Dalai Lama Considering Early Reincarnation; Just Wants to be a Kid Again

Posted on April 21, 2015 by Josh Marcus

TIBET –

The 14th Dalai Lama has told followers that he is considering early reincarnation. His motivation, he says, is that he just wants to be a kid again. He looked back fondly on his early days before he was identified as the successor to the 13th Dalai Lama.

“I was just over two when they came for me, and I know they say that you don’t remember anything before the age of three, but technically I’m way older,” he said. “It’s hard to be a Lama, especially one of the Dalai kind, and the idyllic days of lazing in the grass, with sand tickling my naked bottom – it’s hard to recapture them. When I do that now, I have to pretend it’s for spiritual reasons.”

Mr Lama also spoke about his tense relations with China, due to his former alliance with the Tibetan Liberation Movement.

“I want to be friends with them, not enemies. And it makes me sad that they stop me being friends with other autonomous nations.”

The Dalai Lama has been refused entry into South Africa on numerous occasions, as they do not want to compromise relations with China.

“I wanted to visit my old friend, [Archbishop] Desmond Tutu. But they wouldn’t let me go to his birthday bash. Has anyone ever stopped a toddler from attending birthday parties because of international relations concerns? No. Here’s to being a baby.”

Easter Holiday Provides Cause for Bunnies and Chocolate to Celebrate

Posted on April 7, 2015 by Josh Marcus

WORLDWIDE –

Did the Easter weekend allow you to spend time with your families, relax, and enjoy life for once? If so, you’re in good company. Bunnies around the world celebrated the rare opportunity to enjoy a healthy meal of chocolate eggs, while glowing in the glory of the one time of the year that they have prominence. The tradition of the Easter Bunny is long-running, and is connected to their love of chocolate, and their abstinence through the rest of the year.

The New Testament states that, “One weekend a year, the bunnies shall inherit the earth.” However, a caveat states that they have the responsibility to, “deliver chocolate eggs to all, and eat chocolate only in that period of the cycle of the sun (Matthew 3:15).”

“Easter is always very special to us,” head of the bunnies, Hopper McJumpstein told reporters. “Most of the year we’re derided as something for dogs to chase; our feet are cut off by people for superstitious good luck; little children buy us and immediately stop feeding us and cry when we run away. But on Easter, no one is more important than the rabbits. Well okay, Jesus Christ is pretty important… But aside from him.”

Pope Francis greeted bunnies visiting the Vatican with enthusiasm, and a smile wider than that he usually portrays.

“I’m a big fan of Bugs Bunny,” he announced to a cheering crowd. “These rabbits will be protected by the Vatican. That is a promise for all time.”

Producers of chocolate also rejoiced, adding that they too are derided as unhealthy for humans and animals alike, but this time of the year they get to play a part in religious destiny.

“Our ancestor, Willy Wonka, is surely looking down on us with grace and joy,” Nestle announced. “We know that he is proud of what we’ve done, and the impact we have on the spiritual world. Without us, chocolates and bunnies would experience only persecution. What we have done is make the humble into happy beings.”

Lorde to Drop the ‘E’ and Reveal Herself as Lord and Savior

Posted on April 6, 2015 by Josh Marcus

NEW ZEALAND –

18-year-old singer-songwriter Lorde is expected to drop the ‘e’ from her name and reveal herself as our Lord and Savior. The New Zealander, formerly known as Ella Yelich-O’Connor, has apparently been waiting for the Easter weekend to pass, to initiate the Second Coming, in accordance with New Testament lore.

“I returned from the dead three days after the Crucifixion,” she wrote in a letter to the New York Times. “Three days from that, ie. this coming Tuesday, I will complete my resurrection, using the medium of pop music to bring in the new Messianic era.”

Christian aficionados around the world reacted with anticipation and fear to the announcement, having waited 2000 years for this moment.

“When she released [her breakthrough single] ‘Royals’, I knew,” said Pastor John Harryworth. “‘Blood stains, ball gowns, trashin’ the hotel room’ is clearly a reference to the incarnation of Christ, through the consumption of his blood in Communion. Ball gowns refers to the parties that will follow her revelation. Trashin’ the hotel room refers to the rapture, when the world will be trashed, like a celebrity’s hotel room.”

But many are worried that the world is not ready for Lorde’s revelation, saying that the rapture will take only the righteous few to heaven, leaving the rest of humanity to hell on earth.

“Look, I appreciate what Lorde’s trying to do, and I must say I love her music – remember that when you choose the righteous, sweetheart – but it’s not the right time,” said Rev. Jesse Jackson. “We need a few years to convert the majority of the 7 billion human beings, and your music will be able to do that. You’re just superb.”

The announcement dispels previous rumors that Lorde was to drop the ‘r’ and become part of a rock formation.

Woman Claims She’s Pregnant With Pope’s Baby After Visit To Vatican City

Posted on March 9, 2015 by Josh Marcus

VATICAN CITY, Rome –

A trip to the Vatican generally means returning with heightened spiritual awareness, having had an awakening at one of the world centers of religion. One Californian woman got a little more than she bargained for. Christina Jean claims that, after a day trip to the holy city, she has returned pregnant with Pope Francis’ baby.

“The pope knocked me up,” the 32-year-old mother of five told Empire News. “Ol’ Francis is a charmer, and I won’t lie, I jumped at the opportunity to make sweet love to the head of the Catholic Church. Now I got Pope baby in my belly, and I can’t wait for my holy waters to burst.”

Vatican officials moved swiftly to deny Longman’s claims.

“This is a disgraceful attempt at defamation of Pope Francis,” said Vatican spokesman, Federico Lombardi. “The pope is celibate, as is well known, and although he is particularly charismatic, and he’d have a long line of ladies queuing up for the opportunity were he to break his vows, he is a truly upstanding leader, who would not lift a finger – or any limb – that compromised our holy institution.”

The pope himself went over and above his press office, organizing his own press conference to deal with the controversy.

“I know Christina well,” he told reporters. “She often comes to me with requests for blessings and prayers, and I have granted everything she has asked. A couple of months ago she asked for a blessing to become pregnant with a sixth child. I gave her the blessing – nothing more – which did indeed make her pregnant. That is where the misunderstanding came in. Chrissie Jean is not my lover. She’s just a girl who says that I am the one. But the kid is not my son.”

Jean, however, hit back at Pope Francis, saying that she felt “betrayed.”

“He said he’d look after me and our child, and now he denies everything. He said he’d leave his position for me. Francis dear, Why have you forsaken me?”

Groundbreaking Study Shows Prayer Might Not Actually Help Terminally Ill Patients

Posted on February 15, 2015 by Justin Birch

CONCORD, Massachusetts –

An important study recently concluded that gathered the minds of doctors, scientists, priests, and hundreds of thousands of people revealed some potentially devastating information: praying for people with terminal illnesses might not save their lives or even relieve their suffering.

In the five year long study, one hundred terminally ill cancer patients volunteered to take part. Half of them acted as the control group, while almost a million people, sourced through various channels, prayed for the other half consistently. The results: each case ended at completely random intervals, with only one person making a full recovery. This one man was in the control group.

“I had a hunch prayer might not be as effective as people make it out to be, but I never thought it would be completely useless,” one of the leading doctors for the study remarked.

The group behind the study followed up with a report stating that the findings were not entirely conclusive since “God’s will can’t be proven,” suggesting that the Holy Spirit already had different plans for this group of people. Nonetheless, it raises skepticism and is pushing more doctors to rely on their years of painstaking medical studies instead of prayer.

“The craziest part for me,” one of the study’s unbiased third-party observers said, “is that the people in the non-prayer group actually did better overall. I mean obviously with something like cancer it’s hard to tell because every case is different, but since people weren’t allowed to pray for them they spent their time raising money for research, helping them pay their medical bills, and in general doing whatever else they could to help.”

Several members of the study’s prayer group also chipped in to financially and emotionally support the control group without prayer, often finding that their time felt much better spent. A much larger and longer-term study is scheduled to begin in a few months to hopefully gather a second round of evidence.

Mother Who ‘Prayed the Gay Away’ Severely Regrets the Loss of Her Son’s Fabulousness

Posted on February 15, 2015 by Josh Marcus

BOSTON, New York –

Area mom Joanne Silverstam, who recently succeeded at ‘praying the gay away’ in her 16-year-old son, says her only regret is the loss of his absolute fabulousness. The Jewish parent believes wholeheartedly that the drastic measure was necessary for Johnny to fit in with the community, and not to bring shame on the family. However, he no longer has the gorgeous fashion sense and flamboyant personality which she acknowledges made him her favorite child.

“Johnny is a sweet boy, and will remain that way. But he’s lost that… pizazz, if you will, which made him special,” lamented the mother of five. “I love his siblings, but none of them could make me laugh with those outrageously bitchy remarks which used to come naturally to him. Now I have no one to tell me when I’m making a fashion faux-pas, or that I need a pedicure.”

Religious leader Rabbi Greenstein praised the mother’s determination, saying, “It’s hard for a parent to see such dramatic changes in her child. But when he grows up to be a good husband, a career-oriented man who supports his family with a respectable, menschedik job, she’ll realize it was all for the good, and forget about his former ostentatious self.”

The newly-heterosexual boy’s best friend, Molly Halpern, agreed with the mother’s sentiment.

“I don’t know what will happen to our friendship now. It was based on a shared love of eye-catching hair-dos, shamelessly gaudy outfits, and fabulous skin. The new Johnny – with that deteriorating complexion and those clunky formal shoes – is almost a stranger to me. Plus, I see the way he checks out my boobs now. It’s just weird.”

Johnny himself expressed no such regrets. “I’m on my way now to becoming an accountant, just like my family wanted,” he said, in a gruff monotone nothing like his previously lilting, sing-song voice. “I’ve given up the gratuitous activities I used to waste my time on, like dancing and theater. I need to focus on the straight-and-narrow lifestyle now, and forget about how drab these khaki pants are I just bought.

Spirit Medium Says Murdered Jordanian Pilot Contacted Him, Gives Message For ISIS

Posted on February 9, 2015 by Josh Marcus

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Mu’adh al-Kasasbeh, the Jordanian pilot murdered in the most recent video released by militant group ISIS, apparently transmitted a message of hope from Heaven yesterday. According to world-renowned spirit medium John Edward, al-Kasasbeh says that although he misses his family and friends, he is having a great time in the next world.

“I’m considered a martyr up here,” the psychic related, channeling al-Kasabeh. “I’ve got all the privileges of all those holy to Allah. And, I’ve got all the virgins that ISIS members would have received, if not for transgressing the Holy Word with all the innocent blood they’ve shed.”

ISIS leader, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, hit back with a vituperative attack on the pilot’s character, and accused him of being an American agent, spreading propaganda.

“He is not a martyr!” he shouted on ISIS’ official YouTube channel. “He is a mouthpiece for American propaganda. I can see him burning in purgatory, not in the paradise reserved for the true soldiers of Allah. Don’t forget – please like and subscribe to stay informed about the latest beheadings, shown live here on ISIS TV on YouTube.”

al-Kasasbeh issued a swift and biting response, stating that, not only is he screwing all their virgins, he’s been given access to “your dead wives, mothers, and daughters, even though those whores [who] were violated long ago.”

al-Baghdadi, whose relationship with his deceased mother has been described as “kinda creepy – like a Norman Bates sorta thing,” was secretly recorded sobbing, and repeating the words, “too soon.”

Medium John Edward says that this is the first time he has been contacted by a spirit without an audience present.

Priest Filmed Taking Part In Sexual Activities In Confession Booth Given Two Week Suspension

Posted on February 3, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

ALBANY, New York –

A catholic priest, Father Paul Michael Harrison, has been suspended for two weeks after being filmed taking part in sexual activities in a confessional at the Holy Cathedral Heart of Mary Catholic Church in downtown Albany, New York.

The church released a statement and provided details of the “sinful and unethical” acts committed by Harrison to the public this afternoon. Sister Marilyn Abagail Swain, head nun at the church said that she was emailed video of Harrison and a female taking part in a ‘crude act’ inside the church’s confession booth, and that upon inspection of the booth, she found Harrison had cut a slot into the partition which separates the priest and the person confessing.

“Father Harrison has been suspended for two weeks by the church for having oral sex with a woman through what I’m told is called a glory hole. The woman, Melissa White, emailed several videos of herself and Father Harrison taking part in the acts on several occasions. We at Holy Cathedral of Mary wish to maintain the church’s integrity, while still offering the reverend unconditional forgiveness,” Sister Swain said in an email sent out to members of the church.

“I just thought that I should confess what happens in that confessional,” said White. “I didn’t think I could keep going in there, over and over, week after week, and sucking off a priest, without telling someone else. I thought if I went back on a different day, I could maybe get another priest, but I figured he might just talk me into giving him a beej, too. So, filming it and sending it to the church seemed like the better option.”

A friend of White’s, who wished to remain anoynmous, says that the White had started going to the church only recently, to confess about her addiction to frequently performing oral sex on strangers.

Members Of Westboro Baptist Church Say Oreo Cookies Promote Interracial Orgies

Posted on February 1, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

TOPEKA, Kansas –

Members of the outspoken, infamous, and highly controversial Westboro Baptist Church in Topeka, Kansas, are expected to travel to East Hanover, New Jersey next week to protest outside Nabisco headquarters, where they will condemn the production of Oreo cookies. They say the chocolate cookies with the white cream filling subliminally suggests to consumers to participate in interracial orgies and affairs.

John Dunston, 46, of Topeka and one of thirty-nine active members of the church, says that Nabisco is primarily targeting white females to subliminally take part in sexual activities with multiple African-American men.

“Just look at the cookie. It has a sweet, creamy, soft, white filling, with a hard brown cookie on the bottom and a hard brown cookie on top. This is obviously supporting and suggesting evil acts between a white female and two black males,” Dunston said. “We have had enough of this garbage, and we are going to make a stand to condemn this evil.”

Dunston went on to say all members of Westboro Baptist Church will be traveling to New Jersey sometime next week to participate in a “game changing protest,”

Opponents of the church say they believe interracial sexual activity is not a sin, such as 24-year-old Marquis Thompson. “I mean, you know, if a white girl wants to live out her fantasy with a couple strapping niggas, then so be it. It’s a free country ain’t it? They just mad because they all fat ugly white people, and they stupid as shit. Listen bruh, people gon’ do what people wanna do, this is the home of the free and streets of da free – black, white, yellow, don’t mean shit in the United States of America, believe that,” Thompson said.

Pope Francis Praises Attack Of Charlie Hebdo, Demands Retraction After Media Reports He ‘Condemned’ Act

Posted on January 11, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

ROME, Italy –

Just moments after the celestial sky above gave way to sunrise above the sacred grounds of the Vatican this morning, Pope Francis has demanded a retraction from media outlets worldwide, after they mistakenly reported that the Pontiff ‘condemned’ the attacks on Paris’ Charlie Hebdo.

His Excellency issued a shocking statement of approval regarding the deadly terror attack on the French satirical newspaper that killed at least twenty-two people. The Vatican’s chief spokesman, the Reverend Federico Lombardi, shared the Pope’s written statement to the media this morning, asking all publications who wish to re-print it word-for-word.

Lombardi appeared ridden with anxiety, sweating profusely amongst the vast sea of media representatives and diplomats from around the globe, as he presented the Pope’s opinions on the vicious attacks.

“Religion shall not be immune to extreme criticism, but its opponents should use rational critique as opposed to mindless mockery in the form of so-called satire. Rational critique can be constructive, building foundations of faith, while senseless disrespectful mockery is detrimental to worldly community cohesion. Those who poke at the ribs of Christ shall face the ultimate consequence of their actions.

Charlie Hebdo deserved the onslaught of terror they have endured for mocking the son of God, as fate has proven. Those who take part in the belittling of Our One True religion will pay the ultimate price at the hands of any forces necessary, whether holy or evil, the work shall be done as a warning to all. This was not about harm at the hands of a vengeful people who worship Muhammad, a false prophet, but an act of a vengeful God, the God, who is tired of ridicule at the hands of the people.

The world has seen the wrath of God, and have learned something from this unfortunate, but inevitable, attack. This is our new world, based on the rules we have undeniably changed. The apocalyptic crusades have come to fruition.”

The statement resonated with apocalyptic-like sentiment, suggesting the Catholic Church’s approval of evil forces, such as the Muslim extremists who carried out the attack, to fight for the sake of belief against all non-believing propaganda, with the results benefiting the Catholic Church.

Pope Francis has been known as the most lenient and unconditionally loving pope in history. Some believe he had simply been playing the role of a master strategist, acting as a paper-tiger, while awaiting the birth of the apocalypse.

The decision to have spokesman Lombardi present the statement, as opposed to the Pope himself, who has not been seen publicly since its release, has ignited profound suspicions of conspiracy.