LOS ANGELES, California –
Viacom Networks, the parent company of MTV, VH1, Nickelodeon, and others, has announced a major programming change for one of their longest-running networks. MTV, which started in the early 80s as a station airing music videos and music-related programming such as interviews with musicians, stopped showing music videos well over a decade ago, and now focuses on reality programming.
“We have decided that nostalgia is the winner here,” said MTV Chairman Reed Morris. “The people have spoken – in fact, they’ve been speaking for years – and they want their MTV. So we have made the decision to remove all existing programming, and go back to our roots. We will begin showing music videos on our network beginning in August.”
It has been a long-running joke that MTV no longer showed any music videos, despite their name – “Music TV.” Many on the internet bashed the company for their change to reality shows, and have been begging for music videos ever since.
“The funny thing is, a channel dedicated to just music videos is completely irrelevant in this day and age,” said MTV superfan Ryan Rogers. “I mean, I miss the days of watching my favorite videos on TV, but even I think this is kind of dumb. I can just go to YouTube and look up whatever I want, any time I want. I don’t need MTV. But it’s still cool they’re willing to ruin their whole network just for the ‘fans’.”
NEW YORK CITY, New York –
Investor and former billionaire Mark Cuban has filed for bankruptcy, after he says he made a series of bad business deals on Shark Tank.
“Over the last two seasons, I’ve invested in about a dozen different businesses, and every single one of them failed,” said Cuban. “It’s absolutely the worst run of luck in my life. I’ve usually been a whole lot better at figuring out how to stay rich. This crippled me.”
Cuban, who made his fortune by perfectly timing the sale of an internet company before the bubble burst, has been an investor on the show Shark Tank since it began nearly 10 years ago. He is the first Shark to lose their fortune investing in the companies presented.
“I feel kind of bad for him, but not like, super bad or anything,” said Barbara Corcoran, another Shark. “Mark was worth more than the rest of the sharks combined, and it’s actually kind of nice to see a fall like this. It will probably give him a bit of humility. I have no doubt he’ll climb his way back up, but for now, I’m smiling a bit.”
PALO ALTO, California –
Facebook founder and CEO Mark Zuckerberg has announced that he will be stepping down from the company, after allegations that he orchestrated his team to steal private information from site users, and resold it for millions.
“While I can neither confirm nor deny that I was a part of the stolen user data, it happened on my watch as CEO, and that’s not right,” said Zuckerberg. “Effective immediately, I am stepping down as the CEO of Facebook.”
When asked what his next plans were, Zuck was initially shy about answering, but was eventually persuaded to admit that he had his ambitions set on running the country in place of Facebook.
“Realistically, I was already running the country anyway,” said Zuckerberg. “Do you know anyone who isn’t on Facebook? Exactly. When you run the biggest website in the world that billions log onto every day, you’re basically running things, if you understand what I mean.”
Zuckerberg has not officially announced his candidacy, but sources close to him say he is “absolutely” planning a run in 2020.
ATLANTA, Georgia –
Frito-Lay, the company who manufactures Doritos-brand tortilla chips, has announced that they have plans to make an excessively large chip, with plans to release it later this summer.
“After a viral meme caught our attention, relating the name ‘Dorito’ to meaning ‘little Doro,’ in Spanish, and surmising that must mean that somewhere out there are ‘large Doros,’ we decided to give the public exactly what they want,” said Frito-Lay spokesman Mario Rogers. “We will be unveiling the DoroXL by the end of the summer, with chips that are roughly the size of the current Party Bag of Doritos.”
The company says this is the first time they’ve ever turned an internet joke into an actual product, but they believe it will sell very well.
“With the success of our Doritos-Locos tacos at Taco Bell with stoners and alcoholics, there is no way that this product can fail,” said Rogers. “We are very excited for everyone to see these new chips. They’re literally the size of your head.”
The product will come in the original nacho cheese and “Cool Ranch” flavor to start, and Rogers says that – sales figures depending – the company may release other popular flavors in the DoroXL brand.
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
President Donald Trump has reportedly offered Roseanne Barr a job in his cabinet at the White House, after ABC fired Roseanne and cancelled her sitcom over racist tweets made by the comedian. President Trump says that he “feels horrible” for the TV star, and says that there is “absolutely a job” for her in the White House.
“Roseanne is a national treasure, and is loved by many,” said President Trump. “Her tweets were her own thoughts, which were shared by many people across this great nation. I, for one, believe that she deserves another chance, and as such, will be allowing her to be the chairperson of a new position I’m creating in the White House – Director of Race Relations.”
If Roseanne decides to take the job, she will be in charge of working with people of all different races throughout the country in trying to “smooth over” issues between them.
“This will include teaching black people not to shoot and rob each other, teaching Mexicans how to wear deodorant in public, that sort of thing,” said President Trump. “I absolutely believe that Roseanne is the perfect person for this job.”
CHARLOTTESVILLE, Virginia –
A retirement home in Virginia was busted by the FBI, and 7 people were arrested after authorities were tipped off that the home was running and underground fight club in their recreation room after hours.
According to federal agents, the home was requiring residents to partake in the fights in order to obtain necessities such as meals and medications. They would live-stream the fights online in a pay-per-view fashion. It is estimated that they took in over $125 million in the last 3 years running the illegal fights.
“The older the contestants, the more brutal things got,” said FBI Agent Roger Kramer. “They were desperate for their meds, so they’d use weapons – chairs, walkers, canes – whatever they had.”
Two owners of the retirement community, as well as two employees and three residents were arrested and implicated in the scheme. Currently, they each face a maximum of 15 years in prison if convicted.
NEW BRIGHTON, California –
Tampax, a Proctor & Gamble company based in California, has released the first tampon for post-op transgender women.
“We feel as if our product will be well received amongst the trans community,” said Tampax CEO Carl Smith, a white, cis-gendered, straight male. “We are hoping to bring each trans-woman closer to the full female experience and diminish body dysmorphia triggers altogether. Nothing is more ‘womanly’ than a tampon, and we’re sure these little things will sell very well with the trannies.”
According to Smith, the product will come in three sizes: “Petite” is for the trans-woman who is still working to achieve maximum dilation, yet still wants to produce menses. “Intermediate” provides an average amount of menstruation, “Big Lush” isfor the trans-woman who wishes to enjoy “heavy” menstruation.
“We expect the Big Lush to be the most common seller,” said Smith. “We have done extensive research, and it has shown that guys who are now women are really into sticking things into their fake vaginas, so we’re going with this as a way to satisfy that need.”
The product is expected to hit the market next month.
Secret, closed door negotiations have finally been made public after an agreement was reached by the US Government to purchase the social media giant for $10 billion.
There is no doubt that Facebook has been a runaway success – but for who? It has been long suspected that Facebook has been feeding information to the NSA, CIA and other government entities and that they excessively use this site to monitor the online activity of Facebook users. The US government has already been caught taking dodgy steps with individual privacy.
There’s no denying the information gained by Facebook from its users is valuable to a degree and there is no question that the US government has been caught gathering private information without people’s consent. Does this mean the government now has an even larger agenda ahead of them? The government has made increasingly frequent demands for information from ISPs (Internet service providers), telecom companies, and other social media sites.
But the information generated by Facebook users has been the government’s primary resource on the American people. Insiders with confidential knowledge say that Zuckerberg is tired of the increasing demands from government entities. Finally, it has pushed him over the edge to sell. However, $10 billion is not a bad payday! But will you keep your Facebook account? Are you concerned about the privacy issues?
SACRAMENTO, California –
Coffee drinkers, beware. A judge in California has just ruled that all coffees need to come with a label letting consumers know that the drink could cause cancer, as research has shown the roasting process of some beans may lead to cancerous cells. This includes labeling signs and cups in restaurants, including major chains like Starbucks.
Superior Court Judge Elihu Berle wrote in a proposed ruling Wednesday that Starbucks and other coffee companies failed to show that the threat from the chemical was insignificant.
“Frankly, we don’t give a shit if coffee causes cancer or not, it’s still delicious, right?” said Starbucks spokesperson Bill Richardson. “I have been drinking a dozen cups of Starbucks coffee every day for the last 18 years I’ve been with the company, and I’m still kicking. In fact, I’m kicking faster and with more focus. Damn, coffee is good.”
According to Starbucks, they will eventually comply with the law, letting consumers know that the coffee may be cancerous, but that it will take awhile before they can order new signs and cups.
“It’s not a quick process at all, for sure,” said Richardson. “We also plan to appeal, because I mean, come on. No one actually drinks our coffee anyway. It’s a status thing. You just carry around the cup so people can know that you’re a pretentious coffee drinker, but they’re not actually ingesting it. Our stores throw away more coffee than you can imagine. Come for the asshole servers, burnt espresso, and the free wi-fi – we’re not going to give you cancer. And if you do get cancer, are you ever going to trace it back to the coffee we served you? No. Get over it, whiners.”
PALO ALTO, California –
In what they are calling a “simple change,” Netflix announced that they play to move away from the “expensive” ad-free model they currently have, and move towards an ad-based model that would reduce monthly costs for consumers, much like competitors Hulu and Crackle.
“One of the biggest complaints we get is our high cost,” said Netflix CEO Reed Hastings. ” The second biggest complaint is that there aren’t enough commercials. I know, I know. You don’t believe that second one, but it’s true.”
Hastings said that the company has spent the last 5 months partnering with companies who plan to run 10-30 second commercials before and after shows, as well as at periodic points in any show or movie longer than one hour.
“For our customers who do not want commercials, and prefer to keep their streaming service as it is, we will have that option, but unfortunately, the price will go up for that,” said Hastings. He did not confirm the upgraded cost.
“On the plus side, the cost for ad-based streaming will go down to $3.99 a month for HD, and 4.99 for 4K. We really believe in this model, and think that our customers will, too,” said Hastings.
DVD Netflix, which many of you are learning still exists just by reading this sentence, will still send commercial-free, retail versions of DVDs and Blu-rays.