McDonald’s Gives In To Demands From Employees, Raises Their Wages To $15 Per Hour

OAK BROOK, Illinois – McDonald's Gives In To Demands From Employees, Raises Their Wages To 15 Per Hour

For the last year, employees at major fast food restaurants, including McDonald’s and Burger King, have been protesting for higher wages, claiming that even the lowest paid employee should be making $15 an hour, almost double the Federal Minimum Wage, but closer to what they say is the “livable wage” they need to survive. Today, in an unprecedented showing of gratitude for its employees by a major corporation, McDonald’s has agreed to bump their minimum pay to the $15 USD an hour the workers wanted.

“The McDonald’s corporation would like to formally announce the new pay scale for our employees,” said Donald Thompson, CEO of McDonald’s. “From now on everyone in our restaurants will be paid the livable wage they were looking for.”

Thompson went on to say that the employees had ‘long been looking’ for this pay raise, and that he felt they ‘definitely deserved it.’

“We know that their jobs are really, really hard,” said Thompson. “They have to stand on their feet for sometimes 4 or 5 hours a day, and take orders from customers, flip burgers and throw down fries. They are forced to repeatedly make the same mediocre food over and over again, using almost completely automated cooking appliances. They even go home smelling like oil and grease sometimes. Can you imagine? Gross. It’s hard work they do for us, and that’s why we are changing the pay scales.”

Thompson said that it is not only a pay-raise for many employees, it’s a pay-cap that all of their management and higher-paid employees will have to deal with.

“The $15 an hour we’re merging to, than that is the top that anyone will make. From the janitors on up through the store managers, everyone will make the same $15 dollars an hour, in every one of our restaurants, all through the US.”

One store manager from Colorado, Aaron Silver, was furious over the news.

“I was making $21 an hour as the store manager, after working my way up from a cashier making $8 an hour,” said Silver. “I worked my ass off to get where I am, because I don’t have a great education, and couldn’t afford college. I started working for McD’s when I was a senior in high school, and it took me 7 years to get to management, and I was pretty happy in having made a career out of fast food. Now they’re going to lower my pay to $15, which will be the same as everyone else? What’s the point in even trying to work your way up the ladder if you’re never going to get anything out of it?”

Kenneth LaChance, a restaurant employee from Bangor, Maine, had completely different views on the new pay.

“I’ve only been with McDonald’s for about 6 weeks, but I am only making $8.25 an hour, and that’s just not enough money to live on,” said LaChance, who is a freshman in high school and lives with his parents. “I have to pay for my own cell phone and like, if I want to go to the movies with friends or something. What they’re paying is so low. I’m glad that I’ll be getting $15 an hour now. I deserve to be paid at least that. If not $20 an hour!”

Thompson has said that McDonald’s is standing by their decision, and anyone who doesn’t like it can ‘hit the bricks.’

“Now that we’re paying everyone $15 an hour, if you’re a manager who doesn’t like it, then I’m sure you can find a new job with Burger King,” said Thompson. “We’ll just bump up one of the kids in your store to take your spot. Easy-peasy.”

Thompson, who has been with McDonald’s for 2 years, makes roughly $9 million dollars as CEO. Broken down into a part-time salary of 25 hours, which is what most employees for McDonald’s are scheduled, Thompson makes approximately $7,000 an hour.


Fast Food Restaurants Busted For Selling Drugs Through 24-Hour Drive-Thrus

Fast Food Restaurants Busted For Selling Drugs Through 24-Hour Drive-Thrus

PROVIDENCE, Rhode Island – 

Several fast food restaurants in Massachusetts and Rhode Island, including 2 Wendy’s locations, a McDonald’s, and a Taco Bell, were raided recently by DEA agents after a tip lead them to discover workers selling drugs through each restaurant’s 24-hour drive thru.

According to police reports, over a dozen arrests were made at local Providence fast food restaurants when DEA agents were given an anonymous tip that several fast food workers – some who actually had jobs at multiple locations – were providing marijuana, prescription pills, and even heroin along with a customer’s Big Mac and fries.

“About two months ago, it was brought to our attention that a minor female who worked the drive-thru counter at a local Wendy’s was selling marijuana, using the restaurant as a base,” said DEA agent Alex Jergens. “We watched several customers use the drive-thru as normal, ordering a regular meal, but asking for an ‘extra side’ of muenster cheese – something none of the restaurants have on their menus. This was the code word we were looking for, and we were able to take down the first person.”

From there, says Jergens, it was easy to spot the locations that were selling drugs.

“We would go through, ask for some food, and ask for extra Muenster. If they didn’t bat an eye or question it, 9 times out of 10 we’d get some drugs from them – unusually, they were even at ‘fast food’ pricing, super cheap. Sometimes though, they were just lazy employees who didn’t want to explain they didn’t have that cheese, and we’d get American on our burger like normal. That’s okay, we like food, too. Gotta eat, even while on the case.”

In total, 14 arrests were made, with 4 of the arrests already coming back in positive convictions for drug dealing.

“We really lucked out with this one. These restaurants, they’re the perfect cover for drug operations. I cant’ say I blame them for wanting to supplement their income. God knows that these kids, they’re making shit money working fast food, but still – the law is the law, and I gotta uphold it. I’m like the Judge Dredd of drugs, I like to say.”

All the restaurants involved say they are planning on performing “internal investigations” into the matter, and most say they are planning on hiring completely new staff from janitors through general managers.

Burger King Admits They Are Source Of All McDonald’s Rumors, Urban Legends



After years of speculation, Burger King have finally admitted to being behind every single rumor and urban legend denigrating rivals McDonald’s. The fast food franchise were under pressure to make the announcement, from a private detective McDonald’s hired to investigate the possibility. Percy Lupin discovered emails between employees on the creative side of the business, coming up with ridiculous but somehow believable defamation against their so-called #1 enemy.

“There’s loads of data, proving that Burger King thought up the legends,” said Lupin. “Even before the advent of email, they somehow used the service to communicate the rumor that earthworms are used in McDonald’s hamburgers.”

Further allegations, of using genetically mutated cows for example, are more recent. That hoax was spread via chain emails, along with photoshopped images of what were supposed to be big blobs of living cow.

Daniel Schwartz, CEO of Burger King, published the admission, along with a long-winded, grovelling apology.

“Yes, we did it,” he wrote. “We created all those horrible rumors and hoaxes. How else were we to rival the McD’s empire? I speak for myself and the whole franchise, in saying that we regret every moment of it… All of us are putting ourselves up for the greatest criticism, and some of us may commit suicide in the coming days, out of the immense shame we’ve caused ourselves. Please, McDonald’s, don’t sue us.”

McDonald’s have yet to release a public statement, but sources indicate that they are not going to let Burger King live this down.

“There’ll be an advertising campaign, that’s for sure,” Don Tripont, media expert, told reporters. “Also expected, are personal jabs at Burger King employees, from the highest level to the lowest. They’ll be accused of adultery, murder and rape, until their lives are ruined. The message will be clear: Don’t fuck with McDonald’s.”

Fast Food Giant McDonald’s To Begin Selling Weed In Colorado, Washington

Fast Food Giant McDonald's To Begin Selling Weed In Colorado, Washington

TACOMA, Washington – 

Fast food chain McDonald’s has become the first franchise in its industry to announce its intention to sell weed in outlets across the country. The corporation will apparently begin this new phase in Colorado and Washington, where recreational use of the substance is legal.

“We’ll be stocking over 20 different strains, which is I’m sure very exciting for the public. It will also come in different forms, i.e. joints as well as cooked into certain meals,” head of operations for McDonald’s in Washington told the press. “There’ll of course be conditions attached so as the service is not abused by our customers. For example, the classic marijuana brownies will only be available as part of what we are calling a ‘Super-happy Meal’. Also, blunts will only be sold to those who take advantage of our new-look loyalty cards, available now at a store near you.”

Conservatives around America have condemned McDonald’s, stating that they are using a “legalization which is already killing our country to be even more acceptable and accessible. Now, not only will their food be causing obesity and heart attacks, it will be leading consumers to make irresponsible and impulsive decisions.”

The nation’s stoners have come out in vast numbers in support of the venture.

“Dude, that’s so cool,” said some guy when we informed him of the development. “Now we can get our weed and munchies at the same place and time. That’s one less trip we’ll have to make, one less time we’ll have to leave the basement.”

A few, however, have not been so ‘chilled’.

“Oh God,” said Victor Hashwood. “Now there’s gonna be all sorts of dilettante thinking they’re all cool just because they got weed at McDonald’s. Those sorta dudes don’t even care about the cause. They don’t care about the lifestyle. They just want instant gratification.”

When asked his opinion on how marijuana sales could be regulated to curb this problem, Hashwood looked at us with glazed eyes and said, “Huh?” He then passed his joint to our reporter, who chose to end the interview in a deep discussion about the meaning of existence.

Wendy’s Announces Merger With Burger King, Plans To Surpass McDonald’s As #1 Fast Food Joint


CHARMING, North Dakota – 

In business news, Wendy’s has announced an impending merger with Burger King, in a bid to surpass McDonald’s as the biggest fast food franchise in the world. The move could spell an end to McDonald’s global hold over the industry, finally providing equal competition to the major corporation.

“We’re very excited about the future,” said Wendy’s CEO Emil Brolick. “I can’t imagine what could possibly go wrong with a conglomeration which will have the grilled, fried, toasted options all available in one quick drive-thru. Things are looking up.”

Executives at McDonald’s, however, maintain that the two rival chains are bluffing, trying to force their hands in “some perverted attempt at bringing us down. They’ve worked hard over the decades to take over, and this is just the latest attempt. I can tell you, they’ve asked us to relinquish our presence in certain states and countries in order to stop this disastrous merger. We’re gonna call their bluff.”

Industry insiders fear that open warfare may ensue.

“Unless they come to some sort of deal, who knows what could happen,” said analyst, Tracy Kaufman. “The title of King won’t scare McDonald’s, though. Ronald is a tough guy but also diplomatic. He’ll try sanctions and boycotts before things get too heated in their respective kitchens.”

Brolick hit back at what he called “the doubters,” releasing a proposed schedule for the stages of the merger, projecting finalisation already by the end of 2015. “This is really happening. It’s time for King Wendy – or Wendy’s King, we haven’t worked out all the finer points yet – to reign. His majesty’s rule will benefit not only America but the entire world. We’ll be free from the dictatorship of that insane clown for once and for all.”

McDonald’s CEO Confirms Meat Comes From Large Mutant Cow Blobs

McDonald's CEO Confirms Meat Comes From Large Mutant Cow Blobs

OAK BROOK, Illinois – 

McDonald’s CEO, Donald Thompson, may be retiring in March, but he is making sure that he’ll go out with a bang. The 51 year old has been working for the fast food chain for 25 years, and has seen it through many disparaging rumors and urban legends. However, in a first, he has admitted truth to one of the old stories – that McDonald’s beef comes from mutant cows.

“The cow – if you can call it that – is created in laboratories in Japan,” Thompson said at a farewell event. “It is hairless, limbless, deaf and blind. In other words, it does not contain any inedible material. It is simply a large, living meatball.”

The crowds who had come to see the celebrated businessman off gasped in horror at the images projected on a screen behind Thompson.

“It was a monster,” said one traumatised attendee. “At first it looked kinda delicious, but then I saw it was breathing. It started moving around and I just screamed. I don’t know if I can ever eat meat again.”

While the news may be off putting for some, the meat industry is frantic, with slaughterhouses scrambling in an attempt to get McDonald’s to share the process.

“This will change food forever,” said a Meat Inc employee on condition of anonymity. “The prices will go down, the quality will go up – as there’ll be only pure ‘beef’. And we’ll sell more than ever. Also, if we market it right, we may get PETA off our backs. Killing these monstrosities is surely better than killing cows, right?”

PETA spokesperson, Haydi Mansoon, disagreed with the source’s sentiments. “They’re bringing these creatures into the world which no one wants to see,” she said. “People will have even less sympathy for animals. Yes, there’ll be less cows killed. And yes, these beings probably are not conscious in the way humans and other animals are. But if we don’t protest this cause, soon we’ll have nothing left to live for.”

McDonald’s To Remove Fries From Menu, Plans To Replace Them With Apple Slices

OAK BROOK, Illinois – McDonald's To Remove Fries From Menu, Plans To Replace Them With Apple Slices

McDonald’s President and CEO, Don Thompson, announced earlier today that the fast food giant will be retiring their world-famous French fries from the menu, and replacing them with apple slices.

Thompson, in a statement released to the Associated Press, announced that in order to make meals healthier to millions of customers, that it is time to remove the tasty, yet greasy, fries – no how many customers may love them.

“We know that people love our fries, they are the best around by far. But our customers need to be healthier. It is time for us to stand up and make a change. Starting in the spring, nobody will be able to get fries from McDonald’s, so if you want them, you better come get them now,” Thompson said. “Thankfully, you are able to stock up and save them for later! McDonald’s fries get cold, but never lose any flavor.”

A medium order of fries from McDonald’s consists of approximately 350 calories, 19 grams of fat, and 45.4 grams of carbohydrates. To those who are conscious of their health, such as Mary Jarboe of Chicago, Illinois, the change is sad but one she says must be made.

“Americans are too fat. Every time I go to a McDonald’s to eat, I see obese customers with a huge pile of fries. That, added to a huge burger or two, it is just a heart attack waiting to happen,” Jarboe said. “Personally, I’m happy to see them go. I hear they’re being replaced with apple slices in all menu items – kind of like the option they give with the Happy Meals now. Whenever I go to McDonald’s, I always order a salad, anyway, so I say no big loss!”

Many customers are very unhappy with the decision, such as longtime loyal customer Gilbert Naismith of Huntsville, Alabama. “I think it’s absurd. Yeah I might be fat, and maybe I shouldn’t be eating the damn things, but God dammit, it is my choice as a tax payer and a free American to eat any greasy, shitty, heart attack causing food that I want! I have the right to freedom of eating whatever I want. It is in the constitution. By God, I want my damn Freedom Fries!” Naismith said.

Company representatives say the fries will be removed from the menu by the end of February.

Idaho Man Wins $23 Million Lottery, Tells Wife He Is Leaving Her On Live Television

ARCO, Idaho – Idaho Man Wins $23 Million Lottery, Tells Wife He Is Leaving Her On Live Television

Have you ever witnessed something while watching live television that makes you ask yourself, “Did that really happen?“.  Well, viewers of the KTVB Mid-Morning news experienced a truly bizarre, awkward case of the aforementioned scenario this morning.

Bill Gustafson, 44, and his wife, 43-year-old Naomi, of a humble small town named Arco, Idaho, were jumping for joy last night just after the WRKG News ended with the weekly drawing of the Super-Six Idaho Lottery. All six numbers matched the single row of digits on the crumpled up and mustard-stained one-dollar lottery ticket Bill had purchased at a quiet little convenience store called Grub, Gas & Go.

Mr. Gustafson reportedly called the lottery office just before the excited couple headed to Boise, and told them to have his check ready, that they would be there in three hours, probably less. As the couple arrived, waiting in  anticipation at the scene was KTVB News field reporter Michelle Clark, along with her cameraman.

Gustafson and his wife walked in and briefly met with Idaho Lottery spokesperson Stella Marie Johanson. Johanson then proceeded to ask  the couple if they would mind going on live television, where she would then present the ceremonial ‘big check‘. The couple agreed excitedly.

It was on live TV that things took a really awkward turn. Just after Gustafson was presented the over-sized check, Clark asked him what the couple planned to do with their big winnings. “Well, first of all I’m gonna divorce my fat ass, bitch wife! Hell, I don’t know why she’s still around anyway. She loves Ronald McDonald more than she loves me!”

Stunned by the announcement, Clark then laughed as if she was waiting for Mr. Gustafson to do the same, or offer a punchline. He never did. Neither did Mrs. Gustafson, who turned beet red. Mrs. Gustafson then smacked her husband across the face, which led to him beating his wife with the over-sized $23 million check. In the control room, KTVB quickly cut away from the scene, back to a visibly shocked pair of co-anchors on the set of the KTVB News who were barely able to hide their laughter.

As Clark told the story on the KTVB evening news, she closed with the famous saying, “When it comes to live television, always expect the unexpected when least expected, you never know what you’re gonna get.” The winning couple are reportedly getting divorced, and are fighting for custody of the over-sized TV check.

McDonald’s Restaurants Plans Lawsuit Against Man Who Named His Son ‘Big Mac’

CLEVELAND, Ohio – McDonald's Restaurants Plans Lawsuit Against Man Who Named His Son 'Big Mac'

Carl Powell, 35, is facing a major lawsuit from popular fast food chain McDonald’s after naming his first-born son Big Mac Powell. Powell feels that the lawsuit is ridiculous, and that they should be paying him for the additional publicity that his son’s name will give them.

“It’s crazy man, I’ve never faced anything like this before,” said Powell. “I hate that a big company like that thinks they can just push around someone small like me. I mean their motto is ‘Have It Your Way,’ isn’t it? No, wait, that’s not right is it? That’s Burger King. I eat a lot of fast food so sometimes I mix things up.”

McDonald’s has yet to comment on the lawsuit, but a letter sent to the Powell household by the company expressed that either Powell change his son’s name, or he’d be sued for millions.

Ironically, Powell’s net worth is  just over $4 million dollars, after he won a lawsuit against McDonald’s in the 1990s. The lawsuit against the company occurred because Powell choked on a Big Mac while dining inside of a McDonald’s restaurant, and the entire staff watched him choke, while doing nothing. He lost consciousness, and fell into a coma for weeks.

“When I finally awoke in the hospital bed, a lawyer was standing over my bed asking if I wanted to become a millionaire. It was the happiest moment of my life – well, up until having my baby boy Big Mac. That the reason I named him that, to honor the day I became a millionaire, and because even though one almost killed me, Big Macs are delicious.”

Powell has hired a lawyer to defend his right to name his child whatever he likes.

“This is America, damn it. Where a man can eat a Big Mac, name his son Big Mac, or have sex with a Big Mac, if he chooses. McDonald’s may have given me these millions, but they’re sure as hell going to fight to take them away.”


McDonald’s To Compete With Weight Watchers With New ‘Weight Loss Menu’

OAK BROOK, Illinois  – McDonald's To Compete With Weight Watchers With New 'Weight Loss Menu'

President and CEO of McDonald’s Don Thompson issued a statement today regarding the company’s decision to ‘stop making people fatter and start making them skinny.’

“Many of you are familiar with what Weight Watchers does by counting calories, and how it usually doesn’t do much good. Well, McDonald’s is excited to announce that beginning in 2015, we will be offering a menu of weight loss foods, which will be regular popular items such as the Big Mac and double cheeseburger, but will contain a scientifically proven secret ingredient which will cause you to shed pounds without having to exercise,” Thompson told members of the Associated Press.

Over the past several years, McDonald’s has been scrutinized and widely accused of providing its customers with extremely unhealthy foods and – due to their popularity and cost efficient menu items – making Americans fat. The company will reveal the new menu sometime in January. No details on available products were announced.

Thompson did tell  the media that he believes the new menu will be so popular that the company will probably need to open a considerable amount of new locations.

“Everyone will be eating at McDonald’s, other fast food chains will close, and more and more McDonald’s locations will take their place. There are so many fat people in America that the plan is fool-proof. People are too lazy to exercise, so they want a way to lose weight without putting in any work, and we have the means to provide that,” stated Thompson. “It has taken our McDonald’s scientists years to develop our new secret ingredient, but come January, the world will get to see it in action.”

McDonald’s restaurants are found in 118 countries and territories around the world and serve 68 million customers each day. McDonald’s operates over 35,000 restaurants worldwide, employing more than 1.7 million people. With the new special ingredient, it is very well possible that these numbers could double and go beyond.

The news is most certainly exciting for the millions of overweight McDonald’s fans across not only the United States, but the world.

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