McDonald’s To Pay Child Support For Employees Instead Of Providing Raises


OAK BROOK, Illinois – 

McDonald’s has been taking fire from underpaid employees for years, with workers demanding a raise to at least $15 per hour, the lowest wage they claim they are “worth.” McDonald’s, which has very few corporate-owned locations and mostly is run by franchisees, have constantly fought back, claiming rightfully that none of their employees are worth or deserve $15 for the menial, easy jobs that they perform.

In an announcement released by the company this morning, though, McDonald’s has agreed to help its massive workforce by paying a large percentage of each employee’s child support payments.

“It came to our attention that a lot of employees needed a wage increase solely to pay for their over abundance of children,” said McDonald’s CEO Ronald McDonald. “As opposed to increasing the hourly wage, which we fear would send more of our employees straight to the liquor store or to their dealer, we have decided instead to allocate funds directly to the state governments, which they, in turn, can divide amongst the families of our employees for their mandated child support payments.”

McDonald’s says that they plan on putting the new payouts into effect on January 1st. In the extremely likely case that both parents work at McDonald’s locations, the money that would go to the parent that has custody will instead be “held” by the company for the child until they have reached the age of 18.

“At that point in time, they can choose to accept the money for either a college education, or for other useful items, such as a car,” said McDonald. “They will never, ever be handed cash or a check, because as stated, we are highly aware that they would more than likely go to use it on drugs or alcohol, just as their minimum wage parents would.”


Mariah Carey Ordered To Pay Nick Cannon $1M Per Month In Child Support

Mariah Carey Ordered To Pay Nick Cannon $1M Per Month In Child Support

LOS ANGELES, California – 

Mariah Carey has been ordered to pay ex-husband, Nick Cannon, one million dollars a month in child support. The ruling comes even though Carey has retained custody of their kids. The money is reportedly for Cannon’s own use.

“It’s always the kids who get hurt most in a divorce, and Cannon is clearly the victim here,” said Judge Tina Walters. “He’s just a small boy, trying to live a functional life in a normal, happy family. And yes, technically the ‘kids’ are living with Mariah. But who needs it more? Poor little Nick does, that’s who.”

Carey will not feel financial pressures from the ruling, as her reported net worth stands at a staggering $510 million. However, the former American Idol judge, which is perhaps the most condescending way of describing this legendary singer, plans to appeal.

“It’s not about the money, it’s a matter of principle,” said close friend, Hilda Hatsley. “Yes, Nick is a child, but he’s not her child. She married him – that’s not the same as adoption. She looked after him, which was never in the marriage contract in the first place. It’s not her job to keep him above water.”

Nick Cannon himself thinks that the order is fair.

“I’m not rich. She’s rich,” the rapper explained, using his words. “Therefore she should give me money. That’s how it works. I’m Robbing Hoodster – that guy in tights. I am the man. I am the man-child. I rock.”

Friends of Cannon have come to his defense.

“Nick’s not a child,” a source told us on condition of anonymity. “He’s a self-made man. Wikipedia calls him ‘an American actor, comedian, rapper, entrepreneur, record producer, and radio and television personality”. That’s a lot of things so kudos to him… Oh, wait, I don’t want to ruin his chances as real money. Er…I was joking about his accomplishments. Nick simply cannot look after himself. He needs all the help he can get.”

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