Twitter Launching New Paid Service With 200 Character Limit

Posted on June 5, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SAN FRANSISCO, California –

Twitter [NYSE: TWTR] may have finally put an end to the jokes about getting all your thoughts down in 140 characters or less, as this morning they announced their new paid service, dubbed Twit-Pro, which allows users an additional 60 characters per ‘tweet,’ bringing the total to 200.

“We are very excited to be debuting our new paid service, Twit-Pro, to the world.” Said Jack Dorsey, Chairman. “This new Twitter experience should help those micro-bloggers out there who want to say what they’re thinking and feeling, but need more than 140 characters to do it. We think it’s a huge leap forward for the Twittersphere.”

Twit-Pro, which Dorsey said will be fully integrated into existing Twitter apps for all platforms, as well as the Twitter website by the beginning of next month, will allow users the ability to pay a nominal monthly fee in exchange for the extra 60 characters when tweeting. Dorsey did not say how much they would be charging, but he did say they had worked out deals with all major U.S. cell phone carriers to allow users to bill directly to their provider.

Aside from just allowing for extra characters, Twit-Pro is also going to be offering the option of recording and posting videos into the user’s Twitter feed, with recording time up to 45 seconds.

“We wanted to take the best experiences you find on all social media, the most popular apps and websites, and combine them. We will now be allowing users to use more characters and record short video tweets, much like Vine, and embed them directly to all your followers. The days of linking and using other services to post into your Twitter feed are coming to an end. We want everything to be handled right by our own service.”

Other features announced with Twit-Pro are a song and media identifier, so you can instantly tweet the song or TV show you are watching just by letting your phone “listen” to the sounds around you, as well as a check-in feature that will let users mark down places they’ve visited with links to reviews for restaurants, movies, night clubs, or even national parks and resorts.

Twit-Pro is slated to become a live feature in the next Twitter update, scheduled for July 1st on Android, July 7th on the iPhone, and July 13th for Windows OS.

Charles Manson Granted Parole

Posted on June 4, 2014 by A. Michael Smith

Corcoran, California –

One of the most famous killers in the American prison system will soon be walking free. On Tuesday Charles Manson, who is now 79 years old, was granted parole by the California Board of Parole and authorized by California Governor Jerry Brown.

According to California Board of Parole Hearings Commissioner John Peck, prison overcrowding forced the prison board to re-evaluate prisoners that are elderly or those with serious illnesses. In February a panel of federal judges ordered California Gov. Jerry Brown (D) two more years to reduce chronic prison overcrowding that has cost the state billions of dollars.

The ruling, issued by three judges overseeing the state’s efforts to ease the overcrowding, gives California until February 2016 to achieve their goals. But, the judges said, the state has to make elderly inmates and those with serious illnesses eligible for parole immediately.

Manson, who was denied parole in April of 2012 and wasn’t scheduled for another parole hearing until 2027, was re-evaluated due to his age and health and the Parole Board recommended his parole.

“He is 79 years old and in poor health,” said Commissioner Peck. “We know it’s not going to be a popular decision but, considering our other options, he’s the least threat.”

Protesters have already planned to picket the lawn outside of the prison in Corcoran, but what is more surprising is the number of supporters that have come out to express joy over the news.

“It’s a great [expletive] day in America!” said Joe Goldsmith, who camped out in front of the prison Wednesday morning, decked out in Manson gear and sporting tattoos covering his face. “Manson is my idol”

While parole was granted, the actual release date has not yet been set.

All Prisons In Europe May Close

Posted on June 4, 2014 by A. Michael Smith

LONDON — A convicted criminal has made an astonishing complaint to the European Court of Human Rights, on the grounds that being in prison infringes his basic human rights.

Jerry Buckles, a lifelong petty crook and infamous thug, was jailed for the attempted robbery of the local supermarket where he was working. Unfortunately, when he tried to get the automatic checkout machine to give him all its cash, it refused to comply and just told him repeatedly, “Object found in bagging area”.

Buckles is now serving a 5 year term in Wormwood Scrubs, one of Britain’s worst prisons. But he has found a loophole in the Human Rights Act which may mean he is free in weeks.

“It’s quite simple,” said his lawyer Joseph Goldsmith. “The Act says that everyone has the right to liberty. There is nothing in there to say that prisoners are not included in having that right.” Mr Goldsmith has a personal interest in the outcome too, as he is Buckles’ fellow inmate.

If the pair are successful in bringing their case to the European Court, then it is possible that all prisons across the EU will have to close. However, Minister of Justice Herbert Clamp didn’t think that was likely. He said, “We have a plan of action in the event that prisons are declared illegal by the HRA. We will simply declare all prisoners to be sub-human scum – which they are – and then the Act does not apply.”

College Student Excused From Classes After Dog Eats Grandmother

Posted on June 3, 2014 by A. Michael Smith

OXFORD, OH–

A student at Miami Ohio University is receiving a lot of attention after a letter he wrote to his professor went viral.

According to the letter, the student, Joseph Goldsmith, claimed that his dog, “ate my grandmother” the night before his final exam.

The letter was thought to be a joke but it turned out that his grandmother actually was attacked and seriously injured by his dog, a pitt bull named Gator.

The seemingly absurd letter was posted online and soon went viral after photos of the grandmother covered in stitches were posted.

Emailed the distraught student to his professor:

Prof. Neudhardt,

I wont be able to make the exam today because my dog ate my grandmother, who was receiving radiation treatments and might have irradiated my dog, Gator, who is currently being hospitalized at the vet.

Can I come in on Thursday to take the exam, once my dog is released from the hospital?

Prof. Neudhardt is expected to excuse the student from the exam on Monday, pending proof of the diseased grandmother’s condition.

Cure For Cancer Discovered; ‘Amazingly Simple’ Says Researcher

Posted on June 3, 2014 by A. Michael Smith

Orono, Maine — Medical researchers at the University of Maine have discovered the long-sought cure for cancer. According to lead researcher Dr. Emma Kingston, the cure was so amazingly simple, they don’t understand how someone didn’t find it before now.
Said Kingston, “I was practically in shock. The medical community has been conducting research for literally decades trying to find the cure for cancer. And for the actual cure to be so simple. Stunning, really. And to be clear, we’re not just talking about one type of cancer here. We’re talking about all types of cancer for all people.”
Dr. Elmer Hudson, a colleague of Dr. Kingston’s, expressed some reservations at making such sweeping claims. “We need to be careful here. While yes the cure is 100% effective for most people and all types of cancer, there are still isolated instances with some types of people who have some types of cancer that the level of immediate complete remission is only 94.6%. That other 5.4% of cancer patients did not experience complete immediate remission. They all exhibited flu-like symptoms for up to 2 weeks before they were completely cured.”
Kingston went on to explain that everything needed for the cure is available at any local drugstore. In fact, according to Kingston, you can probably get most of the items at a reasonably stocked convenience store. Even Dr. Hudson admitted that a person can go to a drugstore, spend perhaps twenty dollars, go home and be completely cured in about thirty minutes.
The complete findings will be released in the next issue of The Journal Of Medical Things In Maine which is issued every two years by the University. Since the previous version came out just last month, it will be almost the full two years before the next issue.
Dr. Kingston, practically giddy, said “When our findings are made public it will change the world. And only 23 months to wait.”

Women of Duck Dynasty To Appear In Nude Calendar

Posted on June 2, 2014 by A. Michael Smith

CHICAGO — Mrs. Phil Robertson AKA Miss Kay has just announced that Willie’s wife Korie and Jase’s wife Missy have agreed to appear in a 2015 Calendar to be named The Women of Duck Dynasty.

Kay said that Jeptha’s wife Jessica, who is a model, will also be gracing the pages of the calendar.

Miss Kay spoke with Pia Confetti, a reporter with Celebrity Globe Magazine and said that the women are all very excited.

She pointed out that the photos will not be totally nude but they will be about as close to being nude as a flea’s belly button is to its mouth.

Korie Robertson said that she was told that the photo shoot will be shot by the world’s number one photographer Picasso Mandolin.

Missy at first expressed concern that she felt that she would be too bashful to shed her clothes. She confessed to her husband Jase that she did not think she could go through with it.

He then told her what she would be getting paid and she yelled out, “Hot diggity dog, now where the hell is that picture-takin’ man at?”

Jessica was on board from the very beginning. He husband Jeptha told Miss Confetti that Jess has a fantastically sexy-looking body and she is not the least bit shy about showcasing it.

SIDENOTE: Miss Kay Robertson said that a portion of the proceeds from the sale of the calendar will be donated to The Bayou State Mosquito Spraying Agency.

Joe Rogan To Fight In The UFC

Posted on June 2, 2014 by A. Michael Smith

LAS VEGAS, Nevada–

One of the favorites in the UFC community is stepping away from the microphone and heading into the octagon. According to sources within the UFC, Joe Rogan will be taking center stage in an upcoming UFC bout.

According to Rogan, the fight was scheduled due to a challenge by an un-named fighter.

“Basically, this fighter called me a bitch and said I wouldn’t step in to the ring,” said Rogan in an interview on Saturday afternoon. “So I convinced Dana [White] to let me fight and now I’m going to show this guy who the bitch is.”

Since the beginning of the UFC Rogan has been there in support, and even traveling with the organization before the company blew up. He cashed in a few favors with Dana White and now the fight is set to take center stage.

“There is a reason we have Joe on our team here in UFC, he isn’t just a personality, he is a great fighter with knowledge about the sport,” said White.

“I feel bad for the dude that called him out, because I promise Joe will knock the living shit out of him. He’s going to wish he challenged Joe in his other show Fear Factor rather than going into the octagon with him. I know I myself would rather eat a bull testicle then take a kick to the face from Rogan.”

Dana White has yet to make an official comment for the fight but it is expected that he will within the next week. A date for the event should be set sometime after.

‘Friends: The Movie’ Trailer

Posted on January 24, 2000 by Empire News

The fan-made trailer for FRIENDS: The Movie that got money-hungry NBCexecutives to green light a film based on the long-dead TV series.

The Lion King Contains Hidden SEX Messages

Posted on January 9, 2000 by Bob The Empire News Potato

In this image from The Lion King (1994), observant users have said that as Simba falls to the ground, the leaves and grass that blow into the air form the word SEX (highlighted in smaller box.) Some other fans of the film say that it spells SFX, a reference to the special effects and animation departments that worked on the film. Disney has never been a stranger to controversy about innuendos hidden in their children’s films.

The Rescuers Contains Hidden Nudity

Posted on January 9, 2000 by Bob The Empire News Potato

In The Rescuers, the 1977 Disney film about two mice searching for a kidnapped girl, a few frames of actual nudity were secretly added into the background in the form of a topless model on a poster. The movie, which features the voices of Bob Newhart and and Eva Gabor, was not the first, nor last, film to have been produced by the major children’s movie company to contain controversial background messages.