Burger King To Offer Late-Night ‘Stoner’ Menu For Marijuana Smoking Patrons

Posted on November 17, 2014 by Abe Abrams

BRUNSWICK, New Jersey –

Failing fast food giant Burger King announced today a new late-night menu targeted directly at stoners and drunks. Burger King’s decision is, of course, purely profit driven, which come as no surprise. The company’s honesty on the subject is what has industry insiders scratching their heads.

“We decided not to beat around the bush – if you’re out buying fast food after 1 am, you’re either drunk or stoned. With that in mind, we are unveiling our new late-night menu that we are simply dubbing the ‘Stoned Selection,'” said Bill Baron, Burger King CEO. ”Let’s face it – we are not the first to do this, we’re just the first to be open about why we’re doing it. Taco Bell’s entire menu is aimed at pot smokers, and Papa John’s new Sriracha hot sauce and Fritos Pizza screams ‘I’ve got the weed munchies.'”

“We have partnered with other companies in an effort to give the pot-heads all the best foods for eating while high,” said director of marketing Greg Hause. “The menu will only have two choices to keep it simple, because research shows anything more than 2 will bring the average 17-year-old who is high as a kite to a decision-making standstill. The two menu items will be either Hot Pockets and Bugles, or Bagel Bites and Ho-Hos. The only drink option is going to be a large Mountain Dew, naturally. In the test markets of Colorado and New York, our ‘Stoned Selection’ menu has been a huge success, and we plan to go nationwide by the end of the year.”

“It’s the best,” said Matt Martino, a 16-year-old weed smoker in Denver. ”I don’t remember what I had, but I remember it being really good. Me and my friend were going to go to Taco Bell, but that menu is too confusing man. Last time we went there we stared at the menu so long, the place closed before we got our order in. It was kind of epic.”

Colorado Residents Vote To Legalize Prostitution Throughout The State

Posted on November 5, 2014 by Abe Abrams

BOULDER, Colorado –

The people of Colorado overwhelmingly passed amendment P-69, better known as the ‘Freedom To Work Act’, yesterday afternoon in state voting. The little known amendment had not seen much press, and the politicians that sponsored the amendment have no idea how it got on the ballot.

“Potter and I wrote the amendment at a bachelor party as a joke, we were both pretty drunk and at the time and it was getting annoying proving to the girls we weren’t cops,” said Rep. Brian Brown. “Apparently, though, the people have spoken – or in this case voted, and amendment P-69 has legalized prostitution in the great state of Colorado. The only two possibilities are the name of the amendment was deceiving and people had no idea what they were voting for, or 87% of Coloradan’s are in favor or prostitution. This is why I urged people not to vote stoned.”

It’s going to nice not having to worry about getting arrested anymore. One of my friends is getting t-shirts made that say, ‘I’m a Prostitute – ask for prices!'” said working girl Havana Humphrey. “Me, I’m going to set up a business in my house, it will be just like a doctor’s office with a waiting room and magazines, except instead of anal probes and cancer screenings, we’ll give blowjobs. Actually, on second thought, we’ll give anal probes, too. That costs extra though.”

“I had no idea, amendment P-69 sounded good, I mean ‘freedom,’ ‘work,’ – those are good things, right?” asked Wilma Wilson, an 89-year-old retired nurse.”I had no idea it was about prostitution, this state is going to hell in a hand basket, I tell ya. First the marijuana and now this – what’s next, public nudity? I’m packing up and moving to Florida where people still have some good sense.”

Obama Enjoys D.C. Marijuana Legalization, Smokes Celebratory Blunt

Posted on November 5, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Voters in many states were able to cast their ballot on the topic of marijuana legalization yesterday, and in two of those elections, the people have spoken. Voters in Oregon and Washington D.C. have elected to allow marijuana use and possession among their citizens.

In Washington D.C., president Barack Obama, who freely admitted to smoking weed in the past, celebrated the news with a tightly rolled blunt and a few words for the people of the United States.

“As the President of the United States, there wouldn’t have been a lot of questioning if I wanted to sit in the Oval Office and rip a mad bong hit,” said Obama. “I didn’t, though, out of respect for the laws of the District, and of those states that had yet to pass laws to deregulate or legalize marijuana. Now that the voters in D.C. have spoken, though, I see no reason not to smoke a joint and relax with some Netflix and Fritos chips.”

Although the voters have spoken, the repealing of the laws actually wouldn’t take effect until signed by state congressional leaders. Residents of several states, including Florida, voted to keep or increase their marijuana laws.

“I don’t understand Florida, if I’m being honest,” said weed-smoking Miami resident John Peele. “I’ve been smoking illegally here for the last 30 years, and the vote for legalization for medical use can’t even been voted in? My God, Florida is 90% old people! They need weed for their cancer, cataracts, and confusion! They need it more than almost any other state in the country!”

“I don’t see marijuana being illegal that much longer,” said Aaron Silver, a D.C. resident who works in the White House. “It’s here in D.C., the backyard of the government, as it were. How long can we really keep throwing people in jail for growing a plant, anyway? Obama doesn’t have much time left in office, but here’s hoping that the ‘Change’ he kept talking about while running is about loosening marijuana laws.”