Unborn Baby Becomes Pregnant While Still Inside The Womb

Posted on June 23, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PORTLAND, Oregon –

A pregnant woman in Portland, Oregon was hospitalized this week with extreme stomach pains, and doctors were shocked at what they discovered.

Mary Lambert, who is 8 months pregnant, went to Silverstein Memorial Hospital in Portland when she thought she might be going into labor. Doctors examined her, and initially could not figure out what was causing Lambert’s pain. After an ultrasound to check on her baby, they were taken aback to find that her unborn daughter was also pregnant.

“I have never in my life seen anything like this.” Said Dr. Joseph Goldsmith, a pediatric surgeon at Silverstein. “I don’t think anyone has. This is the first time that an unborn baby has become impregnated. It’s so far beyond rare that we didn’t know it was possible.”

Up until now, the youngest person to ever become pregnant was Lina Medina, a Peruvian girl who was just under 6 years old when she gave birth. Doctors were shocked at Medina’s diagnosis at the time, but it was later discovered that she had entered into Precocious puberty, which is a rare disorder that causes puberty in extremely young children. It won’t be possible to test Lambert’s unborn daughter for Precocious puberty until she is born. Even if she is found to have the rare disorder, it will still make her the youngest person to ever become pregnant.

Lambert and her husband, Carl, are naturally very worried about the safety of their baby.

“Doctors told us it was safe to have sex while I was pregnant. Several of my girlfriends told me that they did, and there were no problems at all.” Said Lambert. “We never thought this would happen. Carl is going to be a dad, and a grandpa all at once? I don’t – I mean, who can understand all this? I just worry that my baby won’t make it. Even if she does, I’m too young to be a grandmother.”

Lambert’s doctors say, unbelievably, that both babies seem to be very healthy. When Lambert gives birth to her baby next month, she will be about 6 months pregnant, and is looking at spending her first several months of life in the hospital as doctors determine how best to handle the situation.

“At this point, we don’t know whether Mary’s daughter will survive if she continues to sustain another life inside her.” Said Goldsmith. “All we know is that this is a very rare, very unusual case, and we are taking it day-by-day. So far, Mary and babies are doing fine.”

Chemist Stephanie Kwolek To Be Buried In Kevlar Casket

Posted on June 22, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WILMINGTON, Delaware –

Stephanie Kwolek, the famed chemist who invented kevlar, died earlier this week at age 90. Over 50 years ago while working for DuPont Chemicals, Kwolek invented the solution that could be spun into the exceptionally strong fibers that are now used worldwide in police and military protective equipment. Her last request was that she be buried in a coffin made of the material that made her famous.

“Policemen and women around the world have been made safer from kevlar for years.” Said Kwolek in an interview only a few short months ago. “When I die, I want to have them make my casket out of kevlar, so that I can be protected in the afterlife.”

The DuPont corporation has fronted the entire cost for Kwolek’s funeral, including building a custom casket designed especially for Kwolek.

“We want Mrs. Kwolek to rest comfortably, and we are going to follow her wishes.” Said Ellen Kullman, chairman of DuPont Chemicals. “It’s the least we could do for a woman who brought so much to our company and to the safety of people throughout the world.”

Kwolek’s casket is being designed by DuPont’s top engineers, and will feature a body made entirely of spun kevlar, and adorned with 14k gold handles. She is also being buried wearing a bulletproof vest and full kevlar body armor.

“You never know what may come for you in the afterlife.” Said Kwolek. “I’m going to be ready for whatever the next realm throws my way.”

CDC Blames Anti-Vaxxers For Massive Resurgence of Whooping Cough

Posted on June 18, 2014 by Rab

LOS ANGELES, California –

Pertussis, also known as whooping cough, has made a hefty resurgence lately, infecting people on epidemic proportions. Whooping cough, while not generally serious in adults, can be very deadly in infants and toddlers. The CDC has stated that they are blaming the anti-vaccination movement for the recent outbreaks of mumps, measles, and now Pertussis, across the United States.

“It’s amazing to me, with all the scientific proof debunking the whole vaccination-causes-autism issue, and all of the other issues people are saying vaccinations cause, that people still refuse to vaccinate their children.” Said Thomas Frieden, Director of the CDC, in a recent interview. “Herd immunity, as it were, only works when 80% of the herd is vaccinated. The less people vaccinate, the more they expose everyone. These ‘anti-vaxxers’ need to stop living in the past, and read a science journal or book once in a while. And I don’t mean one written by Jenny McCarthy.”

“The problem with vaccines is that they are made with, um… heavy metals.” Says pop icon Adam Levine, a proponent of the anti-vaccination movement, who speaks on the topic as though he has no idea what he’s talking about. “I don’t have kids, but if I did I would make damn sure I didn’t let a doctor stick them with that poison. I would rather take my chances than hurt my hypothetical kids.”

When asked where he got his information on the topic, which is completely made up, Levine said that he got it when he read Jenny McCarthy’s book.

“It was extremely eye-opening.” Said Levine. “It kept me up at night, scared that I might have kids someday, and they might get vaccinated, and they might get autism.”

“The problem I have with people reading Mrs. McCarthy’s book is that some people who read it are stupid enough to believe it. The ‘science’ she quoted was debunked years ago, and the man who did the actual ‘research’ was stripped of his licenses for falsifying his stats and making fraudulent claims.” Says Frieden. “These people need to realize the only way to significantly deter these diseases from spreading is by vaccinating, both themselves and their children. I am the director of the freaking CDC for crying out loud. Who should you believe? It’s my job to deter epidemics and solve any national disease-related crisis. For some reason, there are still people who choose to believe an ex-softcore porn star, with no scientific or medial training, who uses her autistic child as a scapegoat and rallying point, over me and other medical experts.”

With the rise of the anti-vaxxers reaching extremely high proportions, the fright of a looming epidemic will always be on our horizons.

“[Adam] Levine was right on several counts. He might have kids, and they might get autism after he possibly gets them vaccinated. Then again, on that logic, he might have kids, and they might get a splinter and he might not do anything about it and it might become infected and his child might die.” Said Frieden. “The funny thing is, that is more likely to happen than his child having autism from vaccinations. Hopefully people will come to their senses and realize even if there were problems with the vaccines, which there aren’t, it would be less of a risk than your child dying from some other entirely unrelated disease.”

Woman Gives Birth, Confuses Doctors By Asking For Maternity Test

Posted on June 14, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BILOXI, Mississippi –

A Biloxi woman gave birth to a baby boy late Friday evening, and confused doctors by immediately asking for a maternity test. Sarah Keller, 26, said that she didn’t believe that she was the mother of the baby, and wanted a maternity test to prove that she wasn’t.

“My boyfriend and I always use condoms, or he pulls out. There’s no way that I’m the mother.” said Keller. “I thought that Joe had been cheating on me, and now I can get all the proof I need.”

Keller said that her boyfriend, Joe Camden, also 26, and her had been together for 4 years and had never even had a pregnancy scare before she found out she was pregnant last November. When she got the news, Keller said she became enraged, and told Camden that she knew he had been sleeping around.

“I don’t know why she thinks I’ve been cheatin’.” Said Camden. “I’ve been as faithful to her as eggs are to chickens.”

Through an odd series of events, testing done by the hospital actually showed that Camden was not the father of the baby. When the hospital told her the news, Keller seemed confused.

“That’s not possible. He’s definitely the father.” Said Keller. “I screwed around with a few guys when Joe and I was on a little ‘break’ we took last year. But them guys weren’t my boyfriends, so they couldn’t have gotten me pregnant.”

Doctors calmly explained to Keller how reproduction worked, and that it was impossible that she wasn’t the mother. They then immediately contacted the Mississippi State Child Welfare Department. They also reached out to eight men who Keller reluctantly named as the ones she had been with while temporarily separated from Camden. They hope to discover true paternity in the next few weeks.

New Study Proves Everyone Is At Least Slightly Gay

Posted on June 7, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PIEDMONT, North Dakota –

A new scientific study performed by a private medical team at Massasoit General Hospital in Piedmont, North Dakota has proven that 100% of people have at least a little bit of gay in them.

“It doesn’t matter if you’re male, female, or a eunuch,” Said Professor Neil Louis, head of HumanZone, INC., the privately-held medical research company that performed the study. “Through many years of testing, research, development, and a tiny bit of trial-and-error, we have discovered the actual strain in human DNA that causes homosexuality. [And] these tests conclude that everyone, no matter who they are, has at least a small amount of that strain in them.”

It has long been known, although argued vehemently by bigots and religious zealots, that homosexuality is a trait that is developed while a person is still in the fetal state, being born homosexual or heterosexual. With this knowledge, Professor Louis and his team were able to discover exactly at what stage of the pregnancy a person “becomes” homosexual. Once they discovered this timeframe, they used that knowledge to find the actual DNA gene itself. They were then startled to discover that in every sample they had, whether it was from people who identified as straight or as homosexual, they could find at least some part of that same strain.

“It’s all extremely complicated,” said Louis. “I don’t expect that a layperson would understand it. When our research is published in the Boston Medical Journal of Research next month, anyone will be able to peruse our findings.”

What this means for people as whole, according to Louis, really amounts to nothing at all.

“This is not going to change any person’s day-to-day life. Knowing that you have a little gay in you, so what? What does that matter? Is there something wrong being gay? I mean, do people still think that in this day and age? What’s the matter with them? Who cares?”

In his findings, the professor and his team discovered that there were different “levels” of homosexuality, as they referred to them. Just as the stereotypes you can imagine of homosexuals, portrayed in TV and movies as anything from extremely flamboyant with female qualitites to men still repressing their sexuality, the study actually showed that the more a man claims to despise homosexuals, the more of the homosexual strain they would find in him.

“Men who we tested who considered themselves to be homophobic, or even overtly hostile towards homosexuals, were found to have the MOST amounts of homosexual DNA strains in them. I guess it does prove true the old adage that the more someone hates gay people, the more they really are repressing their own desires for some hot man-on-man action.”

Curiously, the study was not performed on any women.

“Oh, we didn’t bother studying women. Everyone already knows that all it takes to get a woman to have gay tendencies is a couple vodka and Red Bull martinis.”

Cure For Cancer Discovered; ‘Amazingly Simple’ Says Researcher

Posted on June 3, 2014 by A. Michael Smith

Orono, Maine — Medical researchers at the University of Maine have discovered the long-sought cure for cancer. According to lead researcher Dr. Emma Kingston, the cure was so amazingly simple, they don’t understand how someone didn’t find it before now.
Said Kingston, “I was practically in shock. The medical community has been conducting research for literally decades trying to find the cure for cancer. And for the actual cure to be so simple. Stunning, really. And to be clear, we’re not just talking about one type of cancer here. We’re talking about all types of cancer for all people.”
Dr. Elmer Hudson, a colleague of Dr. Kingston’s, expressed some reservations at making such sweeping claims. “We need to be careful here. While yes the cure is 100% effective for most people and all types of cancer, there are still isolated instances with some types of people who have some types of cancer that the level of immediate complete remission is only 94.6%. That other 5.4% of cancer patients did not experience complete immediate remission. They all exhibited flu-like symptoms for up to 2 weeks before they were completely cured.”
Kingston went on to explain that everything needed for the cure is available at any local drugstore. In fact, according to Kingston, you can probably get most of the items at a reasonably stocked convenience store. Even Dr. Hudson admitted that a person can go to a drugstore, spend perhaps twenty dollars, go home and be completely cured in about thirty minutes.
The complete findings will be released in the next issue of The Journal Of Medical Things In Maine which is issued every two years by the University. Since the previous version came out just last month, it will be almost the full two years before the next issue.
Dr. Kingston, practically giddy, said “When our findings are made public it will change the world. And only 23 months to wait.”