Kosher Weed Coming to NY State; Yahweh Said to Be Pleased

Ad

jewishsmoke

NEW YORK CITY, New York – 

Orthodox Jews and hipster kosher foodies of New York are rejoicing after the arrival of Kosher marijuana to the city. The Orthodox Union certified the new strain, called Jew Curl, as the world’s first Kosher marijuana.

Matt Gacy, a Jewish stoner, says the pot was so good he could hear God speaking to him. Yahweh is reported to say, “I am very pleased. A fine medicine I have given my people, who followed Moses across the red sea. Of all of My laws people break, not keeping kosher particularly pissed me off.”

To check for kosher certification, look for the U symbol with a circle around it on the packaging of your marijuana. Sources say that even private, “illegal” dealers can have their marijuana blessed by  the Union to sell to their Jewish customers.

‘Steampunk’ Hipster Cuts Off Leg, Replaces It With Fake Copper One

leg

CHICAGO, Illinois – 

A self-proclaimed “Steampunk” fiend and all-around douchey hipster, Mark Andrews, says he cut off his own leg and replaced it with one made of solid brass, copper, and idiotic trinkets and clock wheels.

“See, not everyone understand what being a real steampunk is,” said Andrews, apparently enlightening the world by wearing dumb costumes. “We are the music makers, and we are the dreamers of the dreams.”

Learn more about RevenueStripe...

According to urbandictionary.com, “steampunk” is a lifestyle choice, wherein the participants embrace deliberate anachronism and quasi-anachronism as seen in steampunk fiction. Often characterized by modifying one’s electronic gadgets to make them look a century out-of-date.

“Basically, I like to take cool, new shit, and make it look old and out dated,” said Andrews. “I took it a step further, though. See, part of steampunk is also a bit of pirate, so I went with the peg-leg thing for awhile, but it wasn’t cool enough. So I said to myself, ‘Mark if you’re going to do this, don’t half-ass it.’ So I chopped off my own leg, and now I have a steampunk leg. To be honest, the ladies love it.”

 

Research Shows That Over Grown Mustaches Cause Face Tumors

beard

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

If you happen to be a person with a lengthy stash, you may want to due some trimming. Doctors have conducted a research study on the effects of growing a long or bushy mustache, and the results may come as a surprise.

According to their research, men with over grown mustaches have a better chance to develop a face tumor in their lifetime due to their facial hair. The study revealed that while facial hair is, of course, natural, letting your facial hair grow long on your upper lip  can end up clogging important pores in your face. This can lead to blood clots, ingrown hairs, and eventual face tumors.

Doctors claim that it is uncommon for hair to grow that long on ones face and are comparing it to a ingrown nail. By letting a ingrown nail continue to grow you can cause nerve damage along with other serious effects. They are stating by letting one area of your facial hair overgrow like this, the symptoms are the same but with more serious consequences.

It has also been concluded that if one was to grow out their eyebrows the same results could follow. While your facial hair doesn’t weigh that much, the pressure from long and dense hair on the face can be enough to cause serious damage.

Researchers say that they are hoping that this long mustache phase will fizzle out soon, or they say several cities throughout the country, such as Portland, Oregon, could face a face tumor epidemic.

 

 

 

Hoveround Designs Mobility Skateboard For Active Seniors

SARASOTA, Florida – Hoveround Designs Mobility Skateboard For Active Seniors

Hoveround, manufacturer of best-selling power chairs and scooters, announced today a brand new family of mobility devices aimed at the more active, sports-minded consumer.

The ‘Skate-A-Round’ product line was unveiled at the 10th Annual Mobility Product Showcase held at Sarasota’s Municipal Auditorium.

“Our customers have come to rely on the dependability, safety and convenience of our scooters and wheelchairs,” said Boyd Miller, Hoveround Mobility Specialist.  “More and more seniors are living longer and leading more active lives, and we received a few feisty letters and emails asking us for more exciting products.”

71-year-old Preston Jacobs attended the mobility showcase and eagerly volunteered to demonstrate the new Skate-A-Round.  “It’s great!” said the retired tennis instructor.  “I was what you call an all-around athlete.  I played tennis, I swam, I enjoyed skateboarding and baseball — I once pitched a no-hitter in a celebrity all-star game for charity.  I struck out Hank Aaron!  He ran over and shook my hand.  He sends me a Christmas card every year!  Extraordinary guy!”

Jacobs demonstrated the electrically powered skateboard for the convention’s visitors.  “First, you gotta snap down these 2 training wheel brackets on each side by stepping on this bar.  Then you grab onto the handle where the activity lever is.  You lean back on the seat, push the ‘up’ handle to go forward, and the ‘down’ handle to go back.  It’s like being a kid again,” he said, as he sped from one product booth to another.

Another mobility product manufactured under the Skate-A-Round brand is the ‘Hipster,’ a wraparound device powered by 4 in-line skates attached to a specially modified walker.

“The Hipster is designed for the active senior who wants to feel a bit more stable,” explained Miller.  “The belted waistband wraps and snaps around the lower body like a girdle, so there’s no fear of losing your balance, and possibly breaking a hip.  Active seniors can still enjoy the full skateboard experience without the anxiety.”

“We’re excited to offer new options for our more active customers,” said Miller.  Look at the crowd around our booth!  This looks like another top-selling line for us!”

“I’ll be right back,” said Miller, rushing off.  “I lost track of Mr. Jacobs.  The last time I saw him he was doing a tailstop in front of The ‘Little Rascal’ scooter booth.  They’re our largest competitor.  I don’t want them studying our product too closely!”

Design & Developed By Open Source Technologies.