Tampax Releases Tampons Designed Specifically For Post-Op Transgendered Women

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NEW BRIGHTON, California – 

Tampax,  a Proctor & Gamble company based in California, has released the first tampon for post-op transgender women.

“We feel as if our product will be well received amongst the trans community,” said Tampax CEO Carl Smith, a white, cis-gendered, straight male. “We are hoping to bring each trans-woman closer to the full female experience and diminish body dysmorphia triggers altogether. Nothing is more ‘womanly’ than a tampon, and we’re sure these little things will sell very well with the trannies.”

According to Smith, the product will come in three sizes: “Petite” is for the trans-woman who is still working to achieve maximum dilation, yet still wants to produce menses. “Intermediate” provides an average amount of menstruation, “Big Lush” isfor the trans-woman who wishes to enjoy “heavy” menstruation.

“We expect the Big Lush to be the most common seller,” said Smith. “We have done extensive research, and it has shown that guys who are now women are really into sticking things into their fake vaginas, so we’re going with this as a way to satisfy that need.”

The product is expected to hit the market next month.

BREAKING: Facebook Was Just SOLD To The Government Over Growing User Privacy Concerns

Secret, closed door negotiations have finally been made public after an agreement was reached by the US Government to purchase the social media giant for $10 billion.

via Now8News:


There is no doubt that Facebook has been a runaway success – but for who? It has been long suspected that Facebook has been feeding information to the NSA, CIA and other government entities and that they excessively use this site to monitor the online activity of Facebook users. The US government has already been caught taking dodgy steps with individual privacy. 

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There’s no denying the information gained by Facebook from its users is valuable to a degree and there is no question that the US government has been caught gathering private information without people’s consent. Does this mean the government now has an even larger agenda ahead of them? The government has made increasingly frequent demands for information from ISPs (Internet service providers), telecom companies, and other social media sites.

But the information generated by Facebook users has been the government’s primary resource on the American people. Insiders with confidential knowledge say that Zuckerberg is tired of the increasing demands from government entities. Finally, it has pushed him over the edge to sell. However, $10 billion is not a bad payday! But will you keep your Facebook account? Are you concerned about the privacy issues?


 

BREAKING: A California Court Just Ruled That Starbucks Coffee Causes Cancer

SACRAMENTO, California – 

Coffee drinkers, beware. A judge in California has just ruled that all coffees need to come with a label letting consumers know that the drink could cause cancer, as research has shown the roasting process of some beans may lead to cancerous cells. This includes labeling signs and cups in restaurants, including major chains like Starbucks.

Superior Court Judge Elihu Berle wrote in a proposed ruling Wednesday that Starbucks and other coffee companies failed to show that the threat from the chemical was insignificant.

“Frankly, we don’t give a shit if coffee causes cancer or not, it’s still delicious, right?” said Starbucks spokesperson Bill Richardson. “I have been drinking a dozen cups of Starbucks coffee every day for the last 18 years I’ve been with the company, and I’m still kicking. In fact, I’m kicking faster and with more focus. Damn, coffee is good.”

According to Starbucks, they will eventually comply with the law, letting consumers know that the coffee may be cancerous, but that it will take awhile before they can order new signs and cups.

“It’s not a quick process at all, for sure,” said Richardson. “We also plan to appeal, because I mean, come on. No one actually drinks our coffee anyway. It’s a status thing. You just carry around the cup so people can know that you’re a pretentious coffee drinker, but they’re not actually ingesting it. Our stores throw away more coffee than you can imagine. Come for the asshole servers, burnt espresso, and the free wi-fi – we’re not going to give you cancer. And if you do get cancer, are you ever going to trace it back to the coffee we served you? No. Get over it, whiners.”

Netflix Announces Their Plan To Go To Ad-Based Streaming

PALO ALTO, California – 

In what they are calling a “simple change,” Netflix announced that they play to move away from the “expensive” ad-free model they currently have, and move towards an ad-based model that would reduce monthly costs for consumers, much like competitors Hulu and Crackle.

“One of the biggest complaints we get is our high cost,” said Netflix CEO Reed Hastings. ” The second biggest complaint is that there aren’t enough commercials. I know, I know. You don’t believe that second one, but it’s true.”

Hastings said that the company has spent the last 5 months partnering with companies who plan to run 10-30 second commercials before and after shows, as well as at periodic points in any show or movie longer than one hour.

“For our customers who do not want commercials, and prefer to keep their streaming service as it is, we will have that option, but unfortunately, the price will go up for that,” said Hastings. He did not confirm the upgraded cost.

“On the plus side, the cost for ad-based streaming will go down to $3.99 a month for HD, and 4.99 for 4K. We really believe in this model, and think that our customers will, too,” said Hastings.

DVD Netflix, which many of you are learning still exists just by reading this sentence, will still send commercial-free, retail versions of DVDs and Blu-rays.

EA Sports To Make President Trump Cover Star of PGA Tour 2018

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LOS ANGELES, California – 

At a press conference at the White House today, President Trump announced that he would be the next cover star for EA Sports’ PGA Tour video game series. The series will be branded as Donald Trump’s PGA Tour.

From The Hard Times:

“This is a tremendous honor that I’ve bestowed upon myself,” said Trump to a crowded White House press room. “I’ve got the best clubs, I play on the best courses, I’m like, really great at golf.  Putting the Trump brand on this game is going to boost sales, bigly.”

Casey Patrick, a lead developer on PGA Tour 18, nervously echoed the president’s sentiments while flanked on each side by Secret Service members.  

“After the Secret Service kicked our door in, slammed my head on a desk, and forced me to sign a contract that appeared to be written in crayon by President Trump himself, we were thrilled to put him on the cover,” Patrick told a group of reporters.

Trump is reportedly also in talks to be on the cover of the next MADDEN video game, and says he is “considering” whether or not to appear on the cover of WWE 2019.

President Trump Will Appear in WWE Royal Rumble Tonight

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PHILADELPHIA, Pennsylvania – 

President Trump, who has been friends with WWE owner Vince McMahon for many years, and who has been a part of wrestling events in the past, will be appearing at tonight’s Royal Rumble in Philadelphia. Normally he’d be relegated to a sideline role, or a walk-in part where he may speak,  but this event will be very different. Trump will actually be wrestling in the Rumble match.

“President Trump was asked to participate, and he said yes,” said White House spokesman Giles Anderson. “He and Vince McMahon are longtime friends, and he missed working with the WWE. It was President Trump’s suggestion that he actually participate in a physical role.”

Trump has secretly been training in the ring for the last 6 months in anticipation of tonight’s event, and is saying that he is confident in his abilities.

“I obviously will not be winning the match, I don’t think anyone expects that,” said President Trump. “But I will be able to hold my own with no problem.”

Netflix Announces Plans To Ditch Hollywood Films, Plans To Focus Only On Original Content

 

SAN DIMAS, California – 

Netflix, everyone’s favorite streaming platform, has – as of late – become an internet joke. For every person who absolutely loves the service, another ten people complain about the lack of new movies and original content, noting that the service often fills their back catalog with old titles and cheap B-movies.

It’s because of this feedback that Netflix has announced their most drastic change since the company began nearly 20 years ago. Starting in June, Netflix say they will completely phase out their licensing agreements with Hollywood studios, and instead rely solely on original, Netflix-created content.

“This change will be our biggest yet, but we’re also betting that it will be the most positive,” said CEO Reed Hastings. “Our numbers for original programming like Stranger Things and Orange is the New Black are through the roof, whereas the film selection are often very sparing. Focusing on original content will help us align ourselves as, essentially, the TV network that everyone is watching.”

Hastings did say that although they are going to do away with licensing of Hollywood movies, it doesn’t mean they are going to stop bringing in shows that have been re-branded for Netflix.

Black Mirror brings in huge numbers for us, and although it’s not a Netflix original, it is the only place to stream the show here in the United States,” said Hastings. “We will continue to run that show, as well as bringing in other series that air outside of the country. We will also be co-producing new episodes in partnership with the BBC.”

So far, comments on the change have been positive, with nearly everyone excited about having a provider that focuses exclusively on original content, and isn’t bogged down with filling space with dead items. Hastings also noted that DVD Netflix, the service that delivers physical media to users’ mailboxes, will go unchanged.

Trump’s Secret Addiction EXPOSED! How The President Has Gone BANKRUPT Over Secret Purchases

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WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Trump has made a big deal about not showing his taxes, trying desperately to hide his actual income and net worth from the public. The reason why, many have speculated, is that he not only has cheated on his taxes, but that the forms would reveal how little he actually has in income. As it turns out, that is partially correct.

Although Trump has made a fortune selling his name and branding buildings, it was also recently discovered that the world’s most powerful leader is completely and totally flat broke.

“The President has a rather extreme, but somewhat relatable addiction to buying and collecting movies,” said a source from inside the White House. “I know that seems kind of bizarre, but Trump is like a big man-child, and his love of movies is vast. He has dedicated an entire wing of the White House to his DVD and Blu-ray collection. He has approximately 89,000 movies. It’s a full time job for a team of 3 people to organize and alphabetize his collection.”

According to the source, Trump spends nearly $30 million a year on his movie collection, and lately that number has increased, as he spends more and more on high-priced, out of print collectible copies, and on newer and more expensive titles, such as those that are being released in 4K high definition. For someone who was reportedly worth billions only a decade ago, the collection has slowly killed his net worth.

“The President has a problem, and it’s coming to a point where someone needs to have an intervention with him, but no one knows how,” said the source. “He’s out of control. On Black Friday, where sales are at their best, he went out and bought almost 100 new movies in one day. Then, just because that kick-started the buying bug, he ordered another 270 movies on Cyber Monday. The guy has a problem, and it’s killing us all.”

Best Buy Posts Record-High Deaths During Black Friday Sales; ‘Best We’ve Ever Done’ Says CEO

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DELUTH, Mississippi – 

Best Buy Inc., the nation’s largest electronics retailer that hasn’t yet succumbed to Amazon, posted record high deaths during their annual Black Friday sales this morning. CEO Mark Chambers noted that in all of the company’s 1200 stores, there was at least one death, with several stores having multiple people die during the event.

“The Austin, Texas store, which came in last place in 2016 with only 1 death, skyrocketed to first place this year,” said Chambers. “Store 2118  right in downtown Austin had a staggering 23 deaths this year, and we couldn’t be more proud. They had 13 people trampled, 6 were shot, 3 had heart attacks, and 1 was stabbed in the neck for the last blu-ray copy of Wonder Woman. It is truly an amazing feat.”

Walmart also posted high numbers of deaths and injuries this year, although they were down from 2016, where the company saw 1,884 deaths, including 28 employees.

“Employee death is something we have yet to achieve, but we think we’ll get there,” said Chambers. “Walmart really knows how to get things done. We’re learning a lot from them.”

New Poll Shows People Trust Flint, MI Tap Water More Than They Trust President Trump

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DETROIT, Michigan – 

A new survey released today from the prestigious Harvard College of Detroit shows that residents across the state rated Flint tap water higher on the ‘Trustworthiness’ scale than current President Donald Trump. In the study, they found that Trump only was able to score a 14%, while Flint tap water scored a surprising 49%.

“Well, what do you expect?” said Michigan resident Duke Henry. “Thanks to the tap water in Flint, we’re really, really good at smelling shit. We know when something isn’t right. I can’t see through the tap water here, but I can see right through that Cheeto, and all of his lies.”

Resident Shirley Tanner agrees. “At some point you have to stop blaming the water for the fact your kids are dumb and lazy,” she said. “I would trust a fart after a Taco Bell run more than I’d ever trust President Trump.”

Other findings from the study were also critical of Trump’s trustworthiness. “Donald Trump’s lies affect brain development, in both children and adults, but especially those active on the internet,” said Dr. Miles Teller, who conducted the study. “Exposure to Trump’s falsehoods can also cause, among other things, full-blown retardation in those exposed for long periods of time. The neurological and behavioral effects of his lies are believed to be irreversible.”

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