New Poll Shows People Trust Flint, MI Tap Water More Than They Trust President Trump

trumpflint

DETROIT, Michigan – 

A new survey released today from the prestigious Harvard College of Detroit shows that residents across the state rated Flint tap water higher on the ‘Trustworthiness’ scale than current President Donald Trump. In the study, they found that Trump only was able to score a 14%, while Flint tap water scored a surprising 49%.

“Well, what do you expect?” said Michigan resident Duke Henry. “Thanks to the tap water in Flint, we’re really, really good at smelling shit. We know when something isn’t right. I can’t see through the tap water here, but I can see right through that Cheeto, and all of his lies.”

Resident Shirley Tanner agrees. “At some point you have to stop blaming the water for the fact your kids are dumb and lazy,” she said. “I would trust a fart after a Taco Bell run more than I’d ever trust President Trump.”

Other findings from the study were also critical of Trump’s trustworthiness. “Donald Trump’s lies affect brain development, in both children and adults, but especially those active on the internet,” said Dr. Miles Teller, who conducted the study. “Exposure to Trump’s falsehoods can also cause, among other things, full-blown retardation in those exposed for long periods of time. The neurological and behavioral effects of his lies are believed to be irreversible.”

Couple Arrested After Police Discover Over 20 Thousands Pounds of Marijuana in Home

weed

CONCORD, New Hampshire –

A New Hampshire couple has been arrested after an anonymous tip lead police to find nearly 20,000 pounds of marijuana in the home.

Carl and Debbie Rutherberg, both 40, said that they had “no intention” of selling the weed, or transporting it, they say the simply buy a lot, and don’t use it very often.

“It’s for our glaucoma, and for our aches and pains,” said Carl Rutherberg. “We don’t sell it, we never have. We’re good, honest people, and this is a huge mistake.”

Ironically, the couple live in New Hampshire, sandwiched between other states, such as Massachusetts and Maine, where marijuana has been legalized – albeit not in this amount.

“If we had a couple plants, and lived an hour south, this would have been totally legal,” said Debbie. “Instead, we get a few hundred tons and are stuck in New Hampshire, and we’re in jail? Live Free or Die my ass.”

The couple face felony drug charges that would send them away for life.

President Trump Pardons Himself For Years of Sexual Assaults and Abuse

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

President Trump pardoned himself this morning for what he says are years of “alleged” sexual assault accusations, as well as rumblings of abuse. Despite the President not being formally charged with any crimes, many women have accused him of sexual misconduct over the years, all of which he has denied.

“In the wake of my good friend, Mister Harvey Weinstein, being viciously attacked by the media over abuse charges, I felt it was time to act in advance of any legal or civil charges being lobbied my way,” said President Trump. “Although I adamantly deny that I have ever been sexually inappropriate with any woman, especially the ugly ones who always accuse me of doing so, I have fully pardoned myself of any and all crimes and charges.”

While it was pointed out to the president that he could neither pardon himself, nor could he pre-pardon someone for crimes they have not been charged with, Trump remained steadfast in his decision that he had been fully pardoned.

New State Laws Will Base Your Speeding Ticket on the Model of Your Car

speeding

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

As of January 1, 2018, if you are caught speeding, the amount of your fine will depend on the model of your vehicle, lawmakers say. The change will be used to help pay for more police, and more road repairs in nearly every state in the country.

“The more expensive the vehicle, the more expensive the fine will be,” said George Marks, R-Georgia, who sponsored the bill, which was passed by the House on September 21st. “If you can afford a $90,000 Tesla sports car, then your ticket is going to be a lot higher than the tool driving the beat up Mazda.”

For photographs taken by radar, an auto expert will determine the model of the car, motorcycle, or truck. The cheapest vehicles will be fined lightly, whereas high-end vehicles will face much heavier fines.

This measure acknowledges the inequality between those “who can afford” to pay the fines and those who “suffer” under the repressive system. Thus, the wallets of the most well-to-do will be hit just as hard as those of the most humble.

The measure promises to reduce delinquency on the road by the wealthy, thus eliminating the feeling of impunity shared among more and more drivers.

President Trump Takes Away Citizenship of ‘Anchor Babies’ – Children Born In the U.S. To Illegal Immigrants

Donald Trump to Give All His Money to Cancer Research

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Donald Trump doesn’t believe babies born in the United States to undocumented immigrant parents are American citizens.

“I don’t think they have American citizenship and if you speak to some very, very good lawyers — and I know some will disagree, but many of them agree with me — and you’re going to find they do not have American citizenship,” Trump said Tuesday in an interview with Fox News’ Bill O’Reilly. “We have to start a process where we take back our country. Our country is going to hell.”

Trump claims that those born on U.S. soil to illegal immigrants don’t have full citizens’ rights. “What happens is they’re in Mexico, they’re going to have a baby, they move over here for a couple of days, they have the baby,” he told O’Reilly. Trump asserted, “Many lawyers are saying that’s not the way it is in terms of this,” and went on to say, “They are saying it is not going to hold up in court. It will have to be tested but they say it will not hold up in court.”

The GOP presidential hopeful does not, however, support amending the Constitution to repeal birthright citizenship, saying it would be a “long process.”

“I think it would take too long,” he told Fox News. “I’d much rather find out whether or not anchor babies are citizens because a lot of people don’t think they are. We’re going to test it out.”

Trump will begin the process to locate and deport illegal “Anchor Babies” as early as next week. Any immigrant who has illegally overstayed a visa or entered the country illegally, along with any children of illegal immigrants, no matter what age or how long they have resided in the United States, will be deported beginning as early as mid-February.

Trump Tweets His Support for Federal Legalization of Marijuana

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Trump recently admitted to “hitting the bong” in a brave tweet, in which he called for legalization of marijuana at the federal level. The President said that he was wrong, and it seems things may be changing. Trump tweeted earlier today:

“Now that I have actually tried hitting the bong, I realize I was wrong. Marijuana should DEFINITELY be legal at the federal level. So dank.”

There was no further word on whether President Trump planned to make changes to the laws banning marijuana, but pot smokers everywhere are rejoicing.

“Oh man, that’s dope as hell,” said stoner Derek Paul after reading the tweet from the President. “I hated this dude, but if he’s gonna be hit the bowl, too, and gonna make the shit legal, then I respect the hell out of him. That’s awesome.”

Trump did not mention the tweet in a press conference that was held only hours later, although several times he was asked to elaborate on “hitting the bong” by journalists.

 

 

 

NFL Players Put In Protective Custody After Man Threatens To ‘Kill All Those Kneeling Sons of Bi*ches’

ATLANTA, Georgia – 

More than 40 NFL players from 8 different teams have been put into protective custody after the commission received an anonymous threat stating a planned attack against people who took a knee during the National Anthem. The threat, which was received via mail, has been confirmed as genuine by the FBI.

“We have received information that demanded our immediate attention and action, and we have worked quickly to protect key targets in the NFL,” said FBI spokesman Carl Lore. “We have determined that the threat is real, and that we needed to place 43 of the players into protective custody, along with their immediate families.”

For their safety, the players and teams were not mentioned specifically, but it won’t be long before fans start to find out who is missing.

“Unfortunately, many of these players have upcoming games, and they will not be able to play,” said Lore. “We have worked very closely with the NFL on this, and they have been very cooperative in providing their full assistance.”

There was no official comment from the NFL at the time of this writing.

 

Donald Trump Undergoes Cosmetic Surgery To Remove ‘Pussy Neck’

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

President Trump has apparently undergone cosmetic surgery to remove what is affectionately known as his “pussy neck,” because the flappy, old man folds under his chin form into an uncanny resemblance of a woman’s vagina.

“The President is actually extremely self-conscious, as you can well imagine, and he has seen the jokes, the memes, and he doesn’t like them,” said a White House representative. “President Trump has scheduled a surgery to remove the extra skin around his neck, and get an overall face lift.”

President Trump said that he is “very excited” to have the procedure completed, and that it wouldn’t cost the taxpayers “very much at all.”

“I, for one, think that he should keep his floppy twat neck skin,” said Vice President Mike Pence. “Every time I look at him right now, I’m always ‘Thinkin’ Arby’s.’ I don’t really want that to change, but I guess what’s good for him is good for us all.”

Donald Trump Makes MASSIVE Donation of Play-Doh To Texas Flood Victims; ‘They Need Things To Do and To Have Fun’

Trump

DALLAS-FORT WORTH, Texas – 

President Trump visited some of the cities that have been almost completely washed away by Hurricane Harvey, bringing not only a positive message, but a MASSIVE donation of Play-Doh.

“These kids, and these people, everyone, all of them were affected by their homes being washed out from under them, WOOSH!” said President Trump. “They don’t have anything anymore. They don’t have a house or a toilet. These kids, they have no toys. They need toys, and they need to still be children, and not let themselves get too down because their house is gone now. So I have brought with me nearly 400 pallets of Play-Doh, and I want everyone to take a case for free.”

President Trump seemed to be extremely excited by the opportunity to give the Play-Doh, but most residents were not amused.

“It would be great if we had a place to go, maybe some goddamn food,” said one resident. “I mean, I guess I will just eat this fucking Play-Doh, though. Maybe I’ll build myself a new house out of it while I’m at it. Shit, this is the best day of my life.”

Maine Becomes the First State to Legalize Ecstasy

ecstasy

AUGUSTA, Maine – 

Maine has been in the news all year for legalizing marijuana for recreational use, and apparently legalizing weed was only the beginning. Following on the heels of the wave of marijuana legalization, some might be surprised to hear that Maine state legislature has decided to legalize the popular street drug Ecstasy. Recreational use of will become fully legal in the state by the end of this year.

The decision was met with controversy but “no more or less than the original decision to legalize marijuana,” Governor Paul LePage stated.

The state is still working out some guidelines and ground rules for suppliers, such as purity levels, permits, and health code requirements. While LePage says the vote was popular among a lot of people in the state, his decision came as a shock for many Mainers. Governor LePage did not comment on whether or not he partakes in the drug himself.

“By legalizing, monitoring, and taxing ecstasy, we will not only cut down on inmates and care costs, it will also open up a whole new job market,” LePage explains. “It’s a good situation all around, especially for taxpayers.”

Some of the most outspoken opponents, however, have been current drug dealers.

“Making it legal is a terrible idea,” a dealer, who chose to remain anonymous, told Empire News. “We don’t want regulated. We’re killing it stacking paper right now, but regular guys like me won’t be able to keep up with all the government regulations. This is gonna put me out of a job!”

Despite the negative press, experts estimate this legalization will drop the state’s debt by as much as 50% in the first year. This may translate into tax cuts, more public projects, better road maintenance, and possibly even government rehabilitation programs for more dangerous drugs like cigarettes.

“If they want people to not buy drugs legally, then for crying out loud they should shut down every Starbucks in the United States,”said LePage. “Marijuana, ecstasy, crack…hell, what’s the difference? The revenue the state will bring in, it’s astronomical. Health is one thing, but we’re talking about money here.”

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