Recent Study Suggests Over 85% Of Social Media Users Can’t Correctly Solve Simple Math Equation

PITTSBURGH, Pennsylvania – Recent Study Suggests Over 85 Of Social Media Users Can't Correctly Solve Simple Math Equation

In an experiment conducted by the Department of Mathematics at the University of Pittsburgh, after releasing a simple math equation via social media, research suggests that eighty-five percent of users cannot correctly answer the mathematical equation, (2 x 2 + 2 – 2 x 2 – 2), without using a calculator, internet search engine, or asking a friend.

Professor of Mathematics at the University of Pittsburgh, Dr. Geraldine Williamson, led the mathematical social experiment, and says she was shocked that the general consensus of Americans could not answer the simple math problem.

“It is quite alarming, I must say. More than fifty-percent of people could not answer it correctly whether they used a calculator or not,” Williamson said in a published interview with education journalist Paul Frazier in the Pittsburgh Gazette. “It only says one thing about schools in the United States – they are not getting the job done. If there is really that many mathematically challenged people running around, then our economy is doomed to failure.”

Even more alarming, and to the ultimate dismay of Williamson, as the research on the social reaction of the math equation began, several of her students began to argue over their conflicting answers. “I was appalled,” Williamson said. “Out of seventy-five students, more than twenty of them came up with the wrong answer and proceeded to argue that they were correct. It was terrifying! I feared I would have an aneurysm.”

The correct answer, while obvious to some, was not given by Dr. Williamson, as she said she feared simply ‘providing the answer’ would create more ignorance and stupidity among the already ‘math dull.’

“I encourage people to simply work it out for themselves,” said Williamson. “My god, it’s just math, it’s not rocket science.”

Think you know the answer? Let us know in the comments below!

The Secret To How ISIS Is Gaining Support And Funds From Around The Globe

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The Secret To How ISIS Is Gaining Support And Funds From Around The Globe

Lead investigators from the Department of Defense have finally straightened out how exactly terrorist group ISIS is getting most of their money.

“It’s amazing to me, that this day and age, this idea didn’t occur to us before scraping the bottom of the barrel,” said DOD Defense Secretary Robert Gates. “As it turns out, this militant group are using self-made crowd funding websites to create and distribute their propaganda, and raise funds to continue their reign of terror. They seek support via the internet from regions they know will listen and back their ideals, and then provide links to their internet pages to those areas. They have secretly amassed billions of dollars for weapons, research and development – and lately most has been  related to destroying the ‘American Pigs’, who they say should ‘never have gotten involved in their business.'”

With the Pentagon learning of the ISIS crowd funding sources, the Department of Defense has been in a panic.  “They are doing crazy things on these sites,” Says Gates. “Just like Kickstarter and most other crowd funding sites, ISIS is offering perks for donations of different levels. The perks start small; ISIS t-shirts and ‘I SUPPORT ISIS’ bumper stickers, but the bigger the donation, the more horrific the perk, including specified bombings and attacks if you donate $250,000 or more. Their end goal is to get enough money to purchase rockets capable of oceanic flight. We are currently looking into which country they may purchase from once they reach their goal.”

After acquiring all of this information, the DOD has now launched a task force whose sole purpose is finding these crowd funding sites and taking them down permanently.  “While it doesn’t erase the problem, it definitely puts a damper on their plans,” Says Gates. “We’re actually reaching out to members of Anonymous to help us, which is something I never thought I’d have to say out loud. At this point in time, though, better to help fight a foreign enemy with, essentially, a domestic enemy, than to not fight at all. I just hope we can eradicate the problem before they discover what kinds of support they could gain by creating a Facebook group.”

Dr. Oz Research Shows Surrounding Yourself With Obese Friends Makes You Appear Thinner

NEW YORK CITY, New York – Study By Dr. Oz Suggests Surrounding Yourself With Obese Friends Makes You Appear Thinner

Television star Dr. Mehmet Oz, who also directs the Cardiovascular Institute and Complementary Medicine Program at New York-Presbyterian Hospital located in New York City, announced that extensive medical research on how one can make themselves appear thinner has concluded, and the results are groundbreaking. Their discovery was that hanging out with people who are more overweight than you will actually make you appear thinner. 

“It is a joy to reach this conclusion, which will most certainly improve the quality of life and socialization of those who build a new group of friends who are fatter than they are. Being the ‘thin’ guy, or gal, in the crowd will make you the ever-so-popular life of the party. Many Americans are completely satisfied with their large figures and that is perfectly okay because they make the best friends!” Dr. Oz enthusiastically expressed during a daily taping of his popular television daytime life and health talk show, Dr. Oz, on Friday.

The month-long study included sixty single, overweight volunteers, many considered obese,  split into six groups. The person with the lowest body fat percentage was then declared the priority test subject. Each group proceeded to go out and participate in random social events during the day and hit the bars at night. All six priority test subjects reported their sex lives had improved dramatically, and felt an overwhelming improvement in self-esteem while socializing with the nine chunkier friends.

“It is a win/win situation,” Oz said. “Obese people get to make lots of friends, while the average beer-bellied bachelor draws all the attention, vastly improving social skills for all involved. There is always one person who stands out in the crowd, you can still be overweight, just make sure your friends are more overweight. Frequent places that attract a lot of overweight people such as buffets and bingo halls, those places are packed to the gills with satisfied, big, loving, wonderful human beings. Use Facebook or Twitter to stay in touch with your skinny friends, just don’t go out with them anymore.”

Some members of the audience left in disgust, saying Dr. Oz is spreading exploitation of overweight people, such as Mary Parker from Dayton, Ohio. “I can’t believe Dr. Oz is telling everybody to hang out with people fatter than them, I am usually the big girl, where am I supposed to search for friends? I’m usually the one at the buffet with a stack of five or six plates,” Parker said.

Others left with a completely different point of view, such as Josh Sweeney from Fairdale, Kentucky. “I’ll tell ya what, if they don’t like it, this is what they need to do, lose some f**king weight. It’s their choice ya know?” Sweeney blatantly stated. “I have lots of fat friends, that’s why I have such a pretty girlfriend. Keep your fat friends close!” Sweeney added.

It seems that the late, great Rodney Dangerfield was a genius after all. Dangerfield once said, “I found that there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people!” His words at the time, though had been interpreted as some joke, fetching no legitimate respect.





 New York-Presbyterian Hospital.[14] His research interests include heart replace

Facebook Announces New Design Changes, Massive Overhaul Coming In October

MENLO PARK, California – facebook announces major overhaul for release in october

Facebook users around the world have requested an updated look and more display options for quite some time. Well today, over a billion people were told the news so many have been waiting patiently for – the changes are coming this October. So get prepared to get creative and express yourself, because you will be have plenty of options to do so with the new bells and whistles awaiting  those eager fingertips worldwide.

Chairman and CEO of Facebook, Mark Zuckerberg, excitedly announced earlier today that big changes are in store for Facebook, the social networking giant currently used by 1.28 billion members worldwide.

“Effective October 1, 2014, Facebook users will experience a brand new appearance along with new formats and displays which will allow users to choose by various themes, colors, layouts, and fonts,” said Zuckerberg. “These are features that are users have been requesting for years. Everyone will have the unique ability to arrange their profile pages in a custom setting, one of which is the original layout that included the “wall” concept, which many members insisted was easier to navigate and maintain. You can organize your friends and post them on your pages. You can We want you to have the unrestricted freedom to choose what works best for you and your individual electronic devices.”

Long time users of the site may remember the controversy surrounding the gradual change-over from Facebook Wall design to the current “Timeline” layout. Thousands of complaints flooded Facebook headquarters surrounding the change-up, some account users insisted they simply liked the old way better.

“Music and photography lovers will have the ability to embed photos or their favorite music videos freely upon their profile page,” said Rob Landry, head of design for Facebook. “For the creative, artistic, and photogenic users, in-screen photo editing will be readily available with a vast-array of eccentric and classic special effects, frames, filters, and the essential tools for adjusting and modifying photographs in a timely and efficient, fool-proof manner.”

“We are very excited to offer these options, these changes have been a long time coming and we just wanted to get it right so that the network performs just as smoothly and efficiently as always,” said an upbeat Zuckerberg. “We will be finalizing the new logo as the final step of this incredible and extreme makeover, which will be done in about two weeks.  At Facebook we believe in innovation, the freedom of expression, and the most certain individuality of each of our unique  Facebook friends, so it only makes sense for us to change things and allow the options to best fit individual needs. With that being said, we can assure, without a doubt  that change is good and we believe 1.28 billion users will ultimately, enthusiastically agree on the first day of October. ”




Google Looks To Buy MySpace, Livejournal, Plans To Combine Them With Google+

MOUNTAIN VIEW, California – empire-news-google-plans-to-purchase-myspace-livejournal-to-create-monopoly-on-unnused-social-media

Google announced this morning their intentions to buy the brands and websites of MySpace and Livejournal, as well as several other smaller, mostly defunct social media sites, to add to their Google+ environment. Google says that they are buying up all these “ghost town” websites to create what they consider a monopoly on social media that no one cares about.

“When we launched Google+ a few years back, we had plans on it becoming bigger than any social media site ever.” Said Larry Page, CEO of Google, INC. “What we failed to realize is that even though we have the biggest website in the world, with more traffic than anyone else, we just aren’t cool enough to get people to want to switch over from Facebook.”

Although many people jumped immediately onto the Google+ bandwagon, the company found there was little they could do to steer people away from mega-giant social media website Facebook. In fact, so few people actually used their Google+ accounts, that Google decided to force people into using it by combining YouTube with their G+ services, something that didn’t sit well with most YouTube users.

“No one uses Google+, and no one wants to use Google+.” Said YouTube commenter ‘BuzzsGirlfriendWoof.’ “Why do I want to have to leave Facebook and go to another site, just to add everyone all over again over there? What a pain in the [expletive].

“We probably came to the game way, way too late.” Agreed Page. “So we’re trying something new, again, and this strategy is a surefire way to get people away from ‘big blue,’ as we call them. All these old websites that no one visits anymore – we’re going to make them hip and cool again.”

Page went on to explain that their plan is to purchase MySpace, LiveJournal, Friendster, DeviantArt, and AOL Instant Messenger, and combine them all into one giant, multi-purpose free-for-all of a social media website called ClusterFudge, with plans to have it be featured when you visit any of the old URLs, or the existing Google+ page.

“ClusterFudge is going to be incredible, seriously.” Said Page during a recent press conference. “You will have our already sleek Google+ website interface, but we will be adding in the features of all the other websites, including blogging and writing notes like LiveJournal, and adding your artwork and photos like DeviantArt. We also are super excited to be able to introduce a great chat feature with the purchase of AOL Instant Messenger from”

When it was pointed out to him during the conference that Facebook already does all of those things, Page brushed off the comment, saying that “they weren’t interested in the dealings of a competitor.”

“We just want to shake up your old memories with this website. You’ll have a top 8 again! Don’t you remember how cool that was? We’re even getting Tom to be your first friend just like old times!” Said Page.

The new website is currently being built by Google teams, in conjunction with several designers and engineers behind the other websites they’re looking to purchase. So far, no deals have been signed, but the purchase of these old, mostly dead and completely non-trafficed sites is said to be somewhere in the nature of only about $50,000.


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