Morgue Employee Cremated By Mistake While Taking a Nap During His Break

morgueemployee

BEAUMONT, Texas –

48-year old Henri Paul Johnson was killed last week after he was accidentally cremated during a long shift at the Coroner’s Office Morgue.

According to police, Johnson took a nap on a stretcher after working over 16 hours, and was mistaken for another man who was killed in a car accident, and scheduled to be cremated.

Jena Davis, who was not the co-worker who cremated Johnson, says they heard him scream for a moment, but didn’t know where the sound was coming from.

“At first, we didn’t understand where the sound was coming from. When we realized what was happening, it was too late. We shut down the heating system, but he was already dead.”

Davis says that Johnson was exposed to temperatures of well over 1500 degrees Fahrenheit, and there was nothing that could have been done. A new employee, who had forgotten to check the toe tag on the body before proceeding, was blamed for the accident, but no charges have yet been filed.

 

Chuck Berry Not Actually Dead, ‘I’m Just a Heavy Sleeper’ Says Rock Legend

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ST. LOUIS, Missouri – 

Chuck Berry, the man that many people say originated modern rock ‘n’ roll music, was reported as having passed away at the age of 90 by mainstream media, and the topic was trending on Facebook and other social media sites by mid-day Saturday. As it turns out, though, the reports were false.

“Chuck is still alive and kicking, albeit with a lot less force than a few years ago,” said a friend of Berry’s, Marvin Richardson. “I was just hanging out with him last night. He played a few licks on the guitar for me, and he got a good laugh out of the fact that everyone thought he was dead. He said he was only taking a nap!”

Berry, who has a career that spans over 60 years, is the latest in what some people would refer to as a “death hoax,” but in this case, it seems that Berry is in good spirits about it and doesn’t think it was a traditional hoax.

“I don’t think anyone said I had died on purpose to fool people,” said Berry. “I think that my family, my friends, and even my doctors really thought I was dead. I do sleep really, really soundly, and sometimes I think my heart may actually be stopping. I guess this just confirms it.”

Berry will perform his 300th concert at Blueberry Hill next month, assuming he hasn’t died for real by that point.

Woman In Uganda Confirmed To Be Over 200-Years Old

UGANDA – 

A woman living in a village in Uganda has been confirmed to be over 200-years-old by genealogists, researchers, and archivists who have looked into the woman’s lineage.

The woman, who does not remember her own name, is officially the oldest person to have ever lived. She was born in the same village in Uganda she currently lives, and says she has “never left.”

“I have lived long, I am tired. I have never gone away, this is what I know,” she said. “I am happy to be here. I am not happy to be so old. Wish I was dead. All my family, they are dead. I have had 18 children, 47 grandchildren, and 163 great-grandchildren, and they are all gone now. I’m sad. Kill me, please.”

Researchers say that they have “no idea” how it’s possible that she has lived so long, but have confirmed through genetic testing that she is, indeed, 204-years-old, having been born in 1806.

Parents Arrested After It Was Found They Had Been Tattooing Their Infant

BANGOR, Maine – 

A couple has been arrested after it was reported to CPS that they were using their infant son as a “canvas” to practice their tattooing.

Kyle Bruce, 28, and his girlfriend, Felicia Rogers, 22, were taken into police custody after a neighbor in their apartment building heard “hours of a baby crying, and tattoo machines running.”

“Mr. Bruce and Ms. Rogers were arrested after we discovered that they had purchased tattoo equipment from the internet, and were practicing on their baby, 7-month-old Caleb,” said Police Chief Rick Simmons.

In Maine, purchasing and using tattoo equipment without a license is a criminal offense, and the couple added to their crimes with felony assault and endangerment of a minor.

“Their apartment was disgusting, and the child is lucky that he did not get an infection,” said Chief Simmons. “I have confirmed with doctors that Caleb is going to be okay. Sadly, he is just going to be stuck with really bad tattoos as if he were perpetually stuck in the 90s – birds, tribal tattoos, and a tear drop.”

‘Cash Me Outside’ Girl Revealed To Actually Be 45-Year-Old Man

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NEW YORK CITY, New York – 

Danielle Bregoli, better known as the “cash me outside” or “catch me outside” girl who was made famous by her atrocious behavior and fake street-girl accent on the Dr. Phil Show, has been revealed to be an actor, 45-year-old Danny Meyers.

Meyers is a YouTube sensation, who said that he started the character of Danielle on his channel, and it didn’t really catch on.

“When I took her to national TV, that’s when this entire thing really started to pay off,” said Meyers. “I really didn’t think it was going to blow up like it did, but it ended up being hilarious.”

Meyers is known for his extensive pranks and characters from his YouTube series, Pranks and Characters, and he says the character of the “cash me outside” girl just came naturally.

“I used to watch me sister and her friends get ready for a night on the town, and they ended up just spending the whole time putting on too much makeup and talking shit about boys and trying to act tough,” said Meyers. “I come from Stamford, Connecticut. There is nobody hard in Connecticut.”

Meyers appeared on the Dr. Phil Show twice as Danielle, and even went through an entire 3-week course at a camp to deter wayward youth.

“Being on that ranch was tough, I’m not going to lie. There were several times I wanted to give up, tell them it was all a joke, and move on,” said Meyers. “But I stuck it out. I figured I owed Dr. Phil that much for making me famous.”

There was no comment made from Meyers about who played Danielle’s mother on the Dr. Phil Show, or if he plans to retire the character now that he has outed himself.

Finger-Chop Challenge Spreads Across Social Media To Protest Trump

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WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The “Finger-Chop Challenge” has begun to spread across social media, with teens and college students reportedly cutting off their fingers in an effort to raise awareness about the “evils of Donald Trump” as President.

“Trump is a disgusting, sick, orange bigot,” said Maria Lambert, 19, a college sophomore at Dartmouth. “I chopped off all of my  fingers on a livestream on Facebook. I left just the middle finger on one hand, because fuck Trump, that’s why.”

Following in a dangerous trend of challenges like the cinnamon or milk gallon challenges, the new finger-chop challenge opens up an entire new world of issues for parents, as well as the teens stooping to such ignorant levels.

“My son has done the challenge 4 times, and each time, he’s cut off a new finger. He’s down to just the pinky on his left hand,” said Carl Lunger of his son, Mario Lunger, 17. “Frankly, though, I’m proud of him. He’s taking a stand against Trump, and he’s also raised a lot of awareness about Trump. Last I knew, he had over 300 views on his YouTube video.”

Health officials are warning parents, though, of the dangers of their children cutting off their own fingers for internet notoriety.

 

Woman Who Ate 3 of Her Children Released From Prison After Only 2 Years

PHOENIX, Arizona – 

A 32-year-old woman, Maria Astrana, was convicted in late 2014 of cannibalizing three of her six children, and sentenced to life in prison. Surprisingly, Astrana was released from jail today after serving just slightly over two years, thanks to a bizarre technicality and typing error.

According to lawyers, Astrana’s sentenced was cut drastically short when they filed a motion to dismiss based on a typo in her official court documents.

“Ms. Astrana’s officially written sentence was typed as ‘lif (sic) without parole,'” said her lawyer, Darius Marques, Esq. “Because of this, we took her case to a new judge, who found that her sentence could not be completely verified, and as such she would be let out of prison.”

Outrage over the decision has already begun spreading across social media, with many calling out the Governor of Arizona for allowing this to happen under his watch.

“I can’t even walk across the street outside of a crosswalk without getting a ticket, and this bitch can eat some of her kids like she’s a wild animal, and only serve two years?” said Phoenix resident Alexandra Jones. “This is crazy. They might as well just do away with laws all together. The hell with it.”

Astrana says that she has already consulted with her old job, and they plan to offer to give her back her old position. She previously worked at the Lil’ Tykes Daycare center in Phoenix.

Rapist Files Lawsuit Against His Victim, Claims Emotional Damage Because She ‘Wasn’t Into Him’

lawsuit

MIAMI, Florida – 

A man who is being accused of raping a 29-year-old woman has filed a civil lawsuit in the Miami-Dade court system, claiming the the girl was “not into it,” and thereby caused his extreme emotional harm and psychological damage.

According to public records, Mark Hemmingway, 33, has filed a lawsuit against Marissa Clarke, 29, both of Miami, after she failed to “really get into him” while he was forcibly having sex with her. The suit alleges that even though Clarke was severely intoxicated, she had been giving Hemmingway “the eyes” all night at a party, and then later passed out.

“She had been giving me those ‘fuck me’ eyes all night at a party, and then I found her later on in the bedroom,” alleges Hemmingway. “She had her shoes on still, and everyone knows that means you’re fair game, so I went at her. I knew she wanted it, because she was giving the signals earlier. Turns out, though, she’s just a dumb bitch who wasn’t into me at all. I’m not sure if anyone realizes how fragile the male ego is, but the answer is…very.”

Hemmingway is suing Clarke for a whopping $1 million dollars, claiming irreparable emotional damage. Acccording to his lawyer, Hemmingway has a “good chance” at winning his case, even if it does mean that he is admitting to the sexual assault.

Hillary Clinton Takes Game Show Hosting Gig

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NEW YORK CITY, New York – 

The former first lady and almost president, Hillary Clinton, may have disappeared from the spotlight in the weeks after the election, but apparently, the reason isn’t anything that people speculated.

According to GSN – the Gameshow Network – Clinton has been busy filming episodes of POPlitics, a new show they’ve developed featuring a mashup of questions about politics and pop-culture.

“Mrs. Clinton was our dream-get for the host of POPlitics, and we honestly never thought she’d sign on,” said game creator Mark Levine. “She was very close to winning the election and becoming the leader of the free world for a bit there, and we were in the middle of working out the game details and kinks at that point. Our backup would have been to get Paul Ryan, or maybe Weiner – someone else whose name people recognize. But, thankfully, she lost the election, and we were able to sign her on!”

Levine says that game show shoots are grueling, and that’s why Clinton hasn’t been seen for a bit.

“Game shows regularly shoot a whole week’s worth of episodes in one day, with breaks for wardrobe changes, and stuff like that,” said Levine. “Hill has been great. She has a lot of pantsuits, so it’s quick for her to just throw on a new color, and get back out there. The game really came together when she took on hosting duties. It’s going to be great!”

POPlitics will begin airing in April on GSN.

Oscars Telecast To Feature Only Black People, Minorities In Audience

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LOS ANGELES, California – 

The Oscars have been under fire for several years for not having many representatives of color appear in any of the awards categories, especially when it comes to acting awards and Best Picture.

This year, the Academy has fought back, saying that although there still aren’t many minorities represented within the awards categories, they will fill all the seats in the audience with “blacks and other minorities.”

“Normally, the seats around the stage are filled with the celebrities, who are, naturally, white people,” said Oscars telecast director Joe Lambert. “This year, the Academy wanted to do something different, so we’re having all the people who will actually win the awards – that is, the white, talented people – sit way in the back, and in the balconies. The front seats will be filled be a slew of ‘seat fillers,’ which we have every year anyway so in case George Clooney runs to the crapper, the seats all still look full on TV. This year, the difference is that every single seat filler that we hired is blacker than the ace of spades.”

When questioned about where Denzel Washington would be seated, as he actually is nominated this year for his film, Fences, Lambert said he “couldn’t be sure,” but he thought that the Academy wanted Denzel seated with the whites “this time.”

The Oscars are slated for February 26th, and will be broadcast on ABC.

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