Teenagers Hijack School Bus During Riot

Posted on May 31, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

STARLIGHT, Texas –

19 year old Jacob Hicks is in custody for seizing control of a school bus during what fellow passengers describe as a riot. Tabitha Lawrence, who was injured in the altercation says it all started when the boys in the back of the bus were told to move up front.

“They were always giving the bus driver a hard time. He put the lights on and told them to shut up and refused to go up front. I didn’t see who it was but one of them threw his boot at the driver and then it was just chaos. It was like in the movies, the last day of school when everyone throws their papers in the air and goes wild, but like if everyone just started punching each other afterward.”

At that point Jacob Hicks wrestled the bus driver out of his seat and took the wheel. Other boys threw the driver from the bus as Hicks accelerated.

The bus driver, Erwin Mathis, escaped with minor injuries. He says this incident will not end his bus driving career.

“They may steal my bus but they will never take my love of driving bus away from me.”

Flour Recall After Teen Dies Of E. Coli

Posted on May 31, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The first person to die from the recent E. coli outbreak did not ingest the the tainted flour intentionally, but accidentally, when a friend threw it on him.

Kurt Haney got some flour in his mouth when a friend threw a bag of Gold Medal flour on him during an “antiquing prank,” popular on the internet with teenagers who film the prank for YouTube. Jack, who was sleeping at the time, got a significant amount of flour in his mouth, and doctors say the fact it was uncooked is likely the reason for his death. His friend’s name is not being released at this time, pending a criminal investigation. Manslaughter charges will likely be filed.

State and federal authorities have been researching 38 occurrences of illnesses across 20 states related to a specific type of E. coli (E. coli O121), between December 21, 2015, and May 3, 2016. General Mills is collaborating with health officials to investigate an ongoing, multi-state outbreak of E. coli O121 that may be potentially linked to Gold Medal flour, Wondra flour, and Signature Kitchens flour. General Mills has recalled nearly 10 million pounds of flour. So far 147 people have been hospitalized.

“Well I, for one, am pissed about it,” says Jack’s mother, Mrs. Tanae Haney. “Do you know what a bitch flour is to get out of the carpet? You can’t simply vacuum it up – oh no. I’m just outraged his friend would think he could throw flour around, as a guest in my house. He certainly won’t be invited to sleep over again.”

Rolling Stones Guitarist Proud Dad Of Conjoined Twin Girls

Posted on May 31, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LONDON, England –

Ronnie Wood, guitarist for the Rolling Stones was surprised to find his twin girls are joined at the base of their spine. Although the initial announcement, was, “The girls arrived on 30 May at 22:30 and all are doing brilliantly. The babies are perfect, ” the parents have now announced there are some complications. It is likely the birth defect is due to the advancing ages of Ronnie, 68, and Sally, 38.

Conjoined twins occur once every 200,000 live births, and their survival is anything but assured. Although more male twins conjoin in the womb than female twins, females are three times as likely as males to be born alive.

Wood is a proud dad nonetheless, and says doctors say they are confident the girls will be able to be separated. “Surgery will be bloody expensive. At this rate me and the boys will never stop touring. It’s not that we don’t want to retire. Every time we’re about to call it quits, one of us has something come up.”

Sally says they will not be releasing pictures, as she does not want the girls to be looked at as some oddity. She says they will not be having any more children after the girls.

“I told Ronnie to pull out. He can’t help himself when he gets so hopped up on Viagra and cocaine. And then I find out it’s twins. We’re so blessed to have them, but by the time they’re 10 their dad will likely have passed on.”

Obama Makes Use Of Words ‘Negro,’ ‘Oriental’ Illegal

Posted on May 30, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Obama has signed into law H.R. 4238, which modernizes terms in specified statutes related to minorities, and makes it illegal to use words such as “negro” or “oriental.”

What this means for businesses or charities that use the words, such as the long-standing United Negro College Fund, is that they have to immediately change their names to “approved” names, before they may continue to do business. For individuals, it means that they are no longer legally allowed to use the words in public, lest they be fined or arrested.

“It used to be that I could say whatever I wanted, goddamn Freedom of Speech guaranteed that,” said Republican voter Mario Simmons. “Obummer has been taking my rights away for 8 years, and now he’s talking about what I can and can’t say? That negro is half oriental his self! He’s slamming his own half-breed people by doing this.”

“Updating words to be more respectful of cultures and ideas is something that everyone should get behind,” said President Obama. “I am happy to be the president who has helped put an end to racism.”

Bernie Sanders Says He Will Completely Forgive Student Loans If Elected

Posted on May 30, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Americans who are under the financial strain of repaying student loan debt may soon be off the hook for their education costs. Presidential candidate Bernie Sanders says that if elected, he will sign a new federal bill releasing any student who has accrued outstanding debt because of the high interest rates and outrageous balances caused by college loans.

“Any student, past or present, who has taken loans from the federal government within the last 10 years to pay for higher education, would no longer be required to pay back those loans,” said Bernie Sanders. “This forgiveness would also be extended to any student currently enrolled in college, who may need financial assistance for the next several years as they finish their degrees.”

The idea of student loan forgiveness has been in the news for several years now, as students are forced year-after-year to leave school due to crippling costs of a higher education in the US. With most students not able to afford any facet of college without loans, the government has given out nearly $1 trillion dollars to those seeking a form of higher education. Although certain costs of school are generally offset by private loans, grants, and scholarships, almost every student currently in a 2 or 4-year program has some existing loans with the US government.

“Education is the single most important thing in my mind when it comes to furthering this great nation,” said Sanders. “I can think of no better way to help the young people, this next generation of thinkers and doers, than by helping them to stand on their feet more firmly, and to give them some hope that they can and will receive their degrees, and they can work towards a future for themselves and their families, and not just a future of paying back debt.”

Even while the government has decided to forgive loans from the public sector, private held companies such as Sallie Mae, the leading lender for higher education, still has sky-high interest rates and non-budging repayment schedules. With close to $1 billion in net income every year, Sallie Mae has stated that they are not interested in following suit with the governments plan for loan forgiveness.

“We are a private company, and private lenders. We have no interest in not pursuing every possible avenue to squeeze every penny we can out of our borrowers,” said Carla Edwarton, CEO of Sallie Mae. “Education is important to us, but paying back your loans are what we care about. We aren’t loan sharks, we aren’t going to break your kneecaps if you don’t pay, as much as we would like to…[But] you can bet we love making all that sweet, sweet high-interest rate cash.”

Miami To Create Texting Lane On Highways For Millennial Drivers

Posted on May 29, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

MIAMI, Florida –

Only in Florida.

The Miami-Dade Expressway Authority (MDX) announced today that it has plans to create a bumpered “texting lane” along the Dolphin Expressway, according to Miami news site The Plantain.

“This is a necessary step we must take as a community to ensure public safety,” said MDX spokeswoman Anne Hinga, noting that educational campaigns about the dangers of texting while driving have failed to curb the ubiquitous behavior.

“Our roads are filled with millennials raised in front of a cellphone screen. We cannot realistically expect these young drivers not to text and drive,” said Ms. Hinga. “The bumpered texting lane is our attempt to mitigate the dangers of texting while driving and is a plan that we believe will save thousands of lives.”

President Obama Signs Law Making It Illegal To Smoke In Cars With Underage Passengers

Posted on May 29, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Starting in October 2016, it will be illegal to smoke in a car (or other vehicles) with anyone under 18 present. The law is being created to protect children and young people from the dangers of secondhand smoke.

Both the driver and the smoker could be fined $80 each. The law applies to every driver in the entire country, and to any private vehicle that is enclosed wholly or partly by a roof. It still applies if people have the windows or sunroof open, have the air conditioning on, or if they sit in the open doorway of the vehicle. The law won’t apply to a convertible car with the roof completely down.

“Children breathe faster than adults so they are much more exposed to the dangers of second-hand smoke. Their airways, lungs and immune systems are still developing so are much more at risk from harm,” said President Obama. “We want children to grow up free from harm and we need parents to understand why smoking in vehicles is so dangerous. 80% of smoke is invisible so even if you think you are being careful you cannot see where the smoke is going.”

Big Tobacco said that they are “not worried” about the law, and that their steady sales will continue.

“People will just smoke in other places now, like in their homes, continually blowing smoke in the faces of their children,” said Marlboro spokesman Mario Luigi. “It’s how I grew up, and I’m totally fine.”

At 96 Heimlich Performs His Own Maneuver; Says ‘Life Is Complete’

Posted on May 29, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CINCINNATI, Ohio –

Dr. Henry Heimlich, 96, used the Heimluch maneuver to save Patty Ris, 87, at Deupree House in Cincinnati, and the famous doctor says his life is now complete and he can die happy.

Dr.Heimlich didn’t hesitate. When a fellow diner started choking, the 96-year-old was ready to perform the maneuver that he invented. Perry Gaines, an employee of the Deupree House, who had in fact performed the Heimlich maneuver before, ran toward her table, eager to be a hero, but Dr. Heimlich pushed him out of the way.

“She was sitting in the chair and I turned her around and put my arms around her and pushed below the ribcage. After three compressions this piece of meat came out. It felt wonderful. I had been holding on for this moment, waiting on it my entire life, you could say. I wasn’t about to let some young stud take my moment,” Dr. Heimlich said, referring to the employee who tried to get between him and his moment of glory. “It is a culmination of my life’s work. Now I can die happy…and I have quite a bit of money from Heimlich maneuver royalties, so if anyone can refer me to a nice Kevorkian, I’d tip well. Being this old is worse than I could have imagined. Really I was not doing Patty any favors, saving her life. ”

You Won’t Believe The Scam That These People Fell For

Posted on May 29, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

COLUMBUS, Ohio –

Across the nation people have reported receiving scam calls that falsely suggest they are in trouble with the IRS. In a recent twist to the old scam, that most people would find ludicrous, cons are asking consumers to pay off their debt in iTunes gift cards.

Ohio Attorney General Mike DeWine is warning consumers to beware of callers who claim to represent the IRS and ask for payment via iTunes gift cards, after 10 Ohioans recently reported losing between $1,000 and $11,500 to the ploy.

The victims were told to purchase iTunes gift cards, often worth $500 each, to resolve the supposed tax problem. After buying the cards, the victims were instructed to read the numbers on the back of the cards over the phone, and assured that this was a more secure method of payment because they were not giving out their credit card or checking information over the phone. Scammers then drained the cards’ funds, making it nearly impossible for the victims to recover the money.

“Obviously the IRS is not going to call you unexpectedly and demand that you pay off tax debt using an iTunes card,” Attorney General DeWine said. “This is not how the IRS operates. But some people are just dumb. We’re encouraging people with sense to talk to friends, family, and neighbors about this.”

J.K. Rowling: ‘Ron and Hermione Will Divorce In Harry Potter Sequel’

Posted on May 29, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LONDON, England –

Harry Potter fans are shocked by JK Rowling’s announcement that Ron and Hermione divorce in the new book. The official sequel, Harry Potter and The Cursed Child, focuses on Potter’s child, Albus Severus. It will be released as both a play and a book on July 31st.

Harry Potter is now “an overworked employee of the Ministry of Magic, a husband and father of three school-age children. Although the focus is on the Potter family, Ron and Hermoine rejoin the hero to fight the forces of evil, while going through a heated divorce and custody battle.”

“I rushed the ending a bit, didn’t think through the epilogue, and now I have some major regrets,” says Rowling. In the epilogue to Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, which is set 19 years later, it’s revealed that Harry married Ginny Weasley, Ron’s sister, and they have three children. Ron and Hermione have two kids together. The author says, “Hermione and Ron should have never ended up together. Opposites may attract, but it usually doesn’t last. I will be undoing a great injustice to the characters and fans.”

Conservative Christian groups have announced their plans to continue to boycott the books based on moral grounds. Harry Potter Fanclub member, Kelly Slater says she feels the new developments are true to life. “Ron leaves Hermione for some younger, hotter bitch. Kids need to learn that it happens in the wizarding world and it happens in real life.”