Obama Plans To Run For President Again in 2020 After Lawyers Dig Up Legal Loophole

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Former president Barack Obama has announced that he will be seeking to the White House once more in 2020, after a massive team of lawyers hired by Obama have dug up a legal loophole that will allow him to serve more than 2 terms.

“It was a lot of work, and I’ve had this team of over 40 lawyers working on this for 3 years,” said Obama. “I knew that they would eventually be able to find a way to get me back in, and we have found one. I am now eligible to run for a third term, possibly more if I am re-elected, and I can save this country from what is a whirlwind downfall with Trump in office.”

Obama did not elaborate on how he was able to run for a third term, except to say that it was a “complicated matter” that has been confirmed by “the best lawyers in the world.”

President Trump has not commented publicly on Obama’s plans, but the commander-in-chief did say that he will beat “anyone” who runs against him in 2020, no matter who it is.

VP Mike Pence Reportedly Addicted To ‘Penis Enlargement’ Pills

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

According to an unnamed ex-girlfriend, Vice President Mike Pence has been addicted to “penis enlargement” pills for the better part of 30 years.

“He started taking them when we were together,” said the unnamed woman, who claims to have dated Pence for ‘about 4 years’ in the early 80s. “He was so upset by the underwhelming size of his member. He knew that I’d dated some black guys when I was in college, and he was obsessed with measuring up. Unfortunately, they never seemed to do any good.”

The woman would not elaborate on the exact size of Pence’s penis, but did say that it was ‘among the tiniest’ she had ever seen.

“He used to eat the damn pills like candy. It was kind of disturbing, to be honest,” said the ex. “I never complained about his size to him, or about our sex life, but he still couldn’t stop taking them. What the man really should have been taking is Viagra. He never could keep it up around me. I often wondered if he was secretly gay. But he hasn’t tried to electroshock himself that I know of, so that last part is probably just speculation.”

Study Finds Trump Voters Have Drastically Lower IQ Than Liberals

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

After Donald Trump was elected President, a group of researchers at the Pentagon set into motion a study unlike any other – they wanted to find out the average IQ of a group that would elect such an unqualified person into office.

Working with over 10,000 confirmed Trump voters and 10,000 confirmed non-Trump voters, researchers gave standardized intelligence quotient tests to each group. There was no time limit to complete the test, and it was given twice over a week-long period.

“The results of the testing, while not at all surprising, prove that Trump voters are drastically behind liberals and non-Trump voters on an intellectual basis,” said Dr. Carl Brewner, who headed the study. “The test was 200 questions, and each completed test gave us an average IQ score based on answers. On average, a Trump voter would score in the 30th percentile, or have an average intelligence level of about 71, far below the 90 to 110 that is considered ‘normal.’ A non-Trump voter would score an average of approximately 96.”

The research team claims that their test is ‘fairly conclusive,’ and they feel that even if they tested every single one of the millions of Trump voters, they’d come up with similar results.

“It was quite obvious to everyone that anyone who would vote for Donald Trump must be pretty stupid,” said Brewner. “Just look at the stupid things they say and do in your timeline on Facebook every single day. Now, though, we don’t even have to rely on just physical evidence of their stupidity via comments and posts and memes – we have the actual scientific data to back up how dumb they really are.”

 

Trump Signs Order To Include Extra $1k In Tax Refunds For ‘Deserving Americans’

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WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Donald Trump signed his latest order on Wednesday morning, which will allow for an extra $1000 to be sent out with the tax refunds of ‘deserving Americans.’ According to Trump, the money will not be coming from within the tax system, and will instead come out of his own pocket.

Trump says that he plans to spend approximately $15 million to hand out extra cash to police, fireman, doctors and nurses, and veterans, among others.

“There are a lot of people who do a lot of good for others, and these people are the most deserving Americans I know,” said Trump. “And because they do so much good, I think they deserve a little good in return. This year, I will send out over 15000 checks for an extra $1000 each to those people who are deserving of a little extra help, and a little more appreciation.”

Trump says that the 15000 people will be chosen at random, from a database curated by the National Census Bureau, which has information on the employment of over 6 million Americans.

Trump Reportedly Spends $65 Million of Taxpayer Money To Buy Melania a Valentine’s Day Present

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Donald Trump may consider himself one of the wealthiest people in the world, even if he can’t prove it by revealing his tax returns, but his very deep pockets didn’t come into play at all when he went shopping for the perfect Valentine’s Day present for his wife Melania.

According to reports, Trump spent a whopping $65 million dollars on Melania’s V-Day gift – a wardrobe made entirely of rare animal furs and skins such as lions, tigers, and bears – and every cent of it came from the paychecks of tax payers.

“It’s an outrage that he would spend that kind of money period, let alone on a Valentine’s Day gift,” said Mario Jones, a steelworker in Iowa who is a registered Democrat. “I mean, I got my wife some roses and a box of candy like a normal person. Where the hell does he get off spending that kind of money…MY money…on his wife when all I can spend is $12 at a supermarket?”

“Frankly, I don’t care much one way or the other what he does with my money. We are building walls, buying clothes, whatever. It’s all perfect if Trump is the one doing it,” said supporter Carl Grove. “I voted Trump for all the decisions he’ll make to help this country, good or bad, he’s doing the right thing.”

 

BREAKING: Trump Signs Executive Order Making Murder Legal…With Just One Catch

donald-trump

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

President Donald Trump signed his latest executive order this morning, making murder legal in all 50 states, but there’s one catch – it’s only legal if the murderer is a white, male and the person they kill is a minority.

“This new order is designed to clean out the riff-raff in this country, and as well all know, our biggest problem are the browns, the reds, the yellows, and the blacks…especially the blacks – they’re the ones causing most of the problems in this country,” said Trump. “My new order is designed to keep the streets safer, one murder at a time.”

Trump went on to say that any white male is able to kill any minority at any time, for any reason, and it would be considered “universal defense,” which is what Trump says self-defense of the country should be referred to as.

“Universal defense is what we do, as Americans. We universally defend ourselves, our families, and our freedoms,” said Trump. “Now, I want to take that a step further, and universally defend ourselves from the nasty, the deplorables, basically, that lie within.”

The ACLU immediately filed an injunction in the NYC Federal Courts with hopes of overturning Trump’s order.

Donald Trump Stunned To Learn His Hands Really Are Tiny

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

President Donald Trump was stunned recently when he reportedly went to shake hands with a new White House intern, and realized that his hands were, in fact, very small.

“I always thought my hands were yuge,” said Trump. “Everything I have is yuge. Yuge houses. Yuge cars. Yuge wang. I was in a state of pure shock when I realized that my hands were completely enveloped in this man’s massive mitts.”

According to the intern, he didn’t notice any real, disparaging size.

“He seemed to have pretty normal hands, possibly a bit smaller than normal. Nothing that couldn’t hold onto a double Whopper with cheese with any issue, you know?” said the intern.

Trump reportedly spent the remainder of the day locked in the oval office, alone.

“I can’t be sure, but I’m pretty certain that I heard a lot of weeping coming from in there,” said an unnamed secret service agent. “I haven’t heard that much moaning coming from the oval office since Bill was in charge.”

Betty White Officially Announces Bid For Presidency in 2020

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LOS ANGELES, California – 

Betty White has accomplished a lot in her life. She’s endured nearly 7 decades in Hollywood. She’s been at the forefront of caring for animals. She’s survived numerous death hoaxes. But there’s one thing that she says she’s sorry she’s never accomplished, and that now is the time to “right that wrong.”

“I have never been President of the United States, and I think it’s time to change that,” said White, who turned 95 on January 17th. “I’ve seen a lot of politicians come and go in my day. A lot of Presidents. Some of them have been good. Some have been bad. But not a single one of them has been me.”

White says that since she plans on living forever, there’s no reason that her age should stop her.

“In 2020, by the time I’d be getting sworn in, I would be turning 99 years old. I think that’s still a good age. Anything under 100 is still a good age to be trying new things,” said White. “I for one think I can do a better job than a lot of previous commanders-in-chief have done. I won’t name names or anything, but the bad ones know who they are.”

White did not say which party, if any, she plans to run under, but she did say that she will not ask for a dime in funding from private citizens, and instead asks anyone who thinks they’d like to donate to her campaign to instead donate to their local no-kill animal shelter.

President Trump Enacts One-Child Law For Minorities

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WASHINGTON, D.C – 

President Trump has just signed Executive Order E1334-L, which will effectively allow for minorities in the United States to have one child per married couple. Trump signed the order in hopes that less gang-bangers and rapists or drug dealers would be born within the country’s borders.

“The crime rate in this country is out of control, and we are working tirelessly to make sure that everyone is safe and happy,” said Trump. “We’ve stopped criminals and terrorists from entering the country, now we need to stop them from being born here.”

The order, which is effective immediately, is already on appeal by the ACLU on the grounds that people cannot be told in our democratic society how many children they may have, but if not overturned by a judge, will stop anyone who is not white from having more than one child. If a couple who is black, hispanic, Asian, etc, already has more than one child, they are allowed to keep the ones they have, but may not be allowed to have more.

“There are a lot of things involved in controlling this, but I have my best people on it,” said Trump. “We’re looking at the numbers, we’re looking at the people, and this will definitely help to curb the crime rate in the United States. If some black couple somewhere can’t have more than one child, they have a much lower chance of giving birth to gang-banger, a rapist, or a drug dealer. Or a filthy skank, if they had a girl.”

 

Muslims Send Letter of Thanks To Trump For Banning Them From Entering U.S.

SYRIA – 

A group of Muslims has sent a nice letter and package to the office of Donald Trump at the White House, after he banned their entire country from entering the United States.

The group says that they are “overjoyed” that they will not be allowed to enter the country, as they say Donald Trump has turned the place into a “full blown shit show.”

“There was a time where all I ever wanted was to visit the United States. I saved for years to be able to visit, and then Donald Trump took over,” said Farook Mashud. “He has taken the country and basically turned it around, bent it over, and fucked it like a goat in heat. There is no reason to visit anymore, and now I am happy to be banned.”

Many Muslims around the globe shared Mashud’s sentiment, saying that they will just “wait four years” before they try to come again.

“Even if the ban is lifted, I see no reason to go to the United States anymore,” said Khalmid Bariel. “I really wanted to visit with Obama was running things, but with that white devil turning the country into a giant pile of feces, I do not want to take a chance of being beaten or murdered while visiting. I will stay in Syria.”

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