3-Month-Old Baby Arrested For Breaking Priceless Artifact at History Museum

baby

BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

A 3-month-old baby has been taken into custody in Boston after he broke a priceless vase at the Natural History Museum on Tuesday.

Police say the baby, who has in a stroller being pushed by his mother, reached out and knocked over a 4-foot tall vase, which instantly shattered when it hit the floor.

“We tried endlessly for over 15 hours to put everything back together, but we could not,” said H.T. Dumpty, the museum curator. “This piece was worth well over $600 million dollars. It was practically priceless, and a one of a kind piece from the Ming dynasty. There are no others like it, and we are extremely frustrated with this baby for ruining something so precious and valuable.”

The baby’s mother, Francine Thompson, said she was “appalled” that her son would do such a thing.

“I was pushing him along, and looking at all the beautiful pieces. I wheeled little Joey right up near the vase, and pointed to it and was reading him the card telling about its history, when all of a sudden he reached out and pushed it over. It smashed everywhere, and he just laughed and laughed. I was in shock,” said Thompson. “I hope they throw the book at him, and give him as long as possible.”

The baby is one of the youngest people ever arrested. He is being charged with felony destruction of property and felony trespassing. If convicted, he could receive up to 20 years in prison.

BREAKING: OJ Simpson Reportedly Killed In Prison

OJ

LOVELOCK PRISON, Nevada – 

Representatives for Lovelock Correctional Facility in Nevada have responded to questions about OJ Simpson, who has been incarcerated in their facility since 2008, after news was leaked that Simpson killed during a prison-wide talent show that featured inmates and guards alike.

“It is absolutely correct that OJ Simpson, better known around the prison as Juice, absolutely killed during his stand-up comedy routine,” said Lovelock warden Derek Hughes. “He really was hilarious, and he had the whole crowd in stitches the entire time. He performed for maybe 15 minutes, doing totally original material. I seriously had tears rolling down my cheeks. It really was a throwback to his comedy days. You remember those Naked Gun movies? Oh man, those are my favorite films. He was hilarious then, and he’s hilarious now. I hope he gets out in time to make a cameo in the remake they’re working on.”

“I absolutely love performing, and it was great to get up there, have a little fun, and make everyone laugh,” said Simpson. “There are two big loves in my life, and that’s sports and comedy. I hadn’t yet been able to really do much comedy since I’d been in prison, but I am thankful that I’ve been able to coach and mentor some of the younger inmates and help them in their games. We have some great fields and facilities here. I want to thank everyone for the kind words about my stand-up performance. It means a lot.”

Simpson is eligible for parole in October, with preliminary parole hearings scheduled to begin in July.

Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson FINALLY Announces Official Bid For President in 2020

johnson

LOS ANGELES, California – 

Taking a break from promoting his latest movie, Baywatch, former WWE wrestler and the world’s highest paid movie star, Dwayne Johnson, announced that he has come to a decision about running for President of the United States.

“I’m all in!” said Johnson to a reporter for Entertainment Weekly. “I’ve been giving it tons of thought. At first it was kind of a gag, and I jokingly made like I was interested. But as more and more young people approached me and asked me about it, I began to realize that I could really make a difference. We need a new…we need a better president. Someone who will listen, and make the right kind of waves. I’ve got the money to run.”

When asked where he stood on specific issues, Johnson said that he would “get into that” at a later time.

“I am a Republican, and I do have some conservative values, but I’m about the people, and helping people, and that’s what it should be about,” said Johnson. “I don’t think we need to make America great again, because the country is great, it always has been. I think what we need is to join people together. I think there are people who need to be made great again. That’s what I want to do.”

 

Disney Plans Reboot of Star Wars: The Force Awakens

force

LOS ANGELES, California – 

In what will be the quickest turn around for a remake in Hollywood history, Disney has announced plans to begin shooting a remake of their popular 2016 Star Wars: The Force Awakens.

“We made such a huge pile of money from that film, but there is always more to milk out of people,” said Disney spokesman George Richards. “We didn’t spend a billion dollars buying this property to let it sit. The script is being re-written, and the cast is being chosen as we speak. It’s going to be huge!”

The remake, which will be shot concurrently with the other films currently in production in the Star Wars universe, begins shooting this summer, with plans for a late 2018 release date. It will be the quickest any film has ever been remade by a major Hollywood studio.

“We are looking forward to re-breaking records with this release,” said Richards. “People say we’re out of ideas, but we’re not out of ideas – we just like to do the same things over and over again because people don’t like change! It will prove that undoubtedly when this movie goes on to make billions at the box office.”

Rock Concert In Maine Now Holds World Record For ‘Most Overdoses At a Public Event’

BANGOR, Maine – 

A rock concert held last week in Maine now holds the Guinness World Record for the most overdoses on drugs at any public event.

According to the Guinness Records department, a reported 387 people overdosed, and 196 of those lead to death, at a recent concert in the small Northern city. The event, which featured a performance by a “world famous rock act,” according to police, had an estimated 15,000 people attending.

“In comparison to the number of attendees, th3 fact that there were only 387 overdoses seems comparatively small, I know,” said event organizer John Maynard. “But we really struggled to reach that number. It’s against the rules for the show to hand out or sell heavy narcotics just to hit the world record, and we definitely didn’t want to spoil our chances.”

For those who attended the concert, they said it was “just another night at a rock show,” and that most people didn’t even notice the violent convulsions, vomiting, or people passing out.

“The show was too good for me to even care, dude,” said Kyle Chaplin, 26. “I heard that a shit ton of people OD’d, and that a bunch died, too. That sucks for them, seriously. But like, it’s a rock show man. Shit’s bound to happen. Cool thing was that as soon as people started passing out and shit, it made it really easy to get up front into the good seats.”

Police say that the next event they will “loosen security” in hopes that they can move the record even higher. The next biggest number of overdoses was at Lollapalooza 1997, when 264 people OD’d. In that case, only 75 ended up dead.

DISTURBING Trend On The Rise Among ‘Goth’ Teens – Snorting Blood!

NEW BRIGHTON, Pennsylvania – 

A new disturbing trend is on the rise throughout the United States, specifically among “gothic” teens – snorting the blood of friends in an effort to “become one” with them.

“It’s a new thing kids are doing – not to get high, but to has some sort of internal bond with their close friends or significant other,” said New Brighton Hospital Chief of Staff, Dr. Marvin Reece. “The problem becomes, though, that these kids are not thinking about the consequences, or the danger that can come from snorting any liquid – especially blood.”

Dr. Reece says he has treated more than a dozen cases of “blood poisoning,” where a teen has literally cut open their friend or boyfriend/girlfriend, and snorted the blood that dripped from the wound.

“Unfortunately, two of the teens have died. This is a serious issue, because aside from blood-borne diseases, there is also the very real risk – and I know how silly this sounds – of drowning in blood when they do this. It’s a liquid going into your lungs, after all.”

Teens are urged to not try and snort anything, but “especially not blood,” says Dr. Reece. “If you’re going to snort anything, please – just go back to the good ol’ normal stuff, like heroin and cocaine. Maybe some crushed adderall. Whatever you kids did before. Just stop snorting each other’s blood, okay?”

Babysitter Facing 65 Years in Prison For Inserting Toddler Into Her Vagina

CINCINATTI, Ohio – 

A 31-year old woman was admitted to the University of Cincinnati Medical Center yesterday after the 14-month old toddler she was babysitting got stuck in her vaginal cavity.

Latifah Brown reportedly called 911 and told the operator that she had “a baby stuck in her vagina.” The operator dispatched an ambulance with the report that a woman was having a home birth.

The paramedics who were dispatched say they were surprised when they arrived to the home and saw what was actually happening. Brian Whitmore, the lead paramedic on the scene, related the incident in an interview with WCNN News8Now:

“The little boy wore a diaper and pyjamas, but he had his legs and abdomen stuck up inside the woman’s vagina. It was horrifying and hilarious. Horrifying because the baby was screaming, but hilarious that this woman had a toddler hanging out of her cooter.”

The paramedics tried to release the child while still in the home, but Brown’s vagina was reportedly “too clenched,” and the pair were taken to a local hospital, where doctors spent nearly two hours surgically removing the child from Brown’s vagina. Dr. Gene Larkin, who performed the surgery, was also interviewed by WCNN:

“I don’t know how she got the child in there! We tried pulling him out, but it didn’t work. It appeared that Brown’s vagina, not use to anything being inserted into it, had clenched down on the poor baby to the point that we literally had to use the Jaws of Life to get him out.

According to the doctors, Brown’s vagina has been “completely destroyed” by the act, and they are doubtful that any number of surgeries could fix the damage. The young boy suffers from a dislocated hip, but doctors say that because of his age, he should not see any long-term effects.

Brown was interrogated by police, and eventually confessed to deliberately inserting the child in her vaginal cavity, because she was barren, and just wanted to know what it would feel like to “give birth.” Brown faces a total of 11 criminal charges, including aggravated child neglect causing bodily harm, and faces up to 65 years in prison if convicted.

Man Hospitalized After Getting Fidget Spinner Lodged in His Rectum For 37th Time

BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

A 28-year-old Boston man, who doctors call Mr. Fidgets, was hospitalized today for emergency surgery after the emergency room attending physician discovered a fidget spinner lodged in Mr. Fidget’s rectum – the 37th time they’ve treated him for the same incident.

“When he came in the first time, we kind of laughed about it,” said Dr. Mario Lambert of Boston Medical Center. “He couldn’t really explain how it happened and, frankly, we didn’t ask too many questions. Then it happened again, about 2 weeks later. Again, we didn’t really press. By the time it happened 14 and 15 times, well, we just stopped caring.”

Dr. Lambert says that he believes that Mr. Fidgets is trying to insert the toy, commonly used by children with ADHD, for sexual gratification, because he likes to have his partner insert it, then try to spin it while it’s inside.

“I can’t say that it would do a thing for me, but hey, to each their own,” said Dr. Lambert. “Problem is, this guy really needs some psychological help, but he hasn’t broken any laws. He’s an adult, and he pays his hospital bill in cash. I don’t know who this guy is or what he does for a living, but I tell you – his kinks are off the charts.”

Ship Lost in Bermuda Triangle 90 YEARS Ago Sails Into Cuban Harbor, Coast Guard Confirms

ship

TRINIDAD, Cuba – 

A ship that has been missing for over 90 years has reportedly docked in a Cuban harbor, the Cuban Coast Guard says.

The SS Cotopaxi, which has been lost at sea and all on board listed as deceased, made its miraculous return after going missing in 1925, one of the first ships that helped launch the legend of the Bermuda Triangle.

“We have no idea how or why the ship vanished, and we are even more confused at how it turned up today,” said Coast Guard chief Manuel Ferrara. “Even more bizarre is that everyone on board was alive, well, and hadn’t aged a bit. It’s a marvel of the seas, as it were. We’re just beginning to put this puzzle together.”

So far, all 43 members of the ship’s crew, as well as the captain, have been detained in a Cuban institution to be questioned and observed. The Coast Guard says they will work with authorities in other countries, including the United States, to solve the “mystery.”

17 Children Are DEAD After a Fight Breaks Out in Middle School Over Fidget Spinners

fs

LYNN, Massachusetts – 

Seventeen pre-teens, aged 11-15, are dead after a massive fight broke out at a Lynn, Massachusetts middle school over the latest craze, fidget spinners.

According to police, several children began arguing about whose fidget spinner was “the best,” and several others began pestering the first group for being “super gay,” and having fidget spinners in the first place.

“Before you knew it, we had 60 or 70 kids just attacking each other,” said Darlene McDonald, a 7th grade teacher at Lynn Middle School. “Fidget spinners were being thrown everywhere – I saw one kid take his fidget spinner between his fingers like a pair of brass knuckles, and beat another student in the face repeatedly until one of his eyes simply popped out of his head. It was gruesome, and the most disturbing thing I’ve ever seen. But if they think I’m getting involved in this shit at $14 bucks an hour, they can get real.”

Police were called to break up the melee, but by the time they arrived, 13 students had died, and another 24 were injured. Another 4 died later on due to sustained injuries.

“We had tried to ban fidget spinners in the school, but the parents, they lobbied to bring them back,” said Principal Grace Marlins. “So we let them play, knowing full well the dangers. I cannot believe that something like this happened over a $1 piece of plastic. Sad thing is, the parents still won’t let us ban them – they just want everything monitored better. It’s crazy.”

Fidget spinners are quickly become a problem in many classrooms throughout the country, with teachers calling them a “distraction” and a “time waster.”

“This just proves how dangerous they really are, though,” said McDonald. “We went through a lot of phases in my days as a teacher – slap bracelets, pogs, and then cell phones, of course. But this is the first time I’ve ever seen kids beat each other to death over a fad. This world has gone truly crazy.”

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