Teen Cooks Child She Was Babysitting In Oven After Taking ‘Bad Acid’


BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

A 17-year-old teen has been arrested and charged with drug abuse and murder after she allegedly cooked a child she was babysitting in an oven. The teen claims that she didn’t do it on purpose, and that she honestly mistook the child for a turkey while she was “high on some bad acid.”

“I’m going to be honest – I was tripping balls when it happened,” said the teen, Marissa Fleming. “My boyfriend Tim and I, we just got into doing psychedelics. I’ve been tripping on mushrooms lately, and wanted to try acid. I tell you, the trip was intense and awesome, but I never even realized what I was doing when I set the over to 350.”

Fleming had been babysitting the 11-month-old toddler on the weekends since November, and the baby’s parents – who wish to remain anonymous, said that they couldn’t believe that it happened.

“Marissa is such a nice girl, and she really did love our baby,” said the mother. “[name redacted] and I, we have been together since high school, and this was our first baby after 20 years of marriage. We are definitely chilled to the bone about what happened, and extremely depressed, but at the same time, we experimented when we were her age, too, and I for one know how crazy shit gets when you’re tripping balls.”

“We don’t blame Marissa for what happened, we blame the public schools for removing the D.A.R.E. program from most areas,” said the father of the deceased child. “Marissa might have known better not to babysit on acid if she had only been able to hear it directly from the mouth of Daren The Lion. Now she has to live with this guilt for the rest of her life, and we had to get a new oven to remove the stench from the house.”

New D.A.R.E. Program To No Longer Talk About Dangers of Marijuana



Insane celebrity and National D.A.R.E. Spokesman Ted Nugent has announced the program will phase out the anti-pot segment of the DARE program. DARE will instead focus more on harder drugs, such as heroin and cocaine.

Following the marijuana acceptance trend that has spread across the country, “We’ve pretty much given up on trying at this point. It used to be that some kid would narc on their parents about smoking marijuana and we’d get excited,” said Nugent, who has been a spokesman for DARE for the last 47 years. “That’s not so special anymore. We want to crack down on heroin and meth and that shit.”

According to Nugent, the DARE program has needed an overhaul for quite some time, and he is extremely excited that weed will no longer be on the agenda.

“Besides, marijuana cures cancer. I read it on Facebook. As a gun-loving American my first biggest concerns are the war on drugs and the war on terror, but cancer’s up there too,” said Nugent.

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