Rocketman And Dotard Agree To Settle Diplomatic Issues In EPIC Rap Battle

WASHINGTON, DC - JUNE 26:  Same-sex marriage supporters rejoice after the U.S Supreme Court hands down a ruling regarding same-sex marriage June 26, 2015 outside the Supreme Court in Washington, DC. The high court ruled that same-sex couples have the right to marry in all 50 states.  (Photo by Alex Wong/Getty Images)
WASHINGTON, DC – JUNE 26: Same-sex marriage supporters rejoice after the U.S Supreme Court hands down a ruling regarding same-sex marriage June 26, 2015 outside the Supreme Court in Washington, DC. The high court ruled that same-sex couples have the right to marry in all 50 states. (Photo by Alex Wong/Getty Images)

North Korean leader Kim Jong Un had some choice words for US President Donald Trump Friday, accusing the American leader of “mentally deranged behavior.” He went on to say, “He is surely a rogue and a gangster fond of playing with fire, rather than a politician,” Mr. Kim said.

Mr. Trump on Friday responded with some name-calling of his own. On Twitter, the president called Mr. Kim “obviously a madman.”

Trump has repeatedly said that, “the time for talk is over,” and has proposed what is being called a radical diplomatic solution. Epic rap battle. As both leaders enjoy talking smack, and nuclear war would obliterate the human race, this is being hailed as the perfect solution.

Initially Kim Jong Un proposed a wrestling match, but Trump backed down after hearing the rumor Kim Jong Un is a champion ssireum wrestler. Ssireum is a folk wrestling style and traditional national sport of Korea. While it is likely this is yet another one of Kim Jong Un’s unsubstantiated claims about his physical prowess, advisors warned Trump that at 71, nearly twice the age of North Korea’s leader, this was potentially a game he would not win.

Although North Korea’s leader taunted Trump for backing down from the wrestling match, calling him a “frightened dog,” he accepted Trump’s suggestion to rap battle, saying he would “annihilate the senile, dotard, American snake bastard.”

Critics worry Trump’s repertoire of racist slurs and “yo momma” jokes will not be enough to win the rap battle, but Trump is confident his old white guy swagger will prevail. “Rocketman ain’t got nothin’ on me,” he said in a recent tweet. Still, by coming up with an epic dis like Dotard, Kim Jong Un has demonstrated his masterful use of antiquated language and shown he knows his way around a thesaurus. Trump’s straightforward style may cost him points in the creativity category, as so far the best insults he has delivered include nicknames such as, Crooked Hillary, Lyin’ Ted, Crazy Bernie, and Low Energy-Jeb. “Cryin’ Chuck” and “Rocketman” do show he is capable of alliteration and ripping off Elton John songs though, so he may be able to pull it off.

A date for the competition has yet to be set, but ample time will be given to allow each leader to prepare dope rhymes . The rap battle will be judged by a panel of hip hop artists including Ice Cube, Big Baby Ghandy, Kang Chun-hyok, and Yang Dong-geun.

 

Lost City of Atlantis Uncovered In Mediterranean Sea

atlantis

BAZOS, Croatia – 

A team of explorers who have been searching for the lost city of Atlantis for the better part of 30 years have reportedly discovered the ruins of the Mecca, located approximately 30 miles beneath the surface of the Mediterranean Sea, directly off the coast of Croatia.

According to the research team, there is more than $300 billion worth of lost treasures within the city, not to mention the city itself.

“People have been searching for Atlantis for hundreds of years, with many thinking that it may never have existed at all,” said Mark Kempf, lead of the expedition. “Through hundreds of hours of research in books before setting out on our trip, we were able to locate the approximate area where we believed the city to be, and after repeated attempts to reach the area, we were finally successful last week.”

Kempf says that it will become “increasingly difficult” to have many people visit the area, as he believes the more people that know the area, the fewer treasures there will be.

“Oh, the place will definitely be overrun with pirates very quickly, which is why we are not releasing the city’s exact location at this time,” said Kempf. “This discovery will definitely put my children’s children’s children through college, though.”

Self-Professed ‘Fag Hater’ Wants Scientists To ‘Get Rid Of Rainbows’

rainbows

MOBILE, Alabama —

With gay marriage now legal in all 50 states and rainbow flags (the universal symbol for gay pride) flying all over the country, one man who makes it a point to destroy every rainbow flag and spray paint over rainbow bumper stickers he sees, now wants to destroy actual rainbows.

“I used to like seeing a rainbow in nature, ” Buddy Jones told Confederate News. “Now all I see is a symbol for faggotry. Makes me sick to my tummy to see a rainbow in the sky. I want to destroy them because they’re making me crazy and I think destroying rainbows will really get on queer’s nerves, but I don’t know how to kill rainbows myself.”

That’s where Jones wants scientists to step in and help.

“I know a lot of scientists are fag sympathizers,” Jones said. “But there are some good Christian scientists out there who could use their scientific smarts to destroy rainbows. Scientists can build talking robots and send people into deep space, how hard could it be to destroy rainbows?”

Jones is calling out scientists to take up his rainbow destroying cause.

“Maybe scientists could build a laser gun that instantly blows up rainbows,” Jones said. ‘I don’t know. I just think this is an important cause. Queers took rainbows from us and made them their own, now we gotta show them there are consequences to what they did. And think about this: How long before some other sicko group takes something cool from nature? Like clouds or something. We gotta destroy rainbows now.”

Could Denying Russians From Olympic Games Start Another War?

rio

RIO DE JANEIRO, Brazil – 

Analysts fear tensions with the Russians could lead to another war if the Russians are banned from participating in the Olympic games. The Russian sports minister says “up to 67 athletes” have applied to track and field’s world governing body to be exempted from the ban on the Russian team at the Rio de Janeiro Olympics

The IAAF is unlikely to approve most of the 67 athletes, since it has previously indicated the exemption is aimed at a small minority of athletes based abroad.

When a global governing body for sports barred Russia’s track and field team from the 2016 Summer Olympics on Friday over a wide-ranging doping scandal, it was greeted in Russia, as is with a deep sense of victimhood.

President Vladimir V. Putin of Russia called the decision “unjust, of course.”

Mr. Putin said, “Russia is strengthening antidoping controls and athletes should bear personal responsibility for using performance-enhancing drugs.” Punishing the whole team, he said, “doesn’t fit any norms of civilized behavior.”

Outside Russia, sporting officials viewed the unanimous decision as a long overdue restoration of some fairness in competitions. After all, in some sporting events Russian athletes had been trouncing competitors for years before it turned out they were using performance-enhancing drugs.

Post-Terrorist Attack, Brussels Still Officially #SaferThanATrumpRally

trumprally

BRUSSELS, Belgium – 

Social media has been abuzz the last few weeks with the hashtag #SaferThanATrumpRally, with many folks listing some absurd and dark places that are safer to be than at a Donald Trump rally.

After the attack in Brussels, Belgium, most would assume that they’d rather be anywhere else, but according to social media, even the terrorist-attacked city would be a better place to be than with any view of Donald Trump.

“I’d rather be in Brussels with a shirt with a target on it that says ‘fuck you, Muslim scum’ than ever set foot at a Trump rally,” said New York resident Joel Miller. “I was downtown during 9/11. Scariest time of my life. I’d rather live that all over again, too, than ever be at a Trump rally. The man, and his minions, are mindless, soulless villains.”

As with all tragedies, everyone is standing with Brussels, and an onslaught of support has appeared from all corners of the globe, with many users on social media changing their pictures to a photo of the flag of Belgium in solidarity.

“Donald Trump is a nightmare. I’ve seen people get punched in the face while simply standing still, peacefully, at one of his rallys,” said Maryanne Lewis of Detroit, Michigan. “I’d sooner throw beer and ham at a Muslim holding an AK-47 with TNT strapped to his ass than be at a Trump rally. These are terrifying times, both in the US and abroad.”

Weathermen Predict Heavy Snowfall In Summer After Mildest Winter On Record

Meteorologists Predict Record Shattering Snowfalls Coming Soon; Bread & Milk Prices Expected To Soar

ATLANTIC CITY, New Jersey – 

Much of the country was unaffected by massive snowstorms this winter, with only one major storm hitting the Eastern part of the United States. Now, most meteorologists say that this summer will be the coldest in history, with much of the country seeing the snow they should have gotten in December and January coming in June and July.

“I know it’s extremely odd to see these types of weather patterns, but it’s true,” said TV weatherman Joel Goldsmith of WMTX in New Jersey. “What people don’t understand is that global warming causes extreme heat, and extreme cold, and it cycles. Most of the country experienced the warmest weather in recorded history, and those temperatures will not hold up indefinitely.”

Goldsmith says that he expects to see much of the United States getting hit with violent rain, wind, and yes, even snowstorms, throughout most of the summer months.

“Most of New England will be buried this summer, upwards of 48 inches of snow can be coming in one storm over multiple days,” said Goldsmith. “Come July, you’re going to feel like it’s Christmas out there, because there will be record snowfall. Be cautioned, it’s going to get ugly. It’s not just New England, either. The entire country will be affected by this. Get your milk and bread tucked away now; it’s coming, and it’s coming fast.”

 

China Announces Plans To Sell Tibet To Highest Bidder

tibet

BEIJING, China – 

China says that they are willing to give up the sovereignty it has held Tibet since 1951 – as long as the price is right.Hippies and hipsters across the United States are already trying to raise awareness and encourage people to chip in to “Free Tibet.”

“China’s actually really hurting. The US owes 1.3 trillion dollars it never intends to pay back,” said self-proclaimed ‘granola’ Cindy Morris. “The biggest thing is the bad reputation they have developed. ‘Made in China’ means crap. Plus, the pollution over there is really bad. Their government needs more money to process all the dead bodies.”

Since the 1950s, millions has been donated to the Free Tibet cause, but it is unclear where this money is being kept or how much there is. The Dahli Lama has yet to release a statement on the matter, and the Tibetan Government in Exile has not been clear whether they will be able to afford China’s price. It is likely that they do not feel they are rightfully owned by China and will refuse to pay for their freedom.

President Obama Lifts Trade Embargo With Cuba

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

President Obama announced today that he would sign documents releasing the trade embargo on trades with Cuba, a blockade that has been in place for over 50 years. The move comes as part of Obama’s campaign to open more doors for American businesses to deal face-to-face with foreign companies.

“I believe that America is the greatest nation in the world, and that we are also a forgiving nation,” said Obama. “We will never forget the Missile Crisis held over our heads by the Cubans, but we can forgive many nations of many mistakes. This is one time to forgive.”

The embargo has long since blocked any American businesses from dealing with companies based in Cuba. The new ruling would allow goods to once again be bought and sold from the United States to Cuba, and vice-versa.

“This is the biggest bunch of bullshit I’ve ever heard,” said Texas rancher Bubba Reynolds. “I paid over $2,000 for a box of high-end, beautiful Cuba cigars. I thought I was investing in my future. Up until yesterday these beauties were worth over 5 times what I paid. Now they’re junk, because any schmo can get them imported. Next time I deal in illegal trades with other countries, I’ll stick to Colombia and their cocaine.”

The embargo dissolution will not take effect until the first of the new year.

School Forced To Change Racist Mascot, Goes From ‘Warriors’ To ‘Wetbacks’

SKOWHEGAN, Maine – 

A small high school in Maine is fueling massive controversy after being forced to change their “racist” mascot name. The school, which has had the Warrior mascot for decades, decided to change the name after pressure from the community.

“This area of Maine has a high concentration of Native Americans, and the warrior name was extremely offensive,” said Skowhegan resident Joanne Fisher. “I was one of the ones who voted for the change, because I have some Native blood in me somewhere, and I was utterly offended when I moved to the area 2 months ago. I think the new name is a lot better. I’m not Mexican, so what do I care?”

The school chose to go with the new mascot, The Skowhegan Wetback, because they said that there are, in fact, no Wetbacks in the area.

“This area has a decent population of Indians, Jews, and we have some Wops and a couple Gooks, but they keep to themselves and don’t get involved in social issues anyway,” said school superintendent Joe Goldsmith. “I for one was fine with the Warrior name. I think it had more to do with spirit than with the red-skinned people around here, but whatever. The new name works, too.”

The school says that they will be abandoning the Warrior mascot at the end of the school year.

Vivid Entertainment Offers Ben Carson $250,000 To Star In Adult Video Series

ben carson

LOS ANGELES, California –

Vivid Entertainment, the adult film company responsible for pioneering celebrity sex tapes and porn parodies, has reportedly offered current presidential candidate Ben Carson $250,000 to star in a series of pornographic films.

Vivid, who have released tapes starring Pamela Anderson and Paris Hilton among many others, is looking to capitalize on Carson’s current celebrity status as a mumbling Republican presidential candidate, who was previously known best as a surgeon who separated siamese twins. Carson has surged in the polls lately despite his seemingly inept concept of politics, something that Vivid has says will actually be incorporated into the storyline of the films.

Founder of Vivid, Steven Hirsch, says that if Carson agrees to star in the series, they will create three adult films that tell the story of his life. The first, to be titled Carson: The Teen Years would chronicle Carson’s sexual escapades as a mumbling teen prior to his career in medicine. The second film in the series, titled Carson: Mumble On My Dick would take place over the eight-year period of his medical school and immediately following. The final film, titled Carson: Sleeping The Election Away would feature Carson as he is today, boring and banal.

“All the films will feature known adult film stars, including Vivid favorites Hanna Hilton and Kayden Kross, as well as some of our other Vivid Girls,” Said Hirsch in a pitch sent to representatives for Carson. “The story of Ben Carson’s life is big news, and we want to not only tell his story, but we want to tell it with some really great T&A.”

Hirsch seemed to think that a venture into the adult industry could be exactly what Carson needs to “put a happier face” onto his campaign.

“This whole thing, it looks bad to everyone, anyone who follows politics. As any country looking in at us, it makes us look horrible for even considering him,” Said Hirsch. “We want to help the Ben, and to pay some respect to a guy who’s been through a lot. So, we’ve already got the writer working on the scripts. He started this morning, so he should be done by lunchtime. These are movies we are dying to make, and Carson would be a fool not to get in bed with us. Literally.”

Representatives for Ben Carson have said they are pushing for him to accept the offer, but so far he has not agreed to participate.

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