Homeless Man Finds $200,000 In NYC Trash Can

Posted on November 24, 2014 by JP

MANHATTAN, New York –

Perhaps one of the luckiest and most honest people on the planet, Berry Holden recently went from living on the streets of New York, to living on the streets of New York with a giant bag of cash.

Holden said that he had been homeless on the streets of New York City for over 20 years, until one lucky Sunday while he was in the park. As Holden was sleeping on a bench, he noticed a man pass by and throw away almost an entire sandwich into a nearby trash bin.

“I was starving, and needed something in my stomach. I just woke up as the man passed by, and it was perfect timing, because it was a roast beef sub, and I love roast beef,” said Holden. “When I went over to the trash can so I could dig out the sandwich, I had trouble finding it, so had to dig deep in the can to grab it. When I was digging I noticed a very large, heavy bag and lifted it out. When I opened it I couldn’t believe my eyes!”

Holden said that once he found the money, he forgot all about the sandwich – at least the discarded one.

“I went and bought myself lunch, a new outfit, and got myself a haircut. After doing all of those things, I went back to the park and tried to find the right full owner of the money,” said Holden. “I enjoy being homeless – that’s why I did it. It wasn’t drugs or booze or the stock market that made me homeless. I see normal people constantly pissed off and angry, and I remember being pissed off and angry when I worked all day. Now I have no commitments.”I would have left the cash there, but I was starving, and my clothes and hair were getting kind of gross. I’m still looking or the rightful owner. I’ve counted the money 4 times now, and it is about $200,000.”

Holden claims he will return the money to the rightful owner if he runs into them. In the meantime, he is still remaining on the streets and doesn’t plan to spend any more of the cash.

Florida Woman Sells Eye For $100 Cash

Posted on October 8, 2014 by kellybr

MIAMI, Florida –

Unemployed single mother Mary Sampson, 30, who was in desperate need of grocery money to feed her six children, was recently presented with a unique business opportunity.

“It’s embarrassing, but I was out panhandling for the first time in my life, and not doing well at all, when I was approached by two large Russian men who said they had a business opportunity for me,” said Sampson.

According to her account, after several minutes of hesitation, Sampson got into a van with the Russian men, and was driven to a warehouse. The ‘business opportunity’ that they presented was an offer to buy her left eye for the sum of $50.

“At first I was like not only ‘no,’ but ‘hell no!’” Sampson said. “But they [the Russians] made me feel guilty. They said my eye would go to an elderly woman, blind from birth, who only had six months to live. She desperately wanted to see before she died, even if it were only through one eye. I spent the longest ten minutes of my life trying to decide if I should sell it or not.”

Sampson finally agreed to help the blind woman, but needed more than fifty dollars for the groceries she was planning to purchase. Sampson said asking for more money led to a somewhat intense back and forth negotiation with the Russians until both parties finally settled on one hundred dollars cash.

“At first they wanted to write me a check, but I’m not stupid. Even though they seemed sorta nice, they might have tried to write a bad check. I’ve had people write me bad checks before. I told them I’m a cash only girl,” said Sampson.

The Russians had their own doctor extract the eye in a medical room they had conveniently setup inside the warehouse, and Sampson was dropped back at her panhandling spot the next day.

Sampson said she’s now adjusting ‘okay’ to life with one eye, minus a couple of infections, but was just glad she could buy groceries for her children.

“Plus, I got to make an old woman somewhere very happy by giving her the gift of limited vision,” said Sampson, proudly.

Obama To Sign Executive Order Changing U.S. Currency From Dollar To Euro

Posted on August 13, 2014 by Abe Abrams

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Obama is not done transforming America just yet, and according to insiders from the White House, his latest planned executive order will change the way every American does business. President Obama reportedly plans on changing the U.S. dollar to the euro, and the big change could come as early as next week – although the current dollar would still be accepted up until January 1st, so as to ‘not interfere with holiday shopping.’

“The euro is the second most traded currency in the world, and the U.S. dollar is number one. I made a promise to our European friends when I got elected to end American capitalism and control. The first step was to stop being the ‘world police’, and switching to the euro is the next step,” said Obama. “Once our switch is complete, it will lead the way to a true World Bank. Individual governments making decisions will be a thing of the past, one bank, one authority, making all the decisions for the world will become the norm. That is my personal goal. Then, once my presidency is over, I hope to be appointed leader of the World Bank I’ve helped to create, so I can finish what I started in building a better world in my vision.”

“Well I haven’t read the order yet, but the President hasn’t made a bad decision since he took office, so this is probably a great idea,” said Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi. “I’m sure the far right wackos will have a problem with the euro, but they have a problem with everything because they’re all racists. If the House and Senate would just do everything the President wanted without bitching, these executive orders wouldn’t be necessary. I’m personally glad that Barack is not letting the constitution get in his way of creating a better United States of America.”