Man Arrested, Charged With Sexual Assault For Changing Daughter’s Diaper In Public

Posted on August 11, 2014 by A. Michael Smith

NEWARK, New Jersey –

A Newark man was arrested and charged with sexual assault of a minor for changing his 4-year-old daughter’s dirty diaper in a McDonald’s restaurant. Greg James, 29, was taken into police custody after an altercation with the store’s assistant manager, who found James openly changing his young daughter in the middle of the restaurant’s Play Place, triggered another customer to call 911.

“The two were in a booth in our Play Place area,” said restaurant assistant manager Jim Del. “The restaurant wasn’t very busy at the time, so they were alone in there. I went in to change the trash can liners, and Mr. James was yelling at his daughter for not letting him know she had to use the bathroom. He had her laying on the table, completely naked, and was cleaning her off using napkins and soda from his cup.”

Del reportedly asked James to take the girl into the bathrooms, where they had a changing area for small children.

“He told me to go f— myself, and he’d take care of it,” said Del. “He then yelled at his daughter because she was squirming, telling her to ‘stop f—– moving around’ while he finished changing her.”

Police responded to a call made by another patron of the McDonald’s, who reported seeing the father yelling at the young girl.

“I had just come into the McD’s with my 5-year-old son, and we had gotten our food and were walking into the play area,” said Martha Biggs, the patron who called the police. “And I see this man holding down a young, naked girl, a dirty poop-diaper sitting on the table next to his food, and he’s wiping her with napkins. The poor girl, she was crying. One of the employees was trying to get him to take his daughter into the bathroom, and he wouldn’t. I took my son out of the play area and immediately called the police.”

When officers arrived, James was readying to leave the restaurant, and they confronted him about the incident.

“Mr. James became belligerent, and tried taking a swing at one of the officers at the scene,” said Captain Aaron Silver of the Newark Police Department. “He claimed he had done nothing wrong and that we were ‘illegally detaining’ him. After several minutes, officers were able to forcibly arrest Mr. James and bring him in. His daughter was brought to the station as well and later picked up by her mother.”

James was arrested on one count of resisting arrest, and one count of sexual assault of a minor.

“Although normally one would think of sexual assault as a form of molestation or an actual sexual act, that is not all the falls under that definition when it comes to children,” said Captain Silver. “Because Mr. James had stripped his daughter in public, in full-view of any other patrons who walked in, including the woman who called us to inform of the incident, as well as her very young son, he is being charged with sexual assault, a crime he committed by openly disregarding the safety and privacy of his young daughter.”

James was released on $10,000 bail, and is due in court in September. He is restricted from unsupervised visits with his daughter until a verdict is made.

McDonald’s Reveals Ingredients In Big Mac ‘Secret Sauce’; You Won’t Believe What’s In It

Posted on August 4, 2014 by JP

OAK BROOK, Illinois –

McDonald’s Corporation has always been a company of speculations and urban legends – everything from styrofoam being used in their shakes to kangaroo meat in their burgers. No matter what the rumor was, though, McDonald’s usually didn’t make a statement about it at all, choosing to remain quiet and ignore detractors. This morning, though, the company chose to make an announcement that would put an end to some speculation over a popular item on their menu.

Since the release of the iconic Big Mac, one of McDonald’s most popular menu items, people have been asking the same question for years: What is in that special sauce? Even the once-popular jingle for the burger, “Two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, on a sesame seed bun,” mentions it – but kept the tangy, sweet sauce ingredients a mystery. Even movies like Nickelodeon’s Good Burger parodied the “secret sauce” concept. It’s been talked about for years, but never publicly commented on by anyone from the restaurant.

Finally, after years of wondering, curiosity, and frustration, CEO Donald Thompson has put the debates to rest.

“It’s just Thousand Island dressing, salt, sugar, and generic Miracle Whip,” said Thompson. “Were you expecting it to be something super-special-secret? Sorry to disappoint. It’s good though, right? People have been saying for years that it was just dressing, but we thought it was something ‘special,’ and we wanted to keep it that way.”

An anonymous source from inside McDonald’s has said that Thompson finally announced the ingredients to the sauce because the company is planning on brining out a new, major food item that they say could very well replace the Big Mac as its flagship menu item.

“The new item, it’s not really a burger. Well, I don’t want to say too much,” said the source. “But think about this – would they really tell everyone what the ‘secret sauce’ was made of if there wasn’t something bigger and better coming down the pipeline? You’ll just have to wait and see.”

5-Year-Old Finds Human Finger In His McDonald’s Happy Meal

Posted on July 23, 2014 by JP

MONTPELIER, Vermont –

One of the biggest fast food restaurants in the world will be facing yes another lawsuit that could potentially take a huge chunk from the their bank account. McDonald’s is under the spotlight after a 5-year-old boy discovered a human finger in his Happy Meal earlier this week.

The Happy Meal was purchased at a location in Montpelier, Vermont, and employees there are baffled to how something like this happened under what store management claims is a ‘tightly run ship.’

“I can’t believe that something like this happened. I have no idea how it could have,” said Dan Green, manager of the McDonald’s location where the finger was allegedly found. “I’ve literally checked all my employees hands, and all of them still have their fingers, so we believe that are restaurant wasn’t the cause of the problem. Either the finger came from further up the industrial ladder, or the family themselves planted it in the meal.”

To add to the confusion, it wasn’t until hours after the Happy Meal was purchased that the local mother, Erica Silver, came back in, causing an uproar about it. The item was purchased in the drive-thru of the McDonald’s, and Goldsmith claims she had no idea that the finger was in there until she noticed her son was sucking on something.

“I handed it to my son in the back seat, as I always do, and he ate his nuggets and apple slices,” said Silver. “When we got home, I noticed that he was sucking on something. I thought at first it was an apple slice, but I screamed in horror when I pulled it out of his mouth to discover it was a finger!”

Silver’s son, Mark, was taken to the emergency room where he was checked for possible diseases or infection, and to Silver’s relief, they found no issues.

“They are lucky that he didn’t get sick from sucking that finger,” said Silver. “That does not excuse the fact, though, that they need better management of their food and what goes into the containers. You can bet that I’m going to be speaking to my attorney about this.”

McDonald’s corporation has denied comment on the matter, pending an internal investigation.

Over the years, many people have claimed to find disturbing things in their McDonald’s means, including teeth, band-aids, hair, bits of plastic, and even bits of trash. This marks the first time the company has been accused of letting a finger slip through the cracks and into a meal container.

Fast Food Chains Brace For Onslaught Of Fake ‘Sympathy Stories’ By Parents Of Disfigured Children

Posted on June 25, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

OAK BROOK, Illinois –

McDonald’s, Wendy’s, Burger King, and several other fast food chains have been preparing for the worst, after a story about a girl with scars from a pitbull attack was allegedly asked to leave a KFC restaurant in Jackson, Mississippi because her face was “scaring other customers.”

When that story proved to be completely false, made up by the family of the young girl to gain sympathy and money for her surgeries, other fast food chains buckled down, preparing for an onslaught of fake stories created by parents of ugly or disfigured children.

“We have already informed all of our store managers that they need to treat every customer with dignity and respect, something they strive to do already.” Said Ray Kroc, president of theMcDonald’s Corporation. “We also let them know that if they get any ugly or otherwise ‘messed up’ kids in their restaurants, that they need to go the extra mile for them, and their families. We can’t take any chances, here.”

KFC Corporation had initially offered to donate $30,000 to Victoria Wilcher, the young girl who was reportedly asked to leave their restaurant, to help pay for her rapidly rising medical costs. When news broke that Wilcher’s grandmother, Kelly Mullins, had fabricated the story, KFC actually stood by their offer, something other companies might have never done.

“We offered her the money, we’re not going to take it back now.” Said Harland Sanders, president of KFC Corporation. “I mean, if the family wants to not take the money now that the world knows they’re complete liars, then that’s up to them.”

“That story went viral, and before they knew what hit them, KFC was giving away thousands of dollars. It’s now been proven that [the family] completely made up the story.” Said Dave Thomas, president of Wendy’s Restaurants. “Are they bad people for trying to scam a multi-billion dollar corporation? Well, that’s for everyone else and KFC to decide, not me. I’m not the one handing over thirty grand.”

Several fast food chains have already gone on record as saying that they will not be giving a cent to anyone, no matter how severe their fake claims are, or how hard they tug on the heartstrings of a gullible public, without proper research into any allegations.

“I don’t care if someone says we dragged a kid with no legs out of his wheelchair and pelted him with chicken nuggets,” said Kroc. “We’re not even giving the kid a free Happy Meal until we’ve investigated the matter internally.”

In this sue-happy, complaint-riddled world, it’s not just restaurants that need to be worried about these fake ‘sympathy stories.’ The entire retail world is shaking where they stand, readying themselves to be sued for anything from an offensive TV commercial to a store employee with bad breath.

“We’ve had so many complaints over the years, so many stories made up about us, I can’t keep track of them all.” Said Sanders. “We use rats instead of chicken, that our chickens are mutants, that we support the KKK…we’ve had them all. You know what, though? We’re still here, still clucking right along.”

So far, no comments have been made publicly by Victoria’s family, but their Facebook page, which was set up to help raise money for Victoria’s medical bills and was the page that originally posted the allegations against KFC, was removed on Tuesday afternoon.