Black Lives Matter Group Sued For Being Racist, Not Allowing White Members

Posted on July 31, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

A group of angry white people have filed a motion in the Supreme Court to have the Black Lives Matter movement disbanded, labelling them a hate group who stops white members from joining. The group of individuals, who at this point have not released their names, are also suing the Black Lives Matter group for an undisclosed sum.

“We are tired of being marginalized and held back because of the color of our skin,” read a statement released from the group of white, Christian men. “We wanted to help and to spread the word of the Black Lives Matter movement, but they have held us back from joining at every cost. They are not about love. They are about hate and discrimination.”

A Supreme Court judge will hear the full case on Tuesday, and is expected to determine the merits.

A formal statement from the Black Lives Matter group was received too late to include in this publishing.

Gary Johnson Says He’ll Give Everyone Who Votes For Him $100

Posted on July 31, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

In what he says is his way of “giving back,” Libertarian presidential candidate Gary Johnson says that for anyone who can prove that they vote for him in the general election, he will personally send them $100.

“People have been giving candidates money for years, and for all but one guy, that money is wasted, because they don’t win,” said Johnson. “Now, I want to be able to give some back. Whether I am elected or not, if you vote for me, I will mail you a $100 bill.”

Johnson says that he is challenging Donald Trump to do the same thing, and wants him to take it a step further.

“Donald Trump is a pussy, so I know he will never do this,” said Johnson. “But that guy is supposedly a billionaire, so I think he should give every one of his voters $500. He could, supposedly, afford it, and you know what, it would make him look like less of a pussy in my eyes.”

Monica Lewinsky Says She Is Voting For Hillary Clinton

Posted on July 30, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Former presidential intern and the world’s second most famous presidential lay, Monica Lewinsky, has gone on record saying that she will be voting for her old flame’s wife, Hillary Clinton, in the next election.

Lewinsky, who is a staunch anti-bullying activist, says she couldn’t possibly vote for Trump, because he’s “the biggest bully” she’s ever seen.

“I’ve spent years trying to stop bullying, in life and online, with children, teens, and adults, so what kind of message would it send if I voted for Donald Trump?” asked Lewinsky. “I understand that there are some weird ramifications of me voting for my former lover’s wife, but you know, those were different times. That dress has long since been burned, if you know what I mean.”

Lewinsky says that she had originally thought about voting for Jill Stein, but Stein’s anti-vaccine sentiment made her think better.

“It’s definitely a woman’s place to be in the Oval Office, behind the resolute desk, and I don’t just mean on her knees,” said Lewinsky.

Klan Says ‘Guns Don’t Kill People, Black People Kill People’

Posted on July 29, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

klan

FORTH WORTH, Texas –

Christoper Miller, the leader of the Fort Worth Ku Klux Klan chapter, has ignited a wave of anger amongst the public after saying that “guns were not the problem, black people with guns [are],” referring to the Dallas, Texas shooting that killed five white police officers.

The head of the racist group cautioned to a crowd of people outside of a Fort Worth courthouse that “history will repeat itself again and again, as long as black people are allowed to own guns.” Miller was surrounded and protected by a large percentage of the Forth Worth police department.

“There is no gun problem in America,” he told the small group of supporters and bystanders. “Guns don’t kill people, black people kill people. The problem is whose hands you put the guns in. Guns are harmless by themselves, but black people are a menace to society, it’s a fact. Give them a gun, and that nigger will be twice as more likely to kill someone.”

The rally was dispersed shortly after by anxious police who feared a riot from nearby anti-KKK protestors.

Reagan’s Would Be Assassin John Hinkley Jr. Released From Psych Hospital

Posted on July 27, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Former president Ronald Regan had an assassination attempt made on his life in 1981 by John Hinkley Jr., who claimed at the time of his arrest that he was trying to kill the president to impress actress Jodi Foster, who he had become enamored with after seeing her in the film Taxi Driver.

Hinkley was released from his psych hospital today, and is now free and clear to walk the streets. Empire News met up with Hinkley upon his release, and he was decidedly chipper and happy to be living as a free man again.

“I am so excited to see what the world is like now, outside of those four walls,” said Hinkley. “I understand that we have a black president now, which is crazy to me. I’ve also heard, already, that there is a woman running for president. Apparently a lot has changed.”

Hinkley says that he has no intentions of assassinating any other presidents, now that Reagan has already died.

“From what I’ve read about current candidate Donald Trump’s campaign, it seems that there is likely an assassination to happen in the near future if he’s elected, but it certainly won’t be by me.” Hinkley seemed excited about the prospects of life outside of the hospital, and will be sent to live with his mother.

Actress and director Jodi Foster says that was never impressed by Hinkley’s attempt on the president’s life, and that she hopes he will find a new muse to impress if he decides to visit the movies again.

Witnesses At RNC Say One of Trump’s Daughters Assaulted Heidi Cruz, Security Removed Both From Convention

Posted on July 22, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CLEVELAND, Ohio –

According to several rumors coming out of the RNC, one of Trump’s daughters was seen assaulting Ted Cruz’s wife, Heidi, during a break at the Republican National Convention, prompting security to remove them both from the floor.

According to mainstream media, security was asked to remove Heidi Cruz from the floor for her own safety after the crowd began booing and jeering her husband during his speech. Witnesses at the event, though, say that’s not the reason at all.

“It wasn’t just Heidi that was taken away, it was also one of the Trump girls as well,” said reporter Mike Kennedy. “I was too far away to hear what they were arguing about, but Ms. Trump was definitely angry, and she spit right in Heidi Cruz’s face. Cruz actually reached back and slapped her across the face, and Trump pushed her to the floor. It all happened in a matter of seconds before security swept them away.”

Ted Cruz has refused to honor his commitment to back Republican nominee Donald Trump, and many are saying that the spat between families is what may have caused the assault on the RNC floor.

“I was standing only a couple feet away, and it was vicious,” said a man who was there, but who wished to remain anonymous. “Trump had definitely been drinking. To be honest, I don’t know which daughter it was. His entire family looks the same. Sort of orange with ugly hair. It could have been Donald in drag for all I know. Anyway, Trump scolded Heidi Cruz for not helping to support Donald Trump as he received, officially, the nomination, and Heidi yelled back. It was intense. I only wish I had gotten video.”

Mainstream news outlets have yet to pick up on the story, and most are assuming Trump and Cruz are working to have it covered up, as it negatively effects both of their families. Neither Donald Trump or Ted Cruz could be reached for comment.

Police Calling For Stricter Gun Control After Woman Shoots Intruder

Posted on June 29, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PORTLAND, Oregon –

Politicians say a recent incident where a woman shot an intruder in self defense is a case-in-point example of why there needs to be stricter gun control laws. A woman who returned to her Portland, Ore., home with her two children early Sunday morning shot and killed an intruder who was in the home, police said.

The woman, 33, found a stranger in the bedroom of one of her children about 1:45 a.m. PT Sunday. Police said the victim came home with her children ages 5 and 10, and armed with a handgun, she shot and killed the unknown 59-year-old man.

Police said the woman is cooperating with investigators and was not arrested. The investigation will determine whether she acted in self-defense and whether she will face charges.

Authorities say once the investigation is complete, it will be presented to the Multnomah County District Attorney’s Office for review.

An autopsy will be conducted Monday. The name of the man will not be released until his family is notified, police said.

Chief Luke Barkley says ordinary citizens should not take the law in their own hands. “The proper protocol would be to call 911 and wait for police to arrive. Don’t try to be a hero. This tragedy could have likely been avoided.”

Government Puts Price On Freedom, Plans To Sell ‘Freedom Shares’ To Citizens

Posted on June 28, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Freedom is not free. In fact, it is quite expensive, and some are proposing the sale of “freedom shares” to help pay for it. It costs nearly $700 billion a year to keep America in the freedom to which it is accustomed. That is $5,600 paid in for every household in America to pay for military expenses, and obviously this does not began to cover all the other expenses of running the federal government.

The freedom shares program would allow the average citizen to donate extra money towards keeping America free, and in return they would be allowed additional freedoms. These special privileges would include getting out of speeding tickets and even free passes to cheat on one’s spouse. If one bought enough freedom shares they may even be able to commit one free homicide.

The program has been criticized as unfair, as the rich would be proportionately more free. Supporter, John Seebode says, “Well, I reckon that may be true, but ain’t that how things are anyway? I support freedom shares, because it’s not a tax so I can chose to donate. And what better cause than keeping America free?”

Congress To Vote On Bill To Require Background Checks Before Purchasing Fireworks

Posted on June 28, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

In the wake of the horrific Orlando club shooting, focus has turned once again to the issue of gun control. After democrats unsuccessfully attempted to filibuster and sit-in for tougher gun control laws, they have decided to try another angle. They hope to require background checks before people buy fireworks, in states where they are legal, and ban terrorists from buying fireworks.

A person will also be denied sale if they are a felon, fugitive, domestic abuser, undocumented immigrant, or have a legally declared mental health issue. This bill would also disallow fireworks being kept with in reach of customers.

Recently in Phoenix Arizona, Walmart customer recorded a giant burning fireworks display in an aisle. Apparently, a small group of people decided to light part of the fireworks display aflame, causing a crackling, cacophonous inferno.

“Somebody could have been killed inside that store with that fire growing as fast as it did and as bad as it could have gotten,” said Phoenix fire captain Larry Subervi.

Although fireworks are not the preferred method of terrorists, police have had fireworks shot at them, including incidents in East London, Dallas, TX and Greenville, SC. “We need to keep explosives out of the hands of terrorists. It’s as simple as that,” says one of the bill’s sponsors, Senator Patty Murray.

Government Plans To End ‘War On Drugs’ By 2018

Posted on June 28, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

People of all stripes are asking a question, “Should all drugs be legalized?” For many people, the answer is yes, traditional, younger liberals are not the only ones who agree.

“There are many academic and anecdotal reasons to support the belief that all drugs should be legalized and the money spent for incarcerating those convicted of possession or even low-level dealing should be spent on rehabilitation and jobs training instead,” says Republican Senator Roy Blunt. “We are working on a bill that will end the war on drugs, so we can focus on more important things like the war on terror. If there are less drug offenders in our overcrowded prisons, there will be more room to incarcerate suspected terrorists.”

This attitude is representative of most Americans, as attitudes about drugs have changed drastically over the last 15 years. According to a Pew report, in 2001, 47% of all Americans supported the notion that states might eliminate mandatory sentences for drug users. At the time, the news was full of drive-by shootings and turf wars all over the nation and the citizenry as a whole was tired of violence. By 2014, 67% of Americans believed that mandatory sentencing was wrong for lower level possession and dealing of drugs. People believed it was more important to focus on treating drug users, and this included people caught with cocaine and heroin.