Serial Killer Reportedly Disposed Of Over 50 Bodies Via Curbside Garbage Pick-Up

Posted on February 27, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PORTLAND, Oregon –

Kyle Brenner, 50, was arrested on Friday morning after a garbage man noticed something funny in the trash in front of Brenner’s home.

“I went to lift up the trash barrel and a finger fell to the ground,” said Mark Jones, 29. “I’ve been hauling garbage for about 3 years, and I’ve seen some crazy shit end up in the trash, but that was the first time I ever saw something human fall to the ground.”

Police were called, and in the investigation, a full body was discovered, that of a woman in her late 20s who has yet to be identified. Brenner was arrested and brought up on charges of murder and improper disposal of human remains. While in police custody, Brenner admitted that he had done the exact same thing more than 50 times, and had never been caught.

“I have been kidnapping, raping, and killing young girls for longer than I can remember,” Brenner said during his police interview. “I have always disposed of them in the same way – putting them in black, Glad trash bags, and putting them on the curb for the garbage man. These women, they’re trash, so I’m just getting rid of them in the most obvious way possible.”

Brenner admits that he chose his victims based solely on size, and that the “smaller the better.”

“When it comes to my sexual preference, I don’t like children, I don’t like boys, and I don’t like animals, but anything else is fair game. When it comes to my preference in killing, I like tiny women,” said Brenner. “They can’t put up as much of a fight, and they fit better in the garbage cans. It’s just common sense, really.”

Brenner is currently being charged on 53 counts of kidnapping, sexual assault, and murder. If convicted, Brenner faces the death penalty.

Oregon Militia Sent Another Human Penis

Posted on January 28, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PORTLAND, Oregon –

The Oregon Militia has been making a decent profit selling the dildos that have been donated to them lately, encouraging people to keep donating whatever they’d like. “Send us your bag of dicks!” read a recent post made on their social media page. They had hoped to get supplies to re-sell, but what they did not expect to receive was actual human remains.

Leaders of the Bundy family have come out on Youtube saying that the plethora of sex toys people were sending would not deter them from their mission of helping families. “We’re not going to let all your hatemail sidetrack us. We’re going to continue to do good for our families and this country.”

Since their video aired, they have received two packages which contained actual human genitals. Although they have taken over a federal building, the post office continues to deliver their mail.

“It’s very creepy for us to get actual human remains in the mail, but it’s more annoying than anything,” said Carl Bundy. “We want to be able to sell the items donated to us, and it’s illegal to sell human body parts. It’s a shame someone would throw away perfectly good penises like this.”

Research Shows That Over Grown Mustaches Cause Face Tumors

Posted on July 5, 2015 by JP

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

If you happen to be a person with a lengthy stash, you may want to due some trimming. Doctors have conducted a research study on the effects of growing a long or bushy mustache, and the results may come as a surprise.

According to their research, men with over grown mustaches have a better chance to develop a face tumor in their lifetime due to their facial hair. The study revealed that while facial hair is, of course, natural, letting your facial hair grow long on your upper lip can end up clogging important pores in your face. This can lead to blood clots, ingrown hairs, and eventual face tumors.

Doctors claim that it is uncommon for hair to grow that long on ones face and are comparing it to a ingrown nail. By letting a ingrown nail continue to grow you can cause nerve damage along with other serious effects. They are stating by letting one area of your facial hair overgrow like this, the symptoms are the same but with more serious consequences.

It has also been concluded that if one was to grow out their eyebrows the same results could follow. While your facial hair doesn’t weigh that much, the pressure from long and dense hair on the face can be enough to cause serious damage.

Researchers say that they are hoping that this long mustache phase will fizzle out soon, or they say several cities throughout the country, such as Portland, Oregon, could face a face tumor epidemic.