New Public Poll Shows People Hate Public Polls

Posted on September 15, 2014 by DvanL

PITTSBURGH, PA –

The National Public Research Center published the results of a recent poll pertaining to people’s perception of public polls. The upshot: 84 percent of the public hates public polls.

Chief Pollmistress Ann P. Davis provided details.

“When we poll the population on the popularity of public polls, we purposely employ precisely one pair of pollsters,” she explained. “100 people are phone polled,” explained Davis. “We ask if they’d like to participate. If the answer is ‘YES,’ the response is placed in the ‘YES’ pile. If the answer is ‘NO,’ it’s placed in the ‘NO’ pile. If you get sworn at, hung up on, or threatened, that’s an automatic ‘NO’ so the results usually are procured in no time flat!”

The findings were published in the polltaker periodical Popular Pollster, the primary publication for polling professionals.

Before you say to yourself ‘I’d rather poke out my eye than do phone polling,’ – listen to how Davis makes the task fun and challenging for her staff.

“We have a little competition every month. If you get 50 out of 50 “NOs,” then you win round 1. As a bonus, if your score comes from only hangups with no verbal interaction or threats, then we induct you into our Pollster Palace of Pride and we treat you lunch!”

The perky pollster does, however, miss what she calls the ‘good poll days.’ “That’s a play on words,” she explained. “By the way, 49 percent of people hate when other people use a play on words around them.”

“Years ago,” she proceeded, “pollsters physically participated with the public – pen, pencil, pad; but with people’s faster pace, pedestrians no longer pause long enough to provide answers.”

According to Davis, person-to-person polling did have a downside, though.

“We used to get punched a lot,” she said. “Literally, people would take a poke at a polltaker, no matter how polite we purported to be,” said Davis, pointing to a pill-shaped scar above her left eyebrow. “I got this from an elderly gentleman who thought I said ‘poll tax.’ I ate pavement that day, but, it’s all a part of the pollster game. 24 percent of people polled have been victims of public assaults.”

“But I wouldn’t trade it for the world,” she added, glancing around the office. “Every day’s a party!”

“I DID IT!,” shouted senior poll taker Steve McNamara! I got a 50! BOOYAH! FREE LUNCH! WOO HOO!” he exclaimed.

“Looks like Steve wins again!” said Davis. “He’s won 57 per cent of our contests!”

An exclusive interview with Ann P. Davis will appear in the October issue of Popular Pollster.

‘Key To The City’ Opens Bank Safe; Town Funds Go Missing

Posted on September 4, 2014 by DvanL

BRENTSVILLE, Tennessee –

“He seemed like a great guy,” said Mayor Sam Cannon, formerly of Brentsville, Tennessee. “Mayor Sam,” as everyone in town calls him, didn’t move away from Brentsville; Brentsville moved away from him.

It all began last spring, when “Uncle Joe, Motivational Surgeon” came to town.

“I never heard of that before,” said Carol Cannon, First Lady of what was once Brentsville. “He said he cured bad moods with laughter and joy medicine. That was his ‘surgery.’ Everyone liked him – children, the shut-ins, even our town sourpuss managed to smile when Uncle Joe came around.”

Joe Castle, the self-described “Motivational Surgeon” was just what the town of Brentsville needed. In 2008, the town’s candle factory went out of business after the price of wax tripled. When the factory shut down, it seemed as though the soul of the town shut down with it. One month later, “Uncle Joe” showed up with a suitcase and a twinkle in his eye.

“He did birthday parties for free, he sang songs at the retirement home, he even donated the most blood at our Founder’s Day blood drive,” said Mayor Sam. “I thought he was gonna pass out.”

“He never missed a trick,” added Carol. He remembered everything — always asking how people were doing in your family — we felt we had to do something for him. That’s when I got the idea to give him the key to the city. I just took this old key I found, and spray painted it gold and put some sparkles on it. I’m into arts and crafts. This whole thing is all my fault,” she sighed.

“Uncle Joe” never missed a trick indeed. He noticed the name stamped on the back of the key – “Brentsville Safe Co.” – the very same safe company that manufactured the bank’s main vault on Main Street.

“We had a big celebration at Brentsville Park. We haven’t had a parade like that in this town since the President came to town. President Roosevelt, I mean,” said the Mayor. “The next morning we got up and everything was gone. He wiped us out. That bastard played us like a fiddle!” he said.

“Language, Sam!” admonished Carol.

“I don’t care, that’s what he was, a two-faced, snake oil selling bastard! He took everything we had, including the town charter and incorporation papers! Bastard, bastard, bastard!”

After regaining his composure, Mayor Cannon said Uncle Joe was probably an old-school ‘flim-flam’ man who found out the candle factory had gone out of business, then decided to take advantage of the good nature of a vulnerable town.

“Just can’t trust people anymore,” said Cannon. “Now we have to merge with Barkley Heights, across the river. Bad enough they beat us in wrestling every year. If that candle factory hadn’t gone out of business, we’d be ok. I blame the wax lobby fat cats up in Washington.”

“Oh, Sam,” said Carol. “There’s no such thing. C’mon inside and have a cup of tea. After all, it’s not the end of the world.”

Sam followed Carol inside the house. “Bastard!” he exclaimed, as he slammed the screen door behind him.

Librarian Hospitalized After ‘Book Burning’ Incident Destroys Library

Posted on August 12, 2014 by DvanL

ZANESVILLE, Ohio –

Norma Garrison has been in charge of The Muskingum County Public Library in Zanesville, Ohio since 1974. “Education and culture are the most important gifts we can give our young people — within limits,” said Garrison from her hospital bed. The 62-year-old librarian is recovering from severe 3^rd degree burns suffered as the result of a fire authorities say she herself set in the library, trying to burn books she found unsuitable for public viewing.

“I’ve done this for years and nobody ever noticed ‘til now,” explained Garrison. “Used to be just a few I had to get rid of back when, but now with that Kenyan in office, telling us what to do and the way he’s turned the country radical — I can’t keep up.”

When asked who she was specifically referring to by “that Kenyan,” Garrison replied, “Don’t get cute. You know exactly who I’m talking about and I’m not afraid to say it — the President. And did you see where now his wife is forcing us to feed our children what she feeds her own? I don’t have children, but who does she think she is? Maybe it’s just fine for her kids to read that filth Fifty Shades of Grey, but it’s not okay for regular American kids who grow up around here. Someone has to speak for them.”

Fire Chief Robert Sutherland commented, “The entire back end of the building is gone. The alarms were disconnected so that explains why there was so much damage. We’re lucky no one was killed. The nursing home is right next door. I don’t know what Miss Garrison was thinking.”

Reaction from town residents is mixed. “There were rumors that Norma did this type of thing,” said local florist Sarah Donaldson. “We just joked about it ‘cause Norma is just so quiet and reserved.”

Resident Paul Fowler remarked, “Sometimes you would go in and look for a certain book and it wouldn’t be there. Norma would say she never heard of it, or that it was checked out and never brought back, or it got lost. Mind you, I’m not defending what she did, but I understand. She got real withdrawn after McCain lost. She changed. You could see it in her. She really liked that Sarah Palin and always had plenty of her books on display.”

“When I go back to work I guess I’ll have a lot of cleaning up to do,” remarked Garrison, seemingly unaware of the severity and consequences of her actions.

Garrison was charged with malicious damage to public property, and was removed from her position last week. She will be taken into custody after her release from Zanesville’s Genesis-Bethesda Hospital within the next few days.

Insurance investigators estimate damage to the library structure to be in the tens of thousands of dollars, not including the value of over 1,800 volumes of literature destroyed in the fire.

Sarah Palin, Michele Bachmann To Support Each Other For Republican Nomination in 2016

Posted on August 3, 2014 by johnzakour

ST. PAUL, Minnesota –

In a surprise combined press conference Michele Bachmann (Rep. Minnesota) and Sarah Palin (ex-governor, ex-reality show star, ex-fox news correspondent, current star of the SarahPalin network) announced that they would be supporting each other for the republican presidential nomination in 2016.

“With 2016 being only two or maybe three years away, it’s time to announce our candidacy,” Bachmann announced to the crowd of nearly 50 eager supporters.

“We need to put the United States back on the path of rightness,” Palin said. “We need to stop this influx of immigrants. Everybody knows our great country wasn’t built on immigration!”

When questioned on how they could both support each other when in the end there can be only one nominee for president, the two ladies surprisingly had an answer.

“Whichever one of us gets the nomination for president will choose the other one for their running mate,” Bachmann said.

“Yes,” Palin agreed. “This way our country gets not only its first female president, but also our first female vice president. It’s like killing two moose with one shot.” Palin also noted that she has experience as a losing VP candidate, which she will be sure to pass on to Michele.

The two women both agreed that either of them would be a far superior president than Democratic front-runner Hillary Clinton.

“How does being Secretary of State even remotely make you qualified to be leader of this great country?” Palin asked. “My SarahPalin network, which costs a very reasonable $9.95 a month, has greatly prepared me to be President. After all, the president needs to know about the Internet and stuff and I know stuff,” Palin noted.

Bachmann practically snickered at the thought of an ex-Secretary of State becoming president, commenting that she didn’t even know that secretaries did anything other than take dictation.

“Secretaries are SO out of date. You would think she would at least be Administrative Assistant of state. What did she do? Bring coffee to the males of state?” Bachmann smiled proudly when she added, “I have my husband to bring me coffee.”

Bill Clinton Hits Talk Show Circuit to Promote New Book of White House Themed Erotica

Posted on July 2, 2014 by Dan King

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Former President Bill Clinton hit the talk show circuit this week to promote his new book, a collection of White House themed erotica. Clinton’s book tour actually parallels wife Hilary’s, as she continues promoting her own book, Hard Choices, a grounded, autobiographical look at her time as Secretary of State from 2009 to 2013.

The former president took to the airways to promote his book, simply titled Hard, which follows the exploits of a main character named “President Stiff Poundstone,” who takes part in an increasingly bizarre series of sexual encounters in-between presidential events.

Former President Clinton has remained cagey on the question of whether President Poundstone is entirely fictional, though he has hinted that parts of the story are based on his own time in the White House. In an interview with Robin Roberts on “Good Morning America,” Clinton explained that “In chapter 6, where President Poundstone makes sweet love to the sexy brunette head of the Federal Reserve in exchange for taking $360 billion off of the federal debt? Well, that’s partly true, I really did reduce the federal debt by that much.”

Indeed, some have speculated that former President Clinton wants Hard to, in part, be his way of rewriting the history of his Presidency. Those who subscribe to this belief point to the books tenth chapter, where the media accuse President Poundstone of having sex with an intern. In Mr. Clinton’s presidency, such an accusation lead to an eventual impeachment trial. In Clinton’s new book, however, President Poundstone simply admits to the affair and, to quote the text, “… Everyone agreed that it was an awesome thing to do, and all the media high-fived the President as they shotgunned Pabst Blue Ribbon beer together.”

Hard’s extremely adult subject matter and coarse language meant that Clinton was precluded from reading any large sections of it during his appearances. Instead, the former President was forced to merely summarize parts of the book, hoping to entice readers with his descriptions.

On “CBS Sunday Morning,” Clinton told Charles Osgood that “In chapter three, President Poundstone has to entertain the hot blonde twin Polish ambassadors in order to prevent ruining a state dinner. Things get really steamy when a lobster escapes from a pot of boiling water and joins the fun. It’s one of my favorite chapters- hell I’m getting a chubby just thinking about it.”

Most of Mr. Clinton’s public appearances promoting the book have been solo, but he was accompanied by Hilary during a segment on Morning Joe with Joe Scarborough. During the interview, Mr. Clinton was engaged and egarly answered all of Scarborough’s questions, while Hilary kept her head buried in her hands, only occasionally looking up to stare angrily at her husband and ask “Why can’t I just have my own thing just this one time?”