President Trump Plans To ‘Bring Back’ Slavery, Owning of People as Property

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

In a move that probably surprises no one, President Trump has signed an executive order that will allow white people to buy, sell, and trade minorities, as well as use them as non-paid workers.

“This is a game changer for our country, and for the economy,” said Trump. “If we can get all the Mexicans and the blacks and the chinks or whatever they call them now, and round them up, and have them work for free for white business owners, then those whites can afford to pay their white employees more, which will drastically improve the economy. It’s a win-win.”

Trump says that there are provisions that will help make sure that the minorities are still “taken care of,” their compensation will just not be monetary.

“They will have free room and board, and are to be provided at least one hot and one cold meal per day,” said Trump. “That is far better than the slave-trade of our fathers and grandfathers, when there were no regulations. They will also be prohibited from working more than 20 hours in a single day.”

The order is naturally being challenged by the ACLU and other civil-rights groups, but most Republicans say they are “all for it,” and are “excited” about the change.

President Trump To Move White House to Las Vegas

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Donald Trump has made plans to officially move the White House from Washington, D.C. to Las Vegas, where he owns property and says that the taxes are “much more manageable.”

“Moving the White House to Las Vegas will save tax payers an estimated $20 million a year, as the land values are much lower in the desert,” said Trump. “I am working with the best planners, the best men out there, to move the White House safely and securely.”

There is no word on whether Las Vegas will become our nation’s capital after the White House is relocated, but Trump did say that he wouldn’t personally have any problem with that.

“There’s a lot of money in Las Vegas, and a lot of beautiful women. We’d be lucky to have Las Vegas be our nation’s capital. It’s a beautiful, fun, fast-paced city, and everyone who goes there loves it. I love it. I own plenty of property there. It’s great. Plus, what happens there stays there, so we could get away with a lot more there than we could here in D.C.”

Hackers Plan To Release Donald Trump Sex Tape – But It’s Not Melania In The Video With Him!

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

After a slew of celebrity devices were hacked, a group of anonymous individuals have begun leaking nude images and sex tapes recorded by the celebrity victims. The latest seems to be President Donald Trump himself, as the group of hackers claims they have a sex tape that was taken “very recently,” but does not feature Trump’s wife Melania.

“We have procured a very salacious, very non-sexy video,” posted an anonymous hacker on the forum Reddit. “I’ve seen the video myself. I wish I hadn’t, but I have. And the person in the video is definitely Trump, and the other person is decidedly NOT Melania.”

According to the post, which included screenshots that we are not able to re-post here, the group would be releasing the full video if Trump did not step down from the Presidency. Although most would assume that he would never do that just to save face, the poster seems to think that the video is definitely something that will “get Trump thinking.”

“President Trump will know exactly what video we have if we mention the words ‘donkey’ and ‘whips,'” said the post. “We do not think that Trump, nor the man in the video with him, would want this information going public. Whoops, guess I slipped up there…”

 

Sean Spicer Contracts Bird Flu From Bad Kentucky Fried Chicken

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WASHINGTON, D.C. –

White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer was hospitalized after he contracted what he said was “bird flu” from eating a bucket of KFC chicken that had spoiled.

According to his doctor, Spicer merely had a case of the trots after ingesting day-old chicken, but the Press Secretary is “positive” that it is Bird Flu.

“I ate bad chicken, which is a bird. Everyone knows that chickens are birds,” said Spicer from his hospital bed. “When you eat bad birds, you get bird flu. I don’t know why that is so hard for these doctors to understand.”

Spicer says that he has contracted bird flu several times in his life, and that his mom was always the best at making him feel better when he was a boy.

“Mom would make me a hot broth and I’d eat that with crackers, and then I’d lay down and I felt better,” said Spicer. “It has happened several times, but not in many years. Mom also helped me after I contracted mad cow disease after I ate spoiled hamburger one time. My mom is a phenomenal woman.”

President Trump Plans 2-Month Vacation To Bahamas After ‘Stressful’ First Quarter

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

President Trump announced this morning that he would be taking a 2-month vacation beginning April 1st, returning to Washington in June, after a “stressful” first quarter of 2017.

“There are a lot of things that have come across my desk, and it’s been overwhelming,” said Trump. “I think that it will be a good time to take a break, and let things really setting in my head so I can continue Making America Great Again.”

Trump owns a home in the Bahamas, but will be renting a massive villa instead of using the home he owns.

“I want to see new parts of the area, and so I will be renting some property for the two months I’m gone. This will only put a minor burden on tax payers, as it will fall under Presidential Service.”

President Trump will be bringing his wife and son Barron, as well as 13 members of the Secret Service.

President Trump Signs Executive Order H11, Repeals 19th Amendment So Women Can’t Vote

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

After what President Trump says was an election that was “too close” for his comfort, he has said that his latest executive order, H11, will repeal the 19th amendment, making it so women can no longer vote.

“The reason that we almost had Hillary Clinton as our President is because of women,” said Trump. “Look, I respect women. I do. No one respects women more than me, but the truth is, women are dumb, and they make dumb decisions. They don’t know who to vote for, obviously, and so it’s time we took away that right.”

Trump went on to say that he hopes to eventually also remove the vote from African-Americans and ‘dirty Chinamen.’

“The fact of the matter is, this country had its greatest leaders when the only people who could vote were old, white, landowners. Real men who had real decision making skills,” said Trump. “Today, people would rather scroll through their Facebook feed and post pictures of their dinner on Instagram than actually make a conscious effort to learn anything. Especially minorities. They’re the worst.”

The ACLU has, naturally, filed a motion to dismiss the order as “fucking stupid.”

Obama Plans To Run For President Again in 2020 After Lawyers Dig Up Legal Loophole

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Former president Barack Obama has announced that he will be seeking to the White House once more in 2020, after a massive team of lawyers hired by Obama have dug up a legal loophole that will allow him to serve more than 2 terms.

“It was a lot of work, and I’ve had this team of over 40 lawyers working on this for 3 years,” said Obama. “I knew that they would eventually be able to find a way to get me back in, and we have found one. I am now eligible to run for a third term, possibly more if I am re-elected, and I can save this country from what is a whirlwind downfall with Trump in office.”

Obama did not elaborate on how he was able to run for a third term, except to say that it was a “complicated matter” that has been confirmed by “the best lawyers in the world.”

President Trump has not commented publicly on Obama’s plans, but the commander-in-chief did say that he will beat “anyone” who runs against him in 2020, no matter who it is.

VP Mike Pence Reportedly Addicted To ‘Penis Enlargement’ Pills

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

According to an unnamed ex-girlfriend, Vice President Mike Pence has been addicted to “penis enlargement” pills for the better part of 30 years.

“He started taking them when we were together,” said the unnamed woman, who claims to have dated Pence for ‘about 4 years’ in the early 80s. “He was so upset by the underwhelming size of his member. He knew that I’d dated some black guys when I was in college, and he was obsessed with measuring up. Unfortunately, they never seemed to do any good.”

The woman would not elaborate on the exact size of Pence’s penis, but did say that it was ‘among the tiniest’ she had ever seen.

“He used to eat the damn pills like candy. It was kind of disturbing, to be honest,” said the ex. “I never complained about his size to him, or about our sex life, but he still couldn’t stop taking them. What the man really should have been taking is Viagra. He never could keep it up around me. I often wondered if he was secretly gay. But he hasn’t tried to electroshock himself that I know of, so that last part is probably just speculation.”

Study Finds Trump Voters Have Drastically Lower IQ Than Liberals

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

After Donald Trump was elected President, a group of researchers at the Pentagon set into motion a study unlike any other – they wanted to find out the average IQ of a group that would elect such an unqualified person into office.

Working with over 10,000 confirmed Trump voters and 10,000 confirmed non-Trump voters, researchers gave standardized intelligence quotient tests to each group. There was no time limit to complete the test, and it was given twice over a week-long period.

“The results of the testing, while not at all surprising, prove that Trump voters are drastically behind liberals and non-Trump voters on an intellectual basis,” said Dr. Carl Brewner, who headed the study. “The test was 200 questions, and each completed test gave us an average IQ score based on answers. On average, a Trump voter would score in the 30th percentile, or have an average intelligence level of about 71, far below the 90 to 110 that is considered ‘normal.’ A non-Trump voter would score an average of approximately 96.”

The research team claims that their test is ‘fairly conclusive,’ and they feel that even if they tested every single one of the millions of Trump voters, they’d come up with similar results.

“It was quite obvious to everyone that anyone who would vote for Donald Trump must be pretty stupid,” said Brewner. “Just look at the stupid things they say and do in your timeline on Facebook every single day. Now, though, we don’t even have to rely on just physical evidence of their stupidity via comments and posts and memes – we have the actual scientific data to back up how dumb they really are.”

 

Trump Signs Order To Include Extra $1k In Tax Refunds For ‘Deserving Americans’

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WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Donald Trump signed his latest order on Wednesday morning, which will allow for an extra $1000 to be sent out with the tax refunds of ‘deserving Americans.’ According to Trump, the money will not be coming from within the tax system, and will instead come out of his own pocket.

Trump says that he plans to spend approximately $15 million to hand out extra cash to police, fireman, doctors and nurses, and veterans, among others.

“There are a lot of people who do a lot of good for others, and these people are the most deserving Americans I know,” said Trump. “And because they do so much good, I think they deserve a little good in return. This year, I will send out over 15000 checks for an extra $1000 each to those people who are deserving of a little extra help, and a little more appreciation.”

Trump says that the 15000 people will be chosen at random, from a database curated by the National Census Bureau, which has information on the employment of over 6 million Americans.

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