Entire Company Faces Sexual Assault Charges After Employee Tries To Kiss Woman Under Mistletoe

AURORA, Colorado – Entire Company Faces Sexual Assault Charges After Employee Tries To Kiss Woman Under Mistletoe

Garry Thompson, 27, is facing sexual assault charges after a company Christmas party went quickly downhill.

According to police reports, Thomson, who
had ‘a few drinks’ while celebrating with co-workers from Harrison Construction and Lumber, was encouraged to kiss a female co-worker who had been standing underneath a mistletoe. When Thompson went up to her, he leaned in to give her a peck on the cheek, and was immediately punched in the face and pepper sprayed.

His co-workers, and even boss and owner, Joel Harrison, who all laughed at the incident as it happened, assumed that it would be he end of the ordeal. But now, Thompson, Harrison, and every other male co-worker is facing serious charges, with Thompson himself facing possible rape charges.

“I don’t celebrate Christmas, and have never heard of the tradition of the misletoe, but either way there is no excuse for this type of behavior,” said Marissa Jones, the woman bringing suit against her now-former employer. “[Thompson] came up to me, and he was definitely drunk. I could see it in his eyes that he was totally trying to have sex with me. Before he could put his gross lips on my beautiful, womanly cheek, I punched him in the face, and then pepper sprayed him until he couldn’t stand up. I find it disgusting that men think they can kiss whomever they want during this time of year just because a person happens to be standing under a plant.”

Thompson claimed that the issue is being blown out of portion, and feels he did nothing wrong at all, as it was meant to be a simple gesture of caring and admiration, and that people have been doing it for eons.

“Obviously, I made a mistake in trying to kiss such a femi-nazi bitch,” said Thompson from his jail cell in Aurora. “Can you believe that now she’s trying to say I was a rapist? Plus, she’s suing the company for allowing this ‘sexual harassment’ to happen during a business function, and she’s trying to say that any man who laughed when it happened is an accomplice to rape! RAPE?! There were women laughing, too – I don’t see any of them getting labeled as rapists and hit with huge lawsuits. I swear, that is the last time I try to kiss anyone, ever.”

In light of the situation, Harrison has said that he will give Thompson the holiday off, “with pay,” to try to retain a lawyer.



NBA, WNBA Begin Negotiations To Combine Into One League

NEW YORK CITY, New York – NBA, WNBA Begin Negotiations To Combine Into One League

A huge announcement was made this morning by Adam Silver, president of the National Basketball Association, and it means things as we know it in the world of sports will definitely be changing. According to Silver, as soon as next year, the NBA and WNBA will be merged into one league, tentatively called the CENBA, or the Co-Ed National Basketball Association.

The combined league idea came about after decades of the WNBA pulling in terrible viewership numbers, and investors in the league say they thought it was time to move away from the all-female basketball teams, and see if the professional ladies could take on the professional men.

As it turns out, the ladies certainly can hold their own. In several private scrimmage matches held during off-days, a few female pros made some NBA stars look like rookies.

“My team is struggling badly, as are all WNBA teams, and this can be a huge change for teams all over the league,” said Tom O’Neil, owner of the WNBA team the Houston Hairylegs. “So many NBA teams have tons of overpaid all-stars on their team, because the NBA has all the money. I see a lot of talent in these WNBA players, and combining leagues, the women can finally make the money they deserve, which is about 60 cents on every dollar that the men make.”

“I formed a committee of owners, and told them the pros of this merger. Several months ago, we came to this decision, and have been waiting for the perfect time to announce it,” said Doug Reemer, owner of WNBA team the Pittsburgh Pussies. “And finally, after a few months, we made the deal with the NBA. With so many new players coming in, a lot of people will be cut, but I’m telling you – these ladies have a lot of balls going up against the men of the NBA. I really, really envy their balls.”

The CENBA is set to be launched by the 2015 basketball season, and insider reports already are talking numbers and money. Most sports professionals say that a merger could bring in almost double the revenue that the NBA brought in during the 2014 season. That would be equivalent to approximately 36 times the revenue brought in by the WNBA over the last 5 seasons.


Fortune 500 Company Executive Speaks Out Against Sexism in the Workplace

LOS ANGELES, California – fortune 500 exectuive speaks out against sexism in workplace

A Senior Vice-President at a prominent Fortune 500 Los Angeles firm wrote in an email to the L.A. Times that he is “fed up” with sexism in the workplace. The executive, who asked that his company not be named, and signed the email simply as “Howard,” has some extreme examples for what he feels would be a positive step to eliminating sexism in the workplace.

“It’s gotten downright out of control,” Howard writes in his letter to the Times. “Whenever I express myself in an aggressive way, I’m perceived as an ass—-. But when a woman is aggressive, people say she’s just ‘assertive.’”

“What’s worse,” he continues, “is the ‘glass ceiling’ debacle. As a direct result of Janine over in Corporate Finance beating me out of my promotion to CEO, I can’t afford to install the skylight I’ve always wanted on the fourth floor of my Summer estate. It’s so depressing I can’t bring myself to vacation there. Just this once, I wanted a damn glass ceiling.”

Apparently it isn’t just Howard suffering a financial strain as a result of corporate sexism—it’s also his company. He claims that, “It’s one thing for women to take our jobs, but equal pay too? The amount we are paying our female staff has led to budget cuts resulting in my flying business class instead of first class on business trips, and I’m forced to stay in dismal 4-star accommodations that don’t even have a minibar.”

Howard also points out the undue consideration given his female colleagues when it comes to the use of office space, citing as an example the recent conversion of the office billiards room to a breast-feeding room: “Why can’t we just buy a porta-potty for that? Isn’t how they do it at football games?”

He continues, arguing that sexism is forcing men to settle for traditionally “male” roles such as a blacksmith or a shoeshine boy.

The contents of Howard’s email, however, didn’t contain mere complaints—He also proposed a solution to what he deems this “silent epidemic.”

“Simply put,” he states, “all of these issues can be stopped in their tracks and prevented by placing a ban on ‘Bring Your Daughter to Work Day’ in corporate workplaces. If they don’t know about work, they can’t eventually get into the workplace. Easy-peasy.”

Howard says that he plans to start a Facebook page dedicated to the movement he refers to as MESI (Men for the End of Sexual Injustice).

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