Several Southern States Consider Legalizing Murder Of African-Americans To Better Serve Police Forces

Several Southern States Consider Legalizing Murder Of African-Americans To Better Serve Police Forces

AUSTIN, Texas – 

Several states throughout the southern part of the country, including Texas, Kentucky, and Alabama, are considering passing laws that will legalize the violent murders of African-Americans by policemen and women, to help ‘better serve’ the officers, who many legislators are saying have a job that is tough enough without worrying about possible arrest and conviction themselves.

“There have been several high-profile arrests and trials of white police officers over the last several years after they have been accused of killing ‘innocent’ black men in the streets,” said congressman Vinnie Relso (R-Texas). “I brought forth these new laws, new concepts, because I want our men and women in blue to feel safe. Safe on the streets, safe in their jobs, and safe from prosecution from having to use their weapons in the line of duty.”

Relso says that he has garnered much support from other members of congress, as well as constituents in his home state of Texas.

“Oh hell yes, I don’t see a problem at all with killing a couple gang-banging spooks once in a while,” said Austin resident Gil Myers. “Back when I was a kid, we didn’t have gangs. We sure as shit didn’t have blacks. Now Austin is a violent city full of violent criminals. I don’t carry if a black kid’s got a gun or not when he’s walking down the street. If a police officer wants him to stop and answer some questions, there’s probably a reason. If the officer has to gun him down, shit, he probably had a reason, too. No harm, no foul.”

Many opponents of the proposed bill have stepped up to rally against Relso, who says he has received many death threats since the news first broke of his plans.

“To be honest, though, I don’t pay those threats any mind whatsoever,” said Relso. “As far as I’m concerned, all the emails are from well-to-do blackies and their well-to-do liberal friends, and they’ll never even attempt to say the same things to my face. Besides, everyone knows that no Democrat can fire a gun with an accuracy, anyway.”

Unarmed White Teen Killed By Black Police Officer – The Family’s Reaction Is Crazy!

NEW CANAAN, Connecticut – Unarmed White Teen Killed By Black Police Officer - The Family's Reaction Is Crazy

The news of policemen shooting unarmed teens continues this week in suburban Connecticut, as Phillip Macinaw Jr., 17,  was shot dead by police in the middle of a quiet street. Police say they incorrectly identified Macinaw as another teen they had been searching for who was thought to be involved in several home invasions.

Police reports show that the shooting happened after Macinaw was asked to hold up his hands, yet reached down into his waistband for what officers thought was a weapon. The object turned out to be a leather-bound date book filled with appointments, including fencing class and polo lessons.

The Macinaw family is distraught over the passing of their youngest son and are asking for their privacy, but were able to answer a few questions posed by media. When asked if they would be protesting the shooting, since their white son was killed by a black officer, Mrs. Macinaw dismissed it offhand.

“We all have jobs, and I head up the Charitable Women’s Society, so I don’t have a lot of time for the type of ‘protest’ you see on the news these days. Just because an incident involves people of different races doesn’t make it necessarily racist. I will be writing a letter to my Congressman about the level of training these officers receive, but I don’t believe I’ll be torching any police cars, no. My taxes helped buy them, after all,” said Charlene Macinaw, Phillip’s mother. “I helped allocate the monies for the town hall at the citizens meeting. I suppose when you aren’t paying for the infrastructure it must be easier to burn it down.”

Phillip Sr., despite the visible tears, was sympathetic to the officers involved.

“Phil wasn’t always the best listener. He had his flaws. I’m sure he ignored their warnings. I just feel terrible for these men who have to live the rest of their lives knowing that they took a life that didn’t need to be taken. These things aren’t always rational, but it is the civilized thing to do to keep a cool head. I may put in a stern letter to the Chief, but when you look at this like someone who has a little bit of sense, you see that nothing, no level of reaction, will bring your loved one back. You just have to learn how to cope instead of acting out and projecting.”

The identities of the officers involved in the shooting have not been released publicly. The police department has offered their deepest sympathies to the Macinaw family.

Ferguson Company Selling ‘Riot & Looting Kits’ In Wake Of Michael Brown Ruling

FERGUSON, Missouri – Ferguson Company Selling 'Riot & Looting Kits' In Wake Of Michael Brown Ruling

Never let it be said that capitalism doesn’t find a way. A newly formed company, Riot Right, started by a Ferguson businessman after the Michael Brown shooting, is now selling pre-prepared riot and looting kits for the people of Ferguson, Missouri.

“First, let me say that Riot Right is all about quality,” said Willie Willis, owner. “It’s tough all over the world, not just in Ferguson – riots and looting can break out anytime and anywhere, and people need to be prepared. Our basic riot kit has safety in mind, first and foremost. Each one comes with goggles to protect your eyes from pepper spray, gloves and chest protectors for defense against rubber bullets. We feel if you’re going to riot and loot, do it right.”

Willis said that although he doesn’t condone rioting, he does feel that if there is going to be all this flagrant opportunism with looting, he should join in on it – at least from a business perspective.

“People will use any excuse they can to riot and burn and loot the stores of our community. With that in mind, our deluxe kit comes with all the safety equipment as the basic kit, plus offense items, such as crowbars for breaking car windows and store fronts. Don’t be that fool using a rock – that’s ghetto. There are also bottles for making molotov cocktails, although sorry, gas not included. They also come with Kevlar vests, ’cause when the rubber bullets don’t work, you don’t want to be the dead fool out there getting hit with real bullets. Our kits guarantee that you will be able to cause the most trouble and grab the most loot, because if you can’t see or breathe, how you gonna carry a flat screen T.V. outta the store?”


“We were hoping that ‘cooler heads’ would prevail, and the justice system would do its job, but that doesn’t seem to be the case,” said Mike Murray of the Missouri State Police. “So that said, we’ll be working diligently to keep the people safe by arming ourselves to the teeth with every automatic weapon we can get our hands on.”

“The police will work to keep only half the people safe, but I’m thinking about the other half,” said Willis. “Remember to pick up your riot and looting kits at my mobile office – just look for the ’77 Riviera that’s usually parked on 15th street in front of Denny’s.”


Teenage Boy Dressed as Bigfoot Shot by Texas Hunter, Clings To Life In Hospital

RALEN, Texas – Teenage Boy Dressed as Bigfoot Shot by Texas Hunter, Clings To Life In Hospital

A tragic story today out of  Texas. Avid hunter Henry Hill accidentally shot his 14-year-old neighbor, Joey Gribble, who was testing out his Bigfoot costume he’d created for Halloween.

“Joey is a perfectionist,” said his mother Nancy, while holding vigil at her son’s bedside.  “He spent weeks and weeks on that costume. His favorite movie is Harry and the Hendersons, and he watches it at least three times a day. He wanted to go as John Lithgow for Halloween last year, but he couldn’t get the costume exactly right, so I suggested that he just go as Harry himself, the Bigfoot; Now I regret making that suggestion.”

The fascination with Bigfoot, the elusive ape-like creature, has spawned much debate.  Largely discounted by the scientific community, its existence is kept alive by folklore and sporadic, if not verifiable, eyewitness sightings. Also known as Sasquatch, the beast continues to provoke interest, most recently evidenced by a television special, Killing Bigfoot, set to debut on the TLC cable network.

“I don’t know anything about those guys who are out to ‘find’ Bigfoot,” said Hill. “My neighbors know that this was a terrible accident. We’re all devastated. I mean secretly, at first I was really excited when he went down, because I thought I had really shot Bigfoot, and I was going to be rich! I don’t know why Joey needed to test the costume out while running through the woods grunting, but that was just the kind of boy he was. Joey is like a son to me, and I’ll tell you what, I’m hurting as much as his family is.”

Family physician Dr. Scarlett Maizie said: “Joey was critically injured in a shooting accident while dressed in a Bigfoot Halloween costume, and what I can tell you now is that he is receiving the best care possible, and we are excited to see that his condition is slightly improving as the hours go by – but he’s not out of the woods yet. Well, literally he’s out of the woods, you know, but metaphorically we don’t know 100% if he’ll make it. His Bigfoot costume is certainly ruined, though. Unless, of course, he wants to go as ‘Zombie Bigfoot’ next Halloween.”

“Everyone knows everyone here,” said Joseph’s father Dale. “It really bugs me that some people think we’re just a bunch of gun-toting, conspiracy-believing crazies, when that’s not the case. Although in retrospect, I wish that Joey had just been into Spider-Man movies or something.”

Dale also added that a number of strangers have offered messages of support.  The town’s nearest city, McManorburgh, which for decades has held a fierce football rivalry with Ralen, dedicated its last football game to the family, and the team’s coach delivered a halftime message of support, urging fans to keep the family in their thoughts and prayers.

“Yup,” said neighbor Mike Judge.  “That’s what we do here, we stick together.  Like glue we do, we stick together like glue.”

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