‘Roseanne’ Latest Show To Get Reboot On Netflix, Show To Be ‘Just As Trashy’ As Ever

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LOS ANGELES, California – 

Despite horrendous reviews, Fuller House has been a monster hit this week for Netflix. So much so that the streaming service has announced that they have made a deal with everyone’s favorite trashy comedian, Roseanne Barr, to re-launch her extremely successful sitcom.

“We are extremely happy that Roseanne will be returning to television, and the best thing is, it will be on our service, so it can be even raunchier and trashier than it was in the 80s and 90s,” said Netflix CEO Bill Hastings. “Roseanne is equally excited to bring back most of the cast of the original show, and catch everyone up on where the Connors have been these years.”

The show will take place in the present day, with Roseanne having her two daughters move back into the house where they all grew up, now complete with families of their own.

“It’s great, because the more people in the house, the trashier it will be,” said Roseanne. “We left the series on a really high note, but with a really heavy, down theme. At the time, it’s what I wanted. Now, though, I want to bring the light back. There’s some stuff I would have done differently, but in the end, this show will be so fucking great.”

Teens Make Pregnancy Pact Hoping To Get On MTV Series ’16 & Pregnant’

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ATLANTA, Georgia – 

The parents of Marley Simpson, age 16, and Brittany Lott, age 15, have been granted permission by a local court to keep their children under house arrest after the parents found out the girls have made a pact to get pregnant.

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Marley’s mother, Kaitlin Simpson, says they wanted to get pregnant at the same time so they could be on MTV’s show 16 and Pregnant. “Marley says I shouldn’t have been snooping and reading her diary, but I am damn glad I did so I could put a stop to this nonsense. I told the girls that 15 minutes of fame is no reason to throw their lives away and bring a child into this world. Of course, you know I would be the one taking care of it anyway.”

Courts have approved the petition of the Simpsons and Lotts to keep their daughters under house arrest, even providing ankle bands so police will be alerted if the teens try to leave the house.

Brittany’s father, Jim, says he has also installed cameras around the house so he can monitor his daughter remotely. “Brittany’s a sneaky girl. I knew keeping her home wasn’t enough. I had signs made with pictures of me and my rifle and I posted them all over the lawn. I imagine that will keep those boy and their little peckers away, but if it don’t, I’ll be watching from inside.”

Man Claims He Went Blind After Binge-Watching Netflix Series

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CUPERTINO, California – 

Paul Jones, 37, is an avid fan of movies and TV series. A former movie theatre projectionist, Jones’ personal library of films is over 4,000 titles, but he soon may be selling them all, as he says he will no longer be able to enjoy movies after going blind from binge-watching Netflix series.

“I loved movies, I loved TV, but that’s all over for me now,” said Jones, who watched the entire series of Orange is the New Black over the course of just a few days. “I got hooked on it, despite its silly storylines and abysmal acting by the lead character, and I sat, staring at my TV for almost 3 straight days. I didn’t sleep at all. Binge-watching for days straight was not a good idea.”

Jones says that staying up for 3 days doing nothing but watching Netflix caused him to lose almost 80% vision in both of his eyes.

“Doctors say that it was a really bad move on my part, and I guess they must have been right,” said Jones. “I’m ashamed and embarrassed that my life has come to this, but I needed to get my story out there. I wanted to warn everyone else. Binge watching is harmful. Go back to the old days of doing things. Watch a show when it airs on TV. If it doesn’t air, like Orange, then watch one episode a week on a certain night. Just pretend. Don’t end up like me.”

TLC, MTV Partner On New Reality Show ‘I Didn’t Know I Was 16 And Pregnant’

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NEW YORK CITY, New York – 

With high ratings for both TLC’s I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant and MTV’s 16 and Pregnant, the parent companies of the two networks, Discovery and Viacom, respectively, have announced a partnership to develop a new series, I Didn’t Know I Was 16 and Pregnant. The show will chronicle teens who don’t realize that they’re pregnant until they are being rushed to the emergency room.

“Much like I Didn’t Know…, this new show will focus on mothers -to-be who are, for some reason, unaware that they are pregnant,” said showrunner Kathleen Kennedy. “The difference is, instead of just being 40-year-old women who think they have a 9 month long case of gas, the show will focus on ignorant teens who are too stupid to use protection and too scared to talk to their parents.”

Both shows have garnered high ratings for their respective networks, and the joint partnership reveals a common goal amongst television networks – ratings and money.

“All we want is for people to be entertained,” said Kennedy. “If watching these poor sad sacks have their lives ruined unexpectedly will do that, then hell, we’re all about making sure that we get it all on film.”

In the first season, Kennedy says that viewers can expect to hear stories from 5 young women, all of whom are 15 or 16-years-old, and at least one story from a girl who denies ever having had sex, even screaming it while she’s pushing out a baby.

“That’s a hell of an episode!” said Kennedy. “Divinity is definitely not in that baby’s future, though. There’s a twist you won’t see coming at all, but I’ll hint that it sets up another new show we’re working on, 16 and Incestually Pregnant.

‘Lip Synch Battle’ Show Proves People Will Watch Anything, Regardless of Entertainment Value

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NEW YORK CITY, New York –

Lip Synch Battle, the new series on SpikeTV that pits two celebs against each other in a lip synch competition has been heating up in the ratings, as each week two new megastars pretend to have talent to the cheers of a live audience.

“We knew when Jimmy Fallon started doing this bit on his show and the clips were going viral that we could base a whole series around it,” said SpikeTV CEO Ross Doucheman. “Now, each week we get new celebs who may or may not be talented in their own field to come out and pretend to have musical dance and singing talent. It’s really a stupid idea, but hey, people are watching it.”

Doucheman says that the ratings for the series have skyrocketed since the first episode, which featured Fallon facing off against action star Dwayne Johnson.

“Basically, we got two people out on stage who are mediocre at what they do, and they pretended to be great at singing. It was a good show,” said Doucheman. “Now, we’re doing it every single week, and all sorts of people are watching. Really, I think we could film celebs taking a shit for 30 minutes and air that, and people would watch. It doesn’t even matter anymore, we’re definitely not ‘trying’ or anything. But, either way, I’m still rolling around in a brand new Tesla 300, so keep watching, people!”

Saturday Night Live To Move To Wednesday 7PM Time Slot

Saturday Night Live To Move To Wednesday 7PM Time Slot

NEW YORK CITY, New York – 

For the last 40 years, Saturday Night Live has aired their sketch comedy show on late night television, and of course, it has always been aired on Saturday nights. Now, some big changes are underway in hopes of reenergizing a brand that has exposed the world to some of the best comedians of all time.

“Basically, we need to shake things up,” said SNL executive Lorne Michaels. “We’ve been on for 40 years, the same night, same time, doing the same kinds of things. We need to stay competitive in TV, and this is a change that has been long overdue.”

According to NBC, the network that airs the show, and Michaels, SNL will move from its current time slot to one that NBC feels will help boost ratings, choosing to air the show Wednesday nights at 7pm.

“Right now, there is nothing good to watch on TV Wednesday nights at 7pm, and we hope to change that,” said NBC Chairman Robert Greenblatt. “Moving SNL to Wednesday is a huge change, but one that both Lorne and the network really feel will breathe a new life into the stagnant show.”

Saturday Night Live will reportedly retain its name, although aside from the Saturday part changing, the Live part will reportedly be changing as well.

“Yeah, we’re going to tape it on Monday afternoons now,” said Michaels. “To be honest, no one will notice anyway. It will allow us to get better performances from our cast and guests, as well as allow us to hone the bits a little more. They tend to fall flat most of the time right now, and we can change that for sure. The pre-taped segments, like Dick In A Box or Lazy Sunday by The Lonely Island were always the more popular ones, anyway. Now, the whole show can be a YouTube sensation!”

The show will take up its new time slot starting next season.

NBC Confirms ‘Seinfeld’ Coming Back To Television, Entire Cast Signs 3 Year Deal

NBC Confirms ‘Seinfeld’ Coming Back To Television, Entire Cast Signs 3 Year Deal

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Time to rejoice America, Seinfeld is officially coming back to TV in the fall of 2015. Negotiations have been going on behind closed doors for months, and NBC refused to greenlight the project until the entire cast signed on, with Jerry himself being the last holdout.

“I was under a lot of pressure from the guys to sign on,” said the show’s star, Jerry Seinfeld. ”I was pretty happy being semi-retired and stupidly wealthy, but Julia, Michael, and Jason, man, they really needed the money and wanted to be on top again. So I guess I’ll come back and star cashing those million-dollar-per-episode checks again. Larry David will produce us once more, and the show will still be about nothing, just nothing set years later. It’s going to be the same exact set, it’s going to be like we never left. The first episode will be about auto-correct and text messages, should be a lot of fun.”

“Kramer’s back baby!” said Michael Richards. ”Thank God Jerry agreed to do it. The best thing is all of us being back together again. We were all part of something special years ago and we never stopped being friends. I don’t care if no one watches, which clearly won’t even be possible, but as long as I get to work with my best friends and those sweet TV paychecks come in, I’ll be happy. Anything that keeps people from remembering that racist tirade I went on a few years back. Oh damn, I brought it up again, didn’t I? Er – Seinfeld! Yeah!”

“It’s sad that they have to keep rehashing these old shows,” said film and TV critic Carmine Classi. ”With all the crap on TV today though, I’m really looking forward to Seinfeld coming back this fall. Dreyfus, Richards, and Alexander all sucked on solo projects, but together they at least make a passible show. It may be about nothing, but plenty of people watched Jersey Shore, and that’s not exactly about anything, either. Personally, I think Jerry Seinfeld deserves a Nobel Peace Prize or something for making this happen.”

 

NBC Launches Remake Of Popular Sitcom ‘Friends’ Aimed At African-Americans, Show To Be Titled ‘My Niggas’

NBC Launches Spin-Off Of Popular Sitcom 'Friends' Aimed At African-Americans, Show Titled 'My Niggas'

 

NEW YORK CITY, New York – 

NBC has announced today that they will be doing an ‘altered remake’ of one of their most popular sitcoms to date. The new show will be loosely based off their hit show Friends, and is tentatively titled My Niggas. 

The show will include a cast made up entirely of African-Americans, and will have the same structure as the original Friends sitcom but with what executives are calling “a little more edge.”

“The show will also still be based in New York, but no one wants to watch upper-middle class white douchebags anymore,” said NBC spokesman Dennis Belding. “This show will take place in the ghetto, a much harsher area. What we want to do is bring ‘,’humor out of the hood and show the American people that no matter what color skin you have, we all have our friends, or in this case, you got your niggas.”

Casting is currently under production, and while they report the show’s main stars will be African-Americans, they will have a feature white character appear on the show down the line, if the show is a success.

“Just like Jim Carey kicking some ass on In Living Color back in the day, you know?” said Belding. “This isn’t about cutting out one race or another, it’s about setting a comedy in a place where there normally isn’t very much laughter. There also aren’t too many white people there, either. We’ve updated everything to be more ‘black.’ So no more coffee shop, now the hangout is the check-cashing place on the corner. And the apartments aren’t going to be bright and nice, either. This is a sitcom based on the ‘real ‘hood,’ for sure.”

The creator of the original Friends sitcom is excited to bring back the essence of a classic NBC, show while also bringing new life to a major company. “I can tell you right now, My Niggas is going to be the hottest show on TV this fall. You wait and see,” said David Swan. “Oh, and don’t worry about the name. It’s cool, because it’s Niggas, and not, well, you know. That other version.”

Casting continues on the show until the end of February, and the show begins filming in April. Producers have already said that after the show takes off, President Obama is more than welcome to join the show as a recurring cast member once his presidency ends next year.

 

 

MTV Begins Production On New Show ’12 And Pregnant’

MANHATTAN, New York –  MTV begins filming new show 12 and pregnant

Known for hit television shows such as The Jersey Shore, Teen Mom, and The Real World, MTV is always finding a way to bring home the ratings, even when some claim that what they are airing isn’t appropriate television. Despite controversy and complaint, the ratings speak for themselves, and the network always seems to find a way to pack the couch and have people watching the channel day-after-day for over 30 years.

A new show that MTV plans to air may be a breaking point for the company, even in this new day and age. Insiders say the whole concept itself may stir up a huge outbreak of lawsuits, hate groups, and generally angry parents.

Already being filmed, MTV plans on releasing the new show 12 And Pregnant this coming fall.

Three 12-year-olds have already been chosen for the show, signing off on semi-lucrative contracts and deals with the Viacom-owned network. Normally, MTV would be heavily promoting the show during their other series like Catfish or True Life, but this time they’re staying hush on who the three girls are. All 3 girls and their families signed non disclosure agreements, stating that their identities would not be made public until the show is ready for air.

Producers for the show say that this series, which follows the trials-and-tribulations of pregnant 12-year-olds, is much like their hit show 16 And Pregnant, but with a lot more parental drama. Executives say that they never would have thought to create a show, except for an influx in pregnant children emailing them, asking when they were going to get a show aimed at their age group and about their struggles at becoming a parent so young.

“We never had any designs on a show like this,” Said Leo Maltin, a representative for MTV and Viacom Networks. “We got so many kids hounding us, saying that 16 And Pregnant was okay, but they wanted to see younger kids, like they are, and what they go through when pregnant. Since they started approaching us, we figured we’d give it a shot.”

Inside sources on the show have stated that each of the girls have ‘future husbands,’ and not one of them is going through the pregnancy while single, at least at start of production. On top of that, all the girls on the show have their parents included in the process, and 2 out of the 3 are still attending school. The third girl has dropped out to find work.

 

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