Hobby Lobby Adds ‘Abstinence Policy’ To Employee Handbooks

Posted on September 16, 2014 by mike the inkman

OKLAHOMA CITY, Oklahoma –

Hobby Lobby is back in the spotlight today, after the company announced that they are adding new rule to their ‘Employee Code of Conduct,’ which will now include a passage that says the company expects all of their non-married workers to practice abstinence. The company is enacting the policy only a few short months after a media firestorm over their refusal to cover Plan B birth-control in their medical packages – a decision that was upheld by the Supreme Court in a landmark decision.

“Hobby Lobby is a private company, and we were founded on Christian values. Our employees have a choice, though – They can embrace our values, or they are free to seek employment with a more secular company,” said Dick Red, Hobby Lobby spokesman. “In light of the backlash we took for our refusal to cover methods of ‘birth-control’ that we felt were more in line with ‘termination of pregnancy’ techniques, we have elected to take our Supreme Court victory a step further. Effective immediately, sexual activities outside of marriage by our employees will be grounds for termination. If a non-married employee becomes pregnant, she will be terminated so she can find her place with a new employer. If we catch any of our non-married employees having sex with each other on top of the paint brushes or balls of yarn, well then they’ll be terminated as well. Promiscuity is not a value that we here at Hobby Lobby are prepared to tolerate any longer.”

Support for the policy has poured in from Christian Rights groups and religious individuals alike. Televangelist Joey Ostein touched on the controversial policy in a recent sermon.

“God has spoken, and this company [Hobby Lobby] has heeded the call. We have become a nation of deviants and harlots. We have spiraled into a nation of homosexuals and sinners. The Bible is clear on these issues. Sex is to be between a man and a woman inside the sacred bond of marriage. Brothers and sisters, we must strive to save these sinners, as Lot strove to save the Sodomites; but like Lot, if our words shall fall on deaf ears, we must turn our backs and let God’s will be done.”

Several employees have said they plan to file suit against Hobby Lobby, claiming religious discrimination, but Red is not worried.

“God saw us through the tribulations of our previous struggle, and He will see us through this one as well. These feminists, harlots, and menaces, they say that they only want to keep the government out of their vaginas. Well I say they can start by keeping everyone else out of their vaginas as well,” said Red. “At our stores, we are going to restore the Christian values that this country was founded on. If we lose a few customers in the process, then so be it. I would rather go out of business and see my Christian customers in Heaven than pander to the ideals of Satan and wind up peddling craft supplies in Hell.”

Garage Mechanic Charged With Battery

Posted on September 13, 2014 by DvanL

NORTH AURORA, Illinois –

Garrett Nelson should be at work at Bates Auto Body in North Aurora, Illinois, but instead, he’s in a holding cell with bruised knuckles and a sprained ankle.

Aurora Beacon-News’ local crime reporter, Peter Lazenby, discovered the 38-year-old Nelson sitting by himself in the holding cell, and decided to strike up a conversation.

“It was obvious he had gotten into a fight,” said Lazenby. “He was pretty bruised up. I told him I was a reporter and he said he knew my name because he reads my ‘Pete’s Beat’ police blotter column. Our talk turned into an interview, so I ended up doing a human-interest story on him. Turns out this guy really has led an interesting life. Also the fact that a mechanic was charged with battery – I mean the thing practically wrote itself!”

Lazenby shared a section of the conversation with Empire News.

Peter Lazenby: Do you mind if I ask what happened?

Garrett Nelson: I took a swing at a guy who was trying to tell me how to do my job.

PL: Where do you work?

GN: Bates Auto Body on River Road.

PL: How did the fight start?

GN: I promised to have this guy’s car finished by 3:00, but things got backed up since a school bus packed full of singing nuns broke down right in front of the shop. I spent about 2 hours fixing them up, so then the guy comes back and asks me how come his car isn’t ready.

PL: Did you tell him about the singing nuns?

GN: Yeah, but he said it wasn’t his problem. He was this suit-and-tie guy, on his phone the whole time, kinda rude. Then he says he had a cousin who’s a mechanic and I was working too slow.

PL: Why didn’t the guy just go to his cousin?

GN: That’s what I asked him and it kind of ticked him off. I told him we had a waiting room, but he said he’d rather ‘keep an eye on me out here.’ That’s just how he said it: ‘keep an eye on me.’ Well, that really frosted my ass. What did he think was I gonna do? Take a dump in his car or something? So he keeps on staring, and the next thing I know, I’m swinging at him; he’s swinging at me — he calls the police, but guess who gets stuck in here — me!”

Barrett was charged with simple battery and was confident he would be released soon.

“One customer who comes in to my shop all the time with his hybrid, he’s a lawyer, so I called him up,” said Barrett. He brings his car in at least once a month. God, those hybrids are crap on 4 wheels! Anyway, I heard him say something about ‘dropping the charges,’ so I think I’ll be out of here soon. The guy who I took a poke at left about a half hour ago.”

Barrett was released an hour later in a better mood than when he arrived.

“Hey, am I gonna be famous?” he joked, limping out of the police station. “I never thought I’d be reading about me like this! I might turn into a big-time celebrity!”

“Careful what you wish for!” answered Lazenby.

Lazenby’s full article will appear in this Sunday’s Beacon-News as a special feature to ‘Pete’s Beat.’

Paranormal Investigators Confirm Poltergeist Possession of Microwave

Posted on September 11, 2014 by Angela Baker

LOUISVILLE, Kentucky –

Homeowner Bill Michaud says, “It started with random beeping. One time it went off like the food was done, and when I looked over, the damn thing was still going and said 6:66.” Unfortunately for Michaud and his family, this spooky occurrence was just the beginning of a long, kitchen-appliance nightmare.

“We found [the microwave] in the attic when we moved in a few months back. Didn’t have one, so figured, ‘what the hell,’ might as well try it,” says Michaud. “I tell you, the thing heats up the food real nice. Sometimes it beeped or turned itself off in the middle of cooking, though. Then really weird things started happening. It zapped at food as if we were putting shards of metal in it. I couldn’t figure it out.”

His wife Betty adds, “It turns on by itself. It turns off by itself, too. It’s like it’s messing with me. No matter how many times I popped the door shut, the minute I leave the room it pops open again. One night, really late, I walk into the kitchen and I’m about to open the fridge, and the microwave door flies open, lighting the whole kitchen up in a horrible, scary lightning-blue color. It’s like it wanted to electrocute me.”

The Michauds contacted the Kansas Ghost Hunter group right away. Founder Kevin Young was eager to study both the microwave and the entire home in general.

“The Michauds didn’t want to go without a microwave, or risk upsetting the spirit by taking it out of the house. We obtained permission to stay the night and study the phenomena in its natural environment,” said Young. “My wife, who is also on my squad, is highly empathic. As we warmed up TV dinners in the microwave, she sensed a presence. As soon as she mentioned it, the microwave started beeping repeatedly. The door flung open, and my Hungry Man dinner went flying across the room. We pressed the off button. We unplugged it. It beeped several times after we cut off the power. Of course our digital recording became corrupted, which often happens when there is such strong energy.”

Young called in paranormal investigator, and self-proclaimed authority on mechanical-possession, Carl Richards. He believes it is not a ghost, but a poltergeist that takes possession of the microwave.

“I followed the situation that the Michauds were facing from the beginning, as they posted their disturbances on Facebook. I keep an eye on all local ghost-hunter hobbyists and groups,” said Richards. “The EMF readings confirmed this supernatural manifestation is a poltergeist. I have seen poltergeists occupy washers, TVs, electric heaters, but this is the first time I have seen microwave possession first-hand.”

When Richards was asked if the Michauds should get a new microwave , he advised, “It is important to remember, the malevolent presence does not strictly ‘live in’ the microwave. Getting rid of the machine will not solve the problem. It has the ability to travel throughout the electrical wiring in the house.”

“It is best not to engage the being,” continued Young. “Try not to be fearful. Always remain calm. If you’re facing a poltergeist in your kitchen devices, just ignore its outbursts, and it will not be able to feed off your energies.”

Betty Michaud agrees with Young’s advice. “I think he knows what he’s talking about. It didn’t start getting really bad until we paid attention to it. Now we just ignore it like we would ignore a child’s temper-tantrum, and it still randomly shuts off or zaps from time to time, but nothing really serious. It still heats up our leftovers like a champ, too.”

Piñata Horror: Grandfather Beaten For Candy at Quinceañera

Posted on September 3, 2014 by DvanL

BROOKLYN, New York –

The Hispanic tradition of Quinceañera, the celebration of a young girl’s transition from childhood to maturity, is rich in religious customs, family values and the bonds of friendship, loyalty and responsibility. Young girls look forward to this celebration that often takes years of preparation and planning.

“I waited my entire life for this,” said Lucia Montez, 15, from the Park Slope section of Brooklyn. “But if I had to wait all over again, I would not do it,” she sobbed.

Rather than celebrating with family and friends, Lucia sits at the hospital bedside of her recuperating grandfather, 78-year-old Roberto “Tito” Montez. ‘Abuelo Tito,’ as he is lovingly referred to by Lucia, is recovering from a vicious beating at the hands of a group of children, apparently angered that they arrived late to the Montez family’s celebration.

“We decided to have the big party at The Grand Prospect Hall Ballroom,” said Lucia’s mother Alma. “’We make your dreams come true!’ is what the famous commercial says on television. It is now more like a terrible nightmare that none of us wanted to come true, but it did.”

According to Lucia, a group of six or seven children not originally invited to the Ballroom, crashed the party and were told that they would be welcome at the more informal gathering which was to take place at the Montez family home, later in the day.

“They weren’t even ever invited to come here!” said Lucia, angrily. “They barely know me! They started getting mad so then Abuelo Tito told them if they behaved themselves, they could stop by the house later.”

“He just wanted to get rid of them,” added Alma.

“They didn’t show up until late at night,” said Lucia, “and we were putting things away by then. Abuelo Tito was taking down the empty piñata that was broken already and hanging by a rope. It was a Dora The Explorer piñata and you had to hit her in the head to get the candy to come out. So the kids asked my Abuelo Tito for some candy and he told them to go home, the party was over. Then I heard the yelling and the screaming and then we …” Lucia could not continue.

“We ran outside,” continued Alma. “Those bad kids were beating my father with sticks saying ‘Where’s my candy, Papa Piñata? Can candy come out of you if we beat you now, viejo? More candy, more candy!’ It was a horrible thing to see, and we all pushed them away. Papa was lying there next to Dora, all covered with crepe paper and bruises. Then we came to the hospital.”

Abuelo Tito was able to speak and offer thanks to well-wishers.

“These bad kids, they were not from the neighborhood. They were outsiders and were bored, so they chose our family to cause trouble with. They don’t have enough to do except play games, then they get bored. I forgive them, but I will not forget. I’m a tough old bird, my family says.”

“I have a party ready for him when he gets home tomorrow or the next day,” said Lucia. “Inside for the party, please, Lucia” said Abuelo Tito, sending the room into laughter. “Look, everyone!” he said, “That’s the first time Lucia gives us all a smile!”

Abuelo Tito was treated for lacerations and a mild concussion, and a full recovery is expected. The children responsible for the assault remain at large.

Transgender Teacher Sues School Board; Wants To Share Bathroom With Children

Posted on September 2, 2014 by mike the inkman

MONTPELIER, Vermont –

A male-to-female transgender elementary school teacher is suing her school district after being denied access to the female bathroom facilities. Ronda McCracken, born Robert McCracken, a post-op third grade teacher for Montpelier Public Schools, has filed a civil suit claiming discrimination and emotional damages. Named in the suit are Montpelier Public Schools and Superintendent of Education Marshall Peterson.

“Until this year, Ronda McCracken was employed by Montpelier Public Schools under the name ‘Robert McCracken.’ Over the break, Mr. McCracken underwent gender reassignment surgery and reported in to last weeks Board of Education meeting as a female,” said Principal Richard Belding. “Being an equal opportunity employer, and in appreciation of McCracken’s years of service to the school system, Superintendent Peterson informed Ms. McCracken that Montpelier Schools would be glad to allow her to retain the position that she had previously held as a man. The one condition was that Ms. McCracken would refrain from using the women’s restrooms on school grounds. The Board felt that it would be more appropriate for Ms. McCracken to use the unisex restroom located in the teacher’s lounge. Ms. McCracken seemed to be fine with the decision initially, but later placed a call to the Superintendent stating that she felt she was being discriminated against. She was informed that, unfortunately, the Board could not see fit to reverse the decision for fear of public backlash. Ms. McCracken then filed suit against the Board.”

According to the Associated Press, when asked about the suit, Ms. McCracken had no problem sharing her opinion.

“I just felt like they [Montpelier Public Schools] were discriminating against me for something that was beyond my control. I was born a woman, I just had the wrong equipment. There is a long history of discrimination in this country, and I feel these people need to be held accountable for their bigoted actions. There is no reason, besides unwarranted prejudice, that a woman should not be allowed to use the restroom with other females.”

Some of the Montpelier parents had a different point of view. Carl Mitchum, father of two elementary age students in Montpelier Schools, shared his opinion with Empire News.

“Robert McCracken was born a man. All this gay and lesbian equal rights talk is fine by me, but at the same time, I don’t want a grown man winding up in a bathroom with my eight year old daughter. It’s not safe, and it is a precedent that we can not allow to be set.”

Other parents of children at the school were not nearly as kind in their opinions.

“I don’t want that freak in the bathroom with those poor girls. There is too much risk. If God had wanted a Ronda McCracken, then Ronda McCracken would have been born, not made by soulless doctors. She should have her teaching license pulled,” Said Michael Baxter, a local Baptist minister. “The Lord will not abide this type of sin.”

The suit is set to be heard before Circuit Judge Jasper Billings on the first of next month.

“I just hope this can all be resolved,” Ms. McCracken said. “Sure, I had a penis, and sure I’ve had sex with women, but that is no reason to keep me from being in the same bathroom as little girls. Maybe people don’t understand my lifestyle, but they don’t have to me so mean. The idea that we should tell our children what gender they are is outdated. These people are ignorant bigots. Maybe my vagina is man-made, and maybe I have different ideas about what turns me on, but maybe your daughters do, too. Maybe I can talk to them about it in the bathroom.”

Priest Accused of Molestation; Upset He Confused Tomboy For Actual Boy

Posted on August 29, 2014 by DvanL

ATLANTA, Georgia –

The Roman Catholic Church sex abuse scandal added another dark chapter to its history, months after Pope Francis reaffirmed his commitment to expose and root out predatory priests from within the Church.

This latest alleged incident involves Father Francis X. O’Toole, of the Archdiocese of Atlanta. O’Toole was placed under arrest after a guardian of the alleged victim notified authorities that an act of inappropriate touching had taken place.

Hank Sheffield, feature reporter for Atlanta’s WSB-TV, obtained raw footage of O’Toole’s transfer from a police holding cell to an awaiting Atlanta Department of Corrections van. “I yelled over and asked if he had any remorse for the victim or anything he’d like to say to her. He looked surprised and said ‘What? Her? You said her. It was a girl?’ He looked at me like I had two heads!”

Sheffield later obtained an exclusive prison interview with O’Toole, in exchange for the priest’s cooperation with authorities in providing details of other alleged acts of abuse.

“I feel awful,” said O’Toole. “I don’t know how I could have done this. I don’t mean the touching — I’ve been doing that for years. I’m sick in the head, for Christ’s sake! What I mean is I touched a girl – er, allegedly touched I mean. I can’t believe it. I’m out of control. I need to be sent away somewhere, to a place where I can’t even touch myself,” he acknowledged.

“When I told him that a crime against a child is a crime no matter who or what the sex of the victim is,” said Sheffield, “he basically got what I was saying, but he still seemed upset about mistaking the girl for a boy, and not about committing this awful crime on a kid. My crew and I were pretty much sick to our stomachs when the interview was over.”

The personable reporter has been a familiar presence to Atlanta area viewers for the past 2 decades. In more than 25 years, he’s never reported on a story like this.

“When I started out, the most controversial thing I covered was when the Berlin Wall opened up. I hate to sound like that old guy on his front porch, but this world has changed a lot. I had a talk with our news director about whether we should run this segment at all,” said Shefield, “but we decided it was better to expose the crime here, rather than keep it hidden.”

J.K. Rowling Admits She Wrote Harry Potter to Convert Kids to Wicca

Posted on August 28, 2014 by carriesnotscary

LONDON, England –

In a statement on her official website, Harry Potter series author J.K. Rowling finally admitted that she wrote the series on behalf of the Wiccan religion. In years past, many Christian groups were considered obnoxious for advocating that the books be banned from schools due to their potential for polluting children’s brains with belief in witchcraft, but apparently they were not as crazy as originally thought.

“It’s been so many years, and the built-up guilt has been like a rainy cloud following me everywhere I go. When I write, when I sleep, when I practice magic, when I go to the bank to deposit my billion dollar Harry Potter checks . . . my secret was like my Horcrux, and now I’ve destroyed it so my soul can be whole again for the witches,” Rowling wrote. “It’s about time that I tell the world I am a strong supporter of Wicca. I truly believe in its benefits as a religion. I wrote Harry Potter to please the Mother Goddess. They needed new followers, and they needed young followers. I wrote the series to manipulate young minds into believing witchcraft was real, and it worked.”

According to Rowling, the Wiccan community knew about this the whole time. In fear of losing followers if they released the series’ true intentions early, they forced Rowling to wait until it already fulfilled their hopes and dreams—a younger, broader Wiccan community. “She saved us. Everyone who reads Harry Potter or watches the movies supports us. Rowling donates a large portion of her money to our experiments and facilities,” an anonymous and active Wiccan witch said.

Rowling closed her statement saying, “I am deeply sorry if I have offended you with my propaganda. I hope that my readers, Wiccan or not, can still enjoy my work. And above all, I hope that this revealing information does not influence your opinions on myself, Harry, Ron, Hermione, and especially Hedwig.”

Two Westboro Baptist Church Members Arrested, Accused Of Child Molestation

Posted on August 22, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

TOPEKA, Kansas –

Two members of the infamous Westboro Baptist Church have been arrested on child molestation charges, according to Topeka Police Department spokesperson Michelle Somerville.

51-year-old Parker Eugene Williamson and his 38-year-old wife, Janelle Williamson, both reportedly members of the Westboro Baptist Church, were arrested and booked early this morning. Due to the nature of the arrest, details of the molestation charges have been sealed under court order by Shawnee County judge Herman Jacoby. However, Somerville was able to share with the media that the couple were also facing charges of drug possession, animal cruelty, and resisting arrest.

“A warrant was issued to search the Williamson residence. Inside police discovered a bedroom in the house had been chained and padlocked from the outside. I can tell you that there was a child, the couples only son, and three neglected, malnourished dogs, no other details about what was uncovered in that room cannot be disclosed at this time,” Somerville said. “Of course, they also had a room filled with ridiculous, nonsensical signs they use when picketing. I think that’s a prerequisite for these people.”

The arrests took place just days after the church announced plans to picket the funeral of famed actor and comedian Robin Williams. Westboro Baptist Church members are known for their picketing of United States soldiers who have died in battle, celebrities, and mostly for their extreme anti-gay standing. Thankfully, they were not aware that Williams had requested cremation, and his ashes were scattered quietly without incident from the Church.

Shirley Phelps-Roper, the daughter of deceased WBC founder Fred Phelps, was reached by telephone shortly after the arrests were made, and she blatantly refused comment on the matter, claiming she didn’t know the Williamsons, and that anyone who asked would surely ‘burn in hell like all the other fag enablers.’

Due to the anti-gay stance of the church, and their supposed technique of only using words and no violence, an organization named Planting Peace, who opposes the church and is located right across the street from their home, is planning to continue to raise money in the name of overpowering WBC’s hate by getting people to donate money to charitable causes.

Stanley Unser of Planting Peace had this to said that their organization said they would take donations for suicide prevention, in honor of Williams. “The WBC might not have been able to picket a funeral for a well-loved celebrity, but they planned it. They think these are good things. Death is good. They’re sickos.”

Westboro Baptist Church has become more of a laughing-stock to the public in over time, with internet hatred giving way to peaceful, almost comedic, public protest. Those people who oppose the church, which obviously includes almost every living person on the planet, have increasingly set out to make a mockery of Westboro, mocking their well-known signs and picketing right along with them. People have taken to making their own versions of the hateful signs, using such slogans as “God Hates Signs,” and “God, My Sharpies Are Drying Out” and posing along with church members, taking selfies to post on the internet.

“Based on the number of funny signs, memes, and images found on the internet, it seems that the WBC is losing ground,” says University of Kansas behavioral sciences professor Dr. Carmen Fiorucci. “It truly seems to be that society has always been sickened by the group, which in my opinion is a hate group, even though the White House would not label them as such, but nobody is taking them seriously anymore. They make signs with hateful messages on them, that is their only form of spreading their gospel, which is really just bull—-, and it’s not spreading anymore. They have become a joke to society. The kids making signs to mock them and pose in front of them for photos, and good for them! It shows these loons have been defeated. If these members are proven to have committed the crimes which have been alleged, the burning of the church has begun, you can count on that.”

Somerville stated that the investigating of alleged crimes is being handled with the ‘utmost diligence,’ and details will be released at the proper time.

Pope Reveals Catholic Religion Is ‘Hoax That Got Out of Hand’

Posted on August 7, 2014 by mike the inkman

VATICAN CITY, Italy –

In a shocking turn of events, the Vatican released a statement earlier this week admitting that Christianity as a whole, and Catholicism specifically, have been little more than an elaborate prank spanning just over two millennia, and that the new testament was written specifically to further the agenda of the church. When pushed for comment at a press conference yesterday afternoon, Pope Francis had a speech prepared.

“It all started as a way for some of the more fun-loving Jews to rustle the jimmies of some of their overly scholarly classmates. They got together and decided to have this big to-do about the birth of the Messiah. It was a great set up, really. Joseph and Mary had this whole illegitimate pregnancy thing that they needed to explain, so they worked that in there. Eventually, it just got out of hand. There was all this killing and persecution, and by that point it was too late to come clean. I mean, can you imagine? Spending twenty years living a charade, gaining all these die-hard followers, and then telling them it was all just a dirty trick? Jesus would have wound up on the cross a few years sooner, I can tell you that.”

When asked why the church had kept the secret for so long, Pope Francis was quoted as saying, “Well, by the time the original conspirators had all died, it had gotten too big. The church had become this all-powerful amalgamation of religions. The Holy Roman Empire was really kicking ass. Nothing can unite a conquering army like a promise of glory in the afterlife, similar to what we see going on with Islam these days. So, we just kept it up with the pillaging and the burning of heretics and watch the riches roll in.”

In response to an assertion that Islam was a false religion by proxy, The Pope replied, “Oh, no, no. Not at all. They’ve been right the whole time. That whole crusades mess could’ve been avoided if we’d just bowed down to the one true god, Allah. However, at this point; according to some of the texts I’ve read, it was all just a money game. We couldn’t let the will of our true creator get in the way of what had basically become a license to print money. Dollars, Lira, Wampum, it doesn’t matter what you call it, it has always taken precedence over things like morality and spiritual purity. Really, the only thing that the Muslims are wrong about is the pork. There was, shall we say, an incident, involving a pig and an interspecies strain of a venereal infection. So, big surprise, a cover story was born. Pigs are dirty and so on. Other than that, they are spot on, even though they are kind of dicks about it.”

Though quite taken aback, the Empire News Vatican Correspondent was able to pose the final question of the conference by asking why The Pope had chosen now to break his vow to secrecy.

“Well, it’s not nearly as orchestrated as some of you may think. Lord knows the conspiracy theorists will be all over this one, like they were when we shot Kennedy, errr, when Kennedy was shot rather. Not to oversimplify the thing, but if you eat a bologna sandwich everyday for lunch for two months, chances are you’ll be tired of bologna. Now, imagine doing it every day for two thousand years. I’m tired of bologna, I’m tired of lies. I sat down with my confidants yesterday, and we decided that it was time to blow the lid off the thing, just move on. I guess getting older has something to do with it. Gotta get right with Allah. Maybe listen to some Cat Stevens. It’s just time we all went a different route. No further questions please.”

The unexpected press conference has since gone viral, leaving millions of people with questions about their faith. They feel lost, directionless, and confused. They want to know, should they continue with their faith, and go through the motions, knowing that it has all been a lie; or should they convert, and uproot their entire lives? It is a question that they will each have to answer individually. The world watches, waiting for an answer.

New Law Will Make Practicing The Mormon Religion Illegal

Posted on July 13, 2014 by JP

PROVO, Utah –

Religion has always been a touchy subject any way one chooses to look at it, causing wars, hatred, and feuds that may or may not have happened if it wasn’t for the beliefs held by any number of people. Regardless of the issues it may cause, one thing in life is certain, and that is that you are free to choose to believe in whatever you want, and the government cannot stop you.

Apparently, things are about to change for those wishing to practice at least one major religion. A new law being voted on in congress could pass, effectively making it illegal to follow the Mormon religion.

It is unclear why the United States would be voting to outlaw any religion, especially Mormonism, but the penalties and guidelines it entails are very extreme: anyone seen practicing the Mormon religion would be held in a prison cell for up to but not to exceed 5 years, and will only be released once a therapist and appointed clergyman feels that their beliefs have changed. This would still be true even if the law was repealed while the accused was incarcerated.

In conjunction with backlash that will come with such a harsh law, the government has said they will be offering a therapy program to Mormons that would like to learn about becoming followers of another religion, and the program will also give them an outlet to following that new way of life.

“Well, I mean, it does kind of make me happy to know I won’t have some stranger knocking on my door at 7:30AM, wanting to talk about God.” said Joe Goldsmith of Provo. “I’ve never been less interested in anyone’s beliefs – except for of course, perhaps, the Jehovah Witnesses. Those people show up at 6:30AM!”

News of the possibly outlaw of the Mormon faith reached the Vatican this morning, where Pope Francis was apparently thrilled.

“All the more for us,” Said the Pontiff. “They will come screaming to Catholicism. No one can outlaw the true Jesus Christ.”

The law, if passed, will take place January 1st, 2015. Any practicing Mormons are asked to keep a close watch on the possible law changes.