‘Penis Monologues’ Finishes in Buffalo, Coming to Broadway in 2015

BUFFALO, New York – 'Penis Monologues' Finishes in Buffalo, Coming to Broadway in 2015

“The Penis is Coming to Broadway!” declared theater impresario Arthur Furioso, author and one of the actors who appears in the new play ‘The Penis Dialogues,’ now finishing up a successful run at Buffalo’s art-deco 3,076-seat Century Theater located at 511 Main Street. The theater, built in 1921 as a movie theater, has not seen such an outrageous and controversial performance since it was used in the 1970s as a rock music venue for the likes of Cheap Trick, Peter Gabriel and the Kinks.

“The time has come for the Penis!” continued Furioso. “’The Penis Monologues’ will turn Broadway upside down and have it begging for mercy!”

Mort Gage, an actor who will follow the play to New York City, said that coming to Broadway is a dream come true. “This is an important work and I am very proud to be a part of it.” Gage plays ‘Little Johnny’, a bawdy character whose journey begins as a child who accidentally discovers his parents making love and asks them to make puppies, referring to an earlier observation in the neighborhood of two local canines similarly engaged. During his eight minute stay on the stage he ages and eventually becomes a young man, asking his new bride a number of innocent questions culminating in a discussion of household electrical connections.

“Little Johnny is an important character in the play since he embodies the playful nature of the penis and elicits a fond reflection in the audience of their own time of innocence,” said Gage.

’The Penis Monologues’ is similar to the popular ‘Penis Puppets’ show that played worldwide some years ago. Who would have thought back then that a couple of guys from Australia would be an international sensation by flopping their junk around on stage?” said, Furioso, referring to the play ‘Puppetry of the Penis’, created by Simon Morley and puppeteer David “Friendly” Friend in Melbourne in 1998. That play toured the world and is still in existence almost 20 years later. “We are looking forward to making a big splash in New York City,” said Furioso.

Playwright Eve Ensler, creator of the 1994 play ‘The Vagina Monologues’, could not be reached for comment, but one actress who has performed in ‘Vagina,” and who asked not to be named, said she expects the ‘Penis” show to have a flaccid run and limp out of New York at the end of their session.

“The Penis Monologues” will open at NYC’s lavish 42nd Street Theater in April 2015.

U.S. Government Announces Plans To Sell Statue of Liberty

LIBERTY ISLAND, New York – U.S. Government Announces Plans To Sell Statue of Liberty

One of the most iconic figures in the history of the United States will be put up for auction this fall, say representatives from the White House. The Statue of Liberty is being put up for sale after congress has deemed it as “luxury” item that the state of New York, and the government itself, cannot continue to afford to maintain.

The decision was made after several other countries made actual offers on Lady Liberty. After determining that the offers were legitimate, and seeing the astonishing amounts that were being offered, President Obama met with his cabinet and they decided that it would be an easy way to put an ‘injection into the heart of the economy.’

Since October 28, 1886, the statue has stood proudly in place and gave new immigrants to America hope, welcoming them to their new life. The people of France gave the Statue to the people of the United States over one hundred years ago in recognition of the friendship established during the American Revolution.

It appears that friendship has a price after all, though. Representatives from the French government have yet to give a statement on their thoughts about the sale, but financial advisors and lawyers for the government in France are working on making sure they receive a portion of the profit that America makes when selling it.

Ticket sales for The Statue of Liberty tour are happening now, with everyone still being able to gain admittance until the date is announced for the sale. President Obama has urged everyone who has not seen the Statue in person to try to make it to Liberty Island ‘as soon as possible.’

“This is a piece of history, absolutely,” said President Obama. “We want all Americans to be able to see Lady Liberty, her majestic beauty, up close before it is too late. Ticket sales will help in the cost of dismantling the statue from her base for her eventual move to the country of her buyer.”



Michael Vick Sustains Season-Ending Injury After Being Attacked By Dog

NEW YORK, New York – pit bull attack causes season ending injury for michael vick

On March 21st, Michael Vick signed a $5 million, one year contract with the New York Jets. Yesterday the big pay-day was put in jeopardy after a dog running loose in his New Jersey neighborhood, ironically of a pit bull breed, attacked the quarterback and caused extensive muscle damage to his right leg, which doctors say will keep him from playing football in 2014.

A clause in his contract states that if he is unable to perform at all during the 2014 season due to injury outside of football, he stands to lose up to 85% of the $5 million.

“We certainly hope Mike recovers more quickly than expected and is able to play but according to team physicians it looks highly unlikely,” said team publicist Bryan Welch.

Vick served 18 months of a 23 month sentence for operating a dog fighting ring in 2009. The case was very high-profile and received massive media attention due to the fighting, torture, and executions of pit bulls at the hands of Vick. He missed two complete NFL seasons, and was released by the Atlanta Falcons in August of 2009, making him a free agent. Vick eventually signed with the Philadelphia Eagles where he played until last season. Vick signed the one year deal with the New York Jets in March.

Some are calling Vick’s unfortunate incident poetic justice, such as Jets fan Carmine Vinotossi of Brooklyn, New York.

“He got what he deserved. I am a Jets fan, born and raised since I was 1-year-old, and I was sick the day the Jets announced they hired this bum as a quarterback. $5 million for one year? Give me a break,” said Vinotossi. “What were they thinking, these guys? It looks like karma got it all sorted out now. God is, in fact, a Jets fan.”

It is reported that the dog that attacked Vick was, coincidentally, part of a liter of puppies that had come from an animal shelter that housed dogs from Vick’s dog-fighting ring. The owner, who says that his dog, L.T., which is named after New York Giants’ great Lawerence Taylor, is an extremely loving dog, and will play with the neighborhood children. He has never shown the slightest bit of aggression to anyone prior to the attack.

“L.T. is a super sweet dog,” said owner Aaron Silver. “He loves kids, he loves other dogs. We even have a cat that he sleeps next to every night. When he saw [Vick] walking down the street, it was the first time I’d ever seen any anger in him. I think he could sense Vick’s history, and he knew they had bad ties. I think it was L.T.’s way of getting one back for his family.”

Per state law, dogs that are responsible for an attack are automatically put down. According to police reports after the attack, the dog was actually returned to his owner per request of Vick.

“Mike feels like this was his chance to give a second chance to a pit bull, and that God himself caused the attack as a form of payback,” said a friend. “He got a second chance at life, why shouldn’t this dog?”


Derek Jeter Cancels Retirement, Signs 3-Year Contract With Boston Red Sox

BOSTON, Massachusetts – empire-news-derek-jeter-not-retiring-signs-3-year-deal-with-boston-red-sox

The franchise player Derek Jeter is sure to disappoint every New York Yankee fan in the world after deciding not to retire after this baseball season. One of their star players for years, Jeter has signed a multi-year deal with Yankees rival the Boston Red Sox.

According to sources, Boston has been eyeing the possibility of picking up Jeter since he announced he would retire after this year, his 20th season in the MLB. Reportedly, the deal will make him an additional $25 million a year for the 3 years of his contract.

Reports have confirmed that Jeter and his agents have agreed to the terms of the contract, and Jeter is signing on the dotted line Wednesday evening.

Rumors swirled across the league that the Red Sox sent Jeter an offer during the all-star break, but insiders say they didn’t believe that Jeter would be interested. After 20 years in baseball, the game has taken its toll on Jeter, and he reportedly was looking forward to giving up the game. Once Jeter’s lawyers got their hands on the contract, they persuaded him to take the deal.

“It was great to have Derek on the team and he has done a lot for this organization and will always be remembered for what he has down for this team,” said Yankees manager Joe Girardi. “I don’t know his exact future after this season, but he will not be playing in a Yankee uniform and never will again.”

Fans of both New York and Boston are vehemently against the signing. New York fans consider Jeter a traitor for signing with their biggest rival; Boston fans want nothing to do with the ‘face of the Yankees’ playing for their beloved team.

“The guy is a first-rate jerkoff,” said Burt O’Reilly, a Boston resident and a lifelong fan of the Red Sox. “He comes to our team, takes a wicked huge load of money, and he probably won’t do a damn thing for us. Screw Jeter. We don’t need him playing in Fenway.”

Players across the league have taken to social media to comment on the deal, with tweets being been made by several Yankees players, saying things like “Jeter made an A-Rod Move” and “Years of history will be ruined with one signature.”

 So far, Jeter has not commented publicly on his deal. A request for comments from Jeter’s management team was not immediately returned.



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