Chain Reaction Heimlich Maneuver Saves Woman, Chokes Another

Posted on August 8, 2014 by DvanL

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

Don’t call Carl McInerney a hero. The unassuming groundskeeper from Roslindale, MA is just a regular guy, to hear him tell it. But early last week his low-profile status instantly changed, when lifelong friends Jessica Hayes and Barbara “Bobbie” Clarke found themselves in trouble at an outdoor café.

“Bobbie and I were eating way too fast,” explained Hayes. Clarke had just returned from a week’s vacation in Bali. “I was telling her how I almost missed my plane home because I always run late. It’s like a running gag between us so we were laughing about it.”

Laughter turned to panic when Hayes showed signs of distress. “All of a sudden I look up,” recalled Clarke, “and Jess wasn’t laughing anymore. She was grabbing her throat and banging her hand on the table.”

That’s when McInerney unexpectedly joined them for lunch. “It was my first day at work at the Arboretum so I was kind of in a hurry to get over there,” Boston’s Arnold Arboretum is a much-loved public park, nature research facility and national landmark. “I saw one lady, she was screaming over there and the other lady was hunched all over the table choking.”

McInerney explained what happened next. “I ran over to the lady who was choking and did the Heimlich on her. So then the food comes flying out of her mouth toward the other lady who was right across from her, and the other lady’s got her mouth hanging wide open ‘cause she was in shock, I guess, from being a witness to the whole thing. So then the food comes flying out of the first lady’s mouth and goes right straight into her friend’s mouth, and gets stuck in her throat! So then this second lady starts choking and now she can’t breathe. I thought I was having a wicked nightmare or something.”

Instinct kicked in again, as McInerney quickly raced to the other side of the table and re-performed the lifesaving maneuver, this time on Clarke.

“I couldn’t believe it!” said Hayes, after regaining her breath. “It was a cherry tomato that got us both, which was kind of gross, but now we joke about it.”

“Yeah,” echoed Clarke. “We always say we share everything but this time it went too far!”

McInerney didn’t stay around long enough to receive the thanks he deserved. “I made it to work just on time and told my new boss what happened. They made me employee of the month the first day I was there! It was crazy, and I said, ‘Is this for real?’”

McInerney, Hayes, and Clarke plan to have lunch together soon, “But this time,” joked Hayes, “we’re going to make it a liquid lunch!”

Kim Kardashian Sues Owner of Roadside Diner Over ‘Fatback’ Sandwich

Posted on August 7, 2014 by DvanL

SANTA MONICA, California –

Sandwich shops and delis across the nation are known to name popular items after famous celebrities. It’s a trend made popular by New York’s Carnegie Deli, which boasts among other items, the “Woody Allen” – made with corned beef and pastrami, and familiar to fans of Allen’s 1984 film Broadway Danny Rose.

Many would say to be immortalized in food would be a badge of honor, but reality star and social media personality Kim Kardashian disagrees. She has taken legal steps to disassociate her name from one menu item she finds distasteful.

Kardashian filed suit against “Baggazi’s” a small Santa Monica roadside diner, over her novelty sandwich made up of “a generous portion of fatback, topped with 2 steaming poached eggs.” “Fatback” is a layer of fat and skin cut from the back of a domestic pig.

“It’s just going too far,” said a weeping Kardashian during a press conference attended by Kardashian family members including mother Kim, sisters Kourtney and Khloé, and half-sisters Kendall and Kylie Jenner, also weeping. Kardashian’s husband Kanye, who was not present, was busy preparing for an upcoming concert in Kyoto, Japan.

“I’m having trouble taking off the last few pounds of my baby weight,” Kardashian explained through sobs, “and this sandwich is mean spirited, insensitive and just not fair. I work hard at things and this isn’t something I endorse for my public image and it also invades my family’s privacy and our good name.”

Proprietor Joe Baggazi doesn’t get what the fuss is all about. “It’s a sandwich for Christ sake, like ham and eggs, just with a famous name is all,” said Baggazi from behind the counter of his small shop. “What am I supposed to do, name a skinny sandwich now after somebody skinny? The skinny people would be complaining I guess about that then.”

The attention brought by the lawsuit has been good for business, admits Baggazi. “I got lines out the door and around the corner,” he said. “If I have to change the name of the sandwich I guess I will, ‘cause I don’t have that kind of money if they sue me, but everyone’s gonna know which sandwich it is anyway, so I’ll call it the ‘You-Know-Who’ sandwich instead if I have to,” he added with a wink.

Baggazi then excused himself to tend to waiting customers who were beginning to form a long line.

Paris Hilton Denied Suite at Hilton Hotel

Posted on August 6, 2014 by DvanL

ORLY, France –

Paris Hilton, socialite, actress, model, singer and great-granddaughter of Hilton Hotels founder Conrad Hilton, was denied a suite at the Hilton Paris Orly Airport location last week.

“It was an oversight and we were simply filled to capacity,” explained hotel concierge Monique Val-de-Marne, through a translator. “It was quite embarrassing for us as you can well imagine. We offered to provide accommodation for Miss Hilton through the courtesy of one of our competitors, which she gracefully accepted.”

Hilton traveled to France to host an art gallery opening and to promote her second studio album featuring the single “Come Alive” which was released on July 8.

Produced by the record label Cash Money, a subsidiary of Universal Music Group, the music video features images of rainbows, pink, puffy clouds and unicorns, echoing Hilton’s public persona – that of a young, entitled princess, spending the bulk of her time enjoying the leisurely and dream-like lifestyle that comes with fame and fortune.

“Hilton Hotels provide unparalleled service and amenities to all of our guests,” said Val-de-Marne, who blamed the misstep on a staff member who did not recognize Ms. Hilton. “We always have a private suite set aside for what you would call VIPs,” she continued, “but this time an oversight was made for which we take full responsibility. The employee has been taken care of,” added Val-de-Marne, who was not working at the time of Hilton’s visit. The employment status off the staff member could not be confirmed or verified, with a terse “No comment!” issued by an unidentified reception desk staff member when reached by phone.

“Miss Hilton behaved quite professionally and politely from all reports,” remarked Val-de-Marne, “and we would be happy to have her visit our hotel anytime she wishes to do so.”

No statement has been issued by representatives of Paris Hilton with regard to the incident.

Illinois Nursing Home Contends With Shocking Elder Abuse Scandal

Posted on August 5, 2014 by DvanL

ST. CHARLES, Illinois –

From the outside, Grouse Lane Manor looks like every other modest development along the Fox River Valley. Located one hour west of Chicago, the ranch style residence appears tranquil and inviting. But beyond the gently sloping front lawn, easy-open doors and slip-resistant entry ramp, another scene was unfolding.

“Oh, it was a nightmare!” said current Activities Director Verna Andersen. “We had a group of ringleaders who took over and turned things upside down. They were nothing but a gang of senior thugs. It was elder abuse, alright. Abuse by the elders themselves!”

Janitor Henry Puce added, “The things I saw I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy! I had to replace all my broom handles and mops.”

Andersen recalls that the trouble began when 84 year-old resident Joseph “Big C” Carlstadt began complaining about things.

“First it was desserts he didn’t like. Next he said he wasn’t getting a fair shake about choosing television shows,” said Andersen. “Then he thought the front lawn was his front lawn. He started yelling at everyone to get off of it. Things went downhill fast.”

‘Big C’ managed to persuade a number of residents to stage a revolt. “He was tricky, that guy,” recalls janitor Puce. “He got some of the good ones to go bad and once that got started, we didn’t stand a chance. We were outnumbered.”

Puce revealed several bruises on his arms and legs, injuries received while he was the brunt of the residents’ rage.

“One lady, Mrs. Talley, she spread some pills down right outside my utility closet, and when I went to sweep them up, she hit me with her walking stick until I promised to mop the floors ‘til she said they was clean enough to eat off of. I never could get them clean enough for her, and she kept on hitting me with that stick…Then she made me eat off of the floor anyway.”

The emergency alert system and all phones were hacked by retired electronics technician Gene Sampson. “We were trapped,” said Andersen. “The worst of it was one day when I was setting up our social night, which we called ‘Carbon Dating.’ While I was distracted, all the emergency buttons were rewired and the phones were too.”

Order was restored after Puce was able to crawl through a heating and ventilation duct and break through a wall. “I ran for my life to the nearest house and finally got ahold of the police. I’m just lucky to be alive,” he said. “And extremely thankful.”

An Illinois Department of Health investigation is ongoing. Residents who participated in the abuse have been separated and moved to other facilities.

Office ‘Pencil Pusher’ Fired After Stabbing Co-Worker With Pencil

Posted on August 4, 2014 by DvanL

DAYTON, Ohio –

Rocco Faber, a 30-year employee of Drake Business Systems, redefined the conventional image of the mild-mannered office drone, after injuring co-worker Flip McKenzie during a spontaneous attack last week.

“He created tension for me at my expense,” said Faber. “So I stabbed him in the neck.” Faber, speaking from a suburban Dayton anger management facility continued, “I could hear him on the other side of my cube, drumming his fingers on the table, and he chewed with his mouth open, and he made too many personal calls and I could hear them. So I stabbed him in the neck.”

Increasingly common occurrences of workplace violence have dominated headlines, reflecting one of the bleaker elements of America’s present-day employment landscape. The usual scenario includes an employee’s termination, issues of underlying anger, and the use of a weapon – usually and most violently, a firearm.

“I’m against guns and won’t have any in my house or anywhere near me,” said Faber, “but I got so angry that day and I did use my pencil as a weapon. It was a bad mistake and I wish I could erase it, but I can’t. It’s a permanent blot on my record.”

Office manager Helen Brown was stunned upon hearing of the unexpected behavior from one of the company’s most consistent employees. “He’s been here longer than I have,” commented Brown. “I remember him when I first started. I sat across from him and he was quiet. I moved up the ladder pretty quickly, and I didn’t get to know him too well. Some of the old-timers over in HR were pretty upset.”

In exchange for prison time, a deal was negotiated between prosecutors and Faber’s victim. “At the end of the day I wasn’t really hurt that bad.” said McKenzie. “It was more of a scuffle, so I didn’t press charges, you know? I mean the pencil was pretty dull and it just left a little mark right here on the side of my neck. He really didn’t have a strong grip.”

Faber will participate in group therapy sessions, where proper coping mechanisms are stressed. Anger management techniques are demonstrated by role-playing, with constructive criticism making up a large part of treatment.

“They were going to offer me some job training,” Faber said, “but I kept telling them I already have a career, so I asked them if I could continue doing it. They gave me a job here as the accountant for the group home, and so far, so good. I manage all the expenses and budgets, so it keeps me busy and not thinking about stabbing anyone in the neck. I’m just lucky. One of the guys here makes a lot of jokes, and he said that they gave me another stab at it. That was a pretty good one and everybody in the room laughed. He’s a pretty good guy,” said Faber, “but sometimes he tells too many jokes when we’re trying get work done. We all have a good time though. My favorite part is when we get to do the role playing, when we get to act out.”

Serial Prison Escapee Diagnosed With Restless Leg Syndrome; Lawyer Asks For Leniency

Posted on August 1, 2014 by DvanL

BAYPORT, Minnesota –

Four-time prison escapee Robert Tuck, nicknamed “Hoppin’ Rob,” was diagnosed by prison doctors with Restless Leg Syndrome (RLS) after a fifth prison escape attempt proved futile.

Currently housed at the Minnesota Correctional Facility in Stillwater, Tuck was captured near the main entrance by prison guards, who observed suspicious movements exhibited by the inmate near the facility’s main security fence.

“He was jumping up and down by the main gate,” said Alan Trimble, Director of Security at Stillwater. “At first I thought he was having a kind of seizure or throwing a fit, so I called the prison doctor right away to come take a look at him.”

“It was during our outdoor exercise period and I thought I could get away with it just this once more,” remarked Tuck from the prison infirmary. “I had the opportunity so I thought I’d go for it, but now they got me all chained up here to a bed, even though the doc says it’s not good for me with the condition they told me I have.”

As it turned out, prison medical staff discovered Tuck was suffering from more than just a compulsion to escape confinement; he was diagnosed with RLS, a condition the National Institutes of Health describes as “a nervous system disorder marked by unpleasant sensations affecting the legs.” Symptoms of RLS include spontaneous leg movements, occasional cramping and a constant urge to get up and move around.

“I always thought it was maybe something medical,” said Tuck, “because ever since I was a kid, what I did was to steal things and run away a lot, which is got me in trouble in the first place.”

Tuck’s attorney, Charles Burbridge, is currently examining whether a defense of “RLS Impairment Disorder” can be mounted, with the hope that Tuck, currently serving 5 – 7 years for burglary, would be eligible to receive a reduced sentence and possible transfer to a supervised medical facility.

“If my client could be treated fairly and like a free-range inmate,” explained Burbridge, “he would be able to walk the yard a few more hours a day as part of his therapy. I believe this will reduce his impulse to escape, and make him a better person in the long run.”

For the time being, Tuck remains confined to his infirmary bed and is reportedly in good spirits. “I have high hopes,” said Tuck, while giving the “thumbs up” gesture despite his handcuffs.