Mom on Welfare Sues School After Being Told Her Daughter Can Only Get ONE Free Lunch a Day

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BANGOR, Maine – 

Mary Lambert is suing her daughter’s school, Bangor High School in Bangor, Maine, after a cafeteria woman made her cry by explaining she could only have “one free lunch” a day.

Amanda Lambert, 16, gets free lunch at the school due to her mother’s income, but the rules stipulate that she can only have one free meal a day.

“It’s unheard of that Amanda should not be allowed to eat as much as she wants,” said Mary Lambert, 50. “She’s a growing girl, and she needs nutrients. I’m not able to afford good food at home, and the school should be letting her pig out while she’s there. They know I’m poor, that’s why she gets free lunch. Why are they stopping her from eating.”

The school says that it doesn’t matter who the student is, they are on a budget, and students only get one meal a day.

“I understand that Amanda is fat,” said Bangor principal Joyce Mellows. “Like, abnormally fat for a 16-year-old. Perhaps she should be going outside for a walk at lunch, instead of trying to feed her fatty fat fat fat face with extra lunches. Other kids want to eat, too.”

Lambert brought a suit against the school alleging discrimination for not allowing Amanda to eat as much food as she wanted, stating it was because Amanda’s family was “too poor” to afford food that they were being denied food all together.

A lawyer for the school said the case is “stupid,” and something that “only a truly fat individual” could ever come up with.

Death Row Inmate Requests Human Cadaver As Final Meal Before Execution

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BALTIMORE, Maryland – 

A death row inmate, 39-year-old Bryan Bryant, who was found guilty of murdering 18 people in the early 2000s, reportedly requested to have a “human cadaver” as his last meal. Maryland law dictates that an inmate can ask for anything they would like to eat, and it will be served. The law does not get specific enough to say that the item must be a “normal” food item, or create provisions that would not allow certain things to be requested.

“Mr. Bryant requested to eat an entire human as his final meal before execution, and the Maryland Board of Prisons was able to prepare his request for him,” said warden Joel Higgins. “It was an odd request, for sure, and we had several protestors who said it was not a ‘good use’ for a body that was donated to science, but in the end, Mr. Bryant’s rights and wishes were not impeded.”

According to Higgins, they procured a recently deceased 47-year-old female, who died of a heroin overdose. Her name was not released to protect her family from embarrassment. Bryant was executed on Friday via lethal injection.

U.S. Government To Officially Recognize 287 Genders As Part of New Anti-Discrimination Laws

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

According to current laws, there are only two official “genders” that are legally protected in anti-discrimination laws – male and female. It would be illegal to stop a man from working at Victoria Secret, no matter how weird it would be, for example. It’s a legally protected right. That might be the most basic of the current rulings, but things are about to get a whole lot more complicated.

According to lawmakers, new anti-discrimination laws are currently being written, with the U.S. Government planning to add an additional 285 genders to their list, including “binary,” “non-binary,” “gender fluid,” “gender queer,” and many more. This is in a full attempt to make sure that everyone is included.

“We just want to make sure that everyone, no matter how stupid their personal choice, is equally protected and represented by our laws and government,” said representative John Miller, R – Delaware. “I personally think it’s retarded, but hey, what do I know? I figure whatever is between your legs right now, that’s your gender. But a lot of little pansies are getting offended and triggered by that, so we have to make changes. My 16-year-old daughter now she identifies a genderless, binary, queeratron mecharobot, but with slightly gay tendencies and a hardcore drug problem. Fuck does that even mean? That’s not a gender.”

Whether or not the people in charge of making the laws agree with them, at least they are making progress.

“Yeah, we’re doing our best. My daughter’s stupid unicorn robot fucking…shit, I’ve already forgotten. Whatever, that isn’t being included specifically, but at least we’re making strides, I guess,” said Miller. “God, this is so stupid. She’s a girl, and I’ll beat that notion right into her later.”

Congress To Enact Laws Forcing Everyone To Carry Life Insurance

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

The government has already been forcing American citizens to carry a form of health insurance, despite rising costs and crippling debt that we’re all faced with. Now, Congress plans to enact a new law that would also force everyone to have a life insurance policy.

“This is really and truly for the benefit of the people, and will only help in the long run,” said Congressman Bill Knowles. “People are dying every single day, and no one can afford to bury them. They can’t afford the funeral costs, and they can’t afford the bills left behind. By forcing everyone to have life plans, it will alleviate a lot of headaches.”

The life insurance companies say they are “thrilled” by this news, as many of them had seen a drastic decrease in sign-ups over the last several years.

“We haven’t signed anyone up for a life plan in about 6 weeks,” said Raymond Booth, owner of a small life insurance company in Idaho. “We partner with some big names, but I just can’t get anyone interested. No one wants to think about dying, and they don’t care what kind of mess they leave behind for their family. Thanks to this bill, though, I’m going to be rolling in it very soon!”

The bill is set to be voted on after winter break, when Congress resumes on January 20th.

Kanye West Sues Donald Trump For Calling Himself ‘Greatest’ Candidate

LAS VEGAS, Nevada – 

Kanye West has reportedly filed a lawsuit against Donald Trump, because Trump referred to himself as “the greatest” presidential candidate of all time. West says that is infringing on his own “best” ranking.

“Everyone knows that I’m the greatest candidate, and by Donald Trump saying that he is, it tarnished my brand,” said West, who has filed the suit in Las Vegas, where he has multiple homes. “Based on his words, he has cost me money, and for that, he’s gotta pay. He’s gotta realize that you can’t just go around making claims.”

The suit, which West says is worth around $20 million, has been called “frivolous” and “completely fucking stupid” by Trump’s lawyers.

“We have reminded Mr. West that he is not, in fact, a presidential candidate, so it would be impossible for him to be the best,” said a lawyer for Trump. “As it turns out, he doesn’t really care about logic, he’s entirely driven by ego. We’ll look forward to seeing him in court.”

Government To Increase Hunting Law Age To 21

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

In an effort to curb the use of guns by minors and children, the government has decided to increase the legal hunting age for all animals to 21 beginning in 2017. The change, they hope, will keep guns out of hands of younger and younger kids who are “getting a feel” for weaponry too early.

“After shootings at multiple schools, including a recent one where a teenager shot and killed students at an elementary school, this change in the law was a no-brainer,” said Mark Scott, a Republican Senator. “We hope to keep guns out of the hands of young children, in hopes that as they grow up, they will be less inclined to have anything to do with high-powered weaponry.”

Currently, the lowest age allowed for hunting anywhere in the United States is 8-years-old in states like New Hampshire and Maine, where children can use rifles and bows for hunting. Sidearms and pistols are already regulated to those 21 and older.

“This law will help to curb gun violence perpetrated by children. If they’re not exposed to guns, they’ll be less prone to violence and killing, and that can save lives.”

Police Shoot 5-Year-Old Black Child At His Birthday Party

police

DETROIT, Michigan – 

A noise complaint turned deadly, when officers gunned down an unarmed 5 year old at his own birthday party. The boy’s family says race must have been a factor, as they can not see any other explanation for the tragedy.

Police say they received a complaint about children laughing and playing “too loudly.”

 

“The older children- we’d had a chance to teach them when police say ‘get on the ground’ you get on the ground, whether you’re doing anything wrong or not,” said the toddler’s mother. “He was waiving his little red fire truck in the air. They told him to put it down but he just laughed. He thought they were playing. That’s when they opened fire.”

The toddler, whose name is not being released, was shot 16 times.

“I want to tell all the parents out there of dark skinned children, no matter how safe you’re neighborhood is, no matter how clean the police record is in your city, this could happen to you. These days your children are ten times more likely to die in a race-related shooting than in a housefire. Fire drills are important, but police drills – they might save your child’s life.”

Naturally, the white cop who fired the fatal shot is out on paid leave, and is not expected to face any repercussions.

Black Lives Matter Group Sued For Being Racist, Not Allowing White Members

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

A group of angry white people have filed a motion in the Supreme Court to have the Black Lives Matter movement disbanded, labelling them a hate group who stops white members from joining. The group of individuals, who at this point have not released their names, are also suing the Black Lives Matter group for an undisclosed sum.

“We are tired of being marginalized and held back because of the color of our skin,” read a statement released from the group of white, Christian men. “We wanted to help and to spread the word of the Black Lives Matter movement, but they have held us back from joining at every cost. They are not about love. They are about hate and discrimination.”

A Supreme Court judge will hear the full case on Tuesday, and is expected to determine the merits.

A formal statement from the Black Lives Matter group was received too late to include in this publishing.

Police Calling For Stricter Gun Control After Woman Shoots Intruder

gun cotrol

PORTLAND, Oregon –

Politicians say a recent incident where a woman shot an intruder in self defense is a case-in-point example of why there needs to be stricter gun control laws. A woman who returned to her Portland, Ore., home with her two children early Sunday morning shot and killed an intruder who was in the home, police said.

The woman, 33, found a stranger in the bedroom of one of her children about 1:45 a.m. PT Sunday. Police said the victim came home with her children ages 5 and 10, and armed with a handgun, she shot and killed the unknown 59-year-old man.

Police said the woman is cooperating with investigators and was not arrested. The investigation will determine whether she acted in self-defense and whether she will face charges.

Authorities say once the investigation is complete, it will be presented to the Multnomah County District Attorney’s Office for review.

An autopsy will be conducted Monday. The name of the man will not be released until his family is notified, police said.

Chief Luke Barkley says ordinary citizens should not take the law in their own hands. “The proper protocol would be to call 911 and wait for police to arrive. Don’t try to be a hero. This tragedy could have likely been avoided.”

Congress To Vote On Bill To Require Background Checks Before Purchasing Fireworks

fireworks

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

In the wake of the horrific Orlando club shooting, focus has turned once again to the issue of gun control. After democrats unsuccessfully attempted to filibuster and sit-in for tougher gun control laws, they have decided to try another angle. They hope to require background checks before people buy fireworks, in states where they are legal, and ban terrorists from buying fireworks.

A person will also be denied sale if they are a felon, fugitive, domestic abuser, undocumented immigrant, or have a legally declared mental health issue. This bill would also disallow fireworks being kept with in reach of customers.

Recently in Phoenix Arizona, Walmart customer recorded a giant burning fireworks display in an aisle. Apparently, a small group of people decided to light part of the fireworks display aflame, causing a crackling, cacophonous inferno.

“Somebody could have been killed inside that store with that fire growing as fast as it did and as bad as it could have gotten,” said Phoenix fire captain Larry Subervi.

Although fireworks are not the preferred method of terrorists, police have had fireworks shot at them, including incidents in East London, Dallas, TX and Greenville, SC. “We need to keep explosives out of the hands of terrorists. It’s as simple as that,” says one of the bill’s sponsors, Senator Patty Murray.

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