Baker Creates Sweet Frosting Using His Own Diabetic Blood

Baker Creates Sweet Frosting Using His Own Diabetic Blood

RICHMOND, Virginia – 

A diabetic man has put his recent diagnosis to work by creating a thick, maple syrup-like condiment from his own blood. James Dyer, 46, says that he had recently been feeling very ill, and was often lightheaded, and decided he needed to see his doctor.

“I went to my doctor, and he gave me a diagnosis of diabetes. I wasn’t really shocked, it definitely runs in the family, and that’s pretty much the only thing that runs in my family,” said Dyer. “I was really depressed for a few days, ’cause I fucking love cake and that’s not supposed to be happening anymore, but then I decided that this could be the break I needed.”

Dyer, a pastry chef by trade, said that since his blood was so sweet, he figured he could make a syrup out of it for use in his baking.

“I had an A1C count of 24. That’s stupid high. I should have been dead,” said Dyer. “My blood sugar when I went to my doctor was 900. I don’t even know what that means, except for the fact that my blood is sweeter than the stevia plant everyone raves about now, and it’s just as all natural.”

Dyer uses the blood condiment in his flavorings for his pastries, including for filling and frosting.

“People really like it, and come to find out, it’s not illegal, so this is all good. The kids and families can’t get enough,” said Dyer. “I don’t have much time left on this earth, but I am not going to let my sugary blood dictate my life and my eating habits. I will eat what I want. To be damned with insulin. I’m going to profit off my sweet, diabetic blood!”


Congress Approves Sugar Tax Bill; Cost Of Sugary Drinks And Foods Expected To Triple By 2016

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Congress Approves Sugar Tax Bill; Cost Of Sugary Drinks And Foods Expected To Triple By 2015

A bill that would tax granulated sugar and all sugary foods is expected to be signed by President Barack Obama next week, after The House gave final congressional approval on Wednesday to a bill that would tax sugar on a per-gram basis.

“Sugar abuse is linked to several health problems such as obesity, diabetes, and other various diseases. This tax on sugar would go straight into funding all medical research – not just those common ailments – but all medical research,” House speaker John Boehner said.

The sugar tax bill is expected to triple the cost of foods high in unnatural amounts of fructose such as carbonated beverages, candies, frozen novelties, and over 700 other foods and drinks.

“The proposed bill is a good thing. We expect it to cut back on the unnecessary consumption of all junk foods, therefore, gradually making Americans who abuse these foods and drinks healthier,” said Tom Harkin, the democratic senator from Iowa, who also serves as the chairman of the U.S. Senate Committee on Health Education, Labor & Pensions. “For those who are willing to pay the extra price, they will be helping the cause by funding research for a vast array of medical endeavors.”

While many agree this could be a good thing, it seems most Americans seem to be opposed to the tax. In a poll taken by Empire News, 1,500 citizens throughout the United States were asked the question, “Do you agree or disagree with the proposed “Sugar Tax” bill?” An overwhelming 67% said they disagree with the bill, 23% said they approved, while the remaining 10 % declared they were undecided on or unfamiliar with the matter.

In an interview with North Carolina Congresswoman Virginia Foxx, she said the stats that were compiled proved that the American people are unable to make reasonable decisions on their own that would benefit their overall health.

“It is incredibly alarming how American people have complete disregard for their health,” said Foxx. “Look, I love cherry pie, candy bars, and fruity mixed drinks as much as the next person, but I also know that abusing these things is really bad for me. So many things we do are horrible for our bodies. Take drinking, for example. Americans need to try drinking their booze straight more often. I have found that straight bourbon on ice is actually very refreshing, cut out the sugary, fruity crutches when you can. Drink it straight,” she said.

Mary Jane Jenkins of Noblesville, Indiana disagrees with the bill, saying it’s ‘the worst decision’ that the government has made in ages.

“Look, I’m a f—-ing American voter and taxpayer. I should be able to use my food stamp card on anything I want, but with this stupid ‘sugar tax’ there is no way I will be able to buy my kids a box of Snickers bars. They say the price will almost triple. That’s absurd. It was bad enough when New York was in the news over their soda tax a few years ago, but this is crossing a major line. What’s next? Are they gonna tax their damn video games, too? This is our lives. Let us live and die at our own damn pace, fulfilling our own damn desires,” said an infuriated Jenkins.

President Obama, as a vocal supporter of the bill, is expected to sign it into law next Thursday morning.

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