Kindergarten Teacher In Hot Water After Having Students Draw Pictures Of Muhammad

Posted on January 9, 2015 by Angela Baker

ATLANTA, Georgia –

After finding out what their children have been drawing in class, some parents are threatening to pull their children out of Peach Street Kindergarten in Atlanta, Georgia. Teacher Mary Christian says she has been having the children draw pictures of Muhammad, and that it is ‘all in good fun,’ and a great way for her class to rally behind the massacre at France’s Charlie Hebdo satirical magazine.

“We’ve been doing a unit on other parts of the world, and the kids had just learned about the Eiffel Tower when the terrorists attacked France. Now the kids are hearing things like ‘Terror in Paris’ on TV, and naturally they started asking questions. One of the students asked me, ‘Mrs. Christian, what made these men so angry?’ So this new unit was to help them understand religions.”

Six-year old student Ben explained his thoughts about the drawing classes to The Georgian Gazette Daily News. “Muhammad really doesn’t like having his picture taken, I guess, so I asked Mrs. Christian if we could draw him. My Mom gets really angry if you take her picture, too, but she always puts the pictures I draw of her on our refrigerator. I’m glad mommy doesn’t have guns when she gets mad.”

When asked if she knows who Muhammad is, kindergartener Crystal said that he was part of other people’s “wrong beliefs.”

“Mrs. Christian told us Muhammad is like Jesus in the part of the world Aladdin is from, but he’s got a big beard like Santa,” said Crystal. “I drew my Muhammad with a blue beard, because blue is my favorite color.”

Christian says she doesn’t know what people are so upset about. “I think it is important for kids to know about other religions, so they can understand how stupid they are. Someday they will learn all about Jesus in Sunday school, but I can at least start them early in understanding that Muhammad isn’t real, and Jesus was. Personally, I support Charlie Hebdo, and the job they’ve done in mocking these horrible, sickening religions. I hope that they come back from their troubles and don’t lose their religious edge.”

School officials say they are “looking into the matter,” but so far they have not fired or suspended the teacher from her position.

Televangelist T.D. Jakes Wants ‘Peppa Pig’ Cartoon Taken Off Air, Claims Show Contains Racist Subliminal Messages

Posted on December 20, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

DALLAS, Texas –

Superstar television evangelist T.D. Jakes is in the news this morning, after ranting about a popular children’s cartoon during a radio interview on WGOD AM, a non-profit, non-denominational based radio program which airs throughout the state of Texas.

Jakes, who is Bishop of The Potter’s House, the famous mega-church located in Dallas, claims that the animated children’s program Peppa Pig contains several unethical subconscious messages, most notably of sexual and racist content.

“We live together in a loving world, and sometimes that gets taken advantage of in an evil manner,” Jakes said. “Recently it was brought to my attention by a nice young lady in our congregation that while watching the cartoon program Peppa Pig, she noticed several suspicious, and very adult, references. When I sat down with her to watch an episode, I was overwhelmingly appalled to learn that her suspicions were, in fact, reality.”

The 57-year-old Man of God went on to explain that the characters featured on Peppa Pig highly resembled penises, and that characters were often gallivanting and making racist comments.

“They snort and laugh at the other animals, making fun of anyone who is not a pig. Plus, all the pig faces are drawn to look like penises and testicles. In the episode I watched, they told the rabbit and the turtle to ‘sit in the back of the bus’ as they snorted and giggled,” Jakes said. “It’s really inappropriate for young children. They even make reference to ‘muddy puddles,’ which is definitely a slang for African-Americans if I’ve ever heard one. Despicable!”

This is not the first time Peppa Pig has been called out for being racist. Members of the Muslim communities in the United Kingdom, where the show is recorded and produced, signed a petition in recent months claiming the show was clearly anti-Muslim and promoted the gross consumption of pork.

Empire News attempted to contact Jakes to no avail, but Nickelodeon officials did return an email saying there was absolutely no truth behind the claims of racism or sexual innuendo, and that the popular children’s program would continue to be aired in heavy rotation.

Peppa Pig, as most parents of toddlers are no doubt aware, currently airs at least 167 times daily, on networks such as Nickelodeon and Nick Jr. in the United States, and several others internationally.

Taliban Vows to Kill More Children If Demands Aren’t Met

Posted on December 17, 2014 by Angela Baker

PESHAWAR, Pakistan –

On Monday night, while most of America slumbered safely in their beds, Taliban gunman stormed a school in the Northwestern Pakistani city of Peshawar. Group leaders say the attack that killed 141 people, mostly children, will not be the last in their campaign.

A Pakistani military spokesman, Asim Bajwa, says this is not the first attack on children, and they expect the violence to escalate.

“This isn’t the first attack on our schools. The seven attackers are dead, thankfully, but I fear there will be bigger attacks to come. I don’t think that our government, or the American government, cares about this plight we are facing. I fear we are lost.”

“The problem is, there are many, many more people willing to join with the Taliban and blow their nuts off for this insane cause. All we can do is take ‘em out, one cave at a time,” said US military spokesperson Sam Jackson. “As aid, the US government plans to send some old metal detectors, retired volunteer policemen, and a guy wearing a McGruff the Crime Dog suit to help make their schools safer. We could send military, but to be honest, we just don’t give a shit about – Hey, wait. This is off the record, right?”

The Taliban has said that they believe this violent attack will help them recruit new members. “If you’re not with us you’re against us. Come join us, brothers, and we will teach you the way. We will kill soft, American piglets together. Death to infidels! Death to America!”

President Obama responded to the threats of further violence in Pakistan with a light shrug, and a frown-face. “We’ll do all we can, but to be fair, the gunmen have already been killed, so there’s no real reason to get involved right now. If this massacre and violence had happened in an American school, then the call to action would immediate. But this all happened on a foreign land, with foreign forces attacking foreign people in a foreign school. I think for now, we’ll just wait it out.”

Kentucky Middle Schools Forcing Students To Take Class On Satanic Bible

Posted on December 14, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

FRANKFORT, Kentucky –

The Kentucky Department of Education has approved, and even made it mandatory, that all state-run middle schools in the Commonwealth teach a one-semester class to all eighth grade student about the collections, essays, and rituals in the collective work of Anton LaVey’s infamous Satanic Bible.

Department spokesperson David Hastings made the announcement early this morning, citing the board of directors recent decision to allow various religious teachings in schools. According to their new policies, students are free to be able to study from a myriad of religions, even while attending schools that are part of the public sector. Normally, schools prefer to keep religion out of the classroom.

Hastings sent out an email to every teacher and parent in the state school system, saying that in this modern age, humanity needs to forget all that has been preached to them and start from the basics.

“People have the wrong idea immediately when The Satanic Bible is mentioned, almost all of whom have failed to read a single sentence of LaVey’s masterpiece. Some of these God-fearing folk have never even read the Christian bible, and how can you make religious and moral decisions for yourself if you haven’t studied the text?”

“For years the great teachers of our fine state have scratched our collective heads trying to solve the puzzle as to why we are so much further behind than most other states,” said Mark Ryder, a member of the state’s Department of Education. “The answer is simple – we have been programmed as followers instead of truth seekers. We are not saying there is a wrong or right, we are saying take all the information, piece it together and then decide how you feel as an individual.”

To help calm the concerned citizens, the state will also be offering free adult education classes on the course to help prepare parents for the inevitable questions that their children will have about Satan.

“I can’t believe it took this long!” said Iroquois Middle School principal Van Avery. “You can’t just pray at night and not work to survive; you have to do all the work. That’s what the Satanic bible will teach the children. It is wrong for the Christians to teach that all you have to do is pray to fix everything. I prayed once that I’d win the lottery, yet I can’t even win on a $5 scratch off. It is all lies. Seek the truth, don’t be a follower.”

The first students to participate in the state-wide course will be the eighth grade class of the school year 2016-2017.

Pope Francis Stepping Down, Says ‘There is no God’

Posted on November 29, 2014 by Abe Abrams

VATICAN CITY, Rome –

Pope Francis shocked the Catholic world today announcing that he plans on stepping down from his position. Papal Resignation is extremely rare, and this will only be the 7th time in the history of the church. Pope Francis made his announcement from his balcony in Vatican City to thousand of shocked spectators.

“I have come to the conclusion there is no God,” said Pope Francis, a man who has become known for his unorthodox views on the Catholic church. “I have dedicated my life to the church. Clearly, so many wasted years of unanswered prayers. I can no longer in good faith head the church anymore, as whatever spirit that had filled my heart is gone.”

A shocked crowd of onlookers became extremely quiet as the Pontiff continued, many of whom openly wept.

“I will stay on long enough for another Pope to be chosen, of course. I know many of you will be upset, but please be happy for me and my new life. I plan on spending my remaining years traveling, maybe finding a good woman and settling down. Hell, maybe even a good man. Who knows? It’s a new day, and I solemnly believe that everyone should choose to live their life the way they want. I wish you all the best and don’t let my decision stop you from believing in an imaginary God, if that’s what you want to do.”

”Pope Francis’ decision comes as no surprise to Vatican insiders, his hard-line stance on altar boy molestation, his generosity to the poor, and his blessing of gay marriage have made unpopular among priests of the church,” says Vatican reporter Francesco Rinaldi. “Some say the Pope was being blackmailed to step down by Church officials. Whatever the reason, most look forward to his departure so the Church can get back to business as usual – hating gays and bashing sinners.”

‘Diary of Anne Frank’ Flagged For Plagiarism

Posted on November 22, 2014 by DvanL

AMSTERDAM, Netherlands –

The Diary of Anne Frank, required reading for many middle-schoolers since its publication in 1947, was recently flagged for plagiarism, a discovery credited to 12-year old student Hanne Flüvke, who ran the book through an online plagiarism checker.

Through a translator Flüvke said, “We had to write a paper on Anne Frank and how she would be today in society. ‘Would she use Facebook and texting?’ my teacher asked, so I was checking my paper to make sure I wasn’t copying anything another person wrote.”

“Suddenly I became not very happy,” said Flüvke. “I started my report with Justin Bieber when he said he thought Anne Frank would be a ‘Belieber’ and my grandmother said, ‘Remember when I used to read you The Diary of Anne Frank every night when you were just a little girl before I could not see anymore?’” Hanne dug back through her closet and found the well-worn copy of the book her grandmother had read to her as a bedtime story years before.

On a fluke, Flüvke entered passages from Diary into an online copycat detector and found that nearly every passage was flagged for plagiarism. “Everything I entered from my grandmother’s copy of The Diary of Anne Frank showed up as a copy from another book called The Diary of a Young Girl, also published in 1947. I didn’t know which one was the real one, so I called my local newspaper to help me find out.”

“The little child was right!” said Johannes Bleek, editor of Amsterdam’s Daily Chronicler. “Everything matched. I don’t know how people could have overlooked such a thing as this before! Perhaps they let it go since the story was so sad about the little girl.”

The Supreme Court of the Netherlands (Hoge Raad der Nederlanden) ruled last week that The Diary of Anne Frank was indeed directly sourced – without credit – from The Diary of A Young Girl, and that proper royalty payments owed to the Frank family would have to be recalculated. The Court also ruled that any unauthorized use of the former book would make violators liable for prosecution under international law.

“I didn’t want to start any troubles,” said Flüvke. “I just wanted to write a paper, so now I don’t know what to do. Maybe I’ll write about Justin Bieber if I made believe he was locked up in the attic and I rescued him, which I hope never happens to him someday because I want to marry him.”

Bleek published an editorial urging citizens to burn unauthorized copies of The Diary of Anne Frank in the town square. The date of the public book burning will be set after the editor secures the necessary public fire department permits.

Pope Francis Changes His Stance On Homosexuality, Gives Blessing On Gay Marriage

Posted on November 21, 2014 by Abe Abrams

VATICAN CITY, Rome –

In a stunning move yesterday, Pope Francis has had a major reversal on his position of gay marriage. As leader of the Catholic Church, his blessing of gay marriage has upended an almost 2000 year position on the subject. Throughout the world, gay and lesbian Catholic couples celebrated the Pope’s change of heart. Here in the United States, this will no doubt influence many states to finally legalize gay marriage.

“For too many years, the church has excluded a whole segment of the population. I see now that this was wrong and I humbly ask for forgiveness,” said His Holiness, Pope Francis, in a written statement. “I would like to thank the special, anonymous person that changed my mind, for the DVD they sent me changed my life. They know who they are. I now see that the love gay couples share is equal to the love all couples share. I would also like to thank Miss Sasha Grey and Miss Raven Riley for the film they made, Lessons In Lesbian Licking 14, as it has opened my eyes to a whole new world. I have ordered Lessons 1-13 now as well, for I feel it is my obligation to explore those that have been neglected by the Church. I have sent numerous messages to Miss Grey and Miss Riley for them to come visit me here at the Vatican, but I have yet to get a response. It is my hope this message reaches them.”

“It’s fabulous! Just super-fab!” said Larry Lance, an openly gay man in San Diego. “If the Pope was here right now, I would kiss that silly hat of his. Turns out he’s a horny old man, but who cares?! God bless him! Today I’m proud to say ‘I’m here, I’m queer, and I’m Catholic!’”

ISIS Supporter In Houston Beaten Unconscious By Army Veteran

Posted on October 23, 2014 by DvanL

HOUSTON, Texas –

The Militants of the Islamic State in Iraq and al-Sham (ISIS) have lately become the most fanatical radical organization in the world. Cult-like recruiting tactics have gone global, with reports of American citizens lending support, and even traveling overseas to pledge their allegiance to the anti-American group.

Yesterday in Houston at Dodson Lake Park, one such supporter who had decided to speak out in favor of the terrorist organization and against America was beaten unconscious by a US Army veteran.

The anti-American speaker, whose name has been withheld until a security check can be fully completed, insisted he was exercising his Constitutional freedom of speech rights when he began approaching strangers at the popular water park/playground and quoting from the pro-ISIS leaflets he was handing out.

Vietnam and Gulf War war veteran Jim McDaniels, 61, was spending the day with his wife and twin granddaughters when he noticed a man who he described as ‘a little jumpy’ walking up to everyone handing out leaflets. “He walked over to us, kind of pushed the thing in our face and said ‘spread the word,’ so I took it,” explained McDaniels. “Then he started to walk away. The paper had all these symbols on it, pictures of ISIS guards and a map of the United States with a big red X on it next to a frowny face. ‘Is this shit for real?’ I asked him. I never swear, mind you. But it was so hateful it got under my skin. That’s why I decided to tell this guy to get lost,” said McDaniels.

The vet walked over to the unidentified speaker and asked him to stop handing out the anti-American material. “I was telling him for his own good – you don’t pick a place like Houston to start talking against the government – you’re gonna get your butt kicked. I just wanted him to get the hell away.”

The protester didn’t take kindly to the advice offered to him by McDaniels. “He got in my face,” said McDaniels, “and started saying it’s his right to say whatever he wants, the US has oppressed people all over the world, blah blah blah and all this other junk. I fought for his right to speak in not one but two wars, and told him so. Once he found out I was a veteran, he started calling me a traitor, and that’s when I lost it. I clocked the guy – one punch and boom down he went. My family stepped in and pulled me away.”

Now the protester is suing McDaniels. “It doesn’t surprise me a bit,” said the veteran. “I knocked the guy out cold. It’s funny, though, because if he’s so anti-America, he certainly isn’t showing it by doing the most American thing there is and taking me to court.”

As for the lawsuit, McDaniels isn’t worried. “Believe it or not, I’m not mad at the guy. I’m sure he’s harmless, but severely misguided, obviously. He doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’ve got a lawyer, we’ll figure something out, but I don’t think he’ll be coming around the park again any time soon.”

The Secret To How ISIS Is Gaining Support And Funds From Around The Globe

Posted on October 9, 2014 by Rab

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Lead investigators from the Department of Defense have finally straightened out how exactly terrorist group ISIS is getting most of their money.

“It’s amazing to me, that this day and age, this idea didn’t occur to us before scraping the bottom of the barrel,” said DOD Defense Secretary Robert Gates. “As it turns out, this militant group are using self-made crowd funding websites to create and distribute their propaganda, and raise funds to continue their reign of terror. They seek support via the internet from regions they know will listen and back their ideals, and then provide links to their internet pages to those areas. They have secretly amassed billions of dollars for weapons, research and development – and lately most has been related to destroying the ‘American Pigs’, who they say should ‘never have gotten involved in their business.'”

With the Pentagon learning of the ISIS crowd funding sources, the Department of Defense has been in a panic. “They are doing crazy things on these sites,” Says Gates. “Just like Kickstarter and most other crowd funding sites, ISIS is offering perks for donations of different levels. The perks start small; ISIS t-shirts and ‘I SUPPORT ISIS’ bumper stickers, but the bigger the donation, the more horrific the perk, including specified bombings and attacks if you donate $250,000 or more. Their end goal is to get enough money to purchase rockets capable of oceanic flight. We are currently looking into which country they may purchase from once they reach their goal.”

After acquiring all of this information, the DOD has now launched a task force whose sole purpose is finding these crowd funding sites and taking them down permanently. “While it doesn’t erase the problem, it definitely puts a damper on their plans,” Says Gates. “We’re actually reaching out to members of Anonymous to help us, which is something I never thought I’d have to say out loud. At this point in time, though, better to help fight a foreign enemy with, essentially, a domestic enemy, than to not fight at all. I just hope we can eradicate the problem before they discover what kinds of support they could gain by creating a Facebook group.”

Osama bin Laden Found Alive In Pennsylvania Amish Community

Posted on October 3, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

LANCASTER COUNTY, Pennsylvania –

Spokesperson Mikal Anaba of the National Security Agency has confirmed that Osama bin Laden was not killed by Seal Team Six as originally thought, as has been found living in an Amish community located in Lancaster, Pennsylvania.

“We have been following leads for the past several months based on the belief that Osama bin Laden was alive and well, and living in the United States. After several tips about a man toting around a ‘machine’ in an Amish community in Pennsylvania, a thorough investigation revealed that this was indeed bin Laden, and the machine in question was a dialysis machine,” Anaba told the Associated Press early this morning.

From 2001 to 2011, bin Laden was the prime target of the United States’ war on terror. The Federal Bureau of Investigation put a $25 million bounty on bin Laden as ‘America’s Most Wanted’ killer. On May 2, 2011, it had been believed that bin Laden was shot and killed inside his private residence in Abbottabad, Pakistan by members of the United States Naval Special Warfare Development Group in a covert operation ordered by United States President Barack Obama.

Spokesperson Anaba did not reveal where bin Laden was being held currently, but insisted that ‘swift action’ would be taken, and the mastermind terrorist would be dealt with immediately.

“He will be handled in a timely manner, as soon as it is declared that he can not or will not provide any useful information on the current state of terrorism,” Anaba stated.

Many Americans had been feeling that bin Laden may be alive after the so-called raid and shooting had taken place in 2011, and no photographic or video proof has surfaced to prove that he was, indeed, deceased. When asked whether there would be evidence to prove to the American people that this was indeed Osama bin Laden, Anaba told the press, “I promise to you that we have Osama bin Laden in custody, this is strictly an operation of the United States government and it will be handled within our own walls.”

“Can we provide proof? Of course we can,” continued Anaba. “We can always provide proof when we need to. Will we provide proof? It is not our job to decide. That will be up to President Obama and his administration. Until then, I can only confirm that Osama bin Laden is in the custody of the United States government and that he will be handled and dealt with a very swift manner of action.”

Speculation of bin Laden’s acquaintance to the terror group known as ISIS has been considered since it was discovered he was living in the United States, however Anaba denied to comment on the matter.

“I cannot confirm nor deny that we may or may not believe ISIS is connected with Osama bin Laden. This issue will not be addressed in a public manner at this time,” Anaba added. “To be quite honest, you’re all lucky we’re even telling you that we found him in the first place. This whole thing could have been really hush-hush, and you’d all just assume he’d been dead since 2011. Next time you think your government is hiding secrets from you, remember this situation and know that – okay, yeah, we keep things from you all the time. Never mind.”