WWE Chairman Vince McMahon Says Donald Trump Will Make Appearance At Wrestlemania

trumpmcmahon

STAMFORD, CT – 

WWE Chairman Vince McMahon announced today that he has tapped President Donald Trump to appear at Wrestlemania 33 in Orlando, Florida on April 2nd.

Trump, who had a long story arch in the WWE in the 90s and was entered into the WWE Wrestling Hall of Fame in 2013, says that he is “extremely excited” to get back in the ring.

“It was one of the best times of my life, attacking Vince McMahon and appearing on their Pay-Per-View events,” said Trump. “Vince and I, we’ve been friends a long time. Rivals in the world of business, but friends all the same. When he asked me to return, I wasn’t sure it was the best thing to do, because I’ve got a lot going on right now, but this is a yuge opportunity and will be a lot of fun for me, and hopefully for the Wrestlemania crowd in Orlando. I have no problem taking a steel chair to the face, as long as that chair was made by the United Steel Workers Union here in the great country I call home – the United States of America.”

“We are very excited that Donnie will be coming back in,” said McMahon in a press release posted to WWE.com. “He has always been a friend to this company, to the wrestling world, to the world of Sports Entertainment, and as an honored member of the Hall of Fame, we are very excited to have him appear at Wrestlemania 33.”

Neither McMahon nor Trump have indicated in what capacity the latter would be appearing, but McMahon did drop a hint that he hoped Trump wouldn’t have any problem getting color.

Uber Driver Refuses To Pick Up Woman In Labor, Didn’t Want To Help Deliver Baby

INDIANAPOLIS, Indiana – 

An Uber driver in Indianapolis is being sued by a couple who had to deliver their baby on the street after they say the driver would not let them into his car.

“We ordered an Uber as soon as my wife went into labor, and when the driver showed up, late I might add, he wouldn’t take us to the hospital. He didn’t want to get any ‘baby gunk’ on his seats, and said he wouldn’t know what to do if he had to try and deliver the baby,” said John Richards. “My wife gave birth right on the sidewalk instead. Our baby could have caught something from the street filth!”

The driver, Mr. Tony Trims, says that there was “no fucking way” he was letting these people into his car when he saw that the woman was in labor.

“Look, I ain’t saying they’re bad people or nothing, but for sure she was gonna leak on my seats. Part of the Uber policy is that I don’t have to pick up anyone if I don’t want to. I took the job, yeah, but the next guy would have been along in about a minute,” said Trims. “They spent that time bitchin’ at me instead of ordering another Uber. Not my problem.”

The lawsuit has been filed by the Richards family, and they say that their lawyer thinks they have a “hell of” a discrimination case.

You Won’t BELIEVE What These ‘Hatchimals’ Toys Are Saying To Kids!

hatchimals

BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

A mother in Boston who bought each of her 7 children the year’s hottest toy, a Hatchimal, says the creatures had been mostly speaking gibberish when first opened on Christmas morning, but over the last week, have started saying some “truly disturbing things.”

“These Hatchimals are basically just like those old Ferby toys, remember those?” said Carla Jones, 28. “I had one of those when I was a kid. They spoke in random gibberish. Well, these Hatchimals, they did too mostly. But then the other day, I noticed that my youngest son, Tyler, who is 4, started saying some horrible things. I asked him where he learned those words, and he pointed to his Hatchimal.”

Jones was asked if the words could be repeated for print, and she said “she didn’t think they should be said,” but wanted to make sure that other parents knew what these “dangerous toys” were teaching their children.

“If it was only something as simple as it saying ‘fuck’ or something, then I’d be okay with that. They hear that kind of talk on Sesame Street these days, for crying out loud,” said Jones. “No, it was much more sinister. I’m honestly having a hard time saying the words, but truly, everyone should know. These Hatchimals, they taught my son to say ‘Donald Trump will make a great president.’ OH MY GOD I can’t believe I said it. It’s so sick.”

Empire News reached out the company behind Hatchimals, but received no response.

Congress To Enact Laws Forcing Everyone To Carry Life Insurance

life

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

The government has already been forcing American citizens to carry a form of health insurance, despite rising costs and crippling debt that we’re all faced with. Now, Congress plans to enact a new law that would also force everyone to have a life insurance policy.

“This is really and truly for the benefit of the people, and will only help in the long run,” said Congressman Bill Knowles. “People are dying every single day, and no one can afford to bury them. They can’t afford the funeral costs, and they can’t afford the bills left behind. By forcing everyone to have life plans, it will alleviate a lot of headaches.”

The life insurance companies say they are “thrilled” by this news, as many of them had seen a drastic decrease in sign-ups over the last several years.

“We haven’t signed anyone up for a life plan in about 6 weeks,” said Raymond Booth, owner of a small life insurance company in Idaho. “We partner with some big names, but I just can’t get anyone interested. No one wants to think about dying, and they don’t care what kind of mess they leave behind for their family. Thanks to this bill, though, I’m going to be rolling in it very soon!”

The bill is set to be voted on after winter break, when Congress resumes on January 20th.

Comcast Announces Massive Price Hike For Cable, Customers Aren’t Surprised

comcast

DALLAS, Texas – 

Comcast, one of the nation’s largest cable companies, says that their annual price increase will take effect on January 1st, and customers can expect to see rates jump by nearly 400%.

Mark Lemon, who has Comcast internet but not cable, says he isn’t at all surprised.

“I used to pay about $100 a month for cable and internet,” said Lemon. “It really wasn’t horrible. Then last year, they upped that price to nearly $300 for the same package, so I cut down to just internet, and I bootleg everything I want to watch from TV. Works great!”

Comcast says that people like Lemon are to blame for the price increases.

“If everyone just came back to cable, and stopped cutting the cord, and stopped illegally downloading movies and shows, we could lower the cost again. I mean we could – we definitely wouldn’t, but we could,” said Comcast spokesman Derek Jones. “But, because we’re down to only a couple of people who have cable packages, we really need to hike this price up to make a profit.”

Jones says that customer who normally pay around $75-$100 a month for just cable should see those prices hit somewhere around $400-$600, depending on their chosen package.

Walmart Says That 50% of Items Bought as Christmas Gifts Were Returned

walmart

BENTONVILLE, Arkansas – 

Walmart recently released information stating that for every gift purchase that was made through the holiday season, over 50% of the items were brought back to the store.

“People try really, really hard to make their loved ones happy, but as it turns out, most people don’t know crap from Crisco when it comes to presents, and they’d have been better off buying a gift card. All those presents? Yeah, the come right back,” said Walmart spokesman Mario Deluth.

All the returns cause massive headaches for Walmart, the world’s largest retailer, because most of the products cannot be re-sold.

“We get boxes in that have been crushed, pissed on, items broke – you name it, we see it,” said Deluth. “Fact of the matter is, we take a loss on all those presents you buy unnecessarily, so if you wouldn’t mind, next time, just get a gift card or something.”

Newport Plans To Introduce New Marijuana Cigarettes For Sale In States Where Weed Is Legal

newports

As Reported By Empire Herald:

Newport Cigarettes, one of the world’s most popular cigarette brands, announced today that they will join the marijuana legalization trend and start producing marijuana cigarettes. Marketed under the brand ‘Newport Nirvana’, the cigarettes will be made available for sale through marijuana-licensed outlets in the state of Colorado, and the state of Washington.

Reynolds American Inc. Chief Marketing Executive Lawrence Harrison, said in an interview that the company has been ecstatic on the idea of marketing cannabis, and has been monitoring the market for some time. It was only when the recent legalization initiatives…

READ FULL STORY HERE

Facebook, Twitter To Begin Charging Per Post Starting Next Year

aaaaa

As Reported By Huzlers:

Mark Zuckerberg, Chairman of Facebook, and Jack Dorsey, Chairman of Twitter, both announced that they would begin charging users for posting and tweeting, respectively, very soon.

Mark Zuckerberg announced that Facebook will now be charging $0.50 USD for each post and $0.99 for each post that contains a website link. “It’s time we make a change” says Mark Zuckerberg, “we need to increase our revenue, charging per post is fair. We see so many pointless status updates, maybe now users will think before posting…

READ FULL STORY HERE

New Hampshire Forces All Stores To Be Closed On ‘Black Friday’ Due To Fear Of Injury and Death

Woman Gives Birth During Black Friday Sale; Leaves Baby, Buys Big Screen TV

CONCORD, New Hampshire – 

The state law board in New Hampshire has ruled that no retail store will be able to open their doors on the day after Thanksgiving, the shopping ‘holiday’ known as Black Friday. According to state representatives, the number of massive injury or deaths has steadily increased over the last 10 years, and they are trying to “lower the possibility” of anything happening.

“Last year, we had 2,000 injuries and 178 deaths statewide in relation to Black Friday shopping,” said NH State Representative Dan Miller. “We had no choice but to shut it down for this year.”

Miller says that the plan is to make sure that all stores are closed from midnight on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving until 7AM on the Saturday following.

“This way, people will not get trampled in dangerous stampedes just to get their hands on a $199 TV or some such nonsense,” said Miller.

When asked if he thought that the “Black Friday” madness would just get pushed to Saturday, causing the injuries or deaths later in the weekend, Miller responded that they “hadn’t thought of that,” and just encouraged more people to stay home and shop online.

Government Forces Company To Remove The Term ‘Diet’ From All Foods

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Have you had a diet soda recently? We don’t suppose it helped you lose any weight, did it? Of course not. But, the United States government thinks that ‘diet’ has become a word synonymous with losing weight, and has decided to ban it from all food and packaging that shoppers would be exposed to.

“If you go to the store and get a Diet Pepsi, I’d expect, as a normal, everyday kind of guy, that I should be able to drink it and lose weight,” said Mario Lewis, who started a petition with change.org to get the government to remove the label. “I drank a Diet Soda every single day for nearly 20 years. It was my diet plan. All I got from that much diet drink was cancer. I didn’t lose a pound.”

“We agree that something has to change, and so we’ve made the decision to ban the word ‘diet’ from food packaging,” said USDA representative Carl Pooler. “Starting January 1st, ‘diets’ will be a thing of the past. What the new term is, we haven’t decided. We may leave that up to the producer of the specific food.”

This ban comes after similar ones from years past, such as the tobacco industry being forced to remove the term “light” to describe their cigarettes, when those things were still filled with the same amount of rat poison, cow shit, and black death as their “full flavor” counterparts.

 

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