Ex-Subway Spokesman Jared Fogle Says He Has Been Raped ‘Over 600 Times’ So Far in Prison

fogle

ATLANTA, Georgia – 

Jared Fogle, the disgraced former pitchman for Subway, who is serving a 15-year sentence for molesting teenagers, says that he has been raped ‘over 600 times’ while in federal prison.

“Oh man, it’s really just the worst time,” said Fogle in an interview with WGHR, Atlanta. “At first the other guys just kind of roughed me up a bit, but over time, the assaults became sexual. Since my first day in prison, I’ve been raped well over 600 times.”

Prison officials who were asked about the possibility of that many assaults, seemed unconcerned.

“Yeah, it’s definitely possible, for sure,” said Prison Warden Mario Miller. “I mean, when a pedo comes into prison, he has to watch his ass – literally, I might add. These guys, they’re murderers and violent criminals, for sure. But the one thing none of them takes kindly to is a kiddie-diddler. So yeah, it’s likely he’s been beaten and raped many, many times.”

Fogle was given 15.6 years in prison, and federal penitentiaries normally release with about 85% of time served, which means Fogle will likely be in prison until 2029.

“By the time he gets out, it’s very likely that Jared Fogle will have gotten raped well over 10,000 times,” said Miller. “Frankly, there’s just not much we can do about it. Our guards are not going to endanger their lives for a guy like Fogle. At this point, he should be used to all those foot-longs, don’t you think. Oh, yeah, I guess we have some six-inchers in here, too.”

 

Sean Spicer Celebrates Quitting Job By Throwing Massive Party – Over 30 People Arrested, $3 Million In Damages

spicer

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Sean Spicer celebrated being out from under Donald Trump’s stupid thumb by throwing a massive rager of a party at a rented home in Washington, D.C., where he invited nearly the entire city.

“Oh man, that job was way harder than I ever thought it might be,” said Spicer. “I mean, normally, the President doesn’t speak out of his ass, and just say the most goddamn stupid shit every second of every day. You know how hard it is to continue covering for that all the time – answering legit questions from the press about the President’s idiocy? I mean come on. Fucking Covfefe? Ugh.”

Spicer said he was so relieved to be able to quit and move on in his career that he wanted to throw a massive party. Everyone who worked, lived, or partied in Washington was there, and in the end, police had to break up the place.

“The party was at a D.C. mansion in the hills, rented, of course. The homeowner says there is more than $3 million in damages,” said D.C. police chief Mario Miller. “We made 36 arrests, mostly drunk and disorderly, drugs, and prostitution.”

Miller said that Spicer will not be charged in the raucous nature of the party.

“That guy has been through enough in the last 6 months working for Trump, I’m not going to add any shit on his plate right now. Let him relax,” said Miller.

 

OJ Simpson’s Parole Was Just PULLED After Prison Guards Find This DISTURBING Item In His Cell

juice

LOVELOCK, Nevada – 

O.J. Simpson was granted parole this morning in a unanimous vote at Lovelock Prison in Nevada, but in an emergency session, Simpson’s parole was just pulled after police reportedly found a hit list in his cell.

The notebook, which was hidden under a loose piece of tile in Simpson’s cell, was reportedly titled “People I’d kill if I ever get out of Prison,” and listed people like Judge Glass, who sentenced Simpson to 33 years in prison for his role in the armed robbery that got him arrested.

Other names on the list included Joe Biden, Robin Williams, and Carl Sagan.

“Some of the names were slightly outdated, and had been scratched out, like Robin Williams,” said prison warden Gus Varney. “Still, we cannot take any chances that this list, which was very well detailed with how the crimes would be committed, is just fiction or fantasy.”

Simpson says that the “hit list” was nothing more than stories, much like his book that was published detailing the murder of Nicole Simpson, titled If I Did It. 

“I wrote that book, and it was just a joke. Like, you know, if I killed Nicole, you know, how it might have happened, but it was still just a story,” said Simpson. “This is the same thing. Man, when you’ve been in prison for nearly a decade, you have to do something to keep your mind occupied. Me, I write murder stories. Why would I ever want to kill Robin Williams for real? The man is a treasure.”

Simpson was depressed to find out that Robin Williams had already died after committing suicide a few years ago. Simpson’s next parole hearing will be in 2022.

President Trump Was Caught Making DISTURBING Comments About Senator John McCain’s Illness

mccain

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

President Trump was caught in an off-mic moment after a speech yesterday being asked about Senator McCain, and how he was doing.

“I don’t know, I haven’t heard how he was doing,” said Trump. “All I know is that his brain tumor has been taken care of. You know, if I had a tumor, it would have been much larger. It would have been way harder to get rid of. I would have the best tumor you’ve ever seen. You know, some people get tumors and they get sick, but not me. I’d have a tumor that just made me stronger. It would be the biggest, and it would be the best.”

Sessions scheduled for this week in the Senate were postponed while Senator McCain recovered from his surgery. His doctors say that he is doing “extremely well.”

Senator McCain reportedly did not have any response to President Trump’s comments, but his wife was quoted as saying she “isn’t at all surprised” that the President would make such “stupid goddamn comments.”

 

 

Hillary Clinton Undergoes Sex Change Operation So She Has a ‘Better Chance’ At Winning 2020 Election

hillary

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Hillary Clinton has reportedly began taking hormone injections in preparation for a sex change operation she will have this fall. The change is being performed because Hillary believes that her chances are “exponentially better” of winning the 2020 election if she is a man.

“The reason I lost the election to Donald Trump is because I am not a man,” said Hillary to a rally of nearly 11 people in South Dakota. “If I had a penis, I would have stood a chance. Being a woman has done nothing for me in my career, and it’s time there is a big change made. A big, thick, veiny change.”

Hillary’s doctor, Dr. Marvin Richards, said that he has tried to talk Clinton out of the operation, but with no results.

“She really wants to go through with this. She’s a grown woman with a lot of money, so I won’t stop her,” said Dr. Richards. “She honestly believes that if she becomes a man – even though she’ll still be her when it comes to policies and government and opinions – will help her to become president. If she thinks so, more power to her. Frankly, I think she should just cut her losses now and retire to the beach, but hey – what do I know? I’m just a voter.”

Hillary has already begun the conversion via hormones and other drugs, and the surgery will take place in the fall. She plans to “fully expose” her/his new look come January.

 

BREAKING: President Trump Secretly Bought Hundreds of Satire and Fake News Websites, Paid Owners MILLIONS To Help Him Get Elected

fake news

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

In some shocking news released this morning, it has been revealed that President Trump secretly bought out over 300 different fake news websites, including The News Examiner, National Report, and The Onion in hopes of controlling writers and owners, and paying them to write stories that could “get him elected.”

“Major ‘real’ news sources are good and all, but sometimes you need a little help from the other sector,” said Paul Horner, a hoax purveyor and massive internet satirist who owns dozens of fake news websites. “I write fake news, and I write it because there are things in life that piss me off. I use my stories to make people look stupid, because most people are stupid. But when someone came to me with a big fat check, and said ‘help us get this Cheeto into office,’ I couldn’t possibly say no.”

Horner says that he was paid several hundred thousand in exchange for his fake news websites publishing content that was either “pro-Trump,” or “anti-Trump haters.” Other sites reportedly also received large, fat checks.

“In retrospect, I kind of hate myself for helping him get elected,” said Bob The Empire News Potato, Editor-in-Chief of Empire News. “I mean yeah, the money is great. I bought a huge mansion and a couple cars. I’ve got 2 kids in college, so it was nice to just pay all that off. Then my wife and I took a tour around Europe a couple times. We went to Mexico on a 2 month cruise. All of that has been amazing. But I’d give it all back if I had known just how lousy he was really going to be for this country.”

When reached for comment, President Trump said that “any stories of using fake news to get elected are fake news.”

 

Trump Reportedly Changed Every Toilet In The White House Because He Didn’t Want To Use The Same Ones As Obama

gold

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

An anonymous staffer from within the White House has confirmed that President Trump has had every toilet in the building replaced since moving in, in an effort to not have to “shit in the same pot” as former president Obama.

“He not only replaced them all, he replaced all the porcelain with gold toilets,” said the staffer. “It’s kind of ridiculous. But it wasn’t about showing off his affluence, it was all because he didn’t want to sit anywhere that Obama sat. He thinks he might ‘catch something,’ because Obama is black, and by his logic, probably has AIDs or other diseases.”

President Trump had no comment on the toilet change-over, except to say that he thought that they looked “much nicer” the new way.

 

White House Doctor Says That ‘Stress of the Job’ Is Killing President Trump

Trump-sick

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

President Trump wasn’t exactly a young man when he took the office of the President in January, but now, White House doctors are saying that the extreme stress of the job is putting an extreme strain on Trump, and he might not have much time left at this rate.

“His heart is working overtime, and his stress levels are through the roof,” said Dr. Mario George, Trump’s personal physician. “His blood pressure is over twice the levels it was before he took office. At this rate, and with his age and lavish lifestyle, he is a perfect candidate for a stroke within the next year.”

For his credit, President Trump called reports of his failing health “fake news,” and said he’s feeling better than ever.

“Yes, I said that this job was a lot harder than my old one, and that I miss my old life,” said Trump. “Yes, I look more tired and I’ve already put on some weight. Yes, my body is falling apart and I can no longer keep an erection without pills, but that doesn’t mean I am ready to go. I will be your president for at least another 7 years, I promise you that!”

Barack Obama Goes Into Hiding After FBI Issues Arrest Warrant Over MASSIVE White House Scandal

obama

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

President Trump has, along with the FBI, issued an arrest warrant for former President Barack Obama, after it was confirmed that he is involved in a high-profile scandal.

According to reports, Obama may have been illegally downloading movies while living in the White House.

“This kind of behavior is entirely disgusting, and even the President is not above the law when it comes to copyright infringement,” said President Trump in a statement. “We have confirmed that Obama may have used the White House wi-fi to download and stream movies and TV shows, illegally. We cannot let this rest. Piracy is NOT a victimless crime.”

The FBI says they attempted to serve the warrant, with plans to arrest Obama, but according to their reports, the former President has gone into hiding.

“We believe the he caught wind of our investigation, and has since run from his home, and is in hiding,” said FBI spokesman Dan Carthwright. “The government was able to locate Bin Laden in a cave, so we are confident that we will find Barack Obama. We know his movie and TV show tastes. Once a pirate, always a pirate. We are monitoring the entire internet in hopes of catching him red handed, wherever he may be.”

The report from the FBI states that Obama downloaded Orange is the New Black, Transformers, and Southside With You, which is a story about his life.

Mike Pence’s Secret GAY Romance REVEALED By Scorned Lover!

Indiana Gov. Mike Pence listens to a question during a news conference, Tuesday, March 31, 2015, in Indianapolis. Pence said that he wants legislation on his desk by the end of the week to clarify that a new religious-freedom law does not allow discrimination. The law has triggered an outcry, with businesses and organizations voicing concern and some states barring government-funded travel to the Midwestern state. (AP Photo/Darron Cummings)

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Vice President Mike Pence, a staunch Christian, Conservative, and Republican (in that order), is one of the few people left in this world to a throwback era before homosexuality was, for the most part, legal and accepted. He has previously stepped out against gay marriage, and firmly believes that electro-shock therapy can actually “cure” gay people from their “affliction.”

But all of that seems to have been a front or some sort of clever ruse, because a man has come forward claiming that he is Mike Pence’s scorned lover, and he’s ready to bare it all for the media.

“Mike and I had a relationship for over 15 years, long before he was in the public eye,” said the man, who is speaking anonymously until such time he feels it is right to reveal his identity. “I have letters, photographs, text messages, and…even some risque images that can all be used as proof of our relationship. But this wasn’t all about sex, this was love. I absolutely love him, more than any man I’ve ever met, even know, after he threw me away for politics and a public life.”

The anonymous lover says the romance ended in 2014, a year or so after Pence became governor of Indiana.

“We tried to keep things going, but between his political life, his fake marriage to his wife, and everything else, it was very hard,” said the man. “Of course, I wanted to keep seeing him, but he broke it off, and changed his number. I had no way of reaching him. It still breaks my heart. And it breaks it more every time he says something harsh against the gay community. I know what he’s really thinking, and I see it every time he speaks negatively about us…he’s just doing it to keep a persona, but deep down, he would love to have a dick in or around his mouth again.”

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