DRUGS

This one really should have been number one, because when it comes down to it, nothing is going to make you feel as good, and relieve more tension, stress, and bad earworms, than doing copious amounts of great, hard drugs. Try to steer clear of cocaine or meth, as they will just make you want to get up and dance to the music in your head, whether you like it or not, and stick to the psychedelics. Mushrooms would be great, because you’ll start hearing the songs in your brain on a whole new level and hey, maybe they were never that bad to begin with.

Design & Developed By Open Source Technologies.