Man Has Glass Bong Slide Removed from Urethra

Posted on May 11, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DENVER, Colorado –

Don’t let your half-baked idea land you in the hospital. Mica Dorsey required emergency surgery to remove glass that had broken off in his urethra.

The man admitted to it was not the first time he engaged in “urethral play,” which is a fetish involving insertion of hard or soft objects into the urethra during masturbation. Dorsey’s object of choice was a glass bong slide.

After applying pressure to his shaft he felt a sharp pain followed by blood. Upon removing the glass tube he realized the end had shattered, and amazingly was able to drive himself to the hospital.

Although most people would be too ashamed to admit this publically, Dorsey talks openly about his experience. “People do a lot of shit behind closed doors, and I just want anyone thinking about doing this to know the dangers. I don’t want to see this happening to anyone else, and no I wasn’t even stoned, actually.”

Study Proves That Oxygen Is World’s Worst Gateway Drug

Posted on May 10, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

A new study by Harvard medical students has proven unequivocally that oxygen – the air that all mammals breathe in to sustain life – is the most intense ‘gateway drug’ that there is.

“For years, people have been touting marijuana as a gateway drug to trying other, harder, more fun and exciting drugs,” said Harvard researcher James Franz. “Our study shows, though, that there are many, many people who will try marijuana in their lives, and never go on to try any other drugs. On the other hand, though, there is not a single person who has tried marijuana that has not tried breathing oxygen first, making it the most powerful gateway drug we’ve ever seen.”

Researchers agree that although on some occasions marijuana users may go on to try more drugs and seek new experiences, most of them will never bother.

“I’ve been smoking weed since I was 16,” said researcher Kevin Heart. “I’ve never even had the slightest interest in trying anything else. I smoke every single day, and it’s amazing – why continue on? But, that said, I did try oxygen first, so that really was my gateway. Oxygen is a real fickle bitch, if you know what I mean.”

The Harvard researchers say that they are also looking into the correlation between people who drank water growing up who later became alcoholics.

Colorado Teens Injecting Marijuana To Get High

Posted on March 28, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BOULDER, Colorado –

In a state where marijuana sales and use has only recently become legal, teens and young adults are already finding new ways of abusing the substance to get as high as quickly, and with as much strength, as possible. The new trend among teenage users is to actually inject marijuana in the same way someone would heroin or cocaine, shooting it directly into the bloodstream.

“I’ve been smoking weed for so long, it just doesn’t do the trick anymore.” Said Lucas Davis, a 20 year old from Boulder. “I went on to dabs, and then to other more potent versions of weed, just trying to get as high as [expletive], ya know? Nothing has worked as well as just shooting that [expletive] right into my arm.”

Doctors have already cautioned worried parents that if they aren’t quick to stop their kids from injecting marijuana, they may see an epidemic of young people addicted to the drug.

“These kids who inject, they are far, far more likely to become addicted to marijuana than someone who just smokes it.” Said Dr. Michael Raymond, a surgeon at Bridgeton Memorial Hospital just outsider Boulder. “Weed is an immensely addictive drug. Patients of ours who smoke marijuana have reported that they became addicted almost immediately upon trying it for the first time, and most have to go through months of drug rehabilitation before they kick their addiction – and that is just the people who smoke it. Kids who are shooting up marijuana, they are headed down a serious drug path.”

Despite warnings from doctors and other medical professionals, most teens say they aren’t worried about the repercussions of injecting marijuana.

“I don’t get the fuss with weed, man. It’s all about chilling out, maybe eating a box of Zebra Cakes and watching Orange is the New Black on Netflix. It’s not like I have a real drug problem.” Said Derek Paul, a teenager from Aspen, Colorado. “Sure, I get paranoid when I’m high sometimes, but I stopped smoking and switched to banging [injecting] it because sometimes I’d cough so damn much when hitting the bong I thought my lungs were bleeding. This works better. It feels so [expletive] good to get high, you know? It feels really damn good.”

Worried parents in Colorado, as well as other parts of the country, have formed an online support group for people with children addicted to shooting up marijuana. The private Facebook group, Parents Against Marijuana Abuse, or PAMA, already has over 6,000 members.

“You have all really given me so much support through these troubled times in my son’s life.” Said Erin Silver, who posted to the group’s page. “My boy Marcus overdosed while shooting up marijuana, and he almost died. When I showed him all the parents on here, people from all over the country who were scared for their children’s lives, he quit his weed abuse cold turkey. He’s been off marijuana now for 2 weeks. I am so proud of him.”

“I’m not worried about what doctors say,” said Davis. “I just like the way it feels, and I’ll do whatever it takes to get the best high I can. Oh hey, have you seen my box of Bugles anywhere?”

Amazon To Begin Selling Marijuana, Methamphetamine Through Online Store

Posted on February 2, 2015 by Abe Abrams

SEATTLE, Washington –

Amazon.com, America’s largest online marketplace, announced plans to begin selling marijuana and Methamphetamine to states where the drugs are legal. Shares of Amazon rose 15% on the news, and analysts predict this will be a huge income opportunity for Amazon.

”We are going to test marijuana sales in Colorado starting immediately. The good news is all marijuana sales will be prime eligible, so you will only have to wait two days for your pot,” said Amazon CEO, Jeff Bezos. “Our research shows most pot users don’t like leaving their houses, so having it delivered right to their doorstep will be a big selling point. We are also offering our own line of Methamphetamine that will be called ‘Amazon Highs’. ‘ Amazon Highs’ will be just under the illegal dosage, making them sellable in all states. The pot and the ‘Amazon Highs’ should be big sellers with the young people, so we are looking forward to huge profits.”

“Not leaving my house for drugs, getting high legally…Shit, I love living in Colorado,” said town stoner Matt Kelly. ”Amazon is the best. I mean it’s a big corporation so I should hate it, but how can I hate a business that brings me my drugs?”

Not to be outdone in the drug-delivery game, Dominos Pizza has announced that they, too, are looking into selling marijuana with their other products, promising a 30-minute guaranteed delivery. Chuck Edwards, regional manager of Dominos says, “It makes perfect sense, because our pizza tastes better when you’re stoned. Our research shows that stoners don’t think far enough in advance to order their pot two days prior to needing it, so the 30 minute guarantee will have the kids calling us instead of Amazon.”

Congress Passes Nationwide Legalization of Recreational Marijuana

Posted on January 30, 2015 by thebluntman

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Weed smokers all over the United States lit up a victory joint on Friday morning in celebration of a legislative decision to allow recreational marijuana to be used in restrictive quantities in all fifty states. The decision came from President Obama, and was broadcast live on over fifty different streaming websites. Obama announced the decision at a gathering of weed smokers in Washington, D.C.

The historical decision was announced in a broadcast that lasted less than five minutes. President Obama said, “We, as the American people have rights and privileges in this country. These rights and privileges have included things like smoking cigarettes and drinking alcohol. Today, our country takes another step forward. It is my executive decision, as President of the United States of America, to legalize the use of recreational marijuana in all fifty states. Now, this isn’t absolute freedom – there will be some minor restrictions on the amount you can buy in one day. Also, all offenders of weed-related crimes are to be evaluated and released from their incarceration, ultimately saving millions in taxpayer dollars.”

The crowd of weed smokers cheered as they quickly pulled out their easily accessible blunts to take a drag of freedom. A man nearby handed Obama his joint, and Obama smoked it with a large smile on my face. “This is what I’m talking about,” Obama shouted. “This is freedom!”

Local pothead Jordan Reiss, through a cloud of smoke, gave his shout of approval to President Obama. “Bruh, I never thought this would happen in, like, my lifetime. Obama my man, if you want a third term, you’ve got my vote.”

Before professionally heading back to the White House, the President was seen looking absolutely stoned with bloodshot eyes and a goofy smile on his face. He waved to the crowd and gave the stoners a big thumbs-up.

After coming down from his stupor, Obama was unavailable for comment.

Former Patriots, Broncos Cornerback Marquice Cole Overdoses On Marijuana

Posted on January 26, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DENVER, Colorado –

Controversy arose today in Denver, Colorado, as free agent NFL Cornerback Marquice Cole, formerly of the Denver Broncos, became yet another documented case of overdose on the drug marijuana.

Marijuana, commonly known by the street name “weed,” was made legal in the state of Colorado in 2012 when Colorado Amendment 64 was passed through the state legislature. On January 1st, 2014, the first legal “weed shops” were opened to much controversy. Since then, several people throughout the state have overdosed from smoking large amounts of the drug, and there are at least 2 confirmed deaths in relation to smoking or eating marijuana.

Cole has stated that he was not a user before the law was passed, but as soon as it became legal and easy to get, it was all he was doing in his off time.

“It’s hard, when you’ve got as much money as us pro-athletes do, not to spend that cash somewhat…unwisely, at certain points,” Said Cole from his hospital room in Benchley Memorial Hospital, just outside Denver. “I bought cars and normal things, but as soon as weed became legal, and people were doing it all the time around me, I started spending my money there. It was crazy how much I was buying.”

Cole stated that a friend first offered him marijuana, and he instantly became hooked, a claim that most people who smoke weed have also reported. Cole says he started visiting multiple dispensaries throughout the day to buy as much as he could, purchasing the legal limit at each shop, as well as spending money on “how-to” books, and materials needed to grow in his own home. He claims that before he overdosed, he was smoking upwards of a pound or more in a day.

“It’s sad, really, that people think you can’t get ‘too high.’ That you can’t overdose. It can happen if you’re smoking enough,” Said Dr. Emmett Brown, who is specialist at Benchley Memorial dealing with drug addictions and overdose cases. “Usually we see cocaine or heroin abuse amongst athletes and celebrities, but there is no doubt that someday the puff-puff-pass could make you end up in the ER.”

“If I had it all to do over again, I would probably cut back a bit,” Says Cole, who is expected to recover from his overdose, albeit with several weeks of physical therapy. “This might have ruined my life. It might have ended my life. It certainly will be putting a huge damper on my career.”

So far, there has been no movement by the Colorado government to repeal the law, despite mounting pressures from activists and anti-marijuana crusaders throughout the state, as well as the rest of the country. Cole himself hopes that his ordeal will make people think twice before getting hooked on marijuana.

“I wish I’d never tried it, honestly,” said Cole in an impassioned speech to reporters and fans. “To any kids out there, just know, that no matter what they say, a drug is a drug – and it can ruin everything.”

As of this writing, no word on whether Cole will face any suspensions or penalties from the NFL.

Colorado Rockies To Begin Selling Pot Brownies At Stadium During Upcoming Season

Posted on January 25, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DENVER, Colorado –

With marijuana legalization in effect in Colorado, and weed laws becoming lax in several other states throughout the country, major sports organizations say they are looking for ways to cash in on pot smokers who come to their games.

Sources are reporting that Major League Baseball’s Colorado Rockies plan to sell food items which contain marijuana at concession stands during games next season. The first item on the list? Pot Brownies, of course.

An official within the Rockies organization stated that the ball club has given the green-light to their concession company to begin sell marijuana brownies, cookies, cakes, and other pastries in the 2015 season.

High-ranking officials in the Rockies organization say they are thrilled at the new menu items, since they note that it will bring in tens of thousands of dollars per month.

“We are so thankful that the great people of Colorado voted in this measure to allow marijuana to be legalized throughout the state,” said Rockies spokesman Joe Goldsmith. “Now, fans of the Colorado Rockies can come to the game, enjoy a beer, a dog, and then a nice dessert that will ease them into the 7th inning stretch.”

The Rockies head office is hoping that the sale of marijuana pastries will also boost sales of other concession items, as they say there is “no better way” to enjoy a Colorado Rockies game than high, and with a good “case of the munchies.”

New University Study Shows Marijuana Concentrate ‘Dabs’ Cause Brain Cancer

Posted on January 7, 2015 by DesireeAmber

TUCSON, Arizona –

At the University of Arizona College of Medicine, recent test studies show that smoking marijuana concentrates, also called “dabs,” users are increasing their risk of developing cancerous cells in their brain by almost 7 times when compared to just regular weed smoking.

Out of 75 test subjects, 11 subjects, both male and female, are showing signs of cancerous activity after only 18 months of smoking the concentrated marijuana dabs. Monitored behavior logs were kept, along with consultations and activities performed daily, monitoring standard marijuana smoking versus dab smokers.

University of Arizona representative Amanda Schuyler released the findings after concluding that the public needed to have the information on hand before the study would be fully completed.

“As the use of ‘dabs’ becomes more and more common amongst marijuana users seeking a much better high, we felt we needed to get our findings out there as soon as possible, as the dangers of holding onto such information could be disastrous,” said Schuyler. “The effects of residual butane exposure, which is a chemical used in preparing the dabs, actually isn’t as bad as you’d think. What’s really causing the cancer to grow at such a rapid rate is the concentrated marijuana. Taking one dab is just like smoking 4,000 joints at once. It’s deadly.”

7 Out of the 11 subjects being observed while using concentrates that were negatively effected are showing severe destruction of neurons in the brain, losses unlike anything ever seen. With no current possibility for regrowth of brain matter, it’s being suggested by the university researchers that concentrated ‘dabs’ be categorized with the government as a class 1 felony drug.

Debates have been heated in the medical marijuana, as well as recreational-use communities as to the benefits of these concentrates. Marijuana concentrates, also known on the streets as “hippie crack,” is made by using marijuana and butane to transform the plant into a goopy liquid, which gets heated and smoked through special, often very elaborate, glass pipes.

“I really hope that the government listens to our findings on this horrible, seriously damaging drug,” said Schuyler. “Just like standard marijuana, this new form is extremely deadly and could easily kill you. It needs to be controlled by the government, and it needs to be a strict felony as punishable by law.”

Pizza Delivery Driver Who Was Given $1,300 Tip Admits He Spent It All On Weed

Posted on December 7, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

INDIANAPOLIS, Indiana –

Two months ago, Jerry Maynor was just an average, 20-something pizza delivery driver. That all changed on a night in October, when Maynor delivered a pizza to the Alpha Beta Delta fraternity at Indianapolis Chapel University. There, the fraternity, made up of mostly Christian students, presented Maynor with a check for over $1300, as a tip in the name of Jesus.

When the news broke, Maynor became the face of every pizza delivery driver in the country, and not unsurprisingly, applications for delivery drivers at chains such as Pizza Hut, Dominos, and even mom-and-pop pizza restaurants, when up astronomically. Everyone wanted to be the next person who would be at the receiving end of such generosity.

Once the spotlight faded on Maynor, he went back to his quiet life of delivering pizzas and getting normal, $1 and $2 tips, assuming he made it within the assigned 15 minute delivery time. Empire News reached out to Maynor during a quick break from his delivery route, where he explained how excited he was to have gotten such a big tip.

“It’s a great feeling you know, it was just amazing to get that kind of money,” said Maynor. ” I was freaking the hell out, because that’s more money than I make in two months delivering pizza, and I couldn’t wait to spend it.”

Not surprisingly, what Maynor said he spent the money on was beer, weed, and metal CDs.

“They might have given me that money in the name of the Lord, or whatever, but screw that. Once it was in my hands, that money was going straight to getting me as high as fucking possible,” laughed Maynor. “I mean shit, that amount of money can buy you a ton of weed in Indiana. I also had bought some Five Finger Death Punch CDs to listen to while delivering, and I had a little party with some friends, and bought a bunch of beer. We had an awesome time.”

Maynor says that the money might have been ‘better spent’ catching up on rent and his car payments, but that he figured since it was a tip, he could use it to have fun.

“All my tip money goes to buying bags and beer,” said Maynor. “It’s a tip, bro, it’s not my paycheck. That money goes to bills, tip money is for having fun and getting as wasted as possible. Thanks be to Jesus, or whatever, for those Christian bros over at Chapel. It was the greatest tip ever!”

Pharmaceutical Companies Partner With Big-Tobacco, Create E-Cigarette To Treat Depression

Posted on December 4, 2014 by Angela Baker

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

It appears Big-Pharma has gotten into bed with Big-Tobacco, as plans emerge for a new line of prescription only, non-nicotine e-cigarettes. Instead of popping Prozac pills with their morning coffee, depression and anxiety sufferers may be able to choose an antidepressant that works like an e-cigarette.

Denise Richards, of the manufacturer E-Relax, explains the benefits. “The water vapor delivery system helps satisfy oral-fixation, while delivering low doses of medicine that you can control. Stressful meeting at work? Puff some relief at your desk,” she said. “Both our companies are big supporters of the Health Care Act. Americans are unhappy, but now they’re insured!”

When asked why their prescription drug company would partner with a tobacco company, she replied, “Well, they’ve been pushing legal drugs forever now. They know how to acquire a loyal lifelong customer.”

A representative for Phillip-Morris, the largest manufacturer of tobacco products, said that things are taking a turn for the worse in the world of cigarettes, and that they needed to be prepared.

“As a company, we have to face the fact that tobacco is going to be illegal someday. They’re legalizing weed in all these states all the time, and our lousy tobacco cigarettes can’t hold a candle to smoking a marijuana cigarette,” said Jim Rogers, cigarette lobbyist. “People are switching in droves. Obviously, our brand is dying. We can’t advertise on TV or radio anymore. Next will be magazines, I’m sure. Hell, We can’t even sell to children anymore!”

“Plus, we were never able to get into the safe cigarette market, since making a ‘safe alternative’ would be admitting cigarettes were harmful,” said Peter Jacobs, a health expert working for Phillip-Morris. “We had to protect our own asses. We once tried making a nicotine-free version of a cigarette, but seriously, that’s like decaf coffee – people will still drink it, but why’s the point?”

“Slinging antidepressants will allow us to break into that juicy, angsty-teen market,” explained Rogers. “Now they can look cool while taking their medicine. We eventually hope to expand the line to include ADHD medication, which we know would make us a boatload of cash with the kids.”

79-year-old Myles Martin says, “I love the idea. I used to be a smoker, and I miss it sometimes. I need my depression meds, but now I can just smoke it, and relive my glory days. I hope they make it for my E.D., next. There’s nothin’ sexy about poppin’ my little blue pill in the same manner as my blood thinner, but every woman will be turned on if I’m taking puffs off an e-cig.”