Michelle Obama Says She Plans To Run Against Trump in 2020 – With Barack As Her V.P.!

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WASHINGTON, D.C. –

In a shocking move, Michelle Obama says she is ready to begin campaigning for a shot at the White House in 2020. The announcement comes after several months of speculation, but with Michelle always saying it wasn’t going to happen. The news also includes a shocking running mate – Michelle’s husband, former President Barack Obama.

“We had to look into the legalities a lot, because we were not 100% sure it could happen, but it turns out, everything is in order,” said Michelle Obama in a statement. “Barack finished his two terms as elected President, but would be allowed to serve two more terms as Vice President, were he able to get elected with a running mate who is eligible for the office. I believe I’m more than qualified for the job.”

When questioned about the issue, though, that if something were to happen to her after election, Barack would become President for a third term, Michelle smiled slyly.

“Yes, well…you do never know what the future holds,” she said.

President Trump Readies Deportation of Melania After Huge Fight At White House

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Trump says he is beginning the preparations for deporting his wife, Melania, back to “whatever third world shithole she comes from,” according to official White House documents.

According to reports, Melania and President Trump had a bitter argument in the middle of the Oval Office, although the stories differ as to what caused the argument in the first place, with most sources stating that President Trump dislikes being referred to be his wife as “President Cheeto.”

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“Frankly, I think it’s a sweet term of endearment from a wife to her husband,” said one anonymous staffer. “He really is taking it the wrong way. Now, of course, when she refers to his penis as the President’s ‘little Cheeto Puff,’ that might be crossing a line. But still – they’re married, you’re supposed to work these things out.”

President Trump said that he has been married enough times in his life, that “ditching one more won’t make much of a dent” in his life.

After Record Number of Children Disappear, Man Arrested With 47 Kids Found Locked In His Basement

MIAMI, Florida

A Florida man has been charged with felony kidnapping and attempted murder after authorities discovered 47 missing children locked in the basement of his home.

According to police, more than 50 children have been reported missing in Miami since last Monday, and police were at a loss about the disappearances, until a tip lead them to the home of Mario Wilson, 50. Police say that an anonymous call led them to them.

“We have no idea who made the call, or how they knew where to find the children, but we are grateful,” said police chief Mitch Rogers. “We have found 47 of the 52 children reported missing. We are still hunting for the 5 remaining children, and at this point, we have no reason to consider them anything other than ‘missing.’”

Wilson reportedly was luring children into his home with the prospect of watching an unreleased Pokemon movie, to which every child gleefully ran into the home. Inside, they were disappointed to find that it was just a VHS tape of old recorded episodes.

BREAKING: President Trump Gives Full Pardon to Bill Cosby

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

President Trump has reportedly offered comedian Bill Cosby a full pardon, after the fallen star was found guilty of sexual assault and sentenced to 3 to 10 years in prison. Cosby, who is a lifelong friend of President Trump, could have spent his final days in prison had Trump not stepped in.

“Bill is absolutely and without a doubt, innocent on all charges,” said President Trump. “I understand very well how our court system works. I probably understand better than anyone, but that doesn’t matter. What matters is that I have met with Bill, we have spoken at length about the accusations against him, and I don’t believe a word of them.”

Over 60 women came forward to say that Bill Cosby had assaulted them, with many being drugged and raped while unconscious.

“We all know women like to gab, and this is a perfect example of why I plan to lower the crimes associated with assault or rape,” said Trump. “It’s obvious in this case that Bill had consensual sex with a woman who later regretted it, and then accused him of rape. Afterwards, of course, dozens of other women knew they could also try and make a dime off the publicity, and accused him as well. It’s sickening – truly sick – how some people think.”

Cosby, 81, will be allowed to leave prison on Monday as soon as the pardon is signed.

President Trump Vows To Lower Severity of Sexual Assault Crimes, Hopes To Make Them ‘Ticketable’ Offenses

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

President Trump said this morning during a press conference that the “MeToo movement has gone too far,” and that “too many honest, hardworking men are being thrown under the bus with lies and malicious intent,” and that he plans to spend the rest of his time in office working to reduce the severity of rape and sexual assault charges.

“In this world that we live, many men are having their lives ruined by false allegations and exaggerated claims, and it’s time to put a stop to it,” said President Trump. “I myself have been wrongly accused of sexual assault, as have many of my close friends, and it’s sickening. It’s terrifying to live as a man right now, and know that at any time, some woman who you may not even know could come forward and say that you forcibly kissed her, or groped her, or that you offered her money to sit on your face, and it could ruin your life. It’s disgusting behavior on the part of these women.”

Trump went on to say that he felt that the transgressions of young men, if they happen at all, should be forgotten or pushed aside based on the work they’ve done and accomplished in the years since.

“I will not comment publicly on whether or not I believe Brett Kavanaugh assaulted anyone, even though we all clearly know that he didn’t,” said President Trump. “What I do know is that the accusations are destroying him and his family, and that’s not right. It’s for MeToo to go away quietly.”

President Trump said that he hopes to pass new laws that would decrease the criminal statute that would imprison people like Bill Cosby, who was sentenced to 3-10 years for sexual assault, and instead would allow men who are found guilty to pay a sort of fine, or restitution to the plaintiff.

“It  is my hope that my son can grow up in a world where no woman will ever accuse him of touching her inappropriately, whether he did or not,” said Trump. “I want to keep Making America Great Again, and at this point, this is my number one concern.”

Police Officer in Australia Was Beaten and Raped By a Wild Kangaroo

A police office in Australia was hospitalized with several injuries after he was beaten and sexually assaulted by a wild kangaroo during the course of duty, reports Canberra newspaper The Canberra Times.

Via World News Daily Report:


The attack occurred at 2 am yesterday after police officers responded to residents who were alarmed by an intruder on their property.

Police officers arrived on the scene to find an extremely aggressive kangaroo and attempted to scare away the animal, without success.
“He jumped on my partner, kicked him unconscious to the floor and started humping him and attempted to mate with him,” Constable Pete Turnbull told reporters.

Constable Malcolm Rudd suffered from two cuts and a black eye as well as multiple concussions to the head after the kangaroo in heat attempted to mate with the officer’s head.

“He was humping and rubbing his penis all over my partner’s face in a brutal fashion. I had to tase the animal or else he would have killed him” Constable Pete Turnbull explained, visibly emotional.

It took several minutes before Constable Turnbull realized that his partner was in trouble as he was dealing with the residents who had called during the assault.

“When he was lying unconscious on the ground, it was dark and I thought his head was covered in blood. Thankfully, it was mostly kangaroo sperm,” Constable Turnbull told reporters in relief.


 

BREAKING: Donald Trump Secretly Hired Illegal Immigrants To Start Building Border Wall

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Top secret documents leaked to the press by a White House staffer showed that President Trump ordered the hiring of over 2,000 illegal immigrants to begin working on his border wall between Texas and Mexico. The documents, released to the press only hours ago, also stated that he was prepared to offer each worker upwards of $40 an hour.

“This is a goddamn outrage,” said construction worker Chris Thomas. “I have been bidding for the border wall job for nearly a year, and it’s the goddamn illegals that get the job? Isn’t the whole point of the wall to keep these sand people out of the fucking country?”

Trump released a statement on Twitter, stating that “all suspicion of illegals being used for labor at the border are false.” He went on to say that “Fake News” had struck again.

“I would never hire undocumented workers,” tweeted Trump. “The Fake News Media has struck again, and you’re all buying it. We don’t have any staffers in the WH that would leak that news, even if it were true.”

Donald Trump Offers Roseanne a Job In The White House After Her Recent Firing From ABC

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

President Donald Trump has reportedly offered Roseanne Barr a job in his cabinet at the White House, after ABC fired Roseanne and cancelled her sitcom over racist tweets made by the comedian. President Trump says that he “feels horrible” for the TV star, and says that there is “absolutely a job” for her in the White House.

“Roseanne is a national treasure, and is loved by many,” said President Trump. “Her tweets were her own thoughts, which were shared by many people across this great nation. I, for one, believe that she deserves another chance, and as such, will be allowing her to be the chairperson of a new position I’m creating in the White House – Director of Race Relations.”

If Roseanne decides to take the job, she will be in charge of working with people of all different races throughout the country in trying to “smooth over” issues between them.

“This will include teaching black people not to shoot and rob each other, teaching Mexicans how to wear deodorant in public, that sort of thing,” said President Trump. “I absolutely believe that Roseanne is the perfect person for this job.”

President Trump Says He Will ‘Completely Pardon’ Bill Cosby After His Sentencing

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

For those hoping to see Bill Cosby serve an extended prison sentence where he would likely end up dying, you may have to keep waiting.

This afternoon, when Trump was asked about his thoughts on Bill Cosby’s verdict, the President stated that he would be “completely pardoning” the fallen comedian.

“Regardless of what that jury thinks, or what anyone thinks, Bill Cosby has always been America’s dad – and America’s dad would never sexually assault and drug all those women,” said President Trump. “As soon as he is officially sentenced, I will be offering Mr. Cosby a full pardon, and the apology of the U.S. justice system. The fact that he has been found guilty is sickening.”

Trump, who has been accused by many, many women of also being a sexual predator, states that pardoning Cosby has “nothing to do” with his own conscience, and everything to do with “writing a serious wrong.”

“I love Bill Cosby, I loved The Cosby Show, and I love Jello Pudding,” said President Trump. “If you cannot get behind those things as well, then I don’t know how you can even call yourself an American.”

Colorado Announces Plans To Release All Prisoners Currently Incarcerated For Marijuana Crimes

DENVER, Colorado – 

The state of Colorado has announced plans to release all prisoners currently serving time for marijuana-related offenses, roughly 6 years after the state legalized the recreational use of the drug.

This decision was made after several non-violent criminals, arrested or serving time for low-level marijuana-related crimes petitioned the state legislature to hear their cases. With the backing of the ACLU, the 9 prisoners were able to win their release – along with the release of anyone else serving.

“We cannot, in good conscience, allow people to be spending time in prison for something that is not a crime anymore, and that people are allowed to do freely on the outside,” said ACLU representative and lawyer, Carl Urbex. “This is a major win for marijuana users, and I sincerely hope that other states with laws similar to ours follow suit.”

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