ATLANTA, Georgia –
The Coca-Cola Company says that they have purchased the rights to one of their biggest rivals from 7-Up Co., Dr. Pepper. The company says that they have plans to discontinue the product sometime in the summer of 2016, with plans to create their own, offshoot product that is “very similar” in taste to Dr. Pepper.
“After 131 years of quenching Americans thirst, Dr. Pepper will halt production in the Summer of 2016,” said Coca-Cola spokesman Mark Carson. “Though sales have always remained consistent, the 7-Up company can no longer compete with other soda producers using cheaper ingredients, such as ours. Rights to the recipe have been sold to us at Coca-Cola, and we have plans to stop producing the beverage later this year. Following shortly, a new Coca-Cola-branded version of a Dr. Pepper substitute will come out.”
Representatives for Dr. Pepper released a statement saying they were “extremely depressed” by the sale of the beverage recipe, but that they had “no choice” with the offer Coke made. They will continue to market and distribute their other flagship soda, 7-Up.
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
Donald Trump has been asked multiple times in the course of running for president how he plans on building a wall around Mexico to keep immigrants out of the United States. Normally, he says that he’ll “Make the Mexicans pay for it,” but in keeping with his long list of horrendous ideas, today he announced his official plan for making sure that we have secure borders.
“The only way that we can pay for something that will give us the safety and security we need, as well as keep jobs in this country, is by cutting spending somewhere else,” said Trump. “The biggest cuts we need to make are on the freeloaders and the scum in this country, so cut number one will be to the food stamp program. No more free handouts.”
According to Trump, he doesn’t just plan to make budget cuts to the program if elected, he plans to discontinue it all together.
“There’s no reason that people need these handouts from the government, and when I’m elected, they won’t be getting them anymore,” said Trump. “We need this money for other things. Better things. Bigger things. Solid walls need solid cash to be built. Instead of handouts, we get these people a job building the wall, and pay them for their time. No more handouts necessary.”
Trump is currently leading the Republican race, a highly disturbing fact that any conscious, thinking person should be terrified to hear.