Congress To Vote On Bill To Require Background Checks Before Purchasing Fireworks

Posted on June 28, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

In the wake of the horrific Orlando club shooting, focus has turned once again to the issue of gun control. After democrats unsuccessfully attempted to filibuster and sit-in for tougher gun control laws, they have decided to try another angle. They hope to require background checks before people buy fireworks, in states where they are legal, and ban terrorists from buying fireworks.

A person will also be denied sale if they are a felon, fugitive, domestic abuser, undocumented immigrant, or have a legally declared mental health issue. This bill would also disallow fireworks being kept with in reach of customers.

Recently in Phoenix Arizona, Walmart customer recorded a giant burning fireworks display in an aisle. Apparently, a small group of people decided to light part of the fireworks display aflame, causing a crackling, cacophonous inferno.

“Somebody could have been killed inside that store with that fire growing as fast as it did and as bad as it could have gotten,” said Phoenix fire captain Larry Subervi.

Although fireworks are not the preferred method of terrorists, police have had fireworks shot at them, including incidents in East London, Dallas, TX and Greenville, SC. “We need to keep explosives out of the hands of terrorists. It’s as simple as that,” says one of the bill’s sponsors, Senator Patty Murray.

Smoke From Wildfires Expected To Cause Thick Haze Across Entire Country

Posted on June 28, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CALIFORNIA –

Scorching heat and tinder-dry conditions across the west have contributed to massive wildfires in the past week that have destroyed properties and sent residents to seek shelter and hope for the best. Even those who do not live in areas affected by wildfires will likely still be impacted as the smoke disperses and causes record levels of haze across the United States.

Several large wildfires in the United States are producing smoke that is being transported for hundreds of miles. The National Weather service has posted Red Flag Warnings for areas in California and Wyoming, saying the smoke may be so bad it blocks out the sun in some areas. Residents as far as Utah have seen thick black smoke traveling from California.

According to Bill Gabbert of Wildfire Today, the real problem is the pollution. “Wildfire smoke tends to bind with other smog particles like sulfur oxides, car exhaust, and ozone. This weights the smoke down, making it a slow moving menace.”

Although the haze will be significant, it will be high enough in the atmosphere that people will notice the obscured sun, but not be affected by the pollution.

Irate Americans Demand That Country Also Leave The EU

Posted on June 27, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Britain’s stunning vote to leave the European Union is both historic and world-changing, but what does it really mean for Americans living on the other side of the Atlantic? Potentially, everything — the economy, national security, even the race for president will be affected.

Some Americans are now demanding that the United States follow suit and leave the EU.

Long distance trucker and self-proclaimed patriot, George Holt, says that Americans need to be independent from the rest of the world. “I been driving back and forth cross America for nearly 20 years, and I’m telling you things have changed. We need to be our own nation and stop all these damn Mexicans and Muslims from coming here to live off my tax dollars. If we leave the EU, our borders will be secure and our land will be ours again.”

Disability recipient, Janet Hagelund says America should leave the EU immediately. “Did you know the United States is required to pay a tax to them? And they want to control everything. More people should educate themselves about what really is going on…Plus they’re a bunch of socialists.”

When Hagelund was asked if she meant the UN, not the European Union, she admitted she had been mistaken. “Yeah, them guys,” said Hagelund.

Trump Promises To Release Sex Tape Of Melania If Elected

Posted on June 27, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Losing points in the polls has caused Donald Trump to get creative. Trump has promised that if he gets elected, not only will he build a wall between the US and Mexico, and create new jobs, but he will release a pornographic tape featuring his wife.

Unlike most first ladies, Melania Trump is a former model known for posing and looking pretty. Previous first ladies have been known for standing by their presidential hubbies while working with the public on projects important to them. Melania has previously said that she see’s herself as more of supportive role to her husband and more hands off in the politics realm.

“I’m totally fine with it. I don’t want to actually do any of the drab first lady duties, Consider this my civic duty, after which I will return to my New York City Penthouse,” said Melania. “Whatever Donnie-Don wants me to do.”

Since she has a past rooted in modeling, Melania has several racy photos circulating the internet including a photo of her in a gold bathing suit while 7 months pregnant with her only child back in the early 2000’s. She even posed mostly nude for GQ before being married to Trump.

As the years go by, and new first ladies are introduced, they grow in their modern style. Though Melania Trump is an ex model, she says that her current First Lady style will be aligned with classic first ladies like Jackie Onassis – with a little bit of Marilyn Monroe thrown in.

Child Kills Parents With Axe After They Turn Off Internet As Punishment

Posted on June 25, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

REGINALD, Maryland –

A 12-year-old boy has been arrested and taken into policy custody for allegedly killing his parents with an axe on Thursday evening.

Caleb Dryer was reportedly upset with his parents after they turned off the home internet when Caleb brought home his final report card with several failing grades.

“Those assholes know I can’t live without Facebook, and it wasn’t fair. If I can’t live without getting online, then they don’t get to live at all,” Caleb reportedly said to police.

So far, officers have not released much information on the murders, except to say that they were “gruesome and shocking.”

Attorney John Frugal, who is representing the state in the case against Caleb, says that his remorseless attitude will very likely land him a life sentence.

Home Depot Founder Vies to Become Official Sponsor of Mexico-America Wall, Endorses Trump

Posted on June 18, 2016 by A. Michael Smith

Is there some rule out there we don’t know about that states that founders of major DIY retail chains have to get involved in politics eventually? We saw that the people behind Hobby Lobby were all too eager to jump out of their lane (craft supplies) when the moment arose, and now and it is becoming clear that they learned by watching the founder of Home Depot, who just can’t stay out of the political arena (made in part, presumably, withPremium Birrill Fir Studs).

Bernie Marcus wrote a piece for Real Clear Politics to announce that he is supporting Donald Trump. Granted, he is a home improvement store founder, so no one really asked him, but he did it, we have it, and we are moving forward with the new information now. If someone were to ask me, I’d say he’s just doing the same thing people speculated Ben Carson and Chris Christie might have been doingwhen they came out in favor of Trump. In the same way there were rumors that Carson and Christie were simply gunning for a chance at being vice president or getting into Trump’s cabinet, I think Marcus just wants to make sure that if Trump gets the presidency, Home Depot becomes the Official Sponsor of the Mexico-America Wall.

Anyway, asking yourself what Marcus’ reasoning is? Here are a few snippets.

A plug for the American Dream/Home Depot came first:

But I draw even more from lessons learned when we founded The Home Depot in 1978 rather than from the contentious GOP primary of 2016. I genuinely believe that if we to started The Home Depot today, we would fail because of the hurdles government, especially the current administration, places in front of small business owners. I never forget The Home Depot’s small business roots – we started as a small business with four stores in Atlanta, Georgia.

Next came a just-because sort of attack on media and academia:

Politicians like Obama and Clinton, aided by the media and academia, have peddled a dangerous sentiment that government can provide for Americans better than the private sector.

That shade on media and academia came amidst glorification of the job creation inherent in the founding of small businesses. Note that Marcus took time to praise his employees who have been able to get wealthy without college degrees, but in one quick statement, took a swipe at everyone who works at a university, lab, library, newspaper, television station, etc. So, are jobs really the main focus here at all?

He concluded by targeting the #NeverTrump Republicans:

As a GOP donor who stood steadfastly behind Jeb Bush– and who has contributed to candidates for a generation – I urge all Republicans to stand up and be counted in support for Donald Trump.

In time, we will surely learn the political inclinations of every founder, mogul, and, in Marcus’ words, “young [man willing] to shag carts from a parking lot because he has faith that he and his family can be great.” Marcus is just one of the first of many this election season.

In conclusion, make repainting your living room for the ninth time because you’re so bored and lonely that it physically hurts and maybe a sea-foam green accent wall will fill the void your ex-girlfriend left great again or something.

VIA Mediaite

Activists Protest Alligator Euthanasia; Parents Of Snatched Toddler Accused Of ‘Letting It Happen’

Posted on June 15, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

ORLANDO, Florida –

Some 50 wildlife specialists — including a trained alligator trapper — are combing a lake Wednesday at a Disney World resort hotel looking for a 2-year-old boy who was snatched by a seven or eight-foot alligator while wading on the beach. The boy was grabbed Tuesday evening while playing in about a foot of water at the Seven Seas Lagoon at the Grand Floridian Hotel with his father Tuesday evening.

Four alligators have been removed from the lagoon and are being tested for human remains, after being euthanized. Activists are protesting the actions of the Florida Fish and Wildlife agency, saying that innocent alligators should not be sacrificed to recover remains of the toddler.

National Wildlife Refuge Association (NWRA) representative, Shawn Powers blames the parents. “I am sickened by the attack on alligators following the tragic loss of the toddler at Disney. First it was the Cincinnati Zoo gorilla and now these innocent alligators. People are invading their habitats. That boy had no place in the gorilla pen, and these shouldn’t have let that toddler near the lagoon. There were signs saying ‘no swimming,’ but they let the boy play in the water anyway. I think they let it happen. They let the boy get taken by the alligator. It’s sick what people will do for 15 minutes of fame, and think of all the money they stand to make on their GoFundMe page.”

Others say all alligators should be exterminated. Although the species was endangered a few years ago, the population has exploded to 1.5 million gators. “This was a man made lagoon,” says Orange County Sheriff Jerry Demings. “Gators have no respect for borders. They’re worse than the damn Cubans that way.”

Walt Disney World has been aiding in the search. Although they took all conceivable precautions, and do not admit accountability, they will be offering an all expenses paid trip for the family to Disney Land. “We understand they will probably not want to visit Disney World again, after the tragedy, but we would like to give their family the opportunity to make new memories at Disney Land, a later date. Our thoughts are with the family at this time,” says Disney representative Michelle Broder Van Dyke.

Orlando Shooter Omar Mateen Was Very Likely An Angry, Closeted Homosexual

Posted on June 15, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

ORLANDO, Florida –

Omar Mateen, the gunman who perpetrated the deadliest mass shooting in the history of the United States early Sunday morning, has reportedly been exposed as a closeted homosexual. As news has come out, it has been alleged that Mateen killed 50 people at a gay club named Pulse, in Orlando, Florida as a show of rampant homophobia that was compensating for his raging homosexuality.

Mateen had been seen at Pulse many times over recent years, and had even been known to use gay dating apps. Sitora Yusufiy, Mateen’s first wife, who says he was often abusive to her, told the New York Daily News that when they wed in 2009, he told her his life had previously included frequent clubbing.

Yusufiy and her fiance, Marcio Dias, appeared on Brazilian television yesterday and told the channel that “Yusufiy told him Mateen had ‘gay tendencies’ and had been called gay in front of her on several occasions by his father.”

In another interview with one of Mateen’s classmates from 2006, a period when both were enrolled in a Florida police academy, the classmate spoke anonymously with Orlando’s WFTV9, telling the station that Mateen had once asked him out on a date.

“We went to a few gay bars with him,” the classmate said, “and I was not out at the time, so I declined his offer. The classmate told the paper he thought the killer, who pledged allegiance to ISIS before the shooting spree at the nightclub, was “gay and in the closet.”

“Unfortunately, he couldn’t come out. Whether it was because of his family, his faith, or some other reason, I don’t know,” said another classmate. “All I do know is that no one has that much hatred of gay people unless they secretly want to have a dick slapped in or around their mouth. He may have called 911 to publicly confess his allegiance to ISIS, but alone in the dark, there is no doubt in my mind he was pledging his allegiance to dick.”

FDA To Ban Fentanyl After Prince’s Overdose

Posted on June 5, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The powerful opiate fentanyl may be taken off the market following the death of Prince as well as the increase in opiate drug deaths across the nation. A bill may change fentanyl to a schedule I drug, meaning that it is both highly addictive and has no legitimate medical use. Other schedule I drugs include heroin, LSD, and marijuana. Fentanyl is currently a schedule II drug, meaning that while there is danger of abuse, it can be prescribed under controlled conditions.

“It’s clear the fentanyl is out of our control, ”argues bill sponsor, Representative Marcy Kaptur. “Deaths are up 500% in Ohio. They have tripled in last year.” Supporters of the bill argue that the drug is just too strong. Fentanyl is 50 times more potent than heroin and 100 times more than morphine.

Fentanyl is used to manage moderate to severe pain, usually in people who have chronic pain, and as a last resort. Fentanyl is often used when other pain medicines no longer work.

“Yeah, a few cancer patients might not get their fentanyl fix, but we can’t afford to lose any more pop sensations. They are the glue that keeps this country together. Didn’t Michael Jackson die from this stuff? Well, maybe it was his time. He was a little sick. But Prince – that great man had even turned to the lord,” says Mothers Against Drug Addicts (MADA) member, Tracy Leveque. “Junkies are one thing. They’re pretty well useless. But when a beloved musician or actor overdoses, it’s time to change the legislation.”

Obama Makes Use Of Words ‘Negro,’ ‘Oriental’ Illegal

Posted on May 30, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Obama has signed into law H.R. 4238, which modernizes terms in specified statutes related to minorities, and makes it illegal to use words such as “negro” or “oriental.”

What this means for businesses or charities that use the words, such as the long-standing United Negro College Fund, is that they have to immediately change their names to “approved” names, before they may continue to do business. For individuals, it means that they are no longer legally allowed to use the words in public, lest they be fined or arrested.

“It used to be that I could say whatever I wanted, goddamn Freedom of Speech guaranteed that,” said Republican voter Mario Simmons. “Obummer has been taking my rights away for 8 years, and now he’s talking about what I can and can’t say? That negro is half oriental his self! He’s slamming his own half-breed people by doing this.”

“Updating words to be more respectful of cultures and ideas is something that everyone should get behind,” said President Obama. “I am happy to be the president who has helped put an end to racism.”