BOSTON, Massachusetts –
A white college professor at Boston College, Mark Ryder, 38, underwent over 200 hours of expensive cosmetic surgery to look “as black as possible,” with hopes that he could prove to his Ethics in Law class that there was no such thing as a racial bias by police, and that the media like to hype up issues with African Americans by police.
According to reports, though, Ryder was shot and later arrested by police after he tried to leave his doctor’s office and walk to his own car across the street.
“My client was simply walking to his car, which happened to be a brand new Tesla, and was stopped by police,” said Ryder’s lawyer, Carlton Fisher. “They assumed he was stealing it, and despite when being asked to show his hands and complying, officers shot Mr. Ryder twice. He was struck in the arm and the ribs.”
Police reports show that Ryder was “not cooperative” with police requests, and was shot after an officer believed he was reaching for a weapon. Naturally, the officer’s body camera was switched off.
Ryder has since been released from prison, and is planning a lawsuit against the Boston PD. He has also retired from teaching Ethics in Law, stating that “English is a much easier, more straight-forward class.”
BOSTON, Massachusetts –
A man has filed for divorce only hours into his own wedding night after panicking after discovering that his new wife was not exactly what “she” claimed to be.
Ken Spencer, 26, filed for a divorce with Tiana Smith, 28, only four hours into their wedding night, after discovering his partner had a penis.
The newlyweds, who are both devout Catholics, and had waited until marriage to partake in any sexual relationship, were about to consummate their vows, when Spencer discovered things were not “as they should be.”
“It’s short, stumpy and crooked. It leans on the right at a 45-degree angle, then curves back to the left. It’s definitely the grossest thing I’ve ever seen,” he explained. “I thought that Tiana was a woman. She…he…whatever. There was no mention that he was a man.”
Divorce attorney Kevin Goldstein claims that his client was lied to about the sex of his partner, who had never told him that he was born a man, and still had a penis.
Spencer is also suing his former partner for $30,000, which is what he estimated was spent in wedding costs, plus a canceled $5,000 honeymoon trip to Hawaii.
“Tiana had sent me pics of her boobs and even a couple down-the-pants shots, and I still have them on my phone,” said Spencer. “She was definitely trying to deceive me. It was either someone else’s vagina, or she tucked it back. Either way, I’m sick just thinking about it. I’ll show them to the judge, and he’ll agree with me.”In many states, the fraudulent conduct of one spouse may provide grounds for divorce. The definition of fraud in the context of divorce law equates to one spouse “grossly misrepresenting issues so important that the other spouse would not have married him had she known the truth.”
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
Now that President Trump has successfully won the War on Christmas, he is setting his sights on another age-old advisory: The War on New Year’s Eve.
“It’s despicable that there are so many people wishing each other a ‘Happy New Year,’ when they have no idea if I believe that next year is going to be better than this one,” said President Trump. “Liberals like to push their agenda, they want you to have a happy 2018. Well that’s not right, that’s not going to work for everyone. 2017 was a big year. The biggest year. I’m not saying 2018 can’t be a big year, but we can’t just go out assuming it’s going to be great, it’s going to be happy.”
Trump said that he has begun wishing people a “decent New Year” or an “Okay New Year,” and on at least one occasion, a “shitty New year.”
“I have no reason to wish that specific person a Happy New Year, and I don’t particularly want them to have a Happy 2018,” said Trump, not mentioning the person by name. “Frankly, though, this entire happy nonsense has got to stop. I’m officially declaring it dead, and killing this war on New Year’s.
DECATUR, Alabama –
A Decatur man, 47-year-old Mark Perry, has found a legal loophole in Alabama law that will allow him to marry a 19-month-old baby. Perry, a lawyer for more than 20 years, said he discovered the loophole by accident almost a decade ago, but never thought that he, himself, would need it.
“It wasn’t until I met Charlene that I knew, we had to be together,” said Perry. “She’s absolutely the one for me, and there’s no one I’d rather spend the rest of my life with.”
The law in Alabama stipulates that a man must be of legal, consenting age to agree to marry, but the poor wording means that a woman could enter into marriage at any age. Because Charlene cannot sign her own name, though, her father will have to give consent and sign for her. Thankfully for Perry, Charlene is the daughter of his law partner, Craig Lewis. Lewis says that he is absolutely “overjoyed” at the thought of his long-time friend marrying his daughter.
“Frankly, I wish that they would have found each other sooner,” said Lewis. “I’ve never seen Charlene so happy before in all of her life. Most of the time, she cries and whines, but not when she’s with Mark. He’s the only one who can calm her down. It’s really amazing, their love is so pure and true.”
The couple are planning a spring wedding.
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
In an unplanned and quietly announced session at the White House on Friday, President Trump signed a bill reversing the gay marriage laws, and revoking the right for homosexuals to get married. The bill was signed only a short 20 minutes after Trump’s tax plan was made official.
“As a Christian, and as someone who wants America to be great again – as great as possible – I cannot, in good conscience, allow for gays to get married in this country,” said President Trump. “They will have to settle for just being boyfriends or girlfriends. That’s really all they need, anyway.”
The decision to reverse the law, which of course was created under Obama, comes as no surprise to Trump supporters, even the gay ones.
“I voted for him so, I mean, I guess that’s what I’m going to get, you know?” Said Marcus Crumb, a gay man in New York City. “I don’t know why I even marked his name off on the sheet. I could have chosen Jill Stein, you know? But she just has like, no style at all, and Trump wears just the most fabulous suits. I’ll take looking at Trump over getting married any day. No one says I can’t still like pumping a guy in the ass, right? I don’t need a piece of paper just ’cause I’m in love.”
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
President Trump has made a big deal about not showing his taxes, trying desperately to hide his actual income and net worth from the public. The reason why, many have speculated, is that he not only has cheated on his taxes, but that the forms would reveal how little he actually has in income. As it turns out, that is partially correct.
Although Trump has made a fortune selling his name and branding buildings, it was also recently discovered that the world’s most powerful leader is completely and totally flat broke.
“The President has a rather extreme, but somewhat relatable addiction to buying and collecting movies,” said a source from inside the White House. “I know that seems kind of bizarre, but Trump is like a big man-child, and his love of movies is vast. He has dedicated an entire wing of the White House to his DVD and Blu-ray collection. He has approximately 89,000 movies. It’s a full time job for a team of 3 people to organize and alphabetize his collection.”
According to the source, Trump spends nearly $30 million a year on his movie collection, and lately that number has increased, as he spends more and more on high-priced, out of print collectible copies, and on newer and more expensive titles, such as those that are being released in 4K high definition. For someone who was reportedly worth billions only a decade ago, the collection has slowly killed his net worth.
“The President has a problem, and it’s coming to a point where someone needs to have an intervention with him, but no one knows how,” said the source. “He’s out of control. On Black Friday, where sales are at their best, he went out and bought almost 100 new movies in one day. Then, just because that kick-started the buying bug, he ordered another 270 movies on Cyber Monday. The guy has a problem, and it’s killing us all.”
BOSTON, Massachusetts –
Police in Boston arrested Martin Landon Jr., 33, after he was caught peeking into the third story window of an apartment building, reportedly watching a couple have sex, while he masturbated.
The authorities were called after the couple happened to look out their window and see Landon staring in at them.
“My first thought was ‘Oh my God, someone is staring at us!” said Joanne Lavey. “I thought it was my husband at first, and I was finally caught in the act. But it wasn’t, obviously. My second thought was, ‘How the hell is someone peeking at us? We’re on the third floor! By now my lover had also seen him, so the party was over, of course. He went limp immediately.'”
When police arrived, they found Landon with his pants around his ankles and his penis in his hand. They also happened to notice that the man had an overly long neck, and was only standing on a couple of discarded boxes in order to see in the third story window.
“Mr. Landon would be of average hight, possibly less, but because of his 3 foot tall neck, it really adds some height,” said police chief Richard Jameson. “In this situation, it caused a couple some massive distress. Frankly, I can’t blame them. If I were in the middle of a torrid affair, looking on my window and seeing Landon would be the last thing I’d want to happen.”
WATERTOWN, Connecticut –
Jerry Newbury, 29, is currently trying to sue the state of Connecticut, saying that polygamous marriage should be made legal, at least in special cases like his.
“I was born with two penises, and therefore, I should be allowed to marry two women,” said Newbury, a construction worker in Watertown. “I have never been sexually satisfied just having one woman, but this isn’t even just about the sex. This is also about love. I’ve met two beautiful, amazing women, and they both want to marry me. This is a quest for love!”
A lawyer for Newbury, Martin Preston III, Esq., argues that “the time for polygamy” has come.
“We have interracial marriage, we have gay marriage. I think it’s time that if a man wants to marry multiple women, he should be allowed,” state Preston. “This man is doing a brave service. Think of how hard it is having one, bitchy, nagging wife. Mr. Newbury wants to take on TWO! Imagine how painful this will be for him when their cycles inevitably match up? It will be torture.”
So far, the judge on the case has not made any formal ruling.
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
After lavish Christmas decorations and beautiful, “snow” covered trees were unveiled in the White House, many reporters and photographers were taken aback, and caught up in a Christmas spirit that many say was missing from the White House over the last several years.
But one reporter, who happens to be Jewish, wasn’t as impressed. Silas Jones, 30, of the New York Beat Entertainment magazine was reporting on the White House Christmas unveiling, and asked President Trump if they planned to add a menorah to the White House decorations in a couple of weeks when Chanukah starts.
“Fuck the Jews, no way am I putting up a menorah,” said Trump. “Everyone knows that the Jews are a dirty, disgusting people. And plus, they killed Jesus, and I can’t even stomach the idea of putting Jewey things next to these beautiful Christmas trees that my wife spent hours working to get up. No, there won’t be any Jew stuff here in the White House.”
Although this is the kind of comment that would normally bring outrage from the Left and from civil liberties groups such as the ACLU, Trump’s comments like this come so often that no one was even that offended.
“Totally expected,” said Jones. “I honestly only asked to get a rise, and he gave exactly what I wanted. He’s such an assclown.”
DETROIT, Michigan –
A new survey released today from the prestigious Harvard College of Detroit shows that residents across the state rated Flint tap water higher on the ‘Trustworthiness’ scale than current President Donald Trump. In the study, they found that Trump only was able to score a 14%, while Flint tap water scored a surprising 49%.
“Well, what do you expect?” said Michigan resident Duke Henry. “Thanks to the tap water in Flint, we’re really, really good at smelling shit. We know when something isn’t right. I can’t see through the tap water here, but I can see right through that Cheeto, and all of his lies.”
Resident Shirley Tanner agrees. “At some point you have to stop blaming the water for the fact your kids are dumb and lazy,” she said. “I would trust a fart after a Taco Bell run more than I’d ever trust President Trump.”
Other findings from the study were also critical of Trump’s trustworthiness. “Donald Trump’s lies affect brain development, in both children and adults, but especially those active on the internet,” said Dr. Miles Teller, who conducted the study. “Exposure to Trump’s falsehoods can also cause, among other things, full-blown retardation in those exposed for long periods of time. The neurological and behavioral effects of his lies are believed to be irreversible.”