Body Of Osama Bin Laden Found By Deep Sea Fisherman

Posted on July 10, 2014 by A. Michael Smith

LAHORE, Pakistan –

The body of terrorist Osama Bin Laden was found by a deep sea fisherman off the coast of Pakistan yesterday. The fisherman, whose name was not released due to fears of threats against his life, has reportedly been offered $1 million USD by the Tabliban to return the body to them, but the fisherman is reportedly interested in holding out for more, supposedly contacting representatives in the White House to test their interest in purchasing

According to the fisherman, he discovered the body about 8 miles off the coast of his hometown of Pasni, Pakistan. Bin Laden was pulled from an area of ocean where the depth is only about 75 meters. His body was well wrapped in a clear plastic tarp, and then tied up in a white cloth. Despite Bin Laden’s body having been disposed of in the ocean 3 years ago, his corpse was reportedly in near-immaculate condition, possibly preserved by the salt water and plastic wrapping.

“I was scared at first, finding a body.” Said the fisherman in an interview with his local newspaper. “I pulled it onto the ship, and I was astonished and amazed. I never in a million years thought I would find not only a body, but the body of Bin Laden. I was so excited – I plan to make a lot of money off this!”

Representatives for the US Government say it is impossible that anyone has recovered Bin Laden’s body.

“There is no way that he was found in the ocean near Pakistan, or any ocean for that matter. The odds of that are exactly zero, and I refuse to say how I know that, except to say that I just…know.” Said Cpt. Issac Hillum, a spokesman for the US Army. “A body off the coast of Pakistan? Entirely believable. The government kills people and disposes of their useless corpses by ‘burial at sea’ almost on a daily basis. But Osama Bin Laden? No, I’m sorry. It’s literally impossible.”

Several high-ranking members of the Taliban have a decidedly different opinion on the matter, and say that the US is denying that Bin Laden’s body has been discovered to hide traces of torture inflicted on him before and after his death.

“We have seen the photos, we know it is our leader.” Said Anam Sammer G. Hadd, current leader of the Taliban forces in Pakistan. “We are prepared to pay to retrieve the body and give it a proper burial. We will stop at nothing to make sure his body is returned to us. That is a warning you had better heed.”

With each side having conflicting opinions on the identity of the body pulled from the ocean, the last word will rest in the hands of the man who is in possession of him.

“I know who it is. I am not blind. The photos are proof, and now the world will know. If the US doesn’t want his body, then I will sell to the Taliban. Or I will sell to a private citizen anywhere in the world. What they do with it, I don’t care to know. The first person who hits my asking price will be given his body. ” Said the fisherman.

Currently, that asking price is $5 million USD. President Obama refused to comment on the possibility of it being Osama Bin Laden, or whether they would purchase the body if testing proved positively that it was.

Hobby Lobby Says No To Contraception, Yes To Suicide

Posted on July 5, 2014 by Rab

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

In a case that has millions divided, the Supreme Court made a decision recently in Hobby Lobby v. Burwell, ruling that the Hobby Lobby corporation has the right, due to the company’s sternly held religious beliefs, not to cover the acts of abortion or any sort of contraception to their employees via their offered insurance plans.

“The arguments have been made, and so has the decision.” Says Hobby Lobby CEO David Green. “We believe that a women’s body is the property of the Almighty, and if he wants them to be pregnant, who are we to say differently?”

“This is an extremely big win for us, and for God Himself.” Says Ryan Silver, a representative for Hobby Lobby. “Any form of birth control or an abortion are abominations unto God. People really need to lay off this ‘women’s rights’ crap. It seems that nowadays women feel like they should be treated as equally as men, and that is just wrong according to God Himself!”

Curiously, there are several things included in the coverage for Hobby Lobby employees that would rarely, if ever, be covered under any normal insurance plan.

“Upon review of the Hobby Lobby’s documentation from their insurance, there are a lot of, shall we say, abnormalities?” Says Mark Bertollini, CEO of Aetna Insurance. “There are clauses in the fine print that enable someone be covered for self-euthanization. So if you work for Hobby Lobby and want to kill yourself, which is a definite possibility, you are covered. Don’t forget to get their life insurance policy as well, though, so your family can get some of your sweet death cash.”

“We know that suicide is a Hell-worthy trespass, but for the people who want to do it, there is no saving them anyway. We feel that just because an employee wants to die and burn in eternal damnation, their family shouldn’t suffer for their own problems. Killing yourself is one thing, but abortion is an entirely different matter. If you want an abortion, you better believe that God has a plan for that unborn, undeveloped egg-cell, and I will do anything in my power to make sure His will be done.”

Other things that are covered in the Hobby Lobby employee insurance plans include ‘Acts of God,’ and ‘Personal Injury or Death Due to Rapture.’ As of the ruling date, anyone who works for Hobby Lobby will be forced to either procure their condoms or birth control by paying out-of-pocket, or be forced to use the tried-and-true method of ‘pulling out’ to avoid unwanted pregnancy.

Pope Francis Shocks The World By Opening Vatican City To Area Homeless

Posted on July 3, 2014 by NJJones

VATICAN CITY, Rome –

Pope Francis continued his reign of controversy last week when he officially announced in a morning mass the opening of the doors of Vatican City, including the famous Apostolic Palace, to the homeless of Rome for shelter.

No stranger to culture-shocking, Pope Francis added that, in edition to the Vatican being open for anyone who needed shelter, he would personally guarantee food, fresh water, and bathing facilities to anyone who needed it. He even offered privacy beds for homeless married couples who have not have the chance to copulate while living in squalor in the surrounding cities.

Unsurprisingly, this latest announcement of a Holy Man who seems intent on turning the Roman Catholic Church on its head has caused several uproars among other priests and every-day Catholics, many of whom eschew the Pontiff’s modern theories in favor of their religious and dogmatic dark ages-style of worship.

One source tells us that although there are some in the Vatican who are for changing the socio-political environment of today’s society, they are not necessarily on board with being forced to house down-on-their-luck homeless if confronted by one outside their front doors.

“This is exactly the kind of event which highlights to the world the difference between corruption-hijacking beliefs and true spirituality.” Noted one religious commentator who wished to remain anonymous. “They [the church] aren’t giving us a choice. If we live here, then we are required to just step aside and let dirty, possibly diseased, and desperate people into our homes. I will not complain publicly, but I am not happy.”

As far as Pope Francis is concerned, people understand the changes he is trying to make.

“My aim is to be as Christ-like as I can. To heal the sick, feed the poor, take care of the orphans and widows, and preach good news that God is reconciled with mankind.” Said Pope Francis to a Roman newspaper last week. “I open up my home to those without homes, in hopes of fulfilling this very thing. There is no agenda here. Whether they are Roman-Catholic or not, all are welcome to stay without needing to give anything back in return.”

“I’m surprised,” said one believer when we spoke to them about the recent turn of events, “and I am disappointed. I hoped that his Holiness would have had more of an understanding of the importance of tradition. Instead he is completely disregarding it in almost any way he can.”

Pope Francis previously has made news headlines for his comparatively inclusive statements about the LGBTQ community as well as allegedly sneaking out of the Vatican in disguise at night to pray with the homeless people he cares so deeply for.